The Baldwin Clan (minus Wurzel and Frankie, but plus Leanne) go to The Ubiquitous Clock for Christmas dinner, also in attendance is Sue Ellen with Tony Slattery, but on a separate table obviously. She later becomes very drunk natch and then starts having a go at Bradley, until the phone Wirzel, who turns up with Frankie to take the poor pissed-up wretch home. Bradley and McBaldwin are continuing to snipe at one another, in a very boring manner, then Bradleys mum turns up, I can't remember her name but she used to be in Eldorado. Anyway, Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind kicks into overdrive and he asks where Harry is, cue slack-jawed looks from around the table, Bradley says "erm, he's dead Michael", Mike looks like a confused terrapin. he later leaves to go for "a walk" and is found by Wurzel in a foetal position outside the factory gently rocking backwards & forwards and weeping like a baby at bedtime. He says "I'm losing my mind", Wurzel says "No you're not". Mike says "But I forgot my own brother was dead". Wurzel says "What? You are totally gone mate, erm I mean you're just tired, now let's get you home and into a nappy". Mike now sees Wurzel as his saviour, and has put his number in his phone for emergencies. I predict that there are going to be Will-rigging shenanegins and Mike will spite them all by leaving everything to Wurzel, you read it here first. Disturbingly, I've started liking Wurzel recently, can I get a tablet for this or something? There is much more forgetting stuff that happens, including Proposing to Penny and then forgetting, but I'm sure you've got the gist now haven't you...
Steve and Ronnie end up at the Barlow's for christmas dinner leading to a frankly hilarious board-game scene that I would not do justice recounting here.
Sue Ellen has fallen off the wagon and into a giant vat of vodka and bitterness. She is upset that Jamie seems to like Frankie, we of course know that he fancies the pants off her. She takes every opportunity to have a go at Frankie to Jamie, in order to turn him to the dark side, he however is not listening and fantasising about Frankie's boobs. Frankie spends New Year's Eve with Nathan, flirting and generally having a good time, she kisses Jamie at midnight and he undoubtedly gets a semi-on, but it goes no further. He later ends up doing a runner for some reason, I must admit I missed this episode, so anyone who can fill in the blanks, feel free.
Rersio and Craig-iet is continuing apace, with the star-crossed lovers of Weatherfield bang at it and heavy on it. On New Year's Eve they spend the night in Keith's house, Rersio wearing a very lovely dress in my opinion, and end up making the sex after Craigiet tells her that he "worships her". Only teenagers could think that was good, an adult's Freak Alarm would be triggered immediately by someone saying that. Anyway, Sally catches them in bed and has a fit of Victorian style moral outrage about it and locks poor Rersio in the tower. Kevin shouts with a confused look on his face as per and threates "pastings" and the like. It seems a slightly hysterical reaction for Sally to be honest, yes they are underage but 1) they think they loove each other and therefore are giving their virg to someone very special, 2) they bagged up. In this day and age it's the best you can hope for I reckon. Sally then spends the rest of the week being in ans Extreme State of Rage and everybody in the whole world, especially after she fidns out Keith and Audrey knew about it, but were probably too busy making the sex themselves to care (ewwww!). Silly cow.
Also on NYE, Deirdre insists her and Ken go out and that Tracy must babysit for her own daughter. Tracy: not happy. Later on Darth Builder pops round and persuades Tracy to go to his place for spot of festive micturition, why she didn't invite him in I don't know, probably worried about the couch stinking of piss. Anyway she leaves Amy in BABY HOME ALONE SHOCKER! She returns later and all is well. I can only guess this will now be a regular occurence, until about mid Feb, when Amy will get out of her cot and try to cook chips and set the chip-pan on fire, which in the real world would then lead to care proceedings, but in Soap world will lead to Amy simply being given to Steve. ken and Deirdre return home after a vomit-inducing conversation about an "early night and a big bed" to find Amy and Tracy all snuggled on the sofa. Tracy is shaping up into a pretty good villain actually and her and Charlie are a great pairing.
In other Christmas news (abbreviated):
BONG! Les, Cilla. non-comedy borken cooker, deep fry dinner in chippy, chippy burnt down.
BONG! Clurr. Pregnant.
BONG! Fred & Bev. A couple - nearly.
BONG! Sean. wants babies. Violet, willing to be his breeding sow.
BONG! Ronnie, nicks £5k from Taxilord. Sees him in prison. Steve in danger.
January 03, 2006
January 01, 2006
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
A very Happy New Year to all readers and I wish you and yours all the very best for 2006. Thanks for reading my ranting scrawls, and thanks for your lovely comments in 2005.
I will be updating sometime this week when my headache clears...
I will be updating sometime this week when my headache clears...
December 22, 2005
Mikey Wrongmind and the Knicker Factory
First of all apologies for missing the update last week and being late with this one, I have had little boy in hospital issues to deal with and have also had to build another website in my spare time for the band I am in (www.blackstaronline.co.uk for anyone who is interested).
