Apologies for the lack of updates for the past couple of weeks, I couldn't bring myself to write about the wedding pantomime farce and then I was away with work and saw no Corrie at all last week.
I'll be back firing on all cylinders next week.
November 10, 2005
October 25, 2005
The Twelve Trials of Kirkules
The girls in the factory are taking advantage of Bradley's weakened state by taking unprecedented liberties, like having the transistor radio on and (the horror!) working too slowly. McBarlow tries to deal with them but they quite understandably laugh in his terribly acted and bewigged face, McBarlow has had enough and takes Bradley for a drink to tell him to get it together. He mentions liberties and things like that, Bradley takes it all on board goes back to the factory and lines them up, Tenko style, for a bollocking. During said bollocking he smashes the tranny on the floor (the radio, not Hayley), and Janice says, "How's the family Bradley?", Bradley immediately sacks her, in direct breach of the Employment Act 2004 by the way. Hayley is fully aware of this and pleads with him to reconsider, he doesn't so it is strike time!! They all march out on a wildcat strike (in direct breach of the Trades Union Act 1985), except Sally, who they then later call a scab and physically intimidate (in direct breach of criminal law and the Industrial Relations Act 1985) as she tries to cross the picket line. Any of you lot reading this thinking of doing any of the above have been warned!
A pitiful picket line is created, Bradley brings in scab labour to supplement Sally, and then Mike comes back, and he is not happy, he's even less happy when he finds out about the World's Least Interesting affair. By the time he gets into the factory he probably can't remember what he's pissed off about but plods on anyway, he tells Bradley he must sort the strike out. Bradley says no, and then Mike's terrapin like head extends further out of his shoulder shell and his eyes become all misty, he makes random comments about "mistakes" and how him and Bradley are "alike". He then tells inexplicably tells Bradley that he is his real Dad. Ruh-roh. Way to go genius, his world has already been turned upside down so you think it's a good idea to kick it down the stairs and out into the street as well do you? Bradley then totally nicks a line I could've used by saying that Mike had gone all Darth Vader on him. Bradley gets all "Grrrrr, smash" on the factory and Mike leaves, retracting his head back into his shoulder shell. Bradley tries to phone Frankie, she hangs up, he tries to phone his mum, she's not in (probably out shagging someone the hussy). He sits alone in the factory and becomes the fourth person in a fortnight to have his heart shattered into a thousand betrayed pieces. Amazingly I found myself feeling some sympathy for him, so credit to the writers for that one.
Gail and Phil continue to nauseate the nation with their potential shagging shenanegans. They have a night in together at Casa Carp and things take a turn for the minging as they begin licking each other's faces, Gail takes him upstairs but then panics at the thought that Phil may start coiffuring his hair and developing an Unconvicing Evil Stare. She sends him away. Gail: conflicted. Phil: warming up his right hand. Gail later tells him in the cafe that she thinks they should stop seeing each other as she cannot be intimate with a man ever again probably. Phil: back to the foot fetish porn. The nation: cry salt tears of joy. Unfortunately I have a feeling this will not be the end.
Taxilord has invoked the Seven Plagues of Gangster on Streetcars. His first plague is Intimidation of Employees, he sends Unconvicing Henchman Son to get into Clurr's cab and reel off a lot of cliches about "harm" and "lovely little lad, shame if he got hurt" etc and tells her to stop working for Steve. Clurr goes home and UHS follows her so he knows where she lives, in broad daylight, with about 20 witnesses to see him do it. Genius. Ashley sees him, his Maxime rage explodes and he lamps UHS and sends him packing. He then comes over all Danny Glover in The Color Purple and says "You will not drive that automobile again. You hear me Miss Clurry?!" She defies her husband and says, "The war on turrer goes on".
