Corrie Commentary

'Til Darth do us part

2007-02-05T14:29:00.000+01:00

Tracy has been released on bail, following her Oasis-backdropped clanging of Darth Builder's napper. The Barlows: happy and conned. EvilDavid says that he saw everything that happened on the night of the moider, and that it was all in self-defence, then rubs his panto moustache as a crack of lightning goes off behind him. The Barlows want him to go to the Police, The Carp wants him to consider the consequences of getting involved in something so serious if he is lying. What consequences? You mean like getting a car bought for you, or not being made to go to school? The Carp: brain-dead. EvilDavid: Mwahahahahaaaaaaaa! He goes to the ScouseCopper to tell them all his lies, ScouseCopper looks angry as usual.

David spends the rest of the week sitting in his car sinisterly eyeing Tracy and everyone else whilst his vehicle belches malevolence out of the exhaust. Maybe his car is a chavvy version of 'Christine' and they are forming a symbiotic relationship of pernicious intent. Either way, later in the week he goes into the Darth Towers whilst Tracy is back in there putting dibs on what she wants to steal. He is all passive aggressive along the lines of "I just want to ~~put my little felt tip in your ladyfoof~~ help you Tracy". Tracy obviously now needs to decide what would be worse, years in prison looking at tattooed women who would like to hurt her or about 20 seconds looking at David's orgasm face. It's not as easy as you think is it? She tries to buy him off with a Car Radio, but he says that is not enough, and "anyway the car talks to me at all times and understands me like no other". Tracy: worried.

Tracy drowns her sorrows in the Rovers later in the week and ends up staying out all night, much to Blanche's chagrin. This plot has its moments, but it is still very silly and hopefully over very soon.

There are some romantic shenanegins over at the factory where Liam Gallagher is after ThinTwin and Kelly is after Liam Gallagher in the latest Triangle of Inadequacy. To cut a long story short, Liam goes for ThinTwin and she ends up finishing with Mcbaldwin, thus this storyline does have one redeeming feature. Hopefully McBarlow will now kill himself or something. In other factory related pointlessness, Noel Gallagher has a row with his missus off the Daz adverts about something so tedious my brain blocked it out in favour of a slideshow of grass growing. There is a brilliant scene in the Rovers where Wurzel, Steve and McBarlow argue as to who is the biggest loser. McBarlow trumps Steve's "Still live with me mum" with "look at my hair and acting ability".

Jailhouse Becky is having trouble with someone from her past who is called Worm or something, who keeps turning up at the cafe and being portentous of bad things to happen. It all ends with Worm getting her drunk and nicking The Crappers new car. After much fibbing and nonsense The Crappers find out and Hayley banishes her to the seventh level of hades (Rushholme) for Abuse of Trust, one of the top ten soap crimes of all time. She later comes round to the Rovers to beg for forgiveness, but Hayley requests that JBecky address her manual dexterity as her physiognomy is no longer paying attention. JBecky leaves the pub as a perfectly formed tear runs down her flushed apple cheeks.

In Other News:
BONG! 2 new characters, Dev tries to work his oily charms on the woman
BONG! Jason is attempting to run Darth's business
BONG! Hearsay has a new bloke, leading Steve to strike "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces nos 23, 3, 24, 235 and 9.

Check out more Corrie news, gossip and laughs at Corrie Blog

Corrie Writing: New Outlet!

2007-01-30T12:51:00.000+01:00

I have now starting contributing to corrieblog.tv It is a cracking site full of Corrie news and irreverent features.

Get your bums over there to see for yourselves!!

First Posting : Monday 5th Feb

2007-01-25T17:48:00.000+01:00

Following the completion of my housemove, and the installation of th'internet and space telly I am now read to watch and write about the soap again!

I'll get my first weeks watching in next week and then do the first post on the above date.

Spread the news - the sarcasm is back!

CORRIE COMMENTARY - THE RETURN

2006-12-22T15:06:00.000+01:00

Just to inform you all that this blog will return in the New Year, probably at the end of January as I have to move house first.

In the meantime, I recommend you browse the archive or visit TV Dinners , where me and friends write about the telly generally..

Lee

I HAVE A NEW BLOG!

2006-11-08T11:15:00.000+01:00

Unable to honour my Corrie commitments, I have started a weekly blog on The X Factor.

READ IT HERE...

In which I jack it all in...

2006-06-19T10:18:00.000+02:00

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all that I will no longer be updating Corrie Commentary. A combination of a new job, more stuff happening in the evenings, a young family, and wanting a life in between means that I am not seeing Corrie enough to write about it. If I do see it I don't have the time to write copy good enough to do the blog justice, and the last thing I would want is to plough on and people to stop enjoying it because I'm not committed to it.

Better to burn out than to fade away and all that...

Thanks to everyone who has read it in the last year, it will still be here if you want to dip into the archive, and thanks to everyone who left very kind comments on here abot my writing.

Cheers,
Lee

In Which the Card Plot Finally Ends....

2006-05-24T11:40:00.000+02:00

At Casa Carp, The Carp is still mulling over the UTEDavid/paper cut/blood on card Triangulation of Obviousness, and decides to set him a trap of such cunning you stick a tail on it and call it a fox. This is not before she discussed it with Audragh, who tells her something like "reallargh Gail, ahm serpriiiiiiiiizzed yer could think such a thing honestlargh", which I think means she disagrees with The Carp. Anyway, The Carp tells UTEDavid that Friday is Richard's birthday and that no-one knows about it apart from PPPhil, and she hopes another card doesn't turn up. UTE falls for it, there is much to-ing and fro-ing on the day the card is meant to arrive and after an interminable period of non-suspense Keith gives Carp the card that has been wrongly delivered to his house. The Carp then knows it is David and she weeps as the nation cries salt tears of joy, for this inadequate plot hath reached its devastatingly underwhelming conclusion.

The Carp shouts a lot at him, along the basic lines of "Why? Why? In the name of God why?" David says it was a joke that got out of hand. For future reference Davy boy, a joke getting out of hand is something like putting too many "Kick Me" stickers on a person's back, NOT a 6 month long campaign of mail that induces anguish and depression for ~~the viewing public~~ your mum. Sarah and Audreh are a lot less forgiving and give him a good pasting when they see him.

However by this time The Carp is starting to think that it is Not His Fault as he has been through a lot and his Dad has moved to the other side of the country (eh? He's in Liverpool, approximately 45mins - 1 hour on the train..). To complicate matters, the Police turn up to tell her that they have arrested PPPhil, for some reason it isn't PCs Gormless & Sexy it's some bald bloke. The Carp says she wants to drop her complaint, when the rozzer asks why she says "look over there!" and runs off, sort of. She however reconsiders and goes down the copshop to confess all, PC Baldy then takes David into a room and makes him think he is going to be arrested and then bottom-raped in prison by a young Ray Winstone type, but then lets him off. Later at the table over a chippy tea, The Carp says that no-one is to ever mention what has happened other than to say "The Incident of Which We Do Not Speak" or something. David goes to his room. THE END.

Dev has resurfaced, and it turns out that SunitaAAAaa! is moving into his house and he is moving back above the shop. This pleases him, as he reckons that once she is in the house she will realise that she misses him and wants him back. Yes I can just see her sat in her brand new house with her children, gazing into their beautiful garden and thinking "What I really need in here is a random shouting, oleaginous prick who I hate." Dev: Deluded. Also Amber has turned up again, who is a brilliant character by the way, as her mum and stepdad want to move to Iceland, and she doesn't mean change supermarkets. Amber reasonably asks to live me him, but he is too busy with his oily delusions about Sunita to listen. Amber: sad.

Frankie goes to see EvilBradley in the factory to talk turkey about the divorce, in the end he gives her the villa in Spain after trying to get back with her about 37 times during the conversation. She looked really hot in her power suit though so I don't blame him. Lady McLeanne is not happy, but is won round with talk of holidays and money etc. Frankie then goes and gets bladdered with the girls, and it must be said that Corrie always does those "girls night out" scenes very well IMO.

The woeful Kelly storyline continues as the factory workers get her job back. There is a lot of "to plead ot not to plead" going on and there is still no sign of Master Criminal Becky to get her off the hook. If you can find a modern and imposing looking building on a platform in the middle of the Indian Ocean complete with helipad, shark pool, and World Domination Office, my money is she'll be there. Anyway she is in court this week and I am waiting totally unabated breath for the outcome.

Unfortunately, the Dr Matt Hamsden plot has come up for breath again, leading to more shots of Ashley looking like he is touching cloth.

And before you say it, yes Corrie is a bit shit at the moment...

In other news:
BONG! Rita wants to move back into her flat.

In Which I have to catch up on about 5 weeks of plot...

2006-05-17T14:36:00.000+02:00

Apologies one and all for the very long delay, a combination of holidays, a new job and tonsilitis have prevented me updating.

Since we last met the following has happened:

Mike has gone to the great sewing factory in the sky. It was a rather abrupt end and frankly a bit shit I thought, especially when you consider the great buid up to it.
This has led to myriad Bradley vs MacBaldwin spats over the will due to EvilBradley getting everything and Macbaldwin being given only a Toni & Guy voucher to get his barnet sorted out and about £60 in Luncheon Vouchers or something.
Rersio and Craigiet have become non-goths, following Craigiet realising that everyone looks at him funny. That's not because of your clothes Craigiet, it's because they are wondering why a bloke would possibly have so many layers cut into his hair
Jailhouse Becky has moved in with Kelly and Lister, and they are now trying to get her out: bag & baggage
The Carp is continuing to receive cards from "Richard Hillman", in the the storyline that has no end, or any engaging features, other than watching The Carp go slowly insane obviously

writing that has made me realise just how little happens in this soap and makes me wonder just how I manage to write about it (sort of) every week. But anyway onto this week's update.

JBecky is non too pleased about being told to move out of Kelly & Lister's flat and is on the rob, stealing Blanche's purse, Sally's Engagement ring, and judging by this plot, the sense and credibility of the writers. The final straw comes when Lady McLeanne's purse in half-inched and Bradley gets all the girls to open their lockers, leading to the discovery of the loot in Kelly's locker. "Gasp!" say the factory, "zzzzzzz" say the viewing public as the full horror of JBecky's plan is revealed. The police come and take Kelly away ha-ha, and totally ignore JBecky even though she has a criminal record and in also stroking and white cat, wearing a powder blue safari suit and going "Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!".

In the station Kelly says she is framed, the police are having none of it and charge her. She confronts JBecky who denies everything whilst moving Kelly over the trap door to her shark pool. She also tells Kelly that her and Lister have been having an affair. Kelly: crestfallen. JBecky: mad, in an evil manner. Later on Kelly and Lister make up. Please God tell me this storyline is nearly over....

The Carp has found another card, this one was hand delivered and left on the Kitchen table. Meaning that the perp has been In The House! Whilst UTEDavid was upstairs in bed ill!! On inspection the card appears to have blood on it. She calls the rozzers to do DNA and all that stuff. PCs Gormless and Sexy turn up and dutifully take the card away. Jason comes in to change the locks and they decide to go to teh chippy for tea to cheer themselves up, what excitement! Whilst eating UTEDavid winces in pain from the salt getting into his paper cut. The Carp freezes as the full implications of such an admission hit her: this means that David will become a suspect and that this plot will last even longer than it has already. Kill. Me. Now.

Norris has started internet dating and has arranged a date with a woman whose name a cannot remember, but she looks like a Pig in Knickers. Whilst they are out, Rita decides to go and have a toot round the flat, why is unexplained but it's probably something to do with her being a nosy old bat with no life. Whilst she is in there Norris and the Pig in Knickers return and she hides in the cupboard. Oh my sides! She is later discovered as the Pig in Knickers is leaving due to Norris interpreting "a weekend in London" as "do me in the naughty place", is shocked and throws her out. Norris: Angry. Rita: Sorry. They later are friends again and confesses that he is frightened of intimacy with the Pig In Knickers due to his ~~being gay~~ two failed marriages.

Craigiet has taken a job at the Garage of Improbable Death, assisting Kevin. Warming to the lad he invites him round for tea, Sally is pissed off about it and tells Kevin in a very grown up manner and he has to cook. Craig turns up and brigns flowers and wine, leading Sally to thaw a bit. Watch it Craig, with her track record she'll be jumping your bones for the sex within a month.

Roy's Rolls has been shut by Environmental Health, they clean it up and it then gets re-opened, in the meantime he has fallen out with Vera.

In Other News:
BONG! Fred and WBBev are making wedding plans
BONG! Some Godawful plot about Claire and smoking.

Lack of Updates

2006-05-05T17:24:00.000+02:00

Sorry for the total lack of updates for the past 4 weeks.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks and was mad busy before I went and have been preparing to go into a new job since I came back and have also had a bad bout of tonsilitis. Hopefully these are enough excuses for you all to forgive me.

I absolutely super-double-promise that I will update next week my lovely readers.

Cheers,
Lee (my real name)

In which Ches wants a real dad..bless, and MIke forgets who he is a dad to.

2006-04-05T11:17:00.000+02:00

Apologies for missing last week, with sepcific apologies to the admin staff at a certain North West England mental institution... Sorry Theresa & Co!

Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.

Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.

Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:

Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"

There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.

Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...

Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.

Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.

In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.

In Which...oh I can't remember now..what's a blog? Who are you lot looking at this? Why do I look old in the mirror?

2006-03-17T15:53:00.001+01:00

Apologies for lateness (and the cruel title).

Hamsden is not goign away and Ashley is dealing with it by squeaking so much I can't hear him, however every time his lips are moving on the telly every dog in our street start barking and the wine glass in my hand shatters. Clurr finally gets him to agree to meet Hamsden and his new non-alcoholic wife. They decide to meet in a service station and the saddo in me starts to wonder which one it might be, my money is on either Charnock Richard or Knutsford on the M6 (don't worry I fully intend to kill myself later for this). Anyway Hamsden demands to see Joshua, another wine glass of mine gets broken at Ashley's reaction and the meeting doesn't go well. It was however comforting to note that Hamsden's new missus is as bad an actor as his last one.

Ashley then spends the rest of the week causing dogs to bark and doing that "touching cloth" watery-eyed look. Hamsden & Mrs then turn up at the house and and play with Joshua, Ashley finds out runs round and threatens him with a pitchfork in an unitentionally hilarious scene. Clurr gets it in the neck for being a retarded ginger and Fred tries to talk sense into him, I think they agree to talk to Hamsden again but I missed it as I was sweeping up glass fragments at the time.

In Casa Carp, the Carp herself receives another card from "Richard Hillman", this time offering condolences on the anniversary of his untimely and ridiculous death. PPPhil starts to think the Carp may think that it's him and blames David, she agrees and quizzes David, he explodes in fit of teenage acne scarred rage. Fuck me that woman is thick. NEXT!

EvilBradley gets a call from Spain about Mike, he goes out there and returns with Mike behaving like Norman Wisdom, turns out he has had a stroke out there and it has accelerated hid Forgetting Mind Disease. He doesn't recognise Penny and wants to know where Alma is, they decide not to tell him as it would be a really long story and he would probably forget by the end anyway, which would be annoying. They go to the Doc who says that they need to do tests, but the writing is on the wall. Lady McLeanne is having none of this and tells EvilBradley to get the power of Attorney sharpish before he's in a nappy and singing the theme tune to Muffin the Mule all day. GoodBradley tries to get out for a second in protest but a combination of cockernee malevolence and cross-eyed feminine charm sends him back under. In the end they sign the POA and McLeanne moves on to her next project: Getting Mike in a Home. Shame on you Leanne, but shame on you more EvilBradley! There is a really touching scene where Mike and Bradley go into the factory and Mike talks about Elsie Tanner and then crumples into Bradley's arms weeping as he realises he is losing his mind. I am not ashamed to admit I shed a tear, the first of the flood that will no doubt be coming from my ducts as this storyline draws to a conclusion. I'm sure I won't be the only one.

Audrey has decided to take stock of her life after seeing Mike in a state, and says in the pub that she's not ready to settle down and wants to go back to the days when she abandoned her kids and had more men through her than the gents at Victoria Station. She metntions she may sell the flat & Salon, which leads Maria and her cheek pouches to think about ways of buying them. In the midst of all this Fiz wants to go travelling, Kirk doesn't. I personally don't want to think about this plot anymore.

IN other news:
BONG! Emily goes to see St Ed, forgiveness is on the cards
BONG! That new girl is Single White Femaling Kelly, if you follow me. It's shit either way.
BONG! Rersio and Craigiet decide to be honest about their relationship to keep Sally out of the funny farm

In which Sally goes mental mental, chicken oriental!

2006-03-08T13:51:00.000+01:00

Rersio is palying her parents like a cheap banjo and still doing adolescent sex, the juvenile obsession with Craigiet. She tells Sall that there is no point moping about and is going to spend some time with Pippa, I have a frightening moment where I think that she may be about to go lesbotic with her mate, then I remember that this isn't EastEnders and relax. She walks out of the house and goes straight to Craigiet's, and is spied by Kevin whilst doing so. Whod've thought that her cunning plan of not getting seen ie walking across the street in full view of everyone woudl backfire in such a way. Sall hears and is biblical with outrage, Rersio says that they are stuck together like dogs in autumn and there is nothing she can do about it. Sally reacts by getting brochures to a boarding school in Yorkshire, Rersio doesn't take it seriously as they can't affrd it anyway, Sall informs her that she'll do whatever it takes to get her away from the threat posed by Craigiet's Potential Wasting Penis. Rersio: shocked. Sall: Mad

Later in the week Sall sees the Gothic lovedragons kissing and flips harder than a pancake on Shrove Tuesday. She orders Rersio into the car and then drives off really rather fast. Turns out she is going directly to Rersio's Yorkshire Gaol, she will not pass Go and she will not be collecting £200. Craigiet informs Kevin of what has happened and that they left "about an hour ago", Keving speeds of like a confused looking slightly more simian Colin Farrell, and ten minutes later is "right behind them". His van is obviously KITT in disguise and he put it in "pursuit" mode and made liberal use of the "Turbo Boost" function. Rersio meanwhile is trying to talk to her mother and get her to slow down, but Sall just reponds with a series of clucks and beeps. In the end she skids to a halt in the middle of nowhere. To digress, where exactly in Yorkshire is this School? Because that is a hell of a strange route to go from Manchester, unless of course in teh midst of her madness she still worked out that the traffic on the M62 is murder at that time of day.

Anyway, Rersio asks Sall what is going on and Sall poignantly says, "I'm lost.." Kevin turns up and tells her something about how they are going to die together alone as the kids will leave home and just phone every couple of weeks. This inexplicably makes her feel better and she agrees to come home. In the end Sall agrees that Rersio cannot finish with Craigiet, and that she must "stay close". It all happened very abruptly this sequence, but I thought it was very well done, Rersio trying to help her mum in the end and feeling remorse, Kevin trying to sort it all out despite his obvious lack of tools for the job, Sall basically being clinically depressed after the last 18 months (affair, sacked, working back where she started etc, kid issues). All very realistic, and very touching in the end I thought. Oh yeah and Sally punched Janice in the pub again. Hooray!