Another cheque has gone missing or something and Mike is blaming everyone else as per. He instigates a regime of Tenko style searching on the ladies in the factory, demanding they empty their bags, pockets and internal body cavities before leaving. Everyone accepts this except Hayley, who is no doubt wondering how anyone could search her foof as it is an inside-out clacker, and she refuses to be searched on a Matter of Trust . Mike insists, then in the end sacks her. The amount of Employment & Human Rights Law broken in that exchange is staggering by the way. Hayley tries to rally the troops around for a strike, but they all make excuses about being skint and Christmas coming etc. Fair enough everyone else maybe, bt for Janice to refuse is well out of order after Hayley dragged everyone out on strike for her. Mind you, I'm forgetting that Janice is a disgusting human being and so I should expect no more really.
Next day in the pub, Mike demands to know why Hayley was not at work this morning, Hayley says "Because you sacked me, you menc". "No I never" replies Mike, "You must have misunderstood". Hayley, glad to get her job back, says fair enough. Stupidly everyone else says Ok as well. Sack someone in a fit of temper one day, forget it happened the next day and no-one bats an eyelid - how very realistic. On and they find the cheque in the end, as if we cared. Bradley has enough of it all, between McBarlow's shit acting and Mike Amazing Forgetting Mind he can see the factory going to the dogs. He sits in his armchair sipping whisky and making noises about "taking what is his" and "putting an end to it". Bradley: scheming. The Nation: soporific.
Phil's flat has flooded so he has to move in to Casa Carp for the Festive period. Mother of the Year Gail agrees to this without even a mention to David - that's confused, angry, unhappy, jealous, borderline alcoholic David - well done Gail. Amazingly David is not happy about it and thinks that Phil is lying about his flat being flooded. He is later arrested by the cops for hanging around the flat and being far too ugly to be seen in public. On his return Phil kicks off about how David is a criminal and the Police got their just in time before he started his one boy destruction spree. Gail remembers that she has a son for a minute and defends him, maybe next time she will try talking to him in the first place, instead of simply making that awful simpering face every time Phil speaks. Gail says what would he know anyway as he doesn't havfe any kids, or does he? It is the second time in a week that she has said this and for the second time Phil looked wistfully into the distance like a contemplative Wolfhound.
The Sex-o-matic Plague has spread from Casa Carp to next door this week it would seem. Keith and Audrey go for a drink and they end up tipsy (and frisky!), Keith says Audrey can stay over and she looks a bit concerned, he apologises profusely for his wanton desire. She says "Never mind that, get your Farah's off you Sheffield love machine!" and they lick each other faces. Ewwwww! Next morning, they are awkward and Blanche spots Audrey leaving in "yesterday's Lilac jumper". Later in the pub K&A proudly announce that "We have nothing to be ashamed of, I gave this woman a jolly good seeing to last night, anyone got a problem with it?". No-one could speak as they were all concentrating on not throwing up.
Rersie and Craig are to attend the Posh School Ball for Posh Kids together, Sally buys a balck dress for Rersie that is minging in a major way, Serphie deals ewith it Pretty in Pink stylee by creating her own design for it. It mostly involves ripping it. She comes down looking like a much more attractive Siousxie Sioux. Sally: not happy. Rersie: "Whatever". Craig turns up looking like Edward Scissorhands. Rersie's friend turns up and says "My up two look absolutely aces, pip pip, my mummy bought me this boring thing, ra ra, jolly hockey sticks". Sally is then happy, because a teenager whose family happen to have money likes what her daughter is wearing. Sally: a stupid, stupid cow. After the ball, R&C end up doing the sex, Goth version, which probably involves putting on Temple of Love and keeping a angry face throughout. In the morning Craig wants to shout their love from the rooftops of Weatherfield, Rersie is less keen, what with her mum not being in chokey there is a high possibililty she might kill her if she hears and put herself there. Poor Craig is crestfallen, as he loves Rersie and has no-one else other than his tight grandad and a load of stuffed animals.
Audrey finds out and advises Rersie that she is too you for the sex, Goth version or otherwise. Rersie, says, "Just coz you and your Granddaughter got preggers don't mean I will, I'm not a stupid slapper!". At which point Sally enters, and Audrey does the decent thing and doesn't tell her, way to go Audrey! This story has been written and acted very well I think.
Speaking of plots written and acted very well, here are a few that are neither of those things:
Kelly has won some money on a scratchcard, Lloyd is advising fiscal caution, kelly want to spend it all. Somehow this leads to a row in the clock, and Kelly getting mugged. No, me neither.
Tracey and Steve are rowing over who should have Amy on Christmas Day.
Liz Taylorette has a date with her boss from the bookies, played by none other than a quite frighteningly rough looking Tony Slattery. Mind you if reports are to believed he hasn't been out of his house for 4 years so it's not suprising. Anyway, they go to the clock but it turns out that he is only going out with her to make his ex jealous. Liz T is very unhappy and nearly hits the bottle again under the pressure allied with a goading Bradley, but she doesn't. Later Eric asks her out again and she agrees.
