Barlow vs McDonald is rumbling away like a fat man's belly after a particularly large Masala (with Keema nan). Steve lures Tracy into the pub and further lures her into losing her rag and snotting him one in the pub, he's obviously been taking mind trick lessons from Darth Builder. Steve is all "Ha-ha! Now they know what you are really like". Tracy: appointment with the rozzers. Steve: Smug
On her realease from chokey, Tracy suprises everyone by being calm and talking about how much Steve hurt her etc. The scriptwriters have thankfully pulled her back from the brink of Alexis Colby levels of psycho-bithchyness just before she marries a former hitman and has Amee's wedding hijacked by Russian separatist terrorists (anyone who spots that reference is sadder than I am). Anyway she is all reasonable with Steve, whose feeble brain cannot understand what is happening, but on the upside he pulls a new expression that I haven't seen before to compete with the now world famous "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face.
Liz has a date with Bob and his posh friends in the clock. In an incredible blinding flash of self awareness she has realised that she dresses like a contestant on Strictly Porn Dancing and decides to buy some new clobber, in the guise of business suit. Bob comes to pick her up in the Rovers and says "Why you dressed like that for?"
"to be all classy n that",
"But I've told all my mates that you're a dirty bitch, they won't believe me now!"
"Alright I'll get changed then!"
Beautiful.
Fred has reached the end of his tether with Shelley, I say the end of his tether!! He speaks to Bev about it who turns on the charm to convince him otherwise and they go the Clock for a meal to discuss. Bev pulls out all the stops by diplaying an acre of wrinkled bosom for Fred's delectation, but it just serves to remind him why he wants her behind the bar. However he says he will think about it. The next day he tells her that she can stay as he doesn't want to be the one that drives her to being sectioned or something, however I think the real reason is that he wants to bury his giant jowly head in Bev's leathery chest and so he's keeping her sweet.
At the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion Shelley's bruises are clearing up and she talks about how she wants to get back the behind the bar, especially now Sean is mincing about polishing knobs and plotting her downfall. Darth says "There is no way Northerners will stand for a bender being in charge of their pub", Shelly counters with "I dunno they love the gays these days don't they". Darth spots his chance and tells her that Sean probably will take over if she doesn't get her fat rabbit arse downstairs. Is it me who is getting a spot of Deja Vu with these conversations? Wind it up now please, NEXT!
They unbeliveably spend about 40 minutes of the hour-long monday episode with Leanne and Bradley Walsh arranging to meet in an hotel, and then Frankie following Leanne, and then a fire alarm being set off and Leanne getting out of it...you still awake? Neither was I, NEXT!
Some great stuff with Jack and Vera and advice Vera has read in a magazine saying that women should shout at their husbands as it makes the women live longer. Jack foils her plan by winding her up even more and ignoring her. I know it is pointless plot but it is fun and they work so well together jack & vera.
Adam McBarlow has made the beast with two backs with Kelly and she is now wrapping him round her little finger. Mike offers some advice along the lines of "Don't shit where you eat" and then struggles to remember what day it is.
Keith is doing Gail's garden and the family reckon he fancies her and so try and engineer a cozy dinner together for them. It all very obvious, Sarah at one point comes in and says "What you two doing? Are you doing the garden? Do you want to put your tool in her bush?" or something like that. By the way has anyone seen Bethany in the last 6 months? Gail tells them that nothing is going on or will go on, but even Audrey is all "You love him you do, he wants to turf your ginnel." Anyway, long story short they end up alone and Gail informs him that nothing will happen in the bedroom department, Keith says "What? No, it's your mum I fancy, not you. Ho ho, you thought I fancied you!? Christ I may have been without for a while but I'm not that desperate, Carp face."
In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Maria and Fiz, kennels, row, bollocks
BONG! Emily, long lost niece, Norris suspicious, amusing
BONG! Lister, streetcars, double bollocks
August 09, 2005
August 03, 2005
dun, dun, dun dun; dun, dun, dun; dun, dun, duuuuuuun! Risin' Up back on the Street etc..
First of all apologies as I did not see much Corrie last week, see even though I enjoy writing this I do have other things in my life like my wife, kids and work believe it or not, so some of this is cribbed from the website updates and my lovely friends on GU Talk..
It's fight night in the Street with our Ashley taking on Mad Dog in a fight for the Shittest Plot Championship of the World. It all ends up in a riot and Clurr somehow comes out of her lobotomised stupor and asserts herself a bit with Mad Dog's girlfriend. The fight was a draw if anyone cares. I actually think that the Scriptwriters have missed the perfect opportunity here to reconstruct the the final scene from Rocky, only with Ashley shouting "Cluuuuuuuur!" at the top of his pre-pubescent comedy voice, instead we get this shite served up to us. NEXT!