Later Taxilord pays Lloyd a visit, Lloyd is all "look mate I'm doing my best but your Missus is obviously fantastic in the sack as Steve won't see sense". Taxilord is not happy, and he calls Lloyd a "monkey" and maintains he should "go back to the jungle" at which point Kelly comes in and is told the same. The gloves are off now! No doubt we will now see a united front as all of Middle Weatherfield unite to defeat the Evil Taxilord. Fair play to Corrie on this one though, lots of soaps shy away from racism even in their most evil characters, so they should be applauded for having the guts to actually show it.
Les has asked Kirk to be his best man, but Cilla wants her oldest son to do it, so she devises 12 tests he must pass to be allowed the honour. BBC1 had the updated Canterbury Tales, Corrie has this gem as a reworking of Greek mythology. They also steal a Wedding cake. Laugh? I nearly did.
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Sunita, still pregnant. Dev, still and insufferable bellend.
BONG! Jack, sailing ancestor. No, me neither.
BONG! Ken & Deirdre, Ken drinking decaf now. (I can't believe that is an accurate plot summary, but it is)
A pitiful picket line is created, Bradley brings in scab labour to supplement Sally, and then Mike comes back, and he is not happy, he's even less happy when he finds out about the World's Least Interesting affair. By the time he gets into the factory he probably can't remember what he's pissed off about but plods on anyway, he tells Bradley he must sort the strike out. Bradley says no, and then Mike's terrapin like head extends further out of his shoulder shell and his eyes become all misty, he makes random comments about "mistakes" and how him and Bradley are "alike". He then tells inexplicably tells Bradley that he is his real Dad. Ruh-roh. Way to go genius, his world has already been turned upside down so you think it's a good idea to kick it down the stairs and out into the street as well do you? Bradley then totally nicks a line I could've used by saying that Mike had gone all Darth Vader on him. Bradley gets all "Grrrrr, smash" on the factory and Mike leaves, retracting his head back into his shoulder shell. Bradley tries to phone Frankie, she hangs up, he tries to phone his mum, she's not in (probably out shagging someone the hussy). He sits alone in the factory and becomes the fourth person in a fortnight to have his heart shattered into a thousand betrayed pieces. Amazingly I found myself feeling some sympathy for him, so credit to the writers for that one.
Gail and Phil continue to nauseate the nation with their potential shagging shenanegans. They have a night in together at Casa Carp and things take a turn for the minging as they begin licking each other's faces, Gail takes him upstairs but then panics at the thought that Phil may start coiffuring his hair and developing an Unconvicing Evil Stare. She sends him away. Gail: conflicted. Phil: warming up his right hand. Gail later tells him in the cafe that she thinks they should stop seeing each other as she cannot be intimate with a man ever again probably. Phil: back to the foot fetish porn. The nation: cry salt tears of joy. Unfortunately I have a feeling this will not be the end.
Taxilord has invoked the Seven Plagues of Gangster on Streetcars. His first plague is Intimidation of Employees, he sends Unconvicing Henchman Son to get into Clurr's cab and reel off a lot of cliches about "harm" and "lovely little lad, shame if he got hurt" etc and tells her to stop working for Steve. Clurr goes home and UHS follows her so he knows where she lives, in broad daylight, with about 20 witnesses to see him do it. Genius. Ashley sees him, his Maxime rage explodes and he lamps UHS and sends him packing. He then comes over all Danny Glover in The Color Purple and says "You will not drive that automobile again. You hear me Miss Clurry?!" She defies her husband and says, "The war on turrer goes on".
Later Taxilord pays Lloyd a visit, Lloyd is all "look mate I'm doing my best but your Missus is obviously fantastic in the sack as Steve won't see sense". Taxilord is not happy, and he calls Lloyd a "monkey" and maintains he should "go back to the jungle" at which point Kelly comes in and is told the same. The gloves are off now! No doubt we will now see a united front as all of Middle Weatherfield unite to defeat the Evil Taxilord. Fair play to Corrie on this one though, lots of soaps shy away from racism even in their most evil characters, so they should be applauded for having the guts to actually show it.