Another cheque has gone missing or something and Mike is blaming everyone else as per. He instigates a regime of Tenko style searching on the ladies in the factory, demanding they empty their bags, pockets and internal body cavities before leaving. Everyone accepts this except Hayley, who is no doubt wondering how anyone could search her foof as it is an inside-out clacker, and she refuses to be searched on a Matter of Trust . Mike insists, then in the end sacks her. The amount of Employment & Human Rights Law broken in that exchange is staggering by the way. Hayley tries to rally the troops around for a strike, but they all make excuses about being skint and Christmas coming etc. Fair enough everyone else maybe, bt for Janice to refuse is well out of order after Hayley dragged everyone out on strike for her. Mind you, I'm forgetting that Janice is a disgusting human being and so I should expect no more really.
Next day in the pub, Mike demands to know why Hayley was not at work this morning, Hayley says "Because you sacked me, you menc". "No I never" replies Mike, "You must have misunderstood". Hayley, glad to get her job back, says fair enough. Stupidly everyone else says Ok as well. Sack someone in a fit of temper one day, forget it happened the next day and no-one bats an eyelid - how very realistic. On and they find the cheque in the end, as if we cared. Bradley has enough of it all, between McBarlow's shit acting and Mike Amazing Forgetting Mind he can see the factory going to the dogs. He sits in his armchair sipping whisky and making noises about "taking what is his" and "putting an end to it". Bradley: scheming. The Nation: soporific.
Phil's flat has flooded so he has to move in to Casa Carp for the Festive period. Mother of the Year Gail agrees to this without even a mention to David - that's confused, angry, unhappy, jealous, borderline alcoholic David - well done Gail. Amazingly David is not happy about it and thinks that Phil is lying about his flat being flooded. He is later arrested by the cops for hanging around the flat and being far too ugly to be seen in public. On his return Phil kicks off about how David is a criminal and the Police got their just in time before he started his one boy destruction spree. Gail remembers that she has a son for a minute and defends him, maybe next time she will try talking to him in the first place, instead of simply making that awful simpering face every time Phil speaks. Gail says what would he know anyway as he doesn't havfe any kids, or does he? It is the second time in a week that she has said this and for the second time Phil looked wistfully into the distance like a contemplative Wolfhound.
The Sex-o-matic Plague has spread from Casa Carp to next door this week it would seem. Keith and Audrey go for a drink and they end up tipsy (and frisky!), Keith says Audrey can stay over and she looks a bit concerned, he apologises profusely for his wanton desire. She says "Never mind that, get your Farah's off you Sheffield love machine!" and they lick each other faces. Ewwwww! Next morning, they are awkward and Blanche spots Audrey leaving in "yesterday's Lilac jumper". Later in the pub K&A proudly announce that "We have nothing to be ashamed of, I gave this woman a jolly good seeing to last night, anyone got a problem with it?". No-one could speak as they were all concentrating on not throwing up.
Rersie and Craig are to attend the Posh School Ball for Posh Kids together, Sally buys a balck dress for Rersie that is minging in a major way, Serphie deals ewith it Pretty in Pink stylee by creating her own design for it. It mostly involves ripping it. She comes down looking like a much more attractive Siousxie Sioux. Sally: not happy. Rersie: "Whatever". Craig turns up looking like Edward Scissorhands. Rersie's friend turns up and says "My up two look absolutely aces, pip pip, my mummy bought me this boring thing, ra ra, jolly hockey sticks". Sally is then happy, because a teenager whose family happen to have money likes what her daughter is wearing. Sally: a stupid, stupid cow. After the ball, R&C end up doing the sex, Goth version, which probably involves putting on Temple of Love and keeping a angry face throughout. In the morning Craig wants to shout their love from the rooftops of Weatherfield, Rersie is less keen, what with her mum not being in chokey there is a high possibililty she might kill her if she hears and put herself there. Poor Craig is crestfallen, as he loves Rersie and has no-one else other than his tight grandad and a load of stuffed animals.
Audrey finds out and advises Rersie that she is too you for the sex, Goth version or otherwise. Rersie, says, "Just coz you and your Granddaughter got preggers don't mean I will, I'm not a stupid slapper!". At which point Sally enters, and Audrey does the decent thing and doesn't tell her, way to go Audrey! This story has been written and acted very well I think.
Speaking of plots written and acted very well, here are a few that are neither of those things:
Kelly has won some money on a scratchcard, Lloyd is advising fiscal caution, kelly want to spend it all. Somehow this leads to a row in the clock, and Kelly getting mugged. No, me neither.
Tracey and Steve are rowing over who should have Amy on Christmas Day.
Liz Taylorette has a date with her boss from the bookies, played by none other than a quite frighteningly rough looking Tony Slattery. Mind you if reports are to believed he hasn't been out of his house for 4 years so it's not suprising. Anyway, they go to the clock but it turns out that he is only going out with her to make his ex jealous. Liz T is very unhappy and nearly hits the bottle again under the pressure allied with a goading Bradley, but she doesn't. Later Eric asks her out again and she agrees.
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