Speaking of which. janice and Les end up shagging for reasons too boring to recount here. janice ends up leaving the street, sadly not forever as her character has been rescued. Christ knows why, unless they plan to make her the new love interest for Nathan or something. Cilla finds out about Les' shenanegans and kicks him out forever. There is a lot of non-comedy involving him living in the car.

Dr Hamsden has turned up at nursey and speaks to Clurr about Joshua. Clurr is too stupid to realise who he might be, which is no great surprise as she is also stupid enough to wear those glasses. He later pops into the butchers to call on Ashley, who does that red faced-watery eyed thing that he does that I think is meant to denote anger and emotion, or he could be touching cloth and desperately trying to hold it in. It's hard to tell. Ashley tells him he can't see him yadda yadda, Hamsden says, "I know you're angry about me and Maxine", Ashley says, "Don't you even say her name!" Maybe because she's like the Candyman and if you say her name 3 times she'll come from the dead and kill you, or out of rehab and back in the show, not sure what is worse. Anyway, Hamsden makes noises about not going away and Ashley spends the rest of the show squeaking loudly at everyone.

Emily's TokenDeaf Niece turns up and they go to church. St Ed is there and Emily runs off, he makesd more noises about repentance and the like, Emily makes more noises about wanting to crush his head in a vice until his eyeballs pop out or something. They all go home and later they are playing cards and Norris demands that Emily talk about her sorrow and feelings and she boots him out. He says, "You lot may be able to ignore her suffering, but I can't, and if that means I have to be kicked out then so be it". I love Norris for this, and he is right of course.

In Other News:
BONG! The Crappers and that Trainmong are still engaged in a storyline that bores me so much I could shit concrete.
BONG! Nathan and Frankie have made the beast with two backs
BONG! Kelly's mate is working in the factory. They used to be in prison together. No I don't care either.

In Which the writers better buck their ideas up..

2006-03-01T16:23:00.000+01:00

God it's been shit this week hasn't it? But my public are like a ravenous monster that must be fed their glut of sneering and so I shall cough up the goods. Sorry for the delay by the way, I don't get paid for this you know, so sometimes other stuff does take precedence...

Fred and WBBev have to announce their ~~ridiculously contrived~~ love to their respective families, needless to say they aren't impressed apart from Clurr, but she is a borderline imbecile so no-once cares what she thinks. The families start to list off the reasons why it is not a good idea and it is thus (paraphrasing slightly):

Reasons not to Marry Fred	Reasons not to Marry WBBev
- Would shag a warm scarf - looks like a beclothed blancmange - difficult to find his penis - has proposed to every woman in lancashire, with the exception of Emily - jowly - irritating	- Goggly Eyes - slept with Darth Builder - lack of desire to find Fred's penis - slept with Boyzone Ciaran - patronising voice - excessive flaunting of Wrinkly Bosom

All of this falls on deaf ears and they throw the inevitable in the Rovers party. Fred produces a massive Rock for WBBev's finger and they embrace as Shelley and Ashley look on with faces like chewed caramels. Shelley's face turns even worse when Fred mentions something about WBBev being "a great landlady".

In other Elliot/Peacock news. Dr Matt Hamsden has written to Ashley asking about Joshua, this means he is no doubt going to make an appearance at some point and have some very emotional scenes to ruin with his acting "skills". Fred wants no part of it as "You are his dad Ashley, I say you are his dad!" but Ashley is all, "but you are my Dad and I didn't know you etc and look at out realationship now yadda yadda". Fred: argument foiled. Ashley: Sad. As much as this storyline is no doubt going to bore us all out of our crusts, at least it is realistic and Ashley was quite touching when he talked about his feelings towards Fred.

Eileen & St Ed are trying to conduct as normal life as is possible for a ex-murderer living in the same street as the widow of his murderee. St Ed does not help by constantly mithering Emily every time he sees her like some demented Jehovah's Witness trying to flog you the Watchtower:
"Emily, you have to forgive me for I repent!"
"No I don't"
"But you must, for thou art a Christian and God will smite thee!"
"No he won't"
"But thou art not not being fair!"
"Bothered. TTFN!"

Eileen is getting heartily sick of this as she thought moving a man in would mean more sex, not bible reading and self flagellation, although admittedly some men are into that, Tory Cabinet ministers and Frank Bough for example. In the edn she erupts and tells him that it is "OVER!" because he won't put down is Bilble and take off his trolleys, and he wobn't allow himself to be happy and she can't live with/like that etc etc. She also makes a totally bizarre speech about he she loves St Ed like she loves her sons, unconditionally and all that. She's only known him 5 minutes, and in that time he has turned from bible basher to murderer to guilt ridden frigid asexual. Some catch eh?

Rersio has returned from her three-month ski trip to be told of Craigiet having another woman in his house and indeed his room. Rersio: devastated. Sally: ecstatic. Rersio bins him off and then pops round to drop off his stuff and agrees to talk to him. Craigiet says, "but I never did it" and Rersio crumples into his arms in a fabulous teenage way as she never really wanted to finish it anyway. They agree not to tell their parents that they are back in their globule of love, a risky strategy methinks, but should make for some great scenes.

Leanne's car has been fixed in Kev's garage, but as it is being driven away by Leanne with Janice in the car the brakes fail and they crash, this leads to Janice swearing an oath of revenge or something on Sally. Welcome to the shittest plot in the world everyone! What is the point fo Janice anymore? Anyone got any ideas? I'm bollixed if I know. Anyway, she taunts Sally and there is what seems like about 14 hours of pointless sniping until Janice pours tea over Sally's knickers, those she has made not those she is wearing. More's the pity as the site of Sally running round screaming with a scalded foof would be very amusing and certainly better than this crock of shit they are serving up.

Also in the factory Mike seems to ahve gone awol in Spain, his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease has not doubt led to think that he actually is Spanish and so is now running a small roadside Tapas bar in the Cordoba province. EvilBradley does not care, even when Frankie his conscience comes to see him. Frankie: disgusted. EvilBradley: satisfied.

In Other News:
BONG! Tracy, abandoning her child still. Ken & Deirdre not happy
BONG! The Crappers, model trainset plot still running. Kill. Me. Now.
BONG! Rita, moved in with Emily

In which I have to crib a bit due to not seeing it much this week.

2006-02-22T14:41:00.000+01:00

Apologies all as I have seen little of the street this week due to having a life, well a bit of one anyway...

It is the aftermath of the revelations about (Not so) St Ed's past. Emily is lighting candles and getting all watery eyed about her dear devoted Ernest and Eileen is getting all dry of foof about her dear departed Ed. Sean Convinces Eileen to go and see Emily to find out what is going on. Emily tells Eileen "I'm afraid I've thrown you a wrong 'un Eileen, the man I thought was a decent man is in fact Murdering Michael McMurderer, from Killville, Killinois, and he murderised my husband to death." Eileen: shocked but still horny. Next day Emily comes round to see her and tells her that she hoped she could forgive him, but all she wants to do is crush him without mercy. She later tries to go to church, but some some kind of Devil's forcefield stops her going in, and thus it seems she is to lose her faith until the writers make her perform the inevitable forgiveness.

Eileen goes to see St Ed to demand THE TRUTH. He tells her "I killed a bloke, got sent to chokey, found God whilst I was having my back door kicked in by Ronnie the Bastard and was released and wanted to make it right with Emily." She melts into his his strong homicidal arms and agrees to continue their love and hav a word with Emily.

Eileen tells Emily of St Ed's remorse, but Emily is having none of it and instead suggest that Eileen is so "desperate for a man that she'll take anything, even a murderiser with questionable hair" ,and that's ignoring the fact he has appeared in both Heartbeat and Where the Heart Is, both of which are now classified as hate crimes by teh EU Court. Eileen leaves Emily's house and weeps like a lickle baby about the fact that she is probably also now on Emily's "Crush Without Mercy" List.

The Carp has been in receipt of a Valentine card from Richard Hillman, the nation is nowhere near the edge of its seat at the mystery of it all. In agreement with this site's poll Audrey says, "It's Phil", Carp says it isn't, Audrey reminds her that the last time she thought she knew a man he turned out to be a pantomime villain with a quiff who tried to kill her family. Carp says, "am I bovvered? Anyway it's not Phil" and Audrey pulls a brilliant disapproving face. We will no doubt find out who it is soon enough, but this really is a crock of shite storyline either way.

Tracy is on the crawl with Darth Builder and offering everything in her box of tricks to win him back. He agrees to let her move in but says, "Get your bits, get your back, but don't bring your kid". Long story short she leaves the Amee behind as it is "for the best" and moves in with him. The Barlows: agog. Darth: mwahahahahahaaaaaaa! This all seems a little forced to me, almost like the writers are trying too hard to make them an evil couple, in the next few weeks I expect them to turn into Fred & Rose West, only with less bondage and more wee wee.

Fred receives a phone callfrom WBBev, she has been abandoned by her cruise boyfriend in the middle of "nowhere", this often happens of course, people rarely drop you off at a train station or anything. Fred wobbles to the rescue like some beclothed blancmange and goes to get her, WBBev is very grateful, how grateful I wonder? Well we soon find out as he inevitably proposes and she accepts, even though he is an enormous fat minger with a meat fetish. Fred is happy as he will finally get married and maybe get his rocks off. "I'm putting it in now I say I'm putting it in now.." (for an hilarious discussion about this, please visit here, thanks to the GUT gang for filling in some blanks this week as well)

David has found a Cannabis plantation (!) over the bookies. I completely missed this episode so if anyone can enlighten me I'll be grateful

In other news:
BONG! Bradley, bought Leanne a car, it breaks.
BONG! Sally, happy that Craig has another woman at his house
BONG! Rita, looking for a new flat
BONG! Clurr, non-comedy involving valentine's card she thinks is from Steve. It's from Ashley.

In which Eileen gets some action and St Ed comes clean

2006-02-14T13:53:00.000+01:00

Eileen is increasingly frustrated by St Ed's lack of va va voom in matters bedroom. After watching a film together on the couch Eileen goes for some gentle cupping, but St Ed rejects her and suggests they watch "The Passion Of the Christ" instead or something. However after a few days, not even God himself can contain St Ed's erection and they go to bed to make sweet sweet love on a biblical scale. Next morning Eilieen is all content in the afterglow of their love, but St Ed seems troubled about something, my guess is after looking at nubile young ladies porn mags for 20 years it was a bit of a shock seeing Eileen's body, he leaves quickly, leaving Eileen feeling somewhat unclean.

Eileen sees him lateer in the pub and asks him what is going on, and does he not fancy her. he says "No, I really fancy you and you are special etc, however I must now go and ~~confess to murder~~ do something. Wait there, I won't be a tick". He goes to see Emily, complete with hammy stepping out of the shadows in a scary manner outside of her house. He tells Emily about how he has "done things" and so on, Emily says "But St Ed, it is not your past that we must be concerned about, what you are now is important. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you without mercy". St Ed confesses all about the robbery that went wrong, and how it was he that killed Ernest, even though he would've been about 12 at the time and he has played another character since, that he is now repentent. Emily tells him to "Get out and await your merciless crushing!". He then goes to the Cafe and cries for a bit whilst writing Emily a letter, he posts the letter only for Emily to come out in what looked like a outdoor coat that she was strangely wearing inside, and rip the letter into a thousand pieces, like the thousand broken pieces of her heart...

Not So St Ed then scarpers from Eileen leaving her thinking it is all over after only one game of hide the sausage. Good storyline this, you really can feel Emily's pain and it is teeing up for a great test of faith storyline for a long standing character.

Darth and Tracy are not getting on well, mainly due to Darth not wanting her there. Tracy however knows how to win Darth over and says, "Look Darth, my body is basically your potty to do with as your bodily functions will." This convinces Darth to keep her around. Steve is not happy at his quite frighteningly ugly daughter being left in a house with a Sith Lord, and they nearly have a fight. It is all very silly, but it was nice to see a reappearance of Steve's "Why the Fuck is This Happening to Me?" face after a long hiatus. Later in the week Darth starts to talk about the reasons why he wants to mictirate on women, something to do with his mum or something, but he clams up just at the point at which I was starting to get to this side of the "interested" post.

Tracy makes the mistake of thinking that this has weakened Darth and starts to take the mickey by leaving him alone with Amy all day. Charlie marches round to the pub with Amy in his arms and tells Tracy that she is chucked and her and her ugly kid are out, bag and baggage. Tracy tries to calm him but he says "I'm off to town to meet a mate and probably pull. Have you any idea how full my bladder is?!". Tracy: upset. Shelley: told you so. Darth: dark side fully returned.

All in Casa Carp is relatively normal, normal for them anyway. PPPhil returns from the shops and has bought David a Westlife CD (what the fuck?!), apparently the Carp said he liked them. Now PPPhil may be an evil foot maitherer but I am sure he is not stupid enough to think that a teenager as angry and messed up as David is going to storm out of the room and put "Flying Without Wings" on full blast? Anyway DAvid is suitably unimpressed and he tells PPPhil so, PPPHil drags him down the stairs and puts his hand in the door and says "How would you like me to break your fingers eh? You ugly wee shite on wheels." The Carp comes in as PPPhil releases David and he runs upstairs. PPPhil says, " I guess he disnae like Westlife", and smirks the smile of the evil. David also keeps seeing some blond woman around a lot and ends up in her house, for reasons I can't fathom. Maybe all will become clear next week.

Welcome to the most pathetically contrived plot in the history of Soapland. Tyrone and Molly have a day out on the van selling hot dogs and uncomfortably getting close to each other. On the way the home the van catches fire as they are driving along (oh my sides!), they drive along for a mile, incredibly without Tyrone spotting the flames in his mirrors (bang! there goes another rib!), they then decide the best way to put it out is to drive it into a duck pond in a park (oh stop it, please! I can't take anymore hilarity!). They end up snogging, surprise surprise. They are quite a well matched couple actually, in that they are both pointless characters and borderline retards.

Fred has kicked out Orchid permanently, but not before her Unconvincing Gangster Boyfriend terrified Rita out of her own house.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Frankie, Nathan: Going on a date (Frankie's eyebrows really need doing by the way)
BONG! Wurzel, Violet: still together
BONG! Deirdre: being blackmailed at work by someone about something (mind refusing to compute.)
BONG! The bookgroup: met once again, with hilarious results (seriously)
BONG! Dev & Amber: nice little relationship building.

In which the shit plot percentage rises to 90% and Dev has plenty of scope for RaNDOm SHoutING.

2006-02-07T12:00:00.000+01:00

Well where to begin with the last week's Compendium of Crap? I'm assuming that all the decent Corrie writers have been granted a sabbatical after their years of sterling work and have been replaced by a set of monkeys with typewriters if the latest offerings are anything to go by. I warn you now I'm saving the good bit (the Websters) until the end. Here goes...

Dev and Sunita are spending more time together, this is due to Dev continuing to pop round and Sunita being so tired she is probably hallucinating and seeing him as some kind of swarthy angel. Anyway, her resolve weakens so much in her exhaustion that she kisses him, Dev shouts "Woo hoo!", punches the air and goes off to the pub clicking his heels together to celebrate, alone, which tells you a lot. Steve comes in and warns him not to be to complacent or something. In the meantime Shelley tries to get Sunita to stay with her as it seems that she wants to go Lezzer now after being shat on by Peter and literally weed on by Darth Builder, at least that was the impression I got. Sunita however decides that the choice between supping from the hairy cup or licking Dev's oily face for the rest of her life is no choice at all and calls her brother to take her home.

Dev is later walking round being generally happy and having a smug look on his oleaginous face when he spots Sunita getting into the Car of Finality. His Random Shouting Chip goes into into hyperdrive as he stands in front of the Car "yOU CAn't DO THiS to me SuNitaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAaA!". Sunita does what she has to do and leaves teh gelatinous git weeping like a little biddy baby on the Cobblestones Of Karmic Justic. Ha Ha Ha! Amber later pops round to see him and gets a job at the shop. No doubt this is the beginning of a new and totally mediocre storyline. Althought to be fair I like Amber as a character, shame about her dad though.

Liz has come back from the cruise and is in the middle of regaling all and sundry with tales of her holiday when Fred enters, "Yeah so anyway, I was bent over and Vernon took his cymbal stand and put it right up there whilst 3 crew members stood holding their..Oh Fred, Bev's met someone else and is never coming back..anyway where was I? Well, long story short, I was drenched in it." Fred howls with the timbre of brokenhearted. He later is telling the dreadful~~ly boring~~ news to Ashley who cuts himself and they have to go to the hozzer, I wonder why? Welcome to Plot Contrivance 101: As they enter the hospital, Fred spots Orchid being wheeled in, Black and Blue (for those who do not know, Orchid was a woman who pretended to be a Thai bride to con Fred out of his money about 4 years ago, he found out, she disappeared. No I don't know why she is back either..). There is much to-ing and fro-ing, but basically, she's been beaten up by a psycho called Stuart and Fred wants to care for her, as she is sorry for her previous actions and Fred is a good man simply looking for a decent looking oriental woman to indulge his sexual desires. Fred ropes Rita in to letting her stay and Rita agrees but treats Stacy (her real name) with disdain because of her past. That's ex-prostitute, stripper and showgirl Rita by the way. Things get better between them and they go to town, only to return to find Rita's flat trashed, Rita wants to call the police, Orchid doesn't, Fred simply wants to take Orchid from behind. Orchid does a runner to Fred's and tries to turn on the Orchid charm, Fred feels the sap rising but is strong and casts her into the street like a bucket of effluent in Tudor London. I have absolutely no idea why this plot is even happening, if anyone has any clue please suggest it in the comments, as I am completely in the dark.

Jason and Sarah are back together again, mainly because Jason is horny and Sarah obviously does not mind being his sex receptacle, what would Millie Tant say? Perverted Podiatrist Phil is still hanging round and angering David, so David goes to spend time at his Dad's house, only to return with news that Martin's mad missus is preggers. Anyway, on Sarah's birthday she receives a card addressed from Richard Hillman, GASP! Straight away the finger of blame turns upon David, who denies everything, PPPhil sits there being normal, Jason wonders if this means no sex for him tonight.

Maria thiks she's pregnant, she then isn't and is chuffed, whereas Tyrone is disappointed. Tyrone has been thinking and he sits Maria down and lays it on the line to her, "Look, you're decent looking in a suburban Manchester sort of way, and I'm a gurning, borderline retarded waste of screen time, so I'm finishing with you before you get the chance to do it ot me, you bitch". Maria: sad but probably relieved. Tyrone: irritating. He puts all his energy into getting his business up and running, the nation puts all its enery into trying to keep watching the cowpat of a story. Molly starts to help him more which will no doubt lead to a coupling of two gurning imbeciles for our viewing delectation.