Les has asked Kirk to be his best man, but Cilla wants her oldest son to do it, so she devises 12 tests he must pass to be allowed the honour. BBC1 had the updated Canterbury Tales, Corrie has this gem as a reworking of Greek mythology. They also steal a Wedding cake. Laugh? I nearly did.
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Sunita, still pregnant. Dev, still and insufferable bellend.
BONG! Jack, sailing ancestor. No, me neither.
BONG! Ken & Deirdre, Ken drinking decaf now. (I can't believe that is an accurate plot summary, but it is)
October 18, 2005
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!!!
Liz Taylorette has turned up on the street, demanding to know why her beautiful Wurzel son's wedding has been postponed, and where she can get some SmartPrice Brandy at 9:30am. She goes to see Leanne, who once again shows her ability to be utterly brain-dead under questioning and says, "It's Frankie's fault, Bradley's been playing hide the sausage with another woman again and now she's dead upset and so she says she can't handle us getting married", Taylorette storms off to see Frankie, well done Leanne. Bradley sees Liz Taylorette entering his former abode and his crinkly mush crumples into what can only be described as an "oh shit" face. Taylorette starts laying the law down to Frankie, until in the end Frankie cannae take no more captain and says "It was Leanne, that's why he can't marry her!" It is now Taylorette's turn to show her total lack of cool under pressure skills, and storms off for the second time in search of Leanne. Teh whole Crypto Clan end up meeting in the factory office, Taylorette determined to tell THE TRUTH, Bradley tries aversion tactics , "oh is that the time? Wurzel let's me and you get this delivery out, where's me washboard? A man walks in to a bar, listen to this it's a cracker this one, he says to the barman 'have you ever slept with a horse?'" Taylorette suffers this no longer and tells THE TRUTH. Ruh-Roh!
Wurzel wheels round to Bradley, who actually has a go at adding crying to his emotional repertoire (which now reads: cheeky, chirpy, crying, cheeky, shouting, cheeky). To be honest it is so bad I expect a drama tutor to walk on and say "Ok Bradley we'll come back to that, let's move on to exercise 4 - Being a Tree Throught Medium of Dance." Wurzel is having none as he has become the second person in the space of a week to have his heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces. Bradley later tries to talk to him, Wurzel says, "Look dad, Wheel of Fortune was bad enough, but this I cannot forgive you for".
Liz Taylorette sees an opportunity to win back her boy and starts tipping poison in about how Frankie didn't tell him because she is evil and doesn't really love him, Wurzel being a bear of very little brain at first agrees, but later realises like thet rest of us that Frankie is ace and decides to stay. Frankie: pleased. Liz Taylorette: Heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces, No 3. I suggest Wurzel should make a move on Frankie, after all they are about the same age, thus creating such a complicated Crypto-Incest situation that even Mormons will get confused.
Leanne eventually leaves, I am shocked by how little I care. Later in the week, Wurzel turns up with cropped hair, maybe it is symbol of a new beginning or maybe he is a sort of reverse Samson who will gain brains and charm through having short hair. More likely someone just told him the truth, that his hair was a Hate Crime and if he didn't sort it out a European Tribunal would be after him.
Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Gail has now lapped poor Eileen in this competition she is so far ahead, but the more I see of Phil the more I think that she has had a lucky escape. Anyway, Gail and Phil go out for a meal to The Clock, Gail wants to know more about him, like how did he get into foot maithering. Given her past with men I'd be asking more searching questions than that if I was her: "Do you have an unconvincing evil stare?", "Are you in any way psychopathic?" for example. He relays a story about some widow on a bus getting her feet rubbed and it made her forget about her dead husband or something, I feel it's more about a desire to lick between women's toes myself, time will tell, watch this space. Gail maturely decides that this is enough information to shag him and takes him home, only to be scuppered by Teenage Rage! David has made a mess of the house and simply makes grunting noises when spoken to, Phil makes his excuses and leaves. Gail is furious, she says "you need to more grown up David! Now get to your room you naughty little boy!" David goes upstairs and blasts out Joy Division from his stereo. Fabulous stuff, the longer I can put off thinking about the image of Gail's orgasm face whilst a giant Scotsman sweats and heaves over her the better.