It is Scooter's big day as Carpgate gets an airing in court. Martin is a bit bemused by the whole thing, he should count himself lucky as I spent most of this episode trying to ram a rusted rasp into my jugular to make it stop. Gail takes the stand as a character witness, of course if she was telling the truth she would say "To be honest m'lud, I'd never seen him until my daughter randomly brought him home one day and then he moved in 45 minutes later, for all I know he could be a goat rapist". Of course she doesn't say that and talks about how he is lovely and the like, the prosecutor then says:
"Isn't it true Ms Hillman, if indeed that is your real name, that the only reason you are here defending this man is that the Carp he rescued are actually part of your own species?"
"no"
"Do you expect the jury to believe that your face is entirely human?"
"well yes I do"
"I've no further questions for Barbel features here m'lud"
I think he got off at the end but I was beginning to feel woozy due to the blood loss by this time.
Danny's dad is dead, and his mum Viv has turned up, I think she used to be in Eldorado as she looks very familiar. Anyway she's not impressed with Coronation Street and it's cobbles and northern people as she is considerably richer than that. She later tells Mike that he is in fact Danny's dad, Penny echoes all our thoughts when she says "not another one!". He really has got lucky that bloke, especially considering he looks like a terrapin. He is outraged etc etc, she says "Well I gave birth about nine months after we made the beast with two backs didn't I? Didn't you work it out? hello! McFly!" Mike: tired and emotional (and forgetful). Viv: "Oh look, they wear the same clothes as we do up here, how novel!"
Barlow vs McDonald continues like a runaway milk lorry, a very boring runaway milk lorry. Tracy bullies the Crappers into not allowing Steve to even look at Amy or else she'll withdraw crypto adopto sub-parenting rights. They have no choice but to give in as Hayley's bespoke uterus is made from laminated papier mache and therefore can only hold water and redundant sperm, not a lickle baby of their very own.
Incredibly, considering the vast body of evidence they had (not), the police case against Steve regarding kidnapping crumbled like a house of cards, on shifting sand, that had nver been built in the first place. I think the CPS probably said something like "let him go and don't bother us with this crap again Mr Plod".
They finally end up in court on Monday over paternity or something, Deirdre and Liz go to court showing a united front as grandparents and as joint High Priestesses of the Pantheon of Sartorial Disaster. Deirdre is once again wearing a belt around her beergut to draw more attention to it, and Liz sports a conservative court ensemble of sequined halter neck top and skirt split so far up the left thigh that I'm sure I got a glimpse of next week's washing. Anyway, at the end the judge arbitrarily says "right I believe Steve is the father so that's that out of the way". Steve: smirks Tracy: face like thunder. The nation: is this the end of it then?
Sadly no, on the return to the street Liz suggests Steve talk to Tracy to try and sort it outside of court. Steve goes over and Tracy takes a dive that an Italian footballer would be proud of and calls her mum saying that Steve threatened her, Deirdre has obviously switched her brain to "inadequate" mode as she believes Tracy and talks about solicitors and things. Steve's short-lived smile crumples into the all too familiar "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face, he goes back over to Liz and says "Well done genius". Tracey goes back to court and tells the judge who grants an temporary injunction. I know they have to speed up the the plot a bit so a little artistic license is fair enough, but I'm pretty sure you can't just pop into court and get an injunction, don't you at leat have to fill in a form or something? Tracy smiles whilst a nation cries salt tears of despair.
Meanwhile at the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion, Fred has had enough of Shelley and is going to give her til Friday to shape herself or get out, bag and baggage! He speaks to Bev about it she is all "Well maybe you should, but then again no maybe you shouldn't". Fred: voluble. Bev: desperate. The Nation: so bored we could shit concrete.
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Lister buying Streetcars, yawn.
BONG! Sean, Irish vet, not yet in pants.
BONG! Sean, kelly, job in Rovers, rivals, double yawn
Sorry about the title, but I just had to get Eye of the Tiger in...
It's fight night in the Street with our Ashley taking on Mad Dog in a fight for the Shittest Plot Championship of the World. It all ends up in a riot and Clurr somehow comes out of her lobotomised stupor and asserts herself a bit with Mad Dog's girlfriend. The fight was a draw if anyone cares. I actually think that the Scriptwriters have missed the perfect opportunity here to reconstruct the the final scene from Rocky, only with Ashley shouting "Cluuuuuuuur!" at the top of his pre-pubescent comedy voice, instead we get this shite served up to us. NEXT!