Eileen and St Ed are still going along nicely. Eileen is absolutely gagging for a seeing to and in the end gets him told. St Ed says that quick sex is not the way to go and that they have a future together that must not be ruined. Translation: I was turned wrongmo in prison and I need to be well entrenched in a relationship with you before I introduce the notion that I want you to use a strap-on on me. Eileen: charmed. St Ed: lovely but wrong.

THE WEBSTERS - Saviours of Soap Opera!

Rersio and Craigiet continue to make sweet, sweet love to the chagrin of their respective parents/guardian. Kev and Sall cook up a plot to foil their oversexed teenage ways: reporting them to the police for underage doing of the sex. Genius. Sally tells the police that Craigiet forced Rersio to do the terrible deed, police respond "Are you sure she's not just a bit of a slapper Mrs Webster?". They then go round to Keith's to have a word with Craigiet, where they find out THE TRUTH: No-one forced anyone, they are both bang at it and heavy on it.

Having been foiled in the police plan, Sally moves on to plan B: send Rersio ski-ing. No I haven't just made that up. Kev is not happy about it, but Sally insists and leaves him looking like a confused slightly more simian Colin Farrell. Rersio tells Craigiet the news, he believes that she should go and return stronger in their love and that'll learn all the olds that they are the Real Deal. I predict she will come back and will have gone off him, as 15 year olds do, and Craig will be heartbroken and will have to console himself with leaving the show and having a pop career.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Ronnie winding up tracy, Steve not happy
BONG! Tracy & Amy moved in with Darth. Darth: not happy.

In which I have to do 2 weeks of plot, due to missing last week's update

2006-01-25T10:11:00.000+01:00

Sorry about last week, and a big shout out to my reader in Japan!

To business. The Wonderful Websters of Weatherfield continue to be the best, most realistic and entertaining family on the tellybox at the moment. Rersio and Craigiet have been caught on the nest again and Sally erupts like a social climbing Vesuvius intent on destroying the Pompeii of their teenage love (see what I did there?). Anyway, Rersio tells her mother that they love each other and that Craigiet had his wellies on, so there is no need to worry. Sally deems this response as "unacceptable" and gets the morning after pill and forcefeeds it to Rersio. Sally: Psycho. Rersio: abused. Nation: Aghast. Kevin makes the sensible comment to Sally that "maybe it's best if we let this burn itself out as we can't keep them apart can we?" Sally says, "What, and have her knocked up and in a 2 up 2 down marrried to a confused looking, slightly more simian Colin Farrell like me? I want more for her than that Kevin!" Sally storms out leaving Kevin alone and looking like a confused, slightly more simian Colin Farrell.

Meanwhile, Rersio & Craigiet go to the doctor to get the pill. They must face the Carp on reception who looks unimpressed and very, very ugly. When they eventually get to the doctor, their normal doctor has been replaced by a scottish man with a ginger beard, which we all know is a sign of evil, and protestant puritanism. Rersio asks for the pill, Dr Evil says "Nay, thou art too innocent of age", Craigiet says "We've done nothing wrong" which seems to be his stock response to everything these days. In the end Dr Evil relents and says "I shall give you that which you seek as I would rather though inbibe said medication, fear less thou may cometh unto me seeking womb-based child murder. However, knoweth that thou wilst suffer hell's pains perpertually for thy fecund activities". Rersio & Craigiet are now free to make rampant love to their hearts content, or at least until Sally finds the pills.

I for one wish that I had Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind disease as I desperately want to forget this whole storyline, but here goes.. EvilBradley wants Mike to sign the business over to him before he starts pissing himself and thinking it's 1962, Mike doesn't want to. However he then ends up on the roof of the factory in a confused state, and agrees to whatever EvilBradley wants. GoodBradley is feeling guilty about the whole thing but Lady McLeanne is chuffed. Mike then goes to Spain, and let's EvilB and Lady McLeanne stay in his flat. McLeanne loves it when a plan comes together. I am still betting that Wurzel somehow comes to the rescue, after he has made the beast with 2 backs with Frankie, speaking of which...

Wurzel and Frankie have finally discovered that Sue Ellen is telling them both the same thing about them being after each other, so basically the truth then? Anyway, Wurzel has had enough and throws her out bag and baggage into the street like a drunken Jack Russell. Frankie says, "Christ you are sexy when you are angry". They are however still in denial, so Wurzel organises a date with lisping Violet. Whist on said date they encounter all from Casa Carp including Jason who corners Wurzel in the toilet and tells him not to go near Violet's foof or obbly-bobbly bits under any circumstances, Wurzel sends him packing, but not before Sarah overhears the row and starts one of her own with Jason around the "Why do you care about what she is doing?" theme.

Next day Jason comes to see Violet and tries to woo her by inviting her back to his place for some sex, the cad. Violet is disctinctly dis-chuffed and sends him packing, however later Jason proposes to her (eh?)and she is conflicted but ultimately says no. Jason returns to Sarah only to get a gobload for not responding to messages, he loses his rag and says "look you're just a slapper who I was using as my fuck-toy, I love Violet". Gail chucks him out and Sarah cuffs David, for reasons unknown, probably because he is very, very ugly.

In other Carp related developments. Phil has a normal conversation with David about being a lad surrounded by women, David begins to soften until Phil says "look I know things haven't been easy with your mum and everything.." David angers and says "No I don't fancy her, and in no way have a Oedipal desire to have sex with her which you are preventing me from doing!" and deliberately smashes Phil's fingers in the car boot. Arf arf!

St Ed, is still being nice to Emily and putting the moves on Eileen, Norris is not happy and is suspicious and very camp. St Ed confesses to Emily that he has been in chokey and that is where he found God, learned to paint, fix toaster and how to take 8 inches in his rear passage. Emily says "the past is the past St Ed, and it the present that we must look to. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you, crush you without mercy". St Ed has a date with Eileen, he confessed to all about the chokey time, Norris is smug, nobody else is bothered. Eileen invites him in for ~~Rampant Christian Sex~~ coffee. St Ed denies, and probably goes home for a good bout of self-flagellation.

Sunita is still denying Dev his paternal rights, and he is no doublt looking longingly at a Batman suit or a plot to kidnap a high profile child to highlight his plight. Steve however has a better idea and tells him to go and register the births himself. Sunita then tries to register the births and is told that it has already been done. She summons Dev, who says "BUT yoU WOUld nOt let me GET INvolVEd in ANY OTHER waY". Later in the week they spend more time together, Dev is hopeful, and Sunita lets him hold the twins, he weeps the salt tears of the stupid, "BoO HOO hoo, boO HoO hOo".

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Tyrone, Maria,. In press competition, Ty bought a van. Maria not happy. Nation not bothered
BONG! Jack, Vera. The art thing is still going on. I neither know nor care what it is about
BONG! I think the dog thing is still ongoing in the Barlow house, but my brain refuses to process it any longer.

In which over 50% of the plots are frankly rubbish

2006-01-11T10:39:00.000+01:00

Rersio & Craigiet continue to suffer the Separation Of The Wanton, and are yearning for each other like the Charlie Kennedy and Creme de Menthe (allegedly). They manage to sneak a conversation through a window (can you see what they did there?) but are spending most of their time apart and no doubt horny as hell. They do get some time together later in the week at Keith's House of Sin and they wax about how "everyone must be really sad and unfulfilled as they have never known love like we knows the love of each other", or something. Brillliant teenage nonsense from Corrie here: no gangsters, no people being paid to shag children, no bald bloke who looks about 40. You know who I'm talking about! Rersio is being very well behaved at home as a smokescreen for her lascivious actions and desires, Craigiet is still looking sullen and tortured (apart from when he is on Soapstar Superstar where he looks cute and lovely).

In other Webster-related news, Serphie is being bullied do to a Severe Lack of Norks. Hayley manufactures her a padded bra with skills she learned in her transformation days. Serphie is a first none to chuffed at the idea that Hayley could understand her problems, but Hayley says "There was no-one more flat chested than me, due to being a bloke and all that", and Serphie realises that if the miraculous bra could make a fella have yaps then it must be a good one. All is happy in Webster Towers, I have a feeling it won't last...

Mike has become like the king of the Rohirrim in Lord of the Rings when he was in the control of Saruman and his own henchman, except Mike is under the control of his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease and EvilBradley, but you get my drift. Mike throws Penny out for reasons I cannot remember (maybe it's catching), he then throws Adam out after EvilBradley uses his Malevolent Cockney Charm to convince him they are having an affair. Mike then says that he is going to write to Mark, his 27th, son to try and "sort things out", EvilBradley says "I'll post it for you mwahahahahaha!", he then symbolically screws it up and once again goes "Mwahahahahaha!". I'm assuming that GoodBradley is frozen in some Ice somewhere and that him and EvilBradley will battle it out in a scrapyard at some point, like that scene in Superman 3. EvilBradley does begin to feel guilty about what he is doing bu Lady McLeanne tells him to carry on, my wife reckons that it was Frankiwe that curbed this more horrible streak in Bradley and now he is without her it is running free. She may be right, or it may be that the scriptwriters are just being lazy and changing his character, you decide.

All is not well at Casa Carp. Ugliest Teenager Ever David, is stropping around and generally not being very nice to anyone, especially Phil. Whilst Gail is out they have a row over National Geographic Channel vs MTV2, Phil flips and picks David up and puts him against the wall, David looks terrified and surprisingly less ugly when vulnerable. Phil suddely catches himself on and puts him down, David says "ooooooooooooooo, you've done it now mister! When I tell my mum your haggis munching arse will be out of that door quicker than you can say Glenmorangie!". On Gail's return Phil says "I just shouted at him a bit that's all", Gail believes him and has a chat with David. David goes mad and says "I knew you wouldn't believe me, all you care about is getting backscuttled on a regular basis and not about ME!" Gail cuffs him one and David runs upstairs. Gail & Phil then settle down to watch Happy Families on the telly over a glass of wine whilst David looks through the bars on the stairs like some demented, bewigged John Malkovich.

Jason and Eileen have a row about Sarah, Jason threatens to leave, Eileen deosn't want to lose another son, especially one that stands a chance of giving her Grandkids, so becomes more accomodating with Sarah.

Emily has met a bloke called Ed at a ~~Christian Indoctrination Cult~~ Bible Group or somewhere, he seems very nice and is also making moves on Eileen. All will soon turn to shite soon though for Emily, I won't put the spoiler in here, if you want it then ask for it in the comments.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Maria waxes Tyrone. Oh how we didn't laugh.
BONG! The Barlows have a dog. It doesn't like Ken. Hilarity* as he ties to befriend it.
BONG! Liz & Vernon off on Cruise
BONG! Fred. Not gone on cruise. Tedious "we fancy each other but can't tell each other" storyline alert!!

* Utterly tedious and painful shite

It's Christmas Time, there's every need to be afraid.

2006-01-03T12:13:00.000+01:00

The Baldwin Clan (minus Wurzel and Frankie, but plus Leanne) go to The Ubiquitous Clock for Christmas dinner, also in attendance is Sue Ellen with Tony Slattery, but on a separate table obviously. She later becomes very drunk natch and then starts having a go at Bradley, until the phone Wirzel, who turns up with Frankie to take the poor pissed-up wretch home. Bradley and McBaldwin are continuing to snipe at one another, in a very boring manner, then Bradleys mum turns up, I can't remember her name but she used to be in Eldorado. Anyway, Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind kicks into overdrive and he asks where Harry is, cue slack-jawed looks from around the table, Bradley says "erm, he's dead Michael", Mike looks like a confused terrapin. he later leaves to go for "a walk" and is found by Wurzel in a foetal position outside the factory gently rocking backwards & forwards and weeping like a baby at bedtime. He says "I'm losing my mind", Wurzel says "No you're not". Mike says "But I forgot my own brother was dead". Wurzel says "What? You are totally gone mate, erm I mean you're just tired, now let's get you home and into a nappy". Mike now sees Wurzel as his saviour, and has put his number in his phone for emergencies. I predict that there are going to be Will-rigging shenanegins and Mike will spite them all by leaving everything to Wurzel, you read it here first. Disturbingly, I've started liking Wurzel recently, can I get a tablet for this or something? There is much more forgetting stuff that happens, including Proposing to Penny and then forgetting, but I'm sure you've got the gist now haven't you...

Steve and Ronnie end up at the Barlow's for christmas dinner leading to a frankly hilarious board-game scene that I would not do justice recounting here.

Sue Ellen has fallen off the wagon and into a giant vat of vodka and bitterness. She is upset that Jamie seems to like Frankie, we of course know that he fancies the pants off her. She takes every opportunity to have a go at Frankie to Jamie, in order to turn him to the dark side, he however is not listening and fantasising about Frankie's boobs. Frankie spends New Year's Eve with Nathan, flirting and generally having a good time, she kisses Jamie at midnight and he undoubtedly gets a semi-on, but it goes no further. He later ends up doing a runner for some reason, I must admit I missed this episode, so anyone who can fill in the blanks, feel free.

Rersio and Craig-iet is continuing apace, with the star-crossed lovers of Weatherfield bang at it and heavy on it. On New Year's Eve they spend the night in Keith's house, Rersio wearing a very lovely dress in my opinion, and end up making the sex after Craigiet tells her that he "worships her". Only teenagers could think that was good, an adult's Freak Alarm would be triggered immediately by someone saying that. Anyway, Sally catches them in bed and has a fit of Victorian style moral outrage about it and locks poor Rersio in the tower. Kevin shouts with a confused look on his face as per and threates "pastings" and the like. It seems a slightly hysterical reaction for Sally to be honest, yes they are underage but 1) they think they loove each other and therefore are giving their virg to someone very special, 2) they bagged up. In this day and age it's the best you can hope for I reckon. Sally then spends the rest of the week being in ans Extreme State of Rage and everybody in the whole world, especially after she fidns out Keith and Audrey knew about it, but were probably too busy making the sex themselves to care (ewwww!). Silly cow.

Also on NYE, Deirdre insists her and Ken go out and that Tracy must babysit for her own daughter. Tracy: not happy. Later on Darth Builder pops round and persuades Tracy to go to his place for spot of festive micturition, why she didn't invite him in I don't know, probably worried about the couch stinking of piss. Anyway she leaves Amy in BABY HOME ALONE SHOCKER! She returns later and all is well. I can only guess this will now be a regular occurence, until about mid Feb, when Amy will get out of her cot and try to cook chips and set the chip-pan on fire, which in the real world would then lead to care proceedings, but in Soap world will lead to Amy simply being given to Steve. ken and Deirdre return home after a vomit-inducing conversation about an "early night and a big bed" to find Amy and Tracy all snuggled on the sofa. Tracy is shaping up into a pretty good villain actually and her and Charlie are a great pairing.

In other Christmas news (abbreviated):
BONG! Les, Cilla. non-comedy borken cooker, deep fry dinner in chippy, chippy burnt down.
BONG! Clurr. Pregnant.
BONG! Fred & Bev. A couple - nearly.
BONG! Sean. wants babies. Violet, willing to be his breeding sow.
BONG! Ronnie, nicks £5k from Taxilord. Sees him in prison. Steve in danger.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

2006-01-01T15:15:00.000+01:00

A very Happy New Year to all readers and I wish you and yours all the very best for 2006. Thanks for reading my ranting scrawls, and thanks for your lovely comments in 2005.

I will be updating sometime this week when my headache clears...

Mikey Wrongmind and the Knicker Factory

2005-12-22T10:35:00.000+01:00

First of all apologies for missing the update last week and being late with this one, I have had little boy in hospital issues to deal with and have also had to build another website in my spare time for the band I am in (www.blackstaronline.co.uk for anyone who is interested).

Another cheque has gone missing or something and Mike is blaming everyone else as per. He instigates a regime of Tenko style searching on the ladies in the factory, demanding they empty their bags, pockets and internal body cavities before leaving. Everyone accepts this except Hayley, who is no doubt wondering how anyone could search her foof as it is an inside-out clacker, and she refuses to be searched on a Matter of Trust . Mike insists, then in the end sacks her. The amount of Employment & Human Rights Law broken in that exchange is staggering by the way. Hayley tries to rally the troops around for a strike, but they all make excuses about being skint and Christmas coming etc. Fair enough everyone else maybe, bt for Janice to refuse is well out of order after Hayley dragged everyone out on strike for her. Mind you, I'm forgetting that Janice is a disgusting human being and so I should expect no more really.

Next day in the pub, Mike demands to know why Hayley was not at work this morning, Hayley says "Because you sacked me, you menc". "No I never" replies Mike, "You must have misunderstood". Hayley, glad to get her job back, says fair enough. Stupidly everyone else says Ok as well. Sack someone in a fit of temper one day, forget it happened the next day and no-one bats an eyelid - how very realistic. On and they find the cheque in the end, as if we cared. Bradley has enough of it all, between McBarlow's shit acting and Mike Amazing Forgetting Mind he can see the factory going to the dogs. He sits in his armchair sipping whisky and making noises about "taking what is his" and "putting an end to it". Bradley: scheming. The Nation: soporific.

Phil's flat has flooded so he has to move in to Casa Carp for the Festive period. Mother of the Year Gail agrees to this without even a mention to David - that's confused, angry, unhappy, jealous, borderline alcoholic David - well done Gail. Amazingly David is not happy about it and thinks that Phil is lying about his flat being flooded. He is later arrested by the cops for hanging around the flat and being far too ugly to be seen in public. On his return Phil kicks off about how David is a criminal and the Police got their just in time before he started his one boy destruction spree. Gail remembers that she has a son for a minute and defends him, maybe next time she will try talking to him in the first place, instead of simply making that awful simpering face every time Phil speaks. Gail says what would he know anyway as he doesn't havfe any kids, or does he? It is the second time in a week that she has said this and for the second time Phil looked wistfully into the distance like a contemplative Wolfhound.

The Sex-o-matic Plague has spread from Casa Carp to next door this week it would seem. Keith and Audrey go for a drink and they end up tipsy (and frisky!), Keith says Audrey can stay over and she looks a bit concerned, he apologises profusely for his wanton desire. She says "Never mind that, get your Farah's off you Sheffield love machine!" and they lick each other faces. Ewwwww! Next morning, they are awkward and Blanche spots Audrey leaving in "yesterday's Lilac jumper". Later in the pub K&A proudly announce that "We have nothing to be ashamed of, I gave this woman a jolly good seeing to last night, anyone got a problem with it?". No-one could speak as they were all concentrating on not throwing up.

Rersie and Craig are to attend the Posh School Ball for Posh Kids together, Sally buys a balck dress for Rersie that is minging in a major way, Serphie deals ewith it Pretty in Pink stylee by creating her own design for it. It mostly involves ripping it. She comes down looking like a much more attractive Siousxie Sioux. Sally: not happy. Rersie: "Whatever". Craig turns up looking like Edward Scissorhands. Rersie's friend turns up and says "My up two look absolutely aces, pip pip, my mummy bought me this boring thing, ra ra, jolly hockey sticks". Sally is then happy, because a teenager whose family happen to have money likes what her daughter is wearing. Sally: a stupid, stupid cow. After the ball, R&C end up doing the sex, Goth version, which probably involves putting on Temple of Love and keeping a angry face throughout. In the morning Craig wants to shout their love from the rooftops of Weatherfield, Rersie is less keen, what with her mum not being in chokey there is a high possibililty she might kill her if she hears and put herself there. Poor Craig is crestfallen, as he loves Rersie and has no-one else other than his tight grandad and a load of stuffed animals.