Liz McCleavage has got herself a toyboy, who is a dead ringer for the dwarf from Fantasy Island and The Man With the Golden Gun. She parades him around in front of Steve who pulls his usual array of Why the Fuck Is This Happening To Me™ faces. Liz says, "let's go and have a shower together Andy", Steve says "He's called Andy?! Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!" before washing his eyes out with caustic soda. Andy says, "Look Boss! Zee plane." Andy later brings his mother to the Rovers to meet Liz, she is a clone of her, Liz becomes afraid of the oedipal nightmare she has wandered into and packs him in on the spot. Andy looks upset, wait until Mr Scaramanga finds out about it mate.
Ronnie and Steve are still going strong, Taxilord has been round to Streetcars to put the frighteners on Lloyd, who then tells Steve to pack her in and pack her bags for everybody's sake. Taxilord then provides evidence he attended the same Crap Gangster College as Byrite Andy on EastEnders, by invoking a terrifying campaign of spilling Olive Oil on seats and making hoax taxi bookings. The Horror! Steve is blatantly in love with his 1940s debutante Ronnie and thus cannot lose her so he decides to meet up with Taxilord to tackle the issue head on. They meet up in a pub, Taxilord says "hello Steve, this is my Unconvicing Henchman Son, that is required in all of these scenes, carry on". Steve details his Roadmap to Peace, involving not straying onto Taxilord's patch and not causing anymore damage etc, he however makes a diplomatic faux pas when he then adds " and your missus hates you and loves having sex with me and she isn't coming back ever. Fancy a drink?". Taxilord makes some cliched points about Steve having guts to face him or something. Whilst Steve is at the bar, Unconvincing Henchman Son says "are you going soft?", Taxilord says "no, whacking (yes he actually used that word) him would be a waste of a bullet, he'll wish he's never been born by the end of this yadda yadda yadda". Please. Make. This. Stop. Now. Remember the simple equation: Decent Soap + Gangsters = Death of Soap (see Brookside)
Robyn has found out about Martin's past and is not replying to his calls, Martin goes to finds her at school and they eventually talk. He tells all and she says, "So let me get this straight, added to the fact that you are a rat faced minger who can't act, you have also been arrested for murder and spent time shacked up with a 16 year old girl with serious sartorial issues?"
"yes"
"Funnily enough I need some time to think about this". About 5 seconds should be enough love.
In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Deirdre, quit smoking, Ken, quit Coffee, Nation, quit caring
BONG! Les, Cilla, no church
BONG! Janice, giving Bradley trouble
Wurzel wheels round to Bradley, who actually has a go at adding crying to his emotional repertoire (which now reads: cheeky, chirpy, crying, cheeky, shouting, cheeky). To be honest it is so bad I expect a drama tutor to walk on and say "Ok Bradley we'll come back to that, let's move on to exercise 4 - Being a Tree Throught Medium of Dance." Wurzel is having none as he has become the second person in the space of a week to have his heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces. Bradley later tries to talk to him, Wurzel says, "Look dad, Wheel of Fortune was bad enough, but this I cannot forgive you for".
Liz Taylorette sees an opportunity to win back her boy and starts tipping poison in about how Frankie didn't tell him because she is evil and doesn't really love him, Wurzel being a bear of very little brain at first agrees, but later realises like thet rest of us that Frankie is ace and decides to stay. Frankie: pleased. Liz Taylorette: Heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces, No 3. I suggest Wurzel should make a move on Frankie, after all they are about the same age, thus creating such a complicated Crypto-Incest situation that even Mormons will get confused.
