In which over 50% of the plots are frankly rubbish

Rersio & Craigiet continue to suffer the Separation Of The Wanton, and are yearning for each other like the Charlie Kennedy and Creme de Menthe (allegedly). They manage to sneak a conversation through a window (can you see what they did there?) but are spending most of their time apart and no doubt horny as hell. They do get some time together later in the week at Keith's House of Sin and they wax about how "everyone must be really sad and unfulfilled as they have never known love like we knows the love of each other", or something. Brillliant teenage nonsense from Corrie here: no gangsters, no people being paid to shag children, no bald bloke who looks about 40. You know who I'm talking about! Rersio is being very well behaved at home as a smokescreen for her lascivious actions and desires, Craigiet is still looking sullen and tortured (apart from when he is on Soapstar Superstar where he looks cute and lovely).

In other Webster-related news, Serphie is being bullied do to a Severe Lack of Norks. Hayley manufactures her a padded bra with skills she learned in her transformation days. Serphie is a first none to chuffed at the idea that Hayley could understand her problems, but Hayley says "There was no-one more flat chested than me, due to being a bloke and all that", and Serphie realises that if the miraculous bra could make a fella have yaps then it must be a good one. All is happy in Webster Towers, I have a feeling it won't last...

Mike has become like the king of the Rohirrim in Lord of the Rings when he was in the control of Saruman and his own henchman, except Mike is under the control of his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease and EvilBradley, but you get my drift. Mike throws Penny out for reasons I cannot remember (maybe it's catching), he then throws Adam out after EvilBradley uses his Malevolent Cockney Charm to convince him they are having an affair. Mike then says that he is going to write to Mark, his 27th, son to try and "sort things out", EvilBradley says "I'll post it for you mwahahahahaha!", he then symbolically screws it up and once again goes "Mwahahahahaha!". I'm assuming that GoodBradley is frozen in some Ice somewhere and that him and EvilBradley will battle it out in a scrapyard at some point, like that scene in Superman 3. EvilBradley does begin to feel guilty about what he is doing bu Lady McLeanne tells him to carry on, my wife reckons that it was Frankiwe that curbed this more horrible streak in Bradley and now he is without her it is running free. She may be right, or it may be that the scriptwriters are just being lazy and changing his character, you decide.

All is not well at Casa Carp. Ugliest Teenager Ever David, is stropping around and generally not being very nice to anyone, especially Phil. Whilst Gail is out they have a row over National Geographic Channel vs MTV2, Phil flips and picks David up and puts him against the wall, David looks terrified and surprisingly less ugly when vulnerable. Phil suddely catches himself on and puts him down, David says "ooooooooooooooo, you've done it now mister! When I tell my mum your haggis munching arse will be out of that door quicker than you can say Glenmorangie!". On Gail's return Phil says "I just shouted at him a bit that's all", Gail believes him and has a chat with David. David goes mad and says "I knew you wouldn't believe me, all you care about is getting backscuttled on a regular basis and not about ME!" Gail cuffs him one and David runs upstairs. Gail & Phil then settle down to watch Happy Families on the telly over a glass of wine whilst David looks through the bars on the stairs like some demented, bewigged John Malkovich.

Jason and Eileen have a row about Sarah, Jason threatens to leave, Eileen deosn't want to lose another son, especially one that stands a chance of giving her Grandkids, so becomes more accomodating with Sarah.

Emily has met a bloke called Ed at a Christian Indoctrination Cult Bible Group or somewhere, he seems very nice and is also making moves on Eileen. All will soon turn to shite soon though for Emily, I won't put the spoiler in here, if you want it then ask for it in the comments.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Maria waxes Tyrone. Oh how we didn't laugh.
BONG! The Barlows have a dog. It doesn't like Ken. Hilarity* as he ties to befriend it.
BONG! Liz & Vernon off on Cruise
BONG! Fred. Not gone on cruise. Tedious "we fancy each other but can't tell each other" storyline alert!!

* Utterly tedious and painful shite

It's Christmas Time, there's every need to be afraid.