Audrey finds out and advises Rersie that she is too you for the sex, Goth version or otherwise. Rersie, says, "Just coz you and your Granddaughter got preggers don't mean I will, I'm not a stupid slapper!". At which point Sally enters, and Audrey does the decent thing and doesn't tell her, way to go Audrey! This story has been written and acted very well I think.

Speaking of plots written and acted very well, here are a few that are neither of those things:

Kelly has won some money on a scratchcard, Lloyd is advising fiscal caution, kelly want to spend it all. Somehow this leads to a row in the clock, and Kelly getting mugged. No, me neither.

Tracey and Steve are rowing over who should have Amy on Christmas Day.

Liz Taylorette has a date with her boss from the bookies, played by none other than a quite frighteningly rough looking Tony Slattery. Mind you if reports are to believed he hasn't been out of his house for 4 years so it's not suprising. Anyway, they go to the clock but it turns out that he is only going out with her to make his ex jealous. Liz T is very unhappy and nearly hits the bottle again under the pressure allied with a goading Bradley, but she doesn't. Later Eric asks her out again and she agrees.

Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn

2005-12-06T14:19:00.000+01:00

Frankie is being told by Liz Taylorette that she must cut all ties with Bradley and make a clean break, what's her game then? Frankie for some reason takes the advice of a recovering alcoholic who hates her and tells Bradley that she wants a divorce. However she then thinks she may have made a mistake and pops round to see Bradley to give him another chance, as she realises she doens't want to end up like Liz Taylorette. She promptly catches him in the afterglow of the sex he has just had with Leanne. Ruh-roh! The thousand pieces that Frankie's heart is already in splinter into a further thousand pieces at the sight of such betrayal.

Frankie then turns to the demon drink, and proceeds to get plastered. Tracy spots a chance to be evil and invites Frankie to join her and Nathan, she then tries to set her up with Darth Builder. His eyes light up at the thought of another vulnerable woman to go wee wee on. Nathan, who obviously felt a disturbance in the force, realises that Frankie must be rescued and takes her home. Once inside Frankie passes out on the couch and Liz Taylorette leans over and says, "You sleep now, Liz will make it all better, and by better I mean unimaginably worse, YOU TEENAGE BABYSITTER SLUTWHORE!!!" . Cripes!

Next morning Wurzel gloats to Leanne that Bradley will only hurt her etc. Leanne decides that the best thing to do is to get together with him proper, Bradley agrees. Roadkill Relationship Alert! They decide they are "not bothered" what people think about them and later in the pub they sit together in a united front of not-botheredism. Wurzel and Frankie clock them and decide to leave, but bump into Bradley on the way out. He tells Frankie that Jamie had Leanne in her house earlier and that he told her she would end up a "pathetic drunken vodkawhore, just like Frankie and Liz Taylorette." Frankie: Upset. Bradley: Evil. Wurzel and Frankie go home and she calms down and they sit on the couch together saying how they mean the world to each other and would quite like to have sex, perhaps around Christmas time, for the ratings and the like. Liz overhears and pretends to hurt herself to get some attention. Passive-Aggressie and needy, not a very good cocktail in a mother Wurzel...

In other Baldwin news, Penny is worried about Mike ad his Amazing Forgetting Mind, and speaks to Bradley about it, Bradley couldn't give a shite. She also speaks to McBarlow about it, and then holds his face in her hands in and erotic and disturbing manner, for reasons I cannot as yet understand.

The Tradesman's Ball. (Warning! Includes non-comedy) Diggory pays Liz McCleavage to be his escort for the evening, nice. However, she then abandons him to hook up with Vernon, the drummer from the band, who used to be the market inspector in EastEnders, and looks a bit on the shifty side. Keith and Audrey have a row about a suit or something, I don't really know what happened as I was rendered blind by my own indifference. Fred and WBBev get on well and end up having a small face-lick at the end of the night, I've opened a book on how long it takes him to propose. Liz later sees Vernon on other dates and is all gushing and happy about how wonderful he is, this only happens in soaps when something truly awful is about to happen. Diggory also sacks her in a fit of fat and ugly jealousy.

Ashley is blind in one eye, there is an unitentionally hilarious scene where the doctor removes his eyepatch and he squeaks, "It's just blackness". Thing is I can't help feeling that if I were in the same situation I wouldn't really be bothered, I mean losing sight in one eye ain't the end of the world is it? Not like losing a leg, or a wife to an unconvincing murderer. I know he has to handle sharp knives in his work but so do pirates and they do alright with only one eye. Anyway, he spends the week being moody and full of self-pity, the nation spends the week full of apathy and boredom.

Tracy has moved from Peripheral Evil this week to larger role of Evil in the central plotting. She is cozying up with Darth and at one point offers to "share herself" with Nathan and Darth. Darth smiles and the idea of twos-up with added wee wee, Nathan however has had enough and finishes with her on the spot, calling her a "pretty girl but a vile, ugly, incosequential evil character with too many teeth". Tracy cannot believe the audacity of the man, we cannot belive it took him so long....

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Serphie, rough new cousin/friend, Sally: not happy
BONG! Chesney, sad about above development. (poor Ches)

Eye of the (Blind) Tiger

2005-11-30T14:50:00.000+01:00

Corrie is continuing this season's theme of "shit", this week. However, shit is a relative term and compared to the other soap this week, Corrie's shit is actually good, if you follow me. I mean really EastEnders, do you not remember what happened to the last soap that tried to include lesbianism and gangsters? Here's a hint. Anyway I digress....

Tracy has decided to be horrible to Clurr, we are not told why, it seems to have just come from nowhere without explanation or backstory, like David Cameron. It begins with her making comments about Clurr having no friends, moves through a row in the Rovers and ends up with Ashley in hospital. If none of this interests you I suggests you miss this section, I unfortunately cannot as I have a duty to my public, who are probably already skipping this section....

Clurr gives Tracy a taxi ride home, Tracy refuses to pay as Steve is to blame for everything and so she should get free taxis. Little Amy has a cough and Clurr points out that it sounds nasty and that her friend's kid had a cough that turned into the Bubonic Plague or something. Tracy says "I'm sorry", Clurr says "Oh she's ok now", Tracy says, "No I'm sorry because I didn't think you had any friends." With wit like this around I bit Eddie Izzard is shitting himself. Anyway, later Ashley and Nathan are in the pub and the ladies turn up there is another row in which nasty things are said etc etc blah blah.

Next day, Nathan and Ashley meet up for their weekly ~~homo-erotic sweating~~ boxing session. Ashley tells Nathan that Tracy is an evil person with too many teeth, and is a character of limited consequence and importance in the current plotting, she however serves as an evil presence as a juxtaposition against the wholesome nature of the rest of the characters, and is also used to cause occasional stupid plots like this one that is about to happen. Nathan says she was "only having laugh". Ashley won't let it go, and continues "the good/evil dichotomy has been used in storytelling since the beginning of the written word, but was popularised more recently in the Star Wars films, with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Tracy, by the way, has teeth like Darth Vader's mask grill". Nathan has heard enough and smacks him one. He then shouts, "I told you not to push me! I fundamentally disagree with your analysis of the history of drama and the role played by good/evil, AND, Tracy is my bird!" Nathan then goes into the changing room and savagely beats the locker up. What does this tell us about him I wonder? Ashley is left crumpled on the floor like some squeaky voiced draught excluder.

Nathan later confesses to being a former criminal with anger issues to Kevin, Kevin says, "But growing up black in thatLondon you have to be a criminal don't you?". Nathan confesses to actually being a middle class lad who went off the rails. Fair play to Corrie, it would have been easy to have had him come from Stonebridge or Tower Hamlets, but at least they changed stereotype a bit.

Upshot of it all is that Ashley might be blind in one eye, I am impressed at how very little I care.

Bradley has set his sights on winning Frankie back as it is their anniversary, so he has activated the "overdrive" function on hi s "Cheeky Mockney Charm" machine. He releases a giant balloon off the top of the factory with "I love you" on it, she goes mad and says it has done nothing but embarrass her, however her eyes tell a different story.... He later pops round to work some more cheeky magic on her, she is jsut about to cave in when Wurzel and Liz Taylorette come in. Wurzel gets all "Grrrr, Smash!" and throws Bradley out, then chins him and lays him out. Fair play, hitting those gnashers must've hurt his hand. Bradley's advances are thwarted, but for how long? In other Baldwin related news, Mike is getting more forgetful and has forgot to bank a cheque that he forgot he was given. I hope he does this nearer Christmas and then the local rich man can foreclose on the business, then Bradley will try and top himself before being shown what life would be like had he never existed by his Guardian Angel - "there was no 5th series of Wheel Of Fortune Bradley, you were not around to present it.." Anyway all further evidence of Mike's creeping Alzheimer's.

The Jason/Violet/Sarah Triangle of Horn has ended as it is in the open now. Violet is upset with Sean for not telling her the TRUTH, she later finds out that Eileen also knew the TRUTH. She has to seek solace with Sunita and Shelley, past masters at the finding out of the TRUTH. Sarah now wants them to be a proper couple, Jason has a look in his eyes that suggests that he'd rather boil his own head, but agrees anyway as he is a builder of very little brain.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Trademan's Ball, Fred, Diggory, trying to find women to take
BONG! Kirk, Fiz, sorting stuff out. Molly: plotting
BONG! Les, Cilla, now properly married. Oh how we laughed (by "we" I mean "no-one")

I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.

2005-11-23T14:11:00.000+01:00

Can I first say that having looked into it I can confirm that this is the worst week of Corrie since records began, even worse than the Spider/Emily/Red Rec debacle. I can also confirm that Ernest Bishop is alive and well, my Uncle saw him playing guitar for Bob Dylan at the MEN Arena last week.

Sunita has sought the counsel of Shelley in her hour of need, who incidentally seems to have recovered from a 2 year mental mauling in the space of two weeks, without so much as one additional session with Dr Finchy. Way to go writers, confirming the stereotype that overcoming mental illness is simply a matter of "pulling youself together" and "getting real". Anyway, whilst she is there the Devmeister turns up in a fit of randomly shouted emotional turmoil and rage. "ThIS alL happENED YEarS AGO!" he semi-bellows "Don't puNISH Me fOR IT NoW!!", Sunita suggests he tells his Harem of Improbabilty his woes as she is in the not caring zone, and also she is going to abort his precious babies. Dev cries "NooOOOOoo, not the PREcious!" and runs form the Rovers.

Later Sunita goes around to see Dev in the Office and he does that thing all blokes do and offers her a seat and to make her a cup of tea and other things, it's as if we think that they will be so blinded by us being nice to them that they will forget the fact that we have splintered their heart into a thousand pieces. Sunita says, "Don't bother, I only came round to tell you not to come to the Rivers again, ever." Dev says "bUT we'RE talKING NOw aren't WE?", but Sunita has already left. She also at some point admits she is not having an abortion. I hopes she does, then Corrie could have a stab at The Godfather,Part 2:

"Oh Dev you are so blind"
"What do you mean?"
"I had an abortion Dev, and it was a son Dev, a son! But I did it because all this must stop, all this Indian, Random shouting THING has to stop!"

It would be worth it just to see Dev attempt Al Pacino intensity. I imagine it would involve shouting, randomly.

There is much more of this sort of stuff, but basically Sunita is applying for a Divorce because it is OVER, and Dev is crying over cots and baby things. Tracy winds Dev up about the whole thing and Deirdre is sympathetic and consoling to him. Great, that's all we need, the image of those two making the sex in addition to the Gail/Phil montage in our already poisoned minds. It's like visiting www.totalmingersdoingthesex.com/middle_aged

Mercifully the only sexual action coming from Casa Carp this week is from Sarah and Jason. He is working round there and she is once again making all kids of innuendo at all times, like popping home from the slaon at lunchtime to make him a sandwich, a vagina sandwich with extra boobie" or something, probably. Gail nearly catches them snogging and asks why Sarah is home, " I just came home to ~~sit on Jason's jackhammer~~ get some lunch" she innocently says, the minx. All of this eventually culminates in them having the sex upstairs a couple of days later, however David catches them and his ugly face breaks into and Ugly smirk.

David then decides to blackmail Jason in order to get money for Vodka Ice and Creme de Menthe. Jason pays up as he wants his Triangle of Horn to continue, but later changes his mind when David demands more money for some Laophraig 20 year Single Malt and a kebab, frustrated David attacks him but Jason holds off hid puny teenage attack with his strong "I can do it with 2 girls at once" arms. Gail later finds out, David tells her Jason started it, police called, yadda yadda. NEXT!

Liz Taylorette has hit rock bottom, has faced up to being an alcy abnd has checked into THe Wurzel Clinic. She spends most of the week doing a seemingly poor impression of Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, the scriptwriters for some reason seem to think we care.

The Gothettes are trying to convert the whole of Weatherfield to vegetarianism. They are hatching plans left right and centre, firstly blockading Fred's shop until they are told to stop. There is a great moment as they discuss their next plans when the teenage boy in Craig takes over his principles and he says "can we just pack all this in and go for a snog?" Brilliant. They then get the pig on a lead for some reason and take him around the street. The words bottom, barrel, and scraping come to mind.

In other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Fiz, Kirk, Molly. to shit to even recap
BONG! Tracy, Nathan, can't make the sex, shit who cares?

Dev and Debacle

2005-11-15T15:05:00.000+01:00

Apropos of nothing, after being out of the main plotting for about 6 months, Dev and Sunita have floated to the top of the Corrie pile this week like a turd in a Royal Doulton. And, just like you can't polish a turd, you cannot polish this storyline in any way. Here goes.

One of Dev's workers, Ravinder, has splintered her fetlock or something, and so her teenage female offspring, Amber, must come and stay at Dev and Sunitas' place. Dev is not happy and enganges in plenty of RANdom sHOUTing about the whole thing. This seems odd, but all will soon become clear, it won't make any sense mind you but it will become clear. Sunita takes Amber back to her flat to await the return of Ravinder and spies a picture of Dev, looking just like Lou Bega of Mambo Number 5 fame, with Ravinder on the fridge. Sunita looks perplexed, and later questions Dev about it who says, "Photo? eh? look over there!" and runs off.

Unhappy with such a response Sunita goes to see Ravinder on the Fetlockology Ward to demand The Truth! Ravinder says "You can't handle the truth! But ask Dev anyway not me". Sunita insists and she confesses that Amber is indeed Dev's child, she then adds "and you might want to have a word with the woman who works in Gorton, oh and the woman who works in Radcliffe, oh and I've got another kid with him as well. But don't worry about the Wigan shop, even Dev wouldn't stoop that low". Sunita: the 5th person in a month to have her heart broken into a thousand betrayed pieces.

Sunita confronts Dev about the Harem of Improbability and he randomly shouts "I was GOIng to TELL you bUT onLY after THe bABIes were born, and ANYWAy hOW was I to KNOW thaT the wRITERS would come up WITH someTHing so bloody STUPID?!" Sunita is having none of it and tells him that it is all over etc etc, liar yadda yadda. In the end some other woman walks in with a baby that is Dev's and Sunita weeps the tears of the betrayed.

I like Sunita, but I cannot feel sorry for her in this, because the storyline is just far too stupid to be taken remotely seriously enough to elicit an emotional response. Shame on you Corrie, I know that Dev Actor Man made it impossible to keep him in the show, but really is this the best you can do? Or is it Sunita that is leaving? Either way it was shite, NEXT!

There is obviously something in the water at Casa Carp as Gail and Sarah are clearly on heat. Sarah is going for Jason in a ruthless manner, making him come round to check the lighting and saying things like "ooh it's high voltage, you'll get a shock with what I can do" and "can you please put your lump hammer right up my foof" or words to that affect anyway. Jason is resisting at the moment, but it is making him feel bad and his poor puny brain cannot cope with it and he is making strange with Violet as a result. Jason: Horny but trying. Sarah: strumpet.

I'm sorry to have to recap what Gail & Phil have been up to as I am sure we have all had enough sleepless nights over it already, but I must try to be professional and give and account. Since Martin has gone to Liverpool with his loopy missus, David has pointed out to Gail that she is a sad act who is all alone and all that. Gail inexplicably takes his advice on board rather than pasting him and sending him to his room, and contacts Phil again. They go out to the Pizza Place, and Phis says, "I'm not ordering food until you tell me what's going on!"
"Well, David told me I need to help myself a bit more"
"Which means?"
"I want your caber in my foof"
Phil pours the wine faster than you can say french letter.

They get back to the house and Gail invites him in for coffee, and they make some more innuendo about being up all night. The nation as one grip their sickbags tighter. They go inside and start licking each other's faces as at every home in the land the vomit flows....

Next day Gail has her simpering face on as she tells her mother and daughter about the fabulous seeing to she had the night before. I repeat that this is to her mother and daughter. Audrey is pleased for her, Sarah decides to recdouble her efforts with Jason as being beaten at sex by your carpfaced mother is a poor show.

Janice is stirring it in the factory as the workforce now know about the true nature Bradley's parentage due to McBarlow telling them. Sean in fact even calls him McBarlow at one point which was cool, maybe he's a fan of the blog. Bradley attacks McBarlow who has the smuggest smirk on his face ever and the fight is broken up. Janice's Metal Mickey-like head has a satisfied look upon it and at this point I could quite easily sanction a hitman to kill both her and McBarlow without losing any sleep, not including what I'm already losing thinking about Gail's orgasm face obviously.

In other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Lloyd, Kelly, other woman, no I don't care either
BONG! Websters, something about new trainers
BONG! Liz Taylorette, sober, Janice, kicks her off the wagon. janice: EVIL

No Updates

2005-11-10T13:00:00.000+01:00

Apologies for the lack of updates for the past couple of weeks, I couldn't bring myself to write about the wedding pantomime farce and then I was away with work and saw no Corrie at all last week.

I'll be back firing on all cylinders next week.

The Twelve Trials of Kirkules

2005-10-25T16:28:00.000+02:00

The girls in the factory are taking advantage of Bradley's weakened state by taking unprecedented liberties, like having the transistor radio on and (the horror!) working too slowly. McBarlow tries to deal with them but they quite understandably laugh in his terribly acted and bewigged face, McBarlow has had enough and takes Bradley for a drink to tell him to get it together. He mentions liberties and things like that, Bradley takes it all on board goes back to the factory and lines them up, Tenko style, for a bollocking. During said bollocking he smashes the tranny on the floor (the radio, not Hayley), and Janice says, "How's the family Bradley?", Bradley immediately sacks her, in direct breach of the Employment Act 2004 by the way. Hayley is fully aware of this and pleads with him to reconsider, he doesn't so it is strike time!! They all march out on a wildcat strike (in direct breach of the Trades Union Act 1985), except Sally, who they then later call a scab and physically intimidate (in direct breach of criminal law and the Industrial Relations Act 1985) as she tries to cross the picket line. Any of you lot reading this thinking of doing any of the above have been warned!