It is Scooter's big day as Carpgate gets an airing in court. Martin is a bit bemused by the whole thing, he should count himself lucky as I spent most of this episode trying to ram a rusted rasp into my jugular to make it stop. Gail takes the stand as a character witness, of course if she was telling the truth she would say "To be honest m'lud, I'd never seen him until my daughter randomly brought him home one day and then he moved in 45 minutes later, for all I know he could be a goat rapist". Of course she doesn't say that and talks about how he is lovely and the like, the prosecutor then says:
"Isn't it true Ms Hillman, if indeed that is your real name, that the only reason you are here defending this man is that the Carp he rescued are actually part of your own species?"
"no"
"Do you expect the jury to believe that your face is entirely human?"
"well yes I do"
"I've no further questions for Barbel features here m'lud"
I think he got off at the end but I was beginning to feel woozy due to the blood loss by this time.
Danny's dad is dead, and his mum Viv has turned up, I think she used to be in Eldorado as she looks very familiar. Anyway she's not impressed with Coronation Street and it's cobbles and northern people as she is considerably richer than that. She later tells Mike that he is in fact Danny's dad, Penny echoes all our thoughts when she says "not another one!". He really has got lucky that bloke, especially considering he looks like a terrapin. He is outraged etc etc, she says "Well I gave birth about nine months after we made the beast with two backs didn't I? Didn't you work it out? hello! McFly!" Mike: tired and emotional (and forgetful). Viv: "Oh look, they wear the same clothes as we do up here, how novel!"
Barlow vs McDonald continues like a runaway milk lorry, a very boring runaway milk lorry. Tracy bullies the Crappers into not allowing Steve to even look at Amy or else she'll withdraw crypto adopto sub-parenting rights. They have no choice but to give in as Hayley's bespoke uterus is made from laminated papier mache and therefore can only hold water and redundant sperm, not a lickle baby of their very own.
Incredibly, considering the vast body of evidence they had (not), the police case against Steve regarding kidnapping crumbled like a house of cards, on shifting sand, that had nver been built in the first place. I think the CPS probably said something like "let him go and don't bother us with this crap again Mr Plod".
They finally end up in court on Monday over paternity or something, Deirdre and Liz go to court showing a united front as grandparents and as joint High Priestesses of the Pantheon of Sartorial Disaster. Deirdre is once again wearing a belt around her beergut to draw more attention to it, and Liz sports a conservative court ensemble of sequined halter neck top and skirt split so far up the left thigh that I'm sure I got a glimpse of next week's washing. Anyway, at the end the judge arbitrarily says "right I believe Steve is the father so that's that out of the way". Steve: smirks Tracy: face like thunder. The nation: is this the end of it then?
Sadly no, on the return to the street Liz suggests Steve talk to Tracy to try and sort it outside of court. Steve goes over and Tracy takes a dive that an Italian footballer would be proud of and calls her mum saying that Steve threatened her, Deirdre has obviously switched her brain to "inadequate" mode as she believes Tracy and talks about solicitors and things. Steve's short-lived smile crumples into the all too familiar "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face, he goes back over to Liz and says "Well done genius". Tracey goes back to court and tells the judge who grants an temporary injunction. I know they have to speed up the the plot a bit so a little artistic license is fair enough, but I'm pretty sure you can't just pop into court and get an injunction, don't you at leat have to fill in a form or something? Tracy smiles whilst a nation cries salt tears of despair.
Meanwhile at the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion, Fred has had enough of Shelley and is going to give her til Friday to shape herself or get out, bag and baggage! He speaks to Bev about it she is all "Well maybe you should, but then again no maybe you shouldn't". Fred: voluble. Bev: desperate. The Nation: so bored we could shit concrete.
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Lister buying Streetcars, yawn.
BONG! Sean, Irish vet, not yet in pants.
BONG! Sean, kelly, job in Rovers, rivals, double yawn
Sorry about the title, but I just had to get Eye of the Tiger in...
July 26, 2005
For I Shall take you home Ciaran, to where your heart will feel no pain.
The continuing saga, er, continues with Bar Wars Episode XXXXVXMMII: Darth Strikes Back.