Leanne eventually leaves, I am shocked by how little I care. Later in the week, Wurzel turns up with cropped hair, maybe it is symbol of a new beginning or maybe he is a sort of reverse Samson who will gain brains and charm through having short hair. More likely someone just told him the truth, that his hair was a Hate Crime and if he didn't sort it out a European Tribunal would be after him.
Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Gail has now lapped poor Eileen in this competition she is so far ahead, but the more I see of Phil the more I think that she has had a lucky escape. Anyway, Gail and Phil go out for a meal to The Clock, Gail wants to know more about him, like how did he get into foot maithering. Given her past with men I'd be asking more searching questions than that if I was her: "Do you have an unconvincing evil stare?", "Are you in any way psychopathic?" for example. He relays a story about some widow on a bus getting her feet rubbed and it made her forget about her dead husband or something, I feel it's more about a desire to lick between women's toes myself, time will tell, watch this space. Gail maturely decides that this is enough information to shag him and takes him home, only to be scuppered by Teenage Rage! David has made a mess of the house and simply makes grunting noises when spoken to, Phil makes his excuses and leaves. Gail is furious, she says "you need to more grown up David! Now get to your room you naughty little boy!" David goes upstairs and blasts out Joy Division from his stereo. Fabulous stuff, the longer I can put off thinking about the image of Gail's orgasm face whilst a giant Scotsman sweats and heaves over her the better.
Liz McCleavage has got herself a toyboy, who is a dead ringer for the dwarf from Fantasy Island and The Man With the Golden Gun. She parades him around in front of Steve who pulls his usual array of Why the Fuck Is This Happening To Me™ faces. Liz says, "let's go and have a shower together Andy", Steve says "He's called Andy?! Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!" before washing his eyes out with caustic soda. Andy says, "Look Boss! Zee plane." Andy later brings his mother to the Rovers to meet Liz, she is a clone of her, Liz becomes afraid of the oedipal nightmare she has wandered into and packs him in on the spot. Andy looks upset, wait until Mr Scaramanga finds out about it mate.
Ronnie and Steve are still going strong, Taxilord has been round to Streetcars to put the frighteners on Lloyd, who then tells Steve to pack her in and pack her bags for everybody's sake. Taxilord then provides evidence he attended the same Crap Gangster College as Byrite Andy on EastEnders, by invoking a terrifying campaign of spilling Olive Oil on seats and making hoax taxi bookings. The Horror! Steve is blatantly in love with his 1940s debutante Ronnie and thus cannot lose her so he decides to meet up with Taxilord to tackle the issue head on. They meet up in a pub, Taxilord says "hello Steve, this is my Unconvicing Henchman Son, that is required in all of these scenes, carry on". Steve details his Roadmap to Peace, involving not straying onto Taxilord's patch and not causing anymore damage etc, he however makes a diplomatic faux pas when he then adds " and your missus hates you and loves having sex with me and she isn't coming back ever. Fancy a drink?". Taxilord makes some cliched points about Steve having guts to face him or something. Whilst Steve is at the bar, Unconvincing Henchman Son says "are you going soft?", Taxilord says "no, whacking (yes he actually used that word) him would be a waste of a bullet, he'll wish he's never been born by the end of this yadda yadda yadda". Please. Make. This. Stop. Now. Remember the simple equation: Decent Soap + Gangsters = Death of Soap (see Brookside)
Robyn has found out about Martin's past and is not replying to his calls, Martin goes to finds her at school and they eventually talk. He tells all and she says, "So let me get this straight, added to the fact that you are a rat faced minger who can't act, you have also been arrested for murder and spent time shacked up with a 16 year old girl with serious sartorial issues?"
"yes"
"Funnily enough I need some time to think about this". About 5 seconds should be enough love.
In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Deirdre, quit smoking, Ken, quit Coffee, Nation, quit caring
BONG! Les, Cilla, no church
BONG! Janice, giving Bradley trouble
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