A pitiful picket line is created, Bradley brings in scab labour to supplement Sally, and then Mike comes back, and he is not happy, he's even less happy when he finds out about the World's Least Interesting affair. By the time he gets into the factory he probably can't remember what he's pissed off about but plods on anyway, he tells Bradley he must sort the strike out. Bradley says no, and then Mike's terrapin like head extends further out of his shoulder shell and his eyes become all misty, he makes random comments about "mistakes" and how him and Bradley are "alike". He then tells inexplicably tells Bradley that he is his real Dad. Ruh-roh. Way to go genius, his world has already been turned upside down so you think it's a good idea to kick it down the stairs and out into the street as well do you? Bradley then totally nicks a line I could've used by saying that Mike had gone all Darth Vader on him. Bradley gets all "Grrrrr, smash" on the factory and Mike leaves, retracting his head back into his shoulder shell. Bradley tries to phone Frankie, she hangs up, he tries to phone his mum, she's not in (probably out shagging someone the hussy). He sits alone in the factory and becomes the fourth person in a fortnight to have his heart shattered into a thousand betrayed pieces. Amazingly I found myself feeling some sympathy for him, so credit to the writers for that one.

Gail and Phil continue to nauseate the nation with their potential shagging shenanegans. They have a night in together at Casa Carp and things take a turn for the minging as they begin licking each other's faces, Gail takes him upstairs but then panics at the thought that Phil may start coiffuring his hair and developing an Unconvicing Evil Stare. She sends him away. Gail: conflicted. Phil: warming up his right hand. Gail later tells him in the cafe that she thinks they should stop seeing each other as she cannot be intimate with a man ever again probably. Phil: back to the foot fetish porn. The nation: cry salt tears of joy. Unfortunately I have a feeling this will not be the end.

Taxilord has invoked the Seven Plagues of Gangster on Streetcars. His first plague is Intimidation of Employees, he sends Unconvicing Henchman Son to get into Clurr's cab and reel off a lot of cliches about "harm" and "lovely little lad, shame if he got hurt" etc and tells her to stop working for Steve. Clurr goes home and UHS follows her so he knows where she lives, in broad daylight, with about 20 witnesses to see him do it. Genius. Ashley sees him, his Maxime rage explodes and he lamps UHS and sends him packing. He then comes over all Danny Glover in The Color Purple and says "You will not drive that automobile again. You hear me Miss Clurry?!" She defies her husband and says, "The war on turrer goes on".

Later Taxilord pays Lloyd a visit, Lloyd is all "look mate I'm doing my best but your Missus is obviously fantastic in the sack as Steve won't see sense". Taxilord is not happy, and he calls Lloyd a "monkey" and maintains he should "go back to the jungle" at which point Kelly comes in and is told the same. The gloves are off now! No doubt we will now see a united front as all of Middle Weatherfield unite to defeat the Evil Taxilord. Fair play to Corrie on this one though, lots of soaps shy away from racism even in their most evil characters, so they should be applauded for having the guts to actually show it.

Les has asked Kirk to be his best man, but Cilla wants her oldest son to do it, so she devises 12 tests he must pass to be allowed the honour. BBC1 had the updated Canterbury Tales, Corrie has this gem as a reworking of Greek mythology. They also steal a Wedding cake. Laugh? I nearly did.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Sunita, still pregnant. Dev, still and insufferable bellend.
BONG! Jack, sailing ancestor. No, me neither.
BONG! Ken & Deirdre, Ken drinking decaf now. (I can't believe that is an accurate plot summary, but it is)

YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!

2005-10-18T10:51:00.000+02:00

Liz Taylorette has turned up on the street, demanding to know why her beautiful Wurzel son's wedding has been postponed, and where she can get some SmartPrice Brandy at 9:30am. She goes to see Leanne, who once again shows her ability to be utterly brain-dead under questioning and says, "It's Frankie's fault, Bradley's been playing hide the sausage with another woman again and now she's dead upset and so she says she can't handle us getting married", Taylorette storms off to see Frankie, well done Leanne. Bradley sees Liz Taylorette entering his former abode and his crinkly mush crumples into what can only be described as an "oh shit" face. Taylorette starts laying the law down to Frankie, until in the end Frankie cannae take no more captain and says "It was Leanne, that's why he can't marry her!" It is now Taylorette's turn to show her total lack of cool under pressure skills, and storms off for the second time in search of Leanne. Teh whole Crypto Clan end up meeting in the factory office, Taylorette determined to tell THE TRUTH, Bradley tries aversion tactics , "oh is that the time? Wurzel let's me and you get this delivery out, where's me washboard? A man walks in to a bar, listen to this it's a cracker this one, he says to the barman 'have you ever slept with a horse?'" Taylorette suffers this no longer and tells THE TRUTH. Ruh-Roh!

Wurzel wheels round to Bradley, who actually has a go at adding crying to his emotional repertoire (which now reads: cheeky, chirpy, crying, cheeky, shouting, cheeky). To be honest it is so bad I expect a drama tutor to walk on and say "Ok Bradley we'll come back to that, let's move on to exercise 4 - Being a Tree Throught Medium of Dance." Wurzel is having none as he has become the second person in the space of a week to have his heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces. Bradley later tries to talk to him, Wurzel says, "Look dad, Wheel of Fortune was bad enough, but this I cannot forgive you for".

Liz Taylorette sees an opportunity to win back her boy and starts tipping poison in about how Frankie didn't tell him because she is evil and doesn't really love him, Wurzel being a bear of very little brain at first agrees, but later realises like thet rest of us that Frankie is ace and decides to stay. Frankie: pleased. Liz Taylorette: Heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces, No 3. I suggest Wurzel should make a move on Frankie, after all they are about the same age, thus creating such a complicated Crypto-Incest situation that even Mormons will get confused.

Leanne eventually leaves, I am shocked by how little I care. Later in the week, Wurzel turns up with cropped hair, maybe it is symbol of a new beginning or maybe he is a sort of reverse Samson who will gain brains and charm through having short hair. More likely someone just told him the truth, that his hair was a Hate Crime and if he didn't sort it out a European Tribunal would be after him.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Gail has now lapped poor Eileen in this competition she is so far ahead, but the more I see of Phil the more I think that she has had a lucky escape. Anyway, Gail and Phil go out for a meal to The Clock, Gail wants to know more about him, like how did he get into foot maithering. Given her past with men I'd be asking more searching questions than that if I was her: "Do you have an unconvincing evil stare?", "Are you in any way psychopathic?" for example. He relays a story about some widow on a bus getting her feet rubbed and it made her forget about her dead husband or something, I feel it's more about a desire to lick between women's toes myself, time will tell, watch this space. Gail maturely decides that this is enough information to shag him and takes him home, only to be scuppered by Teenage Rage! David has made a mess of the house and simply makes grunting noises when spoken to, Phil makes his excuses and leaves. Gail is furious, she says "you need to more grown up David! Now get to your room you naughty little boy!" David goes upstairs and blasts out Joy Division from his stereo. Fabulous stuff, the longer I can put off thinking about the image of Gail's orgasm face whilst a giant Scotsman sweats and heaves over her the better.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a toyboy, who is a dead ringer for the dwarf from Fantasy Island and The Man With the Golden Gun. She parades him around in front of Steve who pulls his usual array of Why the Fuck Is This Happening To Me™ faces. Liz says, "let's go and have a shower together Andy", Steve says "He's called Andy?! Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!" before washing his eyes out with caustic soda. Andy says, "Look Boss! Zee plane." Andy later brings his mother to the Rovers to meet Liz, she is a clone of her, Liz becomes afraid of the oedipal nightmare she has wandered into and packs him in on the spot. Andy looks upset, wait until Mr Scaramanga finds out about it mate.

Ronnie and Steve are still going strong, Taxilord has been round to Streetcars to put the frighteners on Lloyd, who then tells Steve to pack her in and pack her bags for everybody's sake. Taxilord then provides evidence he attended the same Crap Gangster College as Byrite Andy on EastEnders, by invoking a terrifying campaign of spilling Olive Oil on seats and making hoax taxi bookings. The Horror! Steve is blatantly in love with his 1940s debutante Ronnie and thus cannot lose her so he decides to meet up with Taxilord to tackle the issue head on. They meet up in a pub, Taxilord says "hello Steve, this is my Unconvicing Henchman Son, that is required in all of these scenes, carry on". Steve details his Roadmap to Peace, involving not straying onto Taxilord's patch and not causing anymore damage etc, he however makes a diplomatic faux pas when he then adds " and your missus hates you and loves having sex with me and she isn't coming back ever. Fancy a drink?". Taxilord makes some cliched points about Steve having guts to face him or something. Whilst Steve is at the bar, Unconvincing Henchman Son says "are you going soft?", Taxilord says "no, whacking (yes he actually used that word) him would be a waste of a bullet, he'll wish he's never been born by the end of this yadda yadda yadda". Please. Make. This. Stop. Now. Remember the simple equation: Decent Soap + Gangsters = Death of Soap (see Brookside)

Robyn has found out about Martin's past and is not replying to his calls, Martin goes to finds her at school and they eventually talk. He tells all and she says, "So let me get this straight, added to the fact that you are a rat faced minger who can't act, you have also been arrested for murder and spent time shacked up with a 16 year old girl with serious sartorial issues?"
"yes"
"Funnily enough I need some time to think about this". About 5 seconds should be enough love.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Deirdre, quit smoking, Ken, quit Coffee, Nation, quit caring
BONG! Les, Cilla, no church
BONG! Janice, giving Bradley trouble

Betrayal: The Aftermath

2005-10-12T12:04:00.000+02:00

Frankie is sitting alone, staring into the painful abyss of pain and deception that her life has proven to be, inside her chest cavity she can hear the tinkling of the pieces of her broken heart. Bradley returns and tries to tell her that Leanne made all the running because she is, after all, a slag. Frankie is having none of it and dishes him out a serving of lumpy-head, this forces Bradley into a tactical change and he instead pleads with her not to tell Wurzel. "He's just a boy love, and you don't want him to hate his Dad do you ey?", Frankie doesn't let on what she is going to do. She acted the pants off this scene by the way, Bradley was just Bradley as usual.

On their return from Amshterdam, Leanne and Wurzel are buoyed upon the afterglow of their lovefest and are in a hurry to tell everyone all about it (their impending marriage, not the the sex in Holland obviously). Bradley heads them off at the pass, well outside the house, and tells Wurzel that he's been kicked out because Frankie knows about an affair he's been having, Leanne says "Does she know who it was with?", Bradley says "yes", winks and nods and puts his fingers to his lips. Wurzel is too busy being morally outraged to notice.

Frankie later confronts Leanne and tells her that she had better finish with Wurzel or else she will tell everything. Leanne says "Burrah love 'im!", Frankie throws her head back and laughs maniacally, " Love is a lot of things darling, unfortunately one of them isn't taking it in the naughty place of your fiance's dad". The storyline plods on in this vein for much of the week, Bradley is confident of using his crinkly charms to get back in with Frankie, but she rebuffs all attempts at Unconvicing Cheeky Cockney Charm®, and Bradley starts to realise that this could be it this time.

Apart from the above storyline, the silly season continues....

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. This has become a bit of a whitewash, with Gail winning by miles due to the scriptwriters blatantly ignoring the results of the poll on this very site that proved that 91% of the public wanted Eileen to win*. Anyway CarpFeatures goes out for a meal with Phil, all is going well generally. Sarah isn't happy though, this is because she has a brain that can reason further than that of a Carp in spawn, Gail realises that she must talk to Sarah before she samples some of Phil's caber to make sure all is OK.

Eileen gets her revenge on Gail by pouring concrete into her footspa and cementing her feet in whilst Gail is asleep, she does not wake up. A footspa has warm sooting water in it, concrete is cold, coarse and full of alkali materials. I'll say no more about the ridiculous nature of this.
Gail cancels a date with Phil, at some point he gives her a firemans' lift for some reason I couldnt' work out, maybe she has a carry fetish. Gail talks to Sarah, they talk about Richard, Gail confesses that she can't even watch an advert for the Pru without thinking about Richard, and pensions now frighten her or something. Basically she uses the entire conversation to manipulate Sarah into saying "I don't mind if you make the beast with 2 backs with Phil". Can you imagine Gail's orgasm face? I'll leave you to pnder on that one.
*Actual people surveyed: 18

Gail is not the only one of the Platt Dynasty to be geeting a bit of loving these days with Ratface Martin getting himself a new woman in the guise of Robyn, the other mascot woman, who seemingly likes men who look like rats and have the charm and personality of a turnip. AS someone put it, "I suppose Robyn is quite pretty compared to Martin's last two. If you put Kaytay's haircut onto Gail's face you would have an identikit for the worst looking woman on the planet" (© shangalang, GU Talk).

After much to-ing and fro-ing that is far too boring to recount here, they end up back in Martin's flat. Robyn is wearing a frankly bizarre dress cum smock thing that looks like it is made of nylon flowery toilet roll covers. Anyway they have a "double meaning" conversation about sex alike to the one between Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in Annie Hall, except this one had no chemistry whatsoever and you keep asking yourself, "why in the name of blue fuck would someone who looks like her fancy him?", so not that dissimilar to Annie Hall on the latter front then really. Anyway, they go to bed we try not to think about it too much.

Steve has taken on a new driver at Streetcars , she appears to be a hybrid of Marilyn Monroe and Mick Hucknall and is called Ronnie. He obviously fancies her and so uses the oldest recruitment criteria in the book and employs her, Lloyd is not happy, Eileen is amused, we are soporific. Couple of days later a bloke turns up the office, he is a local taxi warlord or something and instructs people not to employ his wife so that she will be destitute and will have to return home to him, and they better do as he says as he is powerful man apparently. For a second I was afraid that we were about to drift into Eastenders Gangster Territory, then I remembered that the Corrie writers tend to understand good plotting and public opinion, and relaxed again. Anyway you can see where this is going, Taxilord's missus is non other Mickilyn Huckroe! What a gargantuan surprise. Lloyd tells Steve he has to sack her, Steve pulls "Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me?"™ face no 38, but agrees. He takes her for a drink and makes a decision to shag her instead, nice work fella! We await the outcome of this love/gangster triangle with spectaculary un-bated breath.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Cilla, ripped wedding dress, not happy with church. Non-comedy holocaust
BONG! Liz, toyboy
BONG! Violet, Jason, patching things up, ahhhhhhh.

The End of the Affair

2005-10-05T09:58:00.000+02:00

The World's Least Interesting Affair is now in the open since FatRipley came home and found Leanne and Bradley Walsh heavy petting on the sofa, something for which they would of course be thrown out of the swimming baths, along with running, smoking and the most heinous of crimes: bombing. FatRipley is giving it the large one in the factory, being lippy and lazy, Danny is about to say something but is given a "Bollock me and I'll have your bollocks, or your wife will" look. Cowed, Bradley returns to his office and later tells Leanne to tell FatRipley to pack it in, Leanne laughs and says "She's only having a laugh, you crinkly old comedian you". Anyway, it all becomes too much for Bradley who decides that they have to split up. Leanne is all "Am I bovvered", but it is obvious that inside her heart is splintered into a thousand pieces. Her mood is lifted however when Bradley suggests they go to a special hotel, for a special night of special sexualness. Christ, imagine that crinkly face and white teeth bearing down on you...

In order to facilitate Bradley's Burnage Bonking Bonanza he sends Wurzel to Amshterdam, however on the day the van breaks down and so Wurzel spends the afternoon getting frisky with Leanne. Two blokes in one day for her then, nice. As they lie in the afterglow of their love Wurzel ends up proposing, producing some of Elizabeth Duke's finest in the process, Leanne accepts, and also agrees to go to Amshterdam with him for a Leerdammer fuelled sexfest. She rings Bradley to tell him it's off, leaving a message in the answerphone, then promptly leaves her phone behind with Frankie. Ruh-Roh!

Later, Bradley is in the hotel room awaiting his quarry, he checks his messages and then phones Leanne's mobile. Leanne's mobile rings and is accompanied by a photo of Bradley in the knacker on the screen and the name "Bradley (the one who has been having sex with me for a number of months)", Not exaclty one of the greatest criminal minds is Leanne. Frankie looks puzzled and chooses to answer it in a Leanne voice, Bradley says "Where are you? I'm stood here with a hard on and nowhere to put it, and it's no use playing hard to get because I know and you know that you are a slag". Frankie says, "erm Bradley, it's me". Bradley puts the phone down and says nothing, but you can see on his face that something inside him has just fallen on its side. Frankie: heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Eileen has a date with Phil and later gloats to Gail that he is not interested in her and that her family are just another family of freaks for his thesis. Gail, being the grown up that she is, then goes and kicks Phil out in a fit of pubescent rage just as Sarah is about to open up to him. Well done Carpy, top marks for perspective and maturity there. Phil later tries to make amends with Gail, Sarah attempts to rebuff him but as he knocks on the door Gail's eyes widen and her mouth gloops ecstatically in spite of Sarah's protests about the fact that he is a bit of a shit and all that. Phil weaves his Caledonian Silver Tongued Majic on her and also destroys the interview tapes to show he really wants her as more than an interviewee, Gail is happy and they agree to start again. Erm Gail, there are things called tape recorders in this world, they can make copies of tapes, might be worth bearing that in mind.

Later Eileen tries to build bridges (after being blanked by Phil) by telling Gail that they've both been duped by an improbable character, but when Phil comes to meet Gail at that point she throws Eileen a "Have that you bitch!" look. Right can we dump the slow plotting now and just move to the bit where Eileen beats Gail's face repeatedly with a coal shovel? I'm sure that would make us all a lot happier.

Violet and Jason go out for a big clubbing session (the dancing type, not the baby seal type), which is the first time I can remember any of the young characters going out properly at all by the way. Once bladdered, Violet is again overcome with the weight of guilt re the Darth Snogging, telling Shelley obviously was not enough to purge her fetid soul so now she must face Jason. She tells him that what he is about to hear will shock and horrify him, but he is still too ~~pilled off his box~~ giddy from his night out to listen to her, until she tells him the full awful truth that is. Jason is not happy, he cannot believe that she would be so stupid to remove the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus let Darth in for the snog, so he orders her to sleep on the couch.

Next day Jason jacks his job in because he cannot work for such an evil man, I mean it was OK when Darth was weeing everyone else's women, but not his woman. Violet moves in with Shelley as they share the bond of having being turned to the dark side, they no doubt go in the back room put "I Will Survive" on and drink Lambrini. Sean tries to get Jason to talk to Violet, Jason isn't in the mood to take advice from the resident wrongmo, however Shelley puts a dent in his Armour of Outrage, so all is not lost.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Cilla, wedding dress, non-comedy shenanegins
BONG! Martin, mascot love. Kill. me. now.
BONG! Liz, bicycle bakery deliveries, more non-comedy
BONG! Diggory, will someone please kill him (that's a request, not news)
BONG! Nathan, foils garage scam, of little consequence
BONG! Streetcars, new driver, woman for Steve
BONG! Kelly, Lloyd, another woman, no-one cares.