Bev has licked Darth's spit off her face and the revulsion she feels leads her to call the police to say that Darth is bad, evil, reptilian and he smells of poo and wee. The police send round a (rather attractive) female copper, who quizzes Darth in the middle of the pub, which is obviously standard procedure in all police investigations. The copper has no idea of the dark forces she is dealing with and Darth easily mind tricks her, "I'm not the builder you are looking for, Bevi Want A-Shaggy is the criminal, I can go about my business". "You can go about your business" repeats the feeble minded rozzer. Bev gets a full size bollocking off the fuzz for wasting their time. Dark Side 1 Decent People 0.
Ciaran has had enough of Darth and attacks him in the pub, Darth acts all feeble and passive aggressive for he has realised the force is strong with Ciaran and so he must be destroyed. Shelley sees what is going down and of course goes mad with Ciaran. "Leave him alone, he's a lover not a fighter" she shouts, the pub gasp once more. Ciaran releases him but has a warning for Shelley, "Look at what he's done to you, you stupid woman, one day he'll really hurt you and by then you'll look like a chubby Joan Rivers, and then what will you do?". Ciaran decides that he must leave and amazingly packs all of his earthly possessions into a small rucksack. Before leaving he nips round to see Bev, explaining that he's off as the world is his oyster, "think about all the places I could go" he says, "like Chorlton, Rochdale, Leigh, Stalybridge and Wythenshawe." He talks of all the women he could love in a very real and dirty way whilst on the road, Bev seizes her opportunity for abject humiliation and moves in thrusting her wrinkled bosom at poor Ciaran in his moment of weakness and saying "Let's Go to Bed" (maybe she saw the results of this site's poll and had the video camera set up ready). Ciaran says something along the lines of "you must be fucking joking" and leaves. Ciaran: shudders. Bev: Gagging for it
Meanwhile, guess who's got the blame for the Ciaran incident? That's right, Dame Shelley of Feeble Brain. Darth goes out for the day, probably to spit in children's faces or point and laugh at road accidents or something, leaving Shelley alone with only the voices in her head for company. Shelley: scarred and depressed. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Barlow vs McDonald continues unabated. Steve tells Tracy not to go to court at she will be mincemeat with her tissue of lies (how's that for a mixed metaphor), Tracy is having none and goes to see her solicitor. She still will not have it even when he says "You've got about as much chance of nailing diahorrea to a wall love" or something like that. This makes her even more determined to let battle commence. Deirdre tries the softly, softly catchy Tracy approach (she is now friends again with Liz after something about World War 1 in a restaurant or something).
Tracy relents and lets Steve take Amy out, he is going to the zoo but she says that she would rather go to the airport and watch planes, Steve has obviously left his brain in a pickle jar on his hearth at home for failing to spot this obvious ploy. It couldn't be more blatant if she'd said, "I've packed the baby's stuff and written 'I am a kidnapper' on your back OK?". Anyway Steve falls for it and heads to the airport where lo and behold the rozzers turn up and arrest him for trying to kidnap Amy. You can fill in the gaps by using these words: Tracy, pretend shock, stalking, kidnap, not Amy's real dad. Steve pulls a mind boggling series of "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces and tells the coppers that he didn't do it etc. The coppers open up the bag and find passports etc. Steve: Oh shit. Coppers: irrefutable evidence, you're nicked sunbeam, off to the pub for questioning! The nation: hang on he hasn't got any tickets, or boarding passes, or his own passport!
Penny and Mike return from Spain after about 6 months it seems, and his alzheimer's plot is kicking in as he is forgetting a lot of stuff. To be fair this is a good and realistic storyline, for a character as sharp as Mike it is a good story, and it's not often this stuff is done in soaps. Well done writers. In other Baldwin-related news, Danny's dad has died, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care.
Kirk and Maria's parents are moving to a donkey sanctuary in Cyprus (no really) and have given the kennels to the kids. Maria wants to sell, Kirk doesn't as he loves the dogs and has far too small a brain to work anywhere else. Maria ends up being disinherited by her parents and Fiz is all smug, at least until she has to start shovelling dog turds around then she's not so chuffed. NEXT!
Non-Comedy Sub-Plot Corner
Cilla crashes Blanche's wheelchair into the canal (oh my sides!) in quite the most unconvincing crash ever committed to film.
Sean runs after a dog for some reason (oh, there goes another rib!) involving a vet that he'd quite like to get it on with.
In other news (abbreviated)
BONG! Boxing match, Nathan punched by Ashley, still shit
BONG! Dev, selling street cars, who cares?