The Baldwin Clan (minus Wurzel and Frankie, but plus Leanne) go to The Ubiquitous Clock for Christmas dinner, also in attendance is Sue Ellen with Tony Slattery, but on a separate table obviously. She later becomes very drunk natch and then starts having a go at Bradley, until the phone Wirzel, who turns up with Frankie to take the poor pissed-up wretch home. Bradley and McBaldwin are continuing to snipe at one another, in a very boring manner, then Bradleys mum turns up, I can't remember her name but she used to be in Eldorado. Anyway, Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind kicks into overdrive and he asks where Harry is, cue slack-jawed looks from around the table, Bradley says "erm, he's dead Michael", Mike looks like a confused terrapin. he later leaves to go for "a walk" and is found by Wurzel in a foetal position outside the factory gently rocking backwards & forwards and weeping like a baby at bedtime. He says "I'm losing my mind", Wurzel says "No you're not". Mike says "But I forgot my own brother was dead". Wurzel says "What? You are totally gone mate, erm I mean you're just tired, now let's get you home and into a nappy". Mike now sees Wurzel as his saviour, and has put his number in his phone for emergencies. I predict that there are going to be Will-rigging shenanegins and Mike will spite them all by leaving everything to Wurzel, you read it here first. Disturbingly, I've started liking Wurzel recently, can I get a tablet for this or something? There is much more forgetting stuff that happens, including Proposing to Penny and then forgetting, but I'm sure you've got the gist now haven't you...

Steve and Ronnie end up at the Barlow's for christmas dinner leading to a frankly hilarious board-game scene that I would not do justice recounting here.

Sue Ellen has fallen off the wagon and into a giant vat of vodka and bitterness. She is upset that Jamie seems to like Frankie, we of course know that he fancies the pants off her. She takes every opportunity to have a go at Frankie to Jamie, in order to turn him to the dark side, he however is not listening and fantasising about Frankie's boobs. Frankie spends New Year's Eve with Nathan, flirting and generally having a good time, she kisses Jamie at midnight and he undoubtedly gets a semi-on, but it goes no further. He later ends up doing a runner for some reason, I must admit I missed this episode, so anyone who can fill in the blanks, feel free.

Rersio and Craig-iet is continuing apace, with the star-crossed lovers of Weatherfield bang at it and heavy on it. On New Year's Eve they spend the night in Keith's house, Rersio wearing a very lovely dress in my opinion, and end up making the sex after Craigiet tells her that he "worships her". Only teenagers could think that was good, an adult's Freak Alarm would be triggered immediately by someone saying that. Anyway, Sally catches them in bed and has a fit of Victorian style moral outrage about it and locks poor Rersio in the tower. Kevin shouts with a confused look on his face as per and threates "pastings" and the like. It seems a slightly hysterical reaction for Sally to be honest, yes they are underage but 1) they think they loove each other and therefore are giving their virg to someone very special, 2) they bagged up. In this day and age it's the best you can hope for I reckon. Sally then spends the rest of the week being in ans Extreme State of Rage and everybody in the whole world, especially after she fidns out Keith and Audrey knew about it, but were probably too busy making the sex themselves to care (ewwww!). Silly cow.

Also on NYE, Deirdre insists her and Ken go out and that Tracy must babysit for her own daughter. Tracy: not happy. Later on Darth Builder pops round and persuades Tracy to go to his place for spot of festive micturition, why she didn't invite him in I don't know, probably worried about the couch stinking of piss. Anyway she leaves Amy in BABY HOME ALONE SHOCKER! She returns later and all is well. I can only guess this will now be a regular occurence, until about mid Feb, when Amy will get out of her cot and try to cook chips and set the chip-pan on fire, which in the real world would then lead to care proceedings, but in Soap world will lead to Amy simply being given to Steve. ken and Deirdre return home after a vomit-inducing conversation about an "early night and a big bed" to find Amy and Tracy all snuggled on the sofa. Tracy is shaping up into a pretty good villain actually and her and Charlie are a great pairing.


In other Christmas news (abbreviated):
BONG! Les, Cilla. non-comedy borken cooker, deep fry dinner in chippy, chippy burnt down.
BONG! Clurr. Pregnant.
BONG! Fred & Bev. A couple - nearly.
BONG! Sean. wants babies. Violet, willing to be his breeding sow.
BONG! Ronnie, nicks £5k from Taxilord. Sees him in prison. Steve in danger.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

A very Happy New Year to all readers and I wish you and yours all the very best for 2006. Thanks for reading my ranting scrawls, and thanks for your lovely comments in 2005.

I will be updating sometime this week when my headache clears...