Down, Down, the Quality's Down

2005-09-27T11:07:00.000+02:00

Status Quo turn up in the Rovers in a not all silly, pointless and far fetched manner. Turns out that Francis, the one with dark hair, has had to wear a neck brace for years because some Ginger Mancunian jumped on him 20 years ago on stage. Knowing that he is probably not referring to Paul Scholes we must assume that this will end up being Les, oh my sides. Chesney rushes to tell Les that his all time favourite band of all time are in the pub, but he will not believe him. To cut a pointlessly hour long episode short, Les eventually believes it and runs out to the pub clutching all his albums to get them signed, albums such as "They All Sound the Same", "They All Sound the Same, except this one's got a slow one on it" and "The One About Being in the Army that Was a Minor hit in the 80s". The Quo are about to to drive off when Francis spots Les and realises that Les is the man who hurt his neck in days of Rock n Roll yore, surprise sur-fucking-prise. Francis chins Les, as does Rick, leaving him Reelin' All Over the Floor. (Can you see what I did there?)

Cilla smells blood, money smeeling blood, that is in fact money and not blood at all, as the chance for a "compo" claim looms large. Solicitors take one look at her and won't take the case on "Look love, you are a totally unconvincing, two dimensional, pantomime villain type of character, therefore you will have about as much credibility in court as you have with the audience of this show". Cilla: angry but undeterred. On returning to the pub Kirk shows them his latest pap photos, it's a photo of the fight = evidence! Thankfully there were no topless shots of Fiz, I'd just had my tea. Les and his Ex Brookside Solicitor go to see the Quo solicitor, who surprisingly is aged about 13. There is much fencing and posturing until the photos are produced, Quo Solicitor the Younger realises the game is up and says "ok Les, let's talk turkey, then I can get back to playing Crack Whore Rape Massacre on my PS2".

Les later struts into the pub with the air of a man who has achieved something great, Cilla and Yana have been shopping and are talking about what it is like to be rich. Les confesses that the Quo Adolescent Lawyer offered him £500, 000, but instead Les took the alternative offer of having the Quo play at the wedding. Cilla "Why did you do that for?" Les "Because it's Status Quo's 40th Anniversary and they are being crowbarred into this plot for no good reason". Cilla chins him, the nation wants to chin the producer and writers.

After a quiet few weeks, Gailzilla Vs Eileenatron is warming up again, they must have switched promoters to Don King from Frank Warren or something. Phil goes around to Gail's house to talk about Evil Richard Hillman, Gail tells of the full horror she encountered: plot too long, Richard's hair, his hilariously unconvincing evil stare, seeing David tied up was actually quite funny, the full works. This makes her feel better, and to reinforce this Phil maithers with her feet for a bit and she nods off to dream beautiful Carp dreams about fat worms and Boilie bait. Gail liked the experience so much that she recommends it to Sarah who is unsure, "The thing is mum, I have deep emotional wounds which strangely enough I don't think can be healed by talking to some foot fetishist with an unhealthy interest in murder and Carp-like women."

Sean manages to convince Phil to have a date with Eileen, so all is not lost for the nations' favourite taxi lady. C'mon Eileen!

Kelly asks Lloyd to come to a concert with her, he can't go as it is darts night, she then finds out it isn't. He is non too keen to tell her the real reason, probably because it is teeth-scrapingly boring.

Leanne and Bradley Walsh are back making the beast with two backs with a vengeance, FatRipley is aware that Leanne is having an affair, but she does not know who with. I'll save you the pain of having to sit through an hour of this drivel by informing you that FatRipley catches them together in the flat and pulls the smuggest face in smugville, which strangely still has her resembling a cave troll, a smug cave troll, but still a cave troll. Bradley jumps up and tries to explain everything in a way that Renee from Allo Allo would be proud of. Bradley leaves, and Janice comes over all "You are going to hell, even I wouldn't shag my bloke's dad." That's because you probably look like him too much Jan.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, other mascot is a lady, possible romance. For. Fuck's. Sake.
BONG! Liz, working in bakery
BONG! erm, that's it.

Going to the Chapel and we're (NOT) going to get married.

2005-09-22T13:07:00.000+02:00

At last it is here, the climax of what seems like the last 18 years of our lives as the longest storyline ever comes to an end in a church, which frankly is the best place for most things to end such as lives, friendships and young catholic boys' innocence.

It is the night before the Wedding of Cataclysmic Fulfilment, and Darth has said that Shelley must not see Dr Finchy anymore, Shelley being weak willed (or is she?!) as usual caves in. When Dr Finchy comes around she tells him "I'm cured now and everything, peep, jibber, so I don't need to see you anymore, here come the lobsters, RUN!". Not wholly convinced Finchy asks, "Is this you that's decided this Shelley?", Shelley "Oh yes, me and only me, gottle of geer, gottle of geer". Darth looks upon his works and is joyful, so joyful that he goes off on his stag do, picks up a blond woman and no doubt wees on her.

Shelley is alone the night before her wedding, Violet pops upstairs and tells her to pop downstairs, she enters the living room to hear "Suprise!" from all her friends. Good plan guys, this woman has been terrified of her own shadow for 6 months so you decide to frighten the shits out of her. Anyway during said impromptu hen night Violet tells Shelley of that fateful night when she foolishly removed the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus invited the Dark Side unto her bosom. Shelley: Not impressed. Violet: Purged

It is the morning of the wedding and Darth has not returned from his Night of Blond Urinary Adventure. Jason is worried, but not as worried as I am about the fact that he appears to be sporting a tie made from genuine Mr Blobby hide.

Shelley is all alone on the morning of her wedding, but Dr Finchy turns up with a wedding card which surely pushes the bounds of professional ethics into the outer regions of the galaxy. He tells her that she must complete her training and that powerful the dark side is, and to rush to face Darth would be a mistake. Shelley just jabbers on about walking down the aisle in front of all those people (looking like something from the DFS sale if the dress is anything to go by).

Outside the church Shelley hesitates in the car, Fred tells her that as long as it's what she wants then he'll be with her every step of the way, Shelley psychs herself up "I can do this I can, llllllllllet's get ready toooooo rrrrrrrrrrummmble". On reaching th'altar, she thanks Darth for coming (really) and the ceremony kicks off. It is all going swimmingly until the Vicar asks if Shelley will honour, obey, and take wee wee? "Nay, Nay and thrice Nay" she says. The crowd gasp, Darth's face crumples into the expressive embodiment of pure evil and rage, the nation organise an open top bus celebration down Deansgate because it is finally over.

Or is it?! Darth chases Shelley out of the church, chucks her in the Bonnie & Clydemobile and drives off to the back of abandoned warehouse, how very Sweeney. He gets in the back of the car and for a horrible minute I thought we were going to see a pre-watershed re-enactment of the scene from Once Upon a Time In America with Robert De Niro and Elizabeth McGovern in the back of a very similar car. Thankfully he just wants to try and cow her again and the conversation loosely goes:

Darth: "But you control me I paid for everything remember?"
Shell: "But you weed on me all the time and i was alone on my wedding morning and people have started calling me Mrs Pissy Smell. But now I have the power"
Darth: "No you haven't, you'll come crawling back to me and my gross misogyny"
Shell: "Not this time Darth, you struck me down but I have become more powerful than you can ever imagine. You're just like Peter, except you can act a bit."

Flush with her triumph and confidence, Shelley gets out of the car struts down the street, opening scenes of Saturday Night Fever style, to a phone box. She phones Dr Finchy, he then says congratulations to her, she says that she didn't get married, he is chuffed, she wants to continue the sessions, he is double chuffed.

Darth retires to the ale house with Jason (still wearing Blobby), he lays down his theory of where it all went wrong. "It was Dr Finchy's fault, and I hired him and now look what's happened!". Frankly Darth, serves you right for being so stupid as to hire a pychologist who can throw a shoe over a pub, you were always onto a loser with that one. Darth then tells a short story about how his dad was treated badly by a female of the species and always to ld him to keep women at arms length. If that was the writers' attempt to expalin Darth's character then it was ridiculous, tagged on and frankly pathetic.

Jason leaves looking confused as usual. Darth sees his blond conquest from the night before, she offers to be his potty for the evening, he calls her a slut. Charming to the last. Shelley returns to the pub, Bev tells the pub ambiguously "She's Back!" see what she did there? They cheer, they clap, they cry. Cake us cut, case is closed. Thank fuck for that. NEXT!

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Keith decide to look at Alfeh's old stuff in the garage, they find a camera that has film in it and decide to develop it. mmmmmm. When developed it is of the Grocers DebaucheryFest in Blackpool or something, Audrey was never allowed to go as it was a boys' thing, like power tools and masturbating. They find a photo of him and Rita together, ruh-roh!! Much falling out occurs but then they work out that it was a double exposure and in fact it was photo of Rita in her living room overlapped with one of Alfeh and he must have taken a photo of Rita without winding it on. Rita then mounts the tallest high horse in the kingdon and rides it to the highest moral high ground in all the land and says "Audrey, I can understand how you might think it of me as I was a singer and slag in my younger days, but to think that of Alf well you have shat all over his memory". Audrey: ashamed. It does beg the question, what was he doing taking photos of Rita in her living though doesn't it? But the scriptwriters have decided to wind it up there thankfully.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, mascot race. Kill. Me. Now
BONG! The Canine Triangle continues
BONG! Chesney sees Sally in the bud, Les tells everyone
BONG! Norris, no job, junior partnership in Kabin

Update Wait!

2005-09-20T14:57:00.000+02:00

I will update this week after all the wedding shenanegins are over, so as to not split it over two updates.....

Indecent Proposal

2005-09-14T14:11:00.000+02:00

Gail is shocked and horrified at the request Phil made re the interview, and is walking around the street being guarded by David in case the Scottish fiend shows his face again, Sarah is also unhappy. By the way, it has been about 98 days since anyone last saw Bethany on screen. Phil comes round to apologise and consesses to Gail that he wasn't just after an interview, he also facied a bit of the other as well. Gail gloops her mouth ecstatically and considers her latest proposition whilst eating Boilie and trying to avoid detection by tectonic sonar lake scanners.

She decides to go for it as she would like to help other people in her situation and it might help the kids, plus she hasn't had anything near her naughty place since Richard Hillman, and sex with him probably involved something along the lines of that sword strap-on thing from Se7en.

She brings the kids into the living room, Sarah says something about "I used to lie crying in the night til night goes into morning just another day, happy people pass my way". David however is not in the mood to half quote Manilow lyrics and simply states "I blame you, you and only you, you, you're the one I'm blaming, you. Got That?!" Gails eyes widen and her mouth gloops frantically. She then decides she must speak to Phil and so must the kids, to "help them". Good plan, going to a doctor or family counselling is obviously a stupid idea when you have a foot maitherer doing a part time Criminology degree to sort out your issues.

Shelley's journey down her road to Sanity Damascus continues with relations with her mother getting better, and her venturing into the bar a couple of times. Darth is very unhappy about it and is now constantly surrounded by so dark an aura he looks like a Ready Brek advert in negative. Bev's stuck on smile is removed when she goes to see Charlie and offers him some filthy lucre to leave, he says "no ta". He is pulling out all the the Jedi headfuck stops to prevent Wrinkly Bosom Bev from coming to the wedding, eventually suggesting that the wedding be postponed, then informing Shell of the attempted bribe, then saying that she can come anyway. So powerful is this headmangle that I put on my dressing gown and go and sit in my bedroom for three days. He really is that good...

Frankie and Bradley Walsh return from Spayn, blissfully unaware that Liz Taylorette has been running round the street and factory and their home in a drunken stupor, shouting about how Bradley is a bastard, Frankie as slayg and that Michael Jackson is a beautiful human being. Jamie thinks he has done a good job of covering it up until FatRipley lets it slip in the pub, "Ey you're ex is a rum one isn't she, she told me all about your past Bradley, all the juicy stuff: Appaling comedian, Wheel of Fortune all of it." Bradley: Not happy.

Leanne is pining for some Bradley love after having to shag Wurzel Gummidge for a whole week. However , the week in Catholic Spayn has obviously made him come over all monogamous and he says, "You must top your whoring ways my child, as I have done,". Leanne says "Am I bovvered? Look at my face?". Leanne: Crestfallen. Bradley: trying his best.

Tracy and Steve finally have their day in court. It's not pretty, to give you the abridged testimonies,

Tracy: pretended local weirdo was dad, sold baby, took baby back, drove Karen mental, took money off Steve then denied he was father

Steve: Found out was dad, chose to ignore it, then paid some money, then ignored it again, then pretended to love tracy, broke her heart into a thousand pieces.

The Judge is damning in his criticism of the two of them and of how long they have managed to drag out this storyline for, and in the end rules Steve can have access. The Nation cries salt tears of joy and this conclusion, simply because it is the conclusion and no other reason.

Lister has decided that the way to sort out Streetcars is to let the drivers pick their own call sign. Steve very sensibly asks what the commercial benefit is of this, the nation asks what is the point of this ridiculous character and storyline. I can't remember what they picked to be honest so I'll just make them up. Les was "Shit Actor", Clurr was "Appaling Character" and Lister was "Scouse Twat" or something. Steve refrained and engaged is a montage of Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me? faces instead.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a new bloke, who appears to be the genetic hybrid spawn of Jocky Wilson and Big Cliff Lazarenko.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Kirk, Fiz, New girl at kennels, triangle.
BONG! Les, Cilla, getting married, much hilarity and Status Quo apparently
BONG! Audrey, Keith, dates etc NEXT!
BONG! Keith, Craig, pig in back yard (oh my sides!)

Doctor Doctor, Can't you see I'm poncho wearing

2005-09-06T10:12:00.000+02:00

Clurr haas become all community spirited and decided to clean up the Red Rec garden so that the local children can drink alcopops, spew up, give each other love-bites and get each other pregnant in prettier surroundings. She gets herself some willing volunteers, well Ashley and crippled Emily anyway, and gets to work. Janice (who now looks like a fat Ripley in Alien 3) and the oh-so-hilarious "identical"twins turn up to get a look at the hunky gardener, who unfortunately for them prefers gardening of the uphill type. Clurr berates FatRipley for not being community spirited enough, FatRipley mocks her for being a boring ginge who is only after an MBE or something, a Mud Fight of Ferocious Pointlessness ensues until in the end Emily pipes up. "What are you doing?" She demands to know "Stop! This is meant to be a decent soap opera with relevant and also amusing storylines, not some bastardised cross between Laurel & Hardy and Tizwaz!!". They all look suitably ashamed, as they should.

Dr Finchy is continuing the highly improbable treatment plan for Shelley, this time he has devised a plan of taking Darth's sandwiches to him at work across the road. Shelley gets through it, even managing to be strong in the face of the Wrinkled Bosom of Bev on the street. She arrives in the garage all pleased with herself and praises Dr Finchy for helping her, this angers Darth and the dark cloud moves over him once more and he says "Well, pity it's brown bread you stupid, fat rabbit, ridiculous poncho wearing bitch". Shelley: crushed. Dr Finchy: Starting to figure it out. Darth: time nearly up.

Shelley reselves to go to the shop, face Sunita, and for the love of God BUY THE RIGHT BREAD! Dr Finchy doesn't think it's a good idea, Darth used the mind trick to convince her to go, he then goes into the back room to watch videos of baby seals being clubbed to death with other baby seals. Little does he know that he has probably sealed his own doom by sending her out to her best friend and thus given her the chance to sort herself out, how very dialectical eh? Anyway, Shelley finds out that Sunita is pregnant and they embrace. Shelley and Sunita: Happy. Storyline: Very nearly over. The nation: Hooray!

There is trouble at Webster Manor, due to Sally's previous perfomances and her lack of planning Serphie has ended up not getting into Weatherfield High. Sally pleads with the Head to let her in, he takes great delight in giving her a speech: Prvate education BAD! State education GOOD! being the crux of it. There is some brilliant stuff whilst she tries to school Serphie at home, Rersie being totally unhelpful and Kevin just demanding his tea and pulling that irate/confused face all the time.

GailZilla vs Eileenatron. Phil has found out that Eileen lied about him staying over and is not happy, he agrees to go out with the Carpular faced one for dinner. Gail is all smugness when she marches into the cab office to get a taxi to "the pizza place in the arcade". Phil scolds Eileen for lying, Steve joins in as well, which was very funny. At the meal Phil mentions that he has a big question to ask Gail, her eyes bulge and she gloops for air at the excitememnt of it all, he says he'll need a few drinks first though. Gail: shag-hopeful. Phil: nervous.

The qustion finally comes, turns out he is doing a dissertaion on victims of crime and wants to talk to Gail about her relationship with Evil Richard Hillman. Gail says nothing and stares at him with those dead fish eyes, stands up and walks away with all the dignity she can muster (not much). Phil shouts "what you didnt' think I actually fancied you did you?". Well he didn't but that is what he was thinking I'm sure.

There have been some amazing Blanche-isms this week, none better than my personal favourite with regard to Norris, "Is he here? Or is he with the rest of his kind in Knotty Ash?". Classic, hard to imagine Eastenders coming up with such a cryptic insult...

In other news abbreviated:

BONG! Nathan, two timing Tracey, sleeping at websters.
BONG! Kennels, new manager, used to be Olly in Emmerdale.
BONG! Sean, gardener, beast with two backs (homo version).
BONG! Jamie, mum turned up. Yawn.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron

2005-08-23T11:20:00.000+02:00

It looks like the the writers have been given their brains back as the summer draws to a close as things have picked up a bit in the last week, and heavens be praised, it looks like the Darth Builder/Shelley storyline is entering endgame.

So to Darth Towers first we go. Fed up with Shelley's aversion to the beast with two backs, Darth gets himself a woman and takes her in the backroom to canoodle, Shelley figures out what is going on due to the noises coming from the room: "ooh" "aaah" and Darth saying "Can I wee on you please?". Shelley rumbles him, but due to the seemingly endless months of Jedi Darkside head-fuck that she has been submitted to cannot bring herself to have a proper word with Darth. Shelley: Sad. Darth: Put your clothes on love, you're taxi's here.

Next day Darth has once again convinced Shelley it is her fault that he had to find another woman to go wee-wee on and she he's offski. Shelley watches him go, tries to follow him, gets frightened again etc etc. Darth comes back eventually on the proviso that she goes to see the doctor, and no doubt accepts the wee wee as well. The doctor basically says, "Well love there's nothing I can do because you are basically a total basket case, and no amount of Amoxicillin can sort that out. So I recommend you get your head felt".