BONG! Twins, fancy nathan, new realms of shitty plot as yet untouched by western civilisation
Bev has licked Darth's spit off her face and the revulsion she feels leads her to call the police to say that Darth is bad, evil, reptilian and he smells of poo and wee. The police send round a (rather attractive) female copper, who quizzes Darth in the middle of the pub, which is obviously standard procedure in all police investigations. The copper has no idea of the dark forces she is dealing with and Darth easily mind tricks her, "I'm not the builder you are looking for, Bevi Want A-Shaggy is the criminal, I can go about my business". "You can go about your business" repeats the feeble minded rozzer. Bev gets a full size bollocking off the fuzz for wasting their time. Dark Side 1 Decent People 0.
Ciaran has had enough of Darth and attacks him in the pub, Darth acts all feeble and passive aggressive for he has realised the force is strong with Ciaran and so he must be destroyed. Shelley sees what is going down and of course goes mad with Ciaran. "Leave him alone, he's a lover not a fighter" she shouts, the pub gasp once more. Ciaran releases him but has a warning for Shelley, "Look at what he's done to you, you stupid woman, one day he'll really hurt you and by then you'll look like a chubby Joan Rivers, and then what will you do?". Ciaran decides that he must leave and amazingly packs all of his earthly possessions into a small rucksack. Before leaving he nips round to see Bev, explaining that he's off as the world is his oyster, "think about all the places I could go" he says, "like Chorlton, Rochdale, Leigh, Stalybridge and Wythenshawe." He talks of all the women he could love in a very real and dirty way whilst on the road, Bev seizes her opportunity for abject humiliation and moves in thrusting her wrinkled bosom at poor Ciaran in his moment of weakness and saying "Let's Go to Bed" (maybe she saw the results of this site's poll and had the video camera set up ready). Ciaran says something along the lines of "you must be fucking joking" and leaves. Ciaran: shudders. Bev: Gagging for it
Meanwhile, guess who's got the blame for the Ciaran incident? That's right, Dame Shelley of Feeble Brain. Darth goes out for the day, probably to spit in children's faces or point and laugh at road accidents or something, leaving Shelley alone with only the voices in her head for company. Shelley: scarred and depressed. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
Barlow vs McDonald continues unabated. Steve tells Tracy not to go to court at she will be mincemeat with her tissue of lies (how's that for a mixed metaphor), Tracy is having none and goes to see her solicitor. She still will not have it even when he says "You've got about as much chance of nailing diahorrea to a wall love" or something like that. This makes her even more determined to let battle commence. Deirdre tries the softly, softly catchy Tracy approach (she is now friends again with Liz after something about World War 1 in a restaurant or something).
Tracy relents and lets Steve take Amy out, he is going to the zoo but she says that she would rather go to the airport and watch planes, Steve has obviously left his brain in a pickle jar on his hearth at home for failing to spot this obvious ploy. It couldn't be more blatant if she'd said, "I've packed the baby's stuff and written 'I am a kidnapper' on your back OK?". Anyway Steve falls for it and heads to the airport where lo and behold the rozzers turn up and arrest him for trying to kidnap Amy. You can fill in the gaps by using these words: Tracy, pretend shock, stalking, kidnap, not Amy's real dad. Steve pulls a mind boggling series of "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces and tells the coppers that he didn't do it etc. The coppers open up the bag and find passports etc. Steve: Oh shit. Coppers: irrefutable evidence, you're nicked sunbeam, off to the pub for questioning! The nation: hang on he hasn't got any tickets, or boarding passes, or his own passport!
Penny and Mike return from Spain after about 6 months it seems, and his alzheimer's plot is kicking in as he is forgetting a lot of stuff. To be fair this is a good and realistic storyline, for a character as sharp as Mike it is a good story, and it's not often this stuff is done in soaps. Well done writers. In other Baldwin-related news, Danny's dad has died, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care.
Kirk and Maria's parents are moving to a donkey sanctuary in Cyprus (no really) and have given the kennels to the kids. Maria wants to sell, Kirk doesn't as he loves the dogs and has far too small a brain to work anywhere else. Maria ends up being disinherited by her parents and Fiz is all smug, at least until she has to start shovelling dog turds around then she's not so chuffed. NEXT!
Non-Comedy Sub-Plot Corner
Cilla crashes Blanche's wheelchair into the canal (oh my sides!) in quite the most unconvincing crash ever committed to film.
Sean runs after a dog for some reason (oh, there goes another rib!) involving a vet that he'd quite like to get it on with.
In other news (abbreviated)
BONG! Boxing match, Nathan punched by Ashley, still shit
BONG! Dev, selling street cars, who cares?
BONG! Twins, fancy nathan, new realms of shitty plot as yet untouched by western civilisation
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)