Darth books a session with a shrink, who turns out to be Finchy from the Office. Dr Finchy insists that he be left alone with his patient, no doubt so he can get her to bend over so he can say "While yer down there love". Darth is not happy about this arrangement, as his Dark powers cannot work through walls, but he must agree as Dr Finchy can throw a shoe over a pub.
The counselling goes well, and Violet later lets slip that Dr Finchy is coming back to help shelly go outside. On hearing this a dark cloud forms over Darth's head and her retreats into his private room to watch videos of road accidents and torture. Darth: Not Happy. Shelley: On the road back. This storyline: Nearly over. The Nation: cries salt tears of joy

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron II: The Battle of the Reflexologist, has commenced. This looks like this is going to be brilliant and I'm sure we all agree that the wonderful Eileen must beat Carpface in this one. Phil, the said reflexologist, has started in the Health Centre and he is played by that tall Scottish bloke that always prompts people to say "oooooo, what's he been in 'im?".

Anyway, Gail spots him first and fancies a bit of his sauce, Eileen than spots him in the street and fancies a bit of his sauce. This is the Corrie equivalent of the shooting of Franz Ferdinand in laying the foundations for an all consuming, devastating war! Gail tells Eileen that there are no appointments to see Phil, but then Eileen organises a home visit with him, timed immediatly after his home visit to Gail. Gail offers Phil dinner after her treatment, he says "Sorry love I don't eat worms, plankton or groundbait, and anyway I have to go". She then watches him cross the road to Eileen's, who shoots a fabulous "have that you bitch" look across the street. Gail: Angry. The Nation: Go Eileen! Go Eileen! Phil says "you have spaectacular feet", Eileen "thanks, you should see my fanny".

Next Day confusion is caused by Phil's car being outside in the morning (waiting for an early MOT) at Webster's Grease Monkeys Inc. Sean and Eileen wind up poor feeble minded Jason into thinking that Phil stayed the night. Word gets to Gail, who is all"Whatever, never liked him anyway he's well sad, am I bovvered?". This pretence soon falls when she sees them together in the pub and all hell breaks loose following a trading of insults. Eillen tells Gail that her husband wanted to kill her to get away from her and Gail reminds Eileen that her kids haven't seen their dads. It was a draw that one I think, but thankfully there is much, mcuh more to come.

Jack and Vera are separated, they pridictably but rather sweetly get back together at Southport on their anniversary.

Candice has found out that Adam is going to be rich and so no longer sees him as a lad with a shit haircut, she sees him as a giant pound sign with a shit haircut. Classy work girl.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Keith, Audrey, date. NEXT!
BONG! Emily, niece, gone home. Is there a point to this by the way?
BONG! Sean, Tim, love-rat/not love-rat?
BONG! Rita, dead, mistake, Norris unhappy.

That's all folks

Delay...

2005-08-19T14:47:00.000+02:00

Sorry for the delay with updating the site, I'm a bit snowed under this week so I''ll do a big update next Tuesday.

Frank

When you're in love with a wrinkly bosom, it's hard.

2005-08-09T12:08:00.000+02:00

Barlow vs McDonald is rumbling away like a fat man's belly after a particularly large Masala (with Keema nan). Steve lures Tracy into the pub and further lures her into losing her rag and snotting him one in the pub, he's obviously been taking mind trick lessons from Darth Builder. Steve is all "Ha-ha! Now they know what you are really like". Tracy: appointment with the rozzers. Steve: Smug

On her realease from chokey, Tracy suprises everyone by being calm and talking about how much Steve hurt her etc. The scriptwriters have thankfully pulled her back from the brink of Alexis Colby levels of psycho-bithchyness just before she marries a former hitman and has Amee's wedding hijacked by Russian separatist terrorists (anyone who spots that reference is sadder than I am). Anyway she is all reasonable with Steve, whose feeble brain cannot understand what is happening, but on the upside he pulls a new expression that I haven't seen before to compete with the now world famous "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face.

Liz has a date with Bob and his posh friends in the clock. In an incredible blinding flash of self awareness she has realised that she dresses like a contestant on Strictly Porn Dancing and decides to buy some new clobber, in the guise of business suit. Bob comes to pick her up in the Rovers and says "Why you dressed like that for?"
"to be all classy n that",
"But I've told all my mates that you're a dirty bitch, they won't believe me now!"
"Alright I'll get changed then!"
Beautiful.

Fred has reached the end of his tether with Shelley, I say the end of his tether!! He speaks to Bev about it who turns on the charm to convince him otherwise and they go the Clock for a meal to discuss. Bev pulls out all the stops by diplaying an acre of wrinkled bosom for Fred's delectation, but it just serves to remind him why he wants her behind the bar. However he says he will think about it. The next day he tells her that she can stay as he doesn't want to be the one that drives her to being sectioned or something, however I think the real reason is that he wants to bury his giant jowly head in Bev's leathery chest and so he's keeping her sweet.

At the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion Shelley's bruises are clearing up and she talks about how she wants to get back the behind the bar, especially now Sean is mincing about polishing knobs and plotting her downfall. Darth says "There is no way Northerners will stand for a bender being in charge of their pub", Shelly counters with "I dunno they love the gays these days don't they". Darth spots his chance and tells her that Sean probably will take over if she doesn't get her fat rabbit arse downstairs. Is it me who is getting a spot of Deja Vu with these conversations? Wind it up now please, NEXT!

They unbeliveably spend about 40 minutes of the hour-long monday episode with Leanne and Bradley Walsh arranging to meet in an hotel, and then Frankie following Leanne, and then a fire alarm being set off and Leanne getting out of it...you still awake? Neither was I, NEXT!

Some great stuff with Jack and Vera and advice Vera has read in a magazine saying that women should shout at their husbands as it makes the women live longer. Jack foils her plan by winding her up even more and ignoring her. I know it is pointless plot but it is fun and they work so well together jack & vera.

Adam McBarlow has made the beast with two backs with Kelly and she is now wrapping him round her little finger. Mike offers some advice along the lines of "Don't shit where you eat" and then struggles to remember what day it is.

Keith is doing Gail's garden and the family reckon he fancies her and so try and engineer a cozy dinner together for them. It all very obvious, Sarah at one point comes in and says "What you two doing? Are you doing the garden? Do you want to put your tool in her bush?" or something like that. By the way has anyone seen Bethany in the last 6 months? Gail tells them that nothing is going on or will go on, but even Audrey is all "You love him you do, he wants to turf your ginnel." Anyway, long story short they end up alone and Gail informs him that nothing will happen in the bedroom department, Keith says "What? No, it's your mum I fancy, not you. Ho ho, you thought I fancied you!? Christ I may have been without for a while but I'm not that desperate, Carp face."

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Maria and Fiz, kennels, row, bollocks
BONG! Emily, long lost niece, Norris suspicious, amusing
BONG! Lister, streetcars, double bollocks

dun, dun, dun dun; dun, dun, dun; dun, dun, duuuuuuun! Risin' Up back on the Street etc..

2005-08-03T16:04:00.000+02:00

First of all apologies as I did not see much Corrie last week, see even though I enjoy writing this I do have other things in my life like my wife, kids and work believe it or not, so some of this is cribbed from the website updates and my lovely friends on GU Talk..

It's fight night in the Street with our Ashley taking on Mad Dog in a fight for the Shittest Plot Championship of the World. It all ends up in a riot and Clurr somehow comes out of her lobotomised stupor and asserts herself a bit with Mad Dog's girlfriend. The fight was a draw if anyone cares. I actually think that the Scriptwriters have missed the perfect opportunity here to reconstruct the the final scene from Rocky, only with Ashley shouting "Cluuuuuuuur!" at the top of his pre-pubescent comedy voice, instead we get this shite served up to us. NEXT!

It is Scooter's big day as Carpgate gets an airing in court. Martin is a bit bemused by the whole thing, he should count himself lucky as I spent most of this episode trying to ram a rusted rasp into my jugular to make it stop. Gail takes the stand as a character witness, of course if she was telling the truth she would say "To be honest m'lud, I'd never seen him until my daughter randomly brought him home one day and then he moved in 45 minutes later, for all I know he could be a goat rapist". Of course she doesn't say that and talks about how he is lovely and the like, the prosecutor then says:

"Isn't it true Ms Hillman, if indeed that is your real name, that the only reason you are here defending this man is that the Carp he rescued are actually part of your own species?"
"no"
"Do you expect the jury to believe that your face is entirely human?"
"well yes I do"
"I've no further questions for Barbel features here m'lud"

I think he got off at the end but I was beginning to feel woozy due to the blood loss by this time.

Danny's dad is dead, and his mum Viv has turned up, I think she used to be in Eldorado as she looks very familiar. Anyway she's not impressed with Coronation Street and it's cobbles and northern people as she is considerably richer than that. She later tells Mike that he is in fact Danny's dad, Penny echoes all our thoughts when she says "not another one!". He really has got lucky that bloke, especially considering he looks like a terrapin. He is outraged etc etc, she says "Well I gave birth about nine months after we made the beast with two backs didn't I? Didn't you work it out? hello! McFly!" Mike: tired and emotional (and forgetful). Viv: "Oh look, they wear the same clothes as we do up here, how novel!"

Barlow vs McDonald continues like a runaway milk lorry, a very boring runaway milk lorry. Tracy bullies the Crappers into not allowing Steve to even look at Amy or else she'll withdraw crypto adopto sub-parenting rights. They have no choice but to give in as Hayley's bespoke uterus is made from laminated papier mache and therefore can only hold water and redundant sperm, not a lickle baby of their very own.

Incredibly, considering the vast body of evidence they had (not), the police case against Steve regarding kidnapping crumbled like a house of cards, on shifting sand, that had nver been built in the first place. I think the CPS probably said something like "let him go and don't bother us with this crap again Mr Plod".

They finally end up in court on Monday over paternity or something, Deirdre and Liz go to court showing a united front as grandparents and as joint High Priestesses of the Pantheon of Sartorial Disaster. Deirdre is once again wearing a belt around her beergut to draw more attention to it, and Liz sports a conservative court ensemble of sequined halter neck top and skirt split so far up the left thigh that I'm sure I got a glimpse of next week's washing. Anyway, at the end the judge arbitrarily says "right I believe Steve is the father so that's that out of the way". Steve: smirks Tracy: face like thunder. The nation: is this the end of it then?

Sadly no, on the return to the street Liz suggests Steve talk to Tracy to try and sort it outside of court. Steve goes over and Tracy takes a dive that an Italian footballer would be proud of and calls her mum saying that Steve threatened her, Deirdre has obviously switched her brain to "inadequate" mode as she believes Tracy and talks about solicitors and things. Steve's short-lived smile crumples into the all too familiar "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face, he goes back over to Liz and says "Well done genius". Tracey goes back to court and tells the judge who grants an temporary injunction. I know they have to speed up the the plot a bit so a little artistic license is fair enough, but I'm pretty sure you can't just pop into court and get an injunction, don't you at leat have to fill in a form or something? Tracy smiles whilst a nation cries salt tears of despair.

Meanwhile at the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion, Fred has had enough of Shelley and is going to give her til Friday to shape herself or get out, bag and baggage! He speaks to Bev about it she is all "Well maybe you should, but then again no maybe you shouldn't". Fred: voluble. Bev: desperate. The Nation: so bored we could shit concrete.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Lister buying Streetcars, yawn.
BONG! Sean, Irish vet, not yet in pants.
BONG! Sean, kelly, job in Rovers, rivals, double yawn

Sorry about the title, but I just had to get Eye of the Tiger in...

For I Shall take you home Ciaran, to where your heart will feel no pain.

2005-07-26T10:03:00.000+02:00

The continuing saga, er, continues with Bar Wars Episode XXXXVXMMII: Darth Strikes Back.

Bev has licked Darth's spit off her face and the revulsion she feels leads her to call the police to say that Darth is bad, evil, reptilian and he smells of poo and wee. The police send round a (rather attractive) female copper, who quizzes Darth in the middle of the pub, which is obviously standard procedure in all police investigations. The copper has no idea of the dark forces she is dealing with and Darth easily mind tricks her, "I'm not the builder you are looking for, Bevi Want A-Shaggy is the criminal, I can go about my business". "You can go about your business" repeats the feeble minded rozzer. Bev gets a full size bollocking off the fuzz for wasting their time. Dark Side 1 Decent People 0.

Ciaran has had enough of Darth and attacks him in the pub, Darth acts all feeble and passive aggressive for he has realised the force is strong with Ciaran and so he must be destroyed. Shelley sees what is going down and of course goes mad with Ciaran. "Leave him alone, he's a lover not a fighter" she shouts, the pub gasp once more. Ciaran releases him but has a warning for Shelley, "Look at what he's done to you, you stupid woman, one day he'll really hurt you and by then you'll look like a chubby Joan Rivers, and then what will you do?". Ciaran decides that he must leave and amazingly packs all of his earthly possessions into a small rucksack. Before leaving he nips round to see Bev, explaining that he's off as the world is his oyster, "think about all the places I could go" he says, "like Chorlton, Rochdale, Leigh, Stalybridge and Wythenshawe." He talks of all the women he could love in a very real and dirty way whilst on the road, Bev seizes her opportunity for abject humiliation and moves in thrusting her wrinkled bosom at poor Ciaran in his moment of weakness and saying "Let's Go to Bed" (maybe she saw the results of this site's poll and had the video camera set up ready). Ciaran says something along the lines of "you must be fucking joking" and leaves. Ciaran: shudders. Bev: Gagging for it

Meanwhile, guess who's got the blame for the Ciaran incident? That's right, Dame Shelley of Feeble Brain. Darth goes out for the day, probably to spit in children's faces or point and laugh at road accidents or something, leaving Shelley alone with only the voices in her head for company. Shelley: scarred and depressed. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Barlow vs McDonald continues unabated. Steve tells Tracy not to go to court at she will be mincemeat with her tissue of lies (how's that for a mixed metaphor), Tracy is having none and goes to see her solicitor. She still will not have it even when he says "You've got about as much chance of nailing diahorrea to a wall love" or something like that. This makes her even more determined to let battle commence. Deirdre tries the softly, softly catchy Tracy approach (she is now friends again with Liz after something about World War 1 in a restaurant or something).

Tracy relents and lets Steve take Amy out, he is going to the zoo but she says that she would rather go to the airport and watch planes, Steve has obviously left his brain in a pickle jar on his hearth at home for failing to spot this obvious ploy. It couldn't be more blatant if she'd said, "I've packed the baby's stuff and written 'I am a kidnapper' on your back OK?". Anyway Steve falls for it and heads to the airport where lo and behold the rozzers turn up and arrest him for trying to kidnap Amy. You can fill in the gaps by using these words: Tracy, pretend shock, stalking, kidnap, not Amy's real dad. Steve pulls a mind boggling series of "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces and tells the coppers that he didn't do it etc. The coppers open up the bag and find passports etc. Steve: Oh shit. Coppers: irrefutable evidence, you're nicked sunbeam, off to the pub for questioning! The nation: hang on he hasn't got any tickets, or boarding passes, or his own passport!

Penny and Mike return from Spain after about 6 months it seems, and his alzheimer's plot is kicking in as he is forgetting a lot of stuff. To be fair this is a good and realistic storyline, for a character as sharp as Mike it is a good story, and it's not often this stuff is done in soaps. Well done writers. In other Baldwin-related news, Danny's dad has died, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care.

Kirk and Maria's parents are moving to a donkey sanctuary in Cyprus (no really) and have given the kennels to the kids. Maria wants to sell, Kirk doesn't as he loves the dogs and has far too small a brain to work anywhere else. Maria ends up being disinherited by her parents and Fiz is all smug, at least until she has to start shovelling dog turds around then she's not so chuffed. NEXT!

Non-Comedy Sub-Plot Corner

Cilla crashes Blanche's wheelchair into the canal (oh my sides!) in quite the most unconvincing crash ever committed to film.

Sean runs after a dog for some reason (oh, there goes another rib!) involving a vet that he'd quite like to get it on with.

In other news (abbreviated)

BONG! Boxing match, Nathan punched by Ashley, still shit
BONG! Dev, selling street cars, who cares?
BONG! Twins, fancy nathan, new realms of shitty plot as yet untouched by western civilisation

Face/Off

2005-07-19T16:39:00.000+02:00

Off to Darth Towers once more for the continuing adventures of Darth Builder and the Cryto Coercion Brainwash Jamboree...

Shelley goes to the Clinic of Facial Transformisation for her consultation. She comes back happy, "She seemed to understand my need to horribly disfigure myself in order to stop my pantomime villain boyfriend from snitching off" she says. Darth looks upon his works and is pleased. Darth is also now happy to have made a submissive of Violet, who is staying away from work and has vowed to wear the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia for all eternity to protect her. Darth walks into the garage and finds Jason and Violet in an embrace, he talks of their love and then extends a tentacle to rub Violet's arm. Violet: repulsed. Darth: "I'll get you my pretty". Jason: blissfully unaware.

Violet's strange behaviour later leads Jason to assume that she is pregnant and he makes a lovely speech about "not being like his dad and looking after the bairn and everything". Violet cries due to the crushing guilt and shame causing her untold pain.

Bev decides to become Miss Marple for a week and starts rifling through Darth's office drawers, grabs a handful of papers and runs! Bearing in mind this is a builder's yard she probably got a 2 year old copy of Razzle, a 1986 Pirelli Calendar and several back issues of the Daily Star. Realising the futility of her plan she instead decides to phone all his customers instead to explain to them that he is a Crypto Racist, a bully and he smells of pooh and wee. Not satisfied with this she employs a glamourous assistant (Ciaran) and meets Shelley as she comes back from having her face transformified. "You look like a Panda in negative!" cries Bev, "It wasn't Darth!" cries Shelley, "Gasp", erm, gasp the pub. Cue all hell breaking loose and Bev once again being hoyed out the pub. Do they not have Pubwatch in Weatherfield? She could be banned now from every pub in the locality if they did.

Darth once again makes all this out to be Shelley's fault and decides but then comes back. He says "I nearly went, but I sat in the van and ~~jacked off thinking of my power over you~~ realised that your mum would win if I left, so I'm staying, on the condition that you accept Golden Showers as part of our sex life". "Oh anything Darth, just don't leave me", the acquiescence of a broken woman is complete. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Shelley: What's a golden shower? He later pays a visit to Bev, she wants him to hit her, either because a) she is kinky or b) she wants to get him locked up. He realises her game, tells her that Shelley is now a subordinate of the dark side and that it is all Bev's fault. He then licks her face with a reptilian tongue and leaves. Bev: Crying. Darth: Satisfied. The nation: deeply uncomfortable.

Elsewhere, Sean is getting hemself a boyfriend in the shape of a Irish Vet called Tim. Insert your own joke about putting hands up arses here........

Scooter has destroyed Gail's fence whilst rescuing the carp (now there's a line I thought I'd never be writing in my life), she somehow ends up on his side. I end up snoring. NEXT!

Warren is realeased from Weatherfield Town or whatever the club is called, Candice promptly dumps him for "ruining her life and holding her back", Warren gets a proper mard lip at this point and I almost begin to feel sorry for him, until I remember every scene he has ever been in and the anger kills the pity. However Warren has the last laugh when he is invited to play in Spain by Brookside Incest Fashion Woman, no doubt he hasn't realised that she has other versions of "playing away" in mind for him. At this point we are not sure if it involves pretending to be her brother. Candice tries to win him back, but to no avail, he is off to sleep with a woman with at least 20 less teeth in her gob.

Blanche is not happy being waited on by Deirdre, and is struggling with her Bionic Hip, Deirdre tries to help by getting her a motorised wheelchair, Blanche: not happy and even more nasty than usual.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Roy, contraption, sold, not funny, shit
BONG! Ashley, lad from garage, boxing coach, more shit
BONG! Tracy, Steve, Solicitors etc.

Ultra-Violet

2005-07-13T10:39:00.000+02:00

Firstly we go to Darth Towers, where Shelley has decided that the only way to keep Darth Builder is to get cosmetic surgery to make her look like Violet. I assume that she is going to get a prosthetic neckerchief grafted on to her neck and then a strange lispy tooth gauge inserted, or maybe not, or maybe I don't care. Anyway, Darth Builder is not happy about it and tells her, " I love you just the way you are, you fat, pathetic, ga-ga bitch", and then tries to nuzzle her bosom in an arousing manner. Shelley recoils, Darth storms off still carrying a full load of potato juice, Shelley shouts after him, "I'll let you!" (eeeeeewww!), but it's too late, he is gone. Darth: Evil and gagging for it. Shelley: Entering as yet undiscovered realms of lunacy.

Darth then turns his attention to his Young Apprentice Violet, who for the first time in 8 months has removed her Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia thus leaving herself criminally unprotected from power of the dark side. Darth sees this error and makes his move, getting her drunk and moving in for the big snog, Violet responds but then for some rseason he says "hang on a minute" and goes out the back, maybe he's gone to get some johnnies, or Nutella, or a gimp mask. Violet seizes her opportunity and legs it, not wanting to risk a possible heady cocktail of chocolate spread and demeaning bondage. Just as she is by the door Darth reappears, she says "I'll never turn to the dark side, and please don't tell Jason", he says "You're just like that stupid slag upstairs". Violet: Penny drops. Darth: Jazz mag time.

The Barlow women are back from Poland, this leads to Ken & Dreary running upstairs excitedly, I would make a joke about what they were probably going to do but some of you may be eating reading this. Tracy returns later in the week, Steve makes demands, she rebuffs etc. Work out what is happening from these words: Court, access, rights, Roy testifying. Tracy then uses Amee as leverage with the Cropsters: "testify and you'll never see my mewling baby again!". Hayley caves in, Roy is not happy but Hayley says something like, "We can't have a baby because the only internal plumbing I've got is a pee-pipe and an inside out willie, so we are being selfish on this one". Tracy rewards them with an entire day to spend with Amee, who by the way is a very ugly child.

Candice enters a model competition seemingly dressed as International Prostitute Disco Dancing Champion (Northern section). Football Boy is not happy but tags along and is soon chatted up by the woman who slept with her brother in Brookside. She has obviously gor bored with incest and gained a penchant for sleeping with untalented midgets with shit hair instead. Needless to say Candice fails the audition, along with some Non-comedy from the twins.

Bob arranges a ride in the country with Liz , he means on bikes, she comes expecting an altogether different ride in heels and mini skirt. It's all a bit "Last of the Summer Wine", only without Thora Hird (may the Lord bless her sweet stair-lifted soul).

In other news:

BONG! The boxing match is still on
BONG! Scooter and Sarah rescued the carp (for fuck's sake)
BONG! Roy builds his Grandad's door thing, attracting attention from the Gazzette
BONG! That's all folks!

Life's A Riot With Butcher vs Butcher!

2005-07-05T14:02:00.000+02:00

Coronation Street has officially entered the inverted blockbuster season. Whilst Holywood is turning out it's biggest films for the summer, the films which will prop the industry up for another unimaginative year, Corrie is turning out it's crappiest storylines. This is in order to mark time until the autumn, when the nights draw in and people get their knitting out, bunker in for the winter and actually pay proper attention to the telly, rather than doing silly things like going out or gardening.

So anyway the parade of shite is thus:

Fred is having a row with another fat butcher who also has a squeakey voiced son (oh my sides!). They decide to finish it by Ashley and Ashley MkII doing combat in the ring, judging by the way they both talk that could mean bumming each other into submission, but it more than likely means boxing. I feel sorry for Fred as they seem to have turned his character into the buffoon he was 10 years ago when he first appeared, the character and the actor deserve better. NEXT!

Roy is still building the energy saving contraption on his door. The rest of the cast cannot get in but are humouring him, where are Cilla and Les when you need them to get someone told? NEXT!

Ken's hopes of a full Wank Week are ruined by people popping round all the time and the builders smashing up his house by accident. In the end he explodes in a fit of rage borne of excess sexual tension. He fumes at Jason "All I want to do is give it to Nikki from Basildon on page 42 of Parade with both barrels, but you have smashed my window!"

The Scooter/Sarah non-story continues. I really don't know what is going on here, but it ends with Scooter finding some Koi Carp in distress at some odd woman's house who seems convinced that Scooter is going to molest her. He'd be more interested in the dog love I reckon. Anyway he then retells the distressed Koi storyline to the Platt's, who seem to listen. For some reason not one of them says "What the fuck are you banging on about, you unconvincing sub-character of little relevance?" Not even David, who for someone who grew up in a suburb of Manchester has the strongest South Yorkshire accent I have ever heard. I think Martin might have been laughing but it's hard to tell with him as has the acting craft of a carrot. NEXT!

Clurr finally gets a job on the Taxis. One of her first jobs is to pick up a couple of school kids and take them home, they try and pull a fast one by saying they only get in the taxi if they have chocolate. The young scamps are soon foiled by Claire, who says "fine, fuck you then I'm going anyway", bluff called, go Clurr! I was really hoping that the kids would then Happy Slap her, sending her stupid remmo glasses flying - a golden opportunity for a topical and frankly amusing storyline missed...

Wiggy has asked Leanne to move in with him, in a proper flat and everything, she says she can't because she's ~~taking it in the naughty place off his dad~~ not ready to move in yet. Wiggy: Sad. Leanne: Rough as.

Shelley is still holed up the Bedroom of Inadequacy within the Castle of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Darth Builder is playing a cunning game of telling everyone he's fed up with her, yet exacerbating her issues with is talk of fat rabbits and the fact that he might run away forever, to Celebrity Crypto Island, where he will have 5 weeks to turn Jodie Marsh into a gibbering orange wreck in a batwing jumper. Violet and Ciaran are about to malfunction because the rota is about to run out (there are only 2 of you, you seem to work every day, how hard can it be?). Anyway Fred decides enough is enough, (I say enough is enough!) and tells Shelley to go and see a doctor. Shelley says "I don't need to see a doctor I'm fine, I was just saying this to the Mermaid that lives in my bedroom, under the trapdoor that leads to hell which must never look in, oh no, never look in there." Fred: Concerned. Darth: Mwahahahahaha! Shelley: Cuckoo.

Darth later uses the Jedi mind trick to send Ciaran home and be alone with Violet. Shelley listens at the top of the stairs as Darth says, "Come with me Violet, we can be one on the road to nowhere". Violet says "You cannot have me Darth, my soul is pure and protected by the sacred neckerchief of Jasonia, which as you know I never, ever, ever take off". Darth: Work in progress mwahahahaha! Violet: perturbed.

Steve is Desperately Seeking Tracy, but he cannot find her as the Barlow's have closed ranks on him. "I'd like to help you but I can't" says Ken "Unless you can lend me you spare room and some kleenex". Steve: "WTFITHTM" Face 277.

Much non-comedy with Norris and his book. These plots are normally very funny in Corrie, but they are usually done much better than this, these characters deserve more than being shoe-horned into a deliberate sub Alan Bennett "comedy" set piece that insults both the actors and the viewers in my opinion. And the less said about the "hilarious" twins and their boyfriend shenanagins the better!

And last of all, where the hell has the Rersie and Sally vegetarian plot gone, that was looking good and would actually be worth watching. Instead we get the shower of cack above! BAH!

Ken Alone....

2005-06-28T13:22:00.000+02:00

As usual the 2 campest characters are providing us with the best stuff this week: Norris and his book, revealing all kinds of secrets about his terrible mother; and Sean and his stuffed cat prank on the lovely but gormless Jason..

Blanche and Deirdre are off to Poland to complete Operation Bionic Hip. At one point Deirdre tries to get Ken to go with them by saying "Well what will you do here on your own?", Ken replies, " I don't know catch up on some solitary pursuits." So that'll be him masturbating in every room of the house then, hope Emily doesn't pop round on the off chance.. "Ken, I've brought you some dinner seeing as you were on your own, GASP!", Ken, "Shit I was right on the vinegar strokes as well then Emily..." (a lovely image for you all there)

Steve's long game with Tracey has come to an abrubt end due to him being unable to keep his gurning in check long enough to con her. Liz is not happy as she will "never get to see Amee again, and I'd bought her first chain mail halter neck as well!". Steve pulls "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face numbers 12, 234, 19 and 43; all in the space of 5 minutes. The Barlows are up in arms about it, seemingly forgetting that in the last 3 years Tracy has nicked her Gran's boyfriend, pretended to sleep with Roy and then blackmailed him, tried to sell their Grandchild, and basically been one of the most vile human beings on Earth. All Steve is trying to do is get some rights, but somehow he is the villain. Go figure?

Gail is not happy with the amount of housework that Sarah and Scooter are doing, we are not happy with a) the amount of time being given to such a shit storyline and b) the amount Gail looks like ET, only without the redeeming feature of being a nice person/alien. NEXT!

Fred is at war with a local butcher who is muscling in on his patch. This just seems to be the Diggory storyline being recycled and is not very funny, I think a few of the writers must be on holiday as the show has definitely gone downhill a bit recently.

It's Jamie "Robin Asquith" Barlow's birthday so a party is laid on, only to be rudely interrupted by his mother. Long story short, she gets pissed and starts shouting, Bradley Walsh shouts back, everybody leaves, Bradley and Leanne go for a bit of how's your father upstairs. Once again the writers have made a cardinal mistake of introducing emotional plots to characters that we care about not one jot. Jamie is rubbish, his hair is rubbish and his acting is rubbish and we would rather watch him walk off set if that is at all possible, please thankyou?

Roy is building some engineering contraption in his cafe. So bad is this that I cannot even be bothered to think of anything funny to write, so I'll just swear instead: Shite!!

Not much from the Crazy house this week, nor from Webster Hall, they better pull soemthing out of these this week otherwise we could get as bad as Eastenders. Which, in my opinion, has perked up a bit recently by the way...

New comment thingy added....

2005-06-28T13:15:00.000+02:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Last night I saw my momma barred from the pub, ooowee Charlie, Charlie, cheat, cheat...

2005-06-22T13:20:00.000+02:00

Can some-one please explain to me the point of Clurr's character anymore? At one point she was a young woman of independent means who fell in love with Ashley and saved him from post Maxime misery. She now appears to have a mental age of about 7, an obsession with all forms of transport and a pair a spaz glasses. Are the scriptwriters about to lead up to a Mencap inspired story? If not then they are seriously overdoing the sub-Alan Bennett comedy leanings....

Anway, more fun at the house of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Charlie has now officially gone over to the Dark Side and will now be known as Darth Builder, and is taking evil to a level not seen since Richard "Unconvincing Stare" Hillman. Bev is being abused on the street by him, such lines as "you are old and I hate you", "you are old and I only shagged you because you were desperate", "you are old and shelley hates you" and "you are old". Unfazed by this very cutting and clever series of insults, Bev goes to the pub with Liz to face him down. Darth tries to bar her, she says "you can't bar me Darth, you have no power, I laugh in your face, spit on your shoes and walk through your rockery!". Darth: not happy. Bev: Smug. Liz: Mutton.

Darth knows how to solve this and heads to the Bedroom of Inadequacy. He tells Shelley to get her arse downstairs as her mother is making him look a fool! Shelley says, "But I can't, I've not ironed by bat top and my bingo wings need exfoliating", He says "Listen you fat bitch, get downstairs or I'm leaving and I'm taking the telly remote with me, you sad case". This spurs her into action. To be fair they both act the pants off this scene, particularly Shelley.

Shell bars her mum, and Darth wants to go out to celebrate. Shell doesn't, as in her own mind she is fat and mad, and Heartbeat is on the telly. Darth uses the Jedi mind trick to get her out of the house wearing a quite frankly vile shiny spider web style poncho. At the meal Shelley is twitchy and is the end storms off when Charlie leaves her on her own. His work is complete, he has her mad, agoraphobic, thinking she's fat, inadequate and worst of all wearing shocking ponchos. By the way this story really has run it's course so it is probably time to wind it up now...

Dev's ranDOM SHOUting has beCOME worse since SuNITA has fallen pregNANT. Christ knows what he'll be like observing the birth. "C'MOn nurSES, CAn't you SEE SHE is in teRIBble pain!". He is trying to make Sunita take it easy because she may harm the precious baby, even though it is only about 4 hours into it's foetal growth, Sunita is like "leave me alone and let me work", he is like "bUT the BAby may BE harMED!!". Boring, NEXT!

New drivers ahoy at the Street Cars, one of which is Lister from Red Dwarf, him and Dev wind each other up a bit, we all wish they would all be run over by a tram.

Blanche needs a new hip an has decided to go to Poland for it, cue some minor comedy shenanegins on the internet and finding Pole Dancers instead of Poles. NEXT!

Steve is playing the long game with Tracy, ie he longs to be away from her and her frankly terrifying gnashers and gums, but he also longs to be on Amee's birth certificate so that when he does a Shergar with Tracy he will have rights. And of course if these rights are not met he can get dressed up as Batman and climb up the Rovers. They go to see Roy to get him to write a letter saying "Didn't shag her, not mine. Love Roy" so that the names can be swapped. He refuses due to being a bit doolally at the moment (the reason for which has passed me by, due to a very good reason: a crushing lack of interest in the funeral storyline). Roy: unbalanced. Steve: "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" Face No 243. Tracy: 4:30 at Newmarket

Sarah, Scooter and Gail have been brought out of the plot cupboard after a long hiatus, not sure why, but it hasn't started too well with some plot involving a rusty nail.

All you wanna do is boss around Sally (boss sally boss)

2005-06-16T16:05:00.000+02:00

More crypto shenanigans in the Rovers, which is becoming alarmingly like the Bates Motel as the weeks progress; loony downstairs with no friends, female figure appearing at the window occasionally, "We don't get many people coming in these days, not since they made Rosamund Street one-way"....

Anyway, Shell gets out of bed and dressed up to go shopping (in Evans' no doubt, the high street shop for fat rabbits), only to look out of the window and see her mother talking to Charlie, thus ending her desire to go shopping and sends her frankly more barmy than before, why is not explained very well. Charlie comes to see her and she says something like, " I forbid you to see that woman again Norman! She is evil, you will not see her again Norman!". Charlie tries for the "more than a cuggle" approach again but it rebbuffed. No borderline rapeage for you tonight pal, sling it!

Bradley Walsh has to go out and tells Janice to inform McBarlow that he is in charge. Spying an opportunity to rub Sally's nose in her faux-poshism, the postbox in a wig tells Sally that Bradley has put her in charge. Sally: happy, Janice: last collection 4:30. Sally sets about straightening out the evidently cockamamie show that is the factory computer. On Bradley's return he tells Sally to get away from the precious things of the office or else she'll be out, OUT I TELL YOU! Sally cries and runs home only to face more Herbivorous resistance from Rersie.

Enough is enough for Sally who goes mental mental, chicken oriental as she rips up and launches a bunch of tulips into everyone's dinner. Kevin is not a happy man because he only got the stalks and everyone knows the Northern man gets the biggest piece of dinner, flora or not.

More wonderful scenes from Blanche and one of her cronies, this time involving line dancing, a sore hip and "Wagon's Roll!" in a wheelchair...she is fabulous. Tracy is more concerned about the house, we are more concerned by which method we woudl most like to see Tracy killed.

Roy's grandad is dead and he might see his dad again. Apparently he wasn't very nice, don;t worry I'm sure he'll beam with pride when he finds out you've grown up into a weirdo married to another bloke.

Charlie says, "never listen to your mummy, you fat cow"

2005-06-14T17:55:00.000+02:00

Shelley is trurning into a cross between Miss Haversham and Bette Davies in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane", but with less bollocks. Ironically, Charlie has actually hit her with a door so she is hiding out as he has convinced her that the public will not believe the TRUTH and it is ALL HER FAULT. Shelley simpers and shakes for a bit, but is successful in repelling all borders from the likes of Jason on a ladder and Fred on mission. Deirdre decides enough is enough (much like we have decided enough is enough of her waspy belt, with added pot belly emphasis) and phones Shelley's mother: cue all hell breaking loose. Long story short Shelley throws her out and says "Why will no-one believe me that my Charlie loves me and doesn't degrade me, break me down bit by bit and turn me into a gibbering jelly afraid of my own shadow?". Note to self Shell: 'because he has love'.

Anyway, this is of course Shelley's fault in Charlie's Psycho World Of Sinister Coercion and so she must pay! He finishes with her, but then gets back with her after making a speech somehow involving calling her a "Big Fat Rabbit", and ends in telling Shelley that she must "show how much she loves him". This involves shagging him when she just wants a cuggle... nice. Charlie: Chuffed. Shelley: Borderline raped. Nation: feels uncomfortable.

All is now well and Shelley decides it is time to greet her adoring public, for some reason this must be done dressed as a bat with bingo wings, however she cannot get to the bottom of the stairs without getting all out of breath. This means she is either a) unfit from lying in bed for a fortnight, or b) having panic attacks, due to being borderline raped and called a big fat rabbit. You make up your minds

The new Baldwin clan are unaware that Bradley Walsh is having it away with Leanne (poor girl, she has a direct choice between a lad with a Vileda supermop for a hairdo or a crinkled game show host with teeth so white it looks like they arelit by a U2 concert rig). Anyway, he says "i want you", she says "alright then", a nation says "I'm putting the kettle on."

Tracy is getting full on with Steve, she wants to move in. Steve spends all week going through his vast repertoire of "why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces.

The Webster household is unhappy, Sally can't get a decent job as Improbable Ian has hacked into her Reed online user account and put "a bit of how's your father" and "slag" in her 'job skills' section, thus making her only employable to middle aged car dealers or Peter Stringfellow. Rersie is a vegetarian, Sally comes over all James Mason in Spring and Port Wine and says she will "eat your pork chop or else you'll sit there until Sisters of Mercy reform, you goth bitch" or something. Rersie gives her a look with her ice blue eyes that says "Just keep pushing lady, and I'll tell Dad that you got one in the naughty place from Sven Goran Eriksson". This is warming up nicely...

Welcome to It's Corrie....

2005-06-14T17:46:00.000+02:00

This will be a weekly update of the comings and goings in Coronation Street as seen by real life northerner Frank, me.

This Blog is inspired by Easties Update , one of the funniest review sites in the World