The End of the Affair

The World's Least Interesting Affair is now in the open since FatRipley came home and found Leanne and Bradley Walsh heavy petting on the sofa, something for which they would of course be thrown out of the swimming baths, along with running, smoking and the most heinous of crimes: bombing. FatRipley is giving it the large one in the factory, being lippy and lazy, Danny is about to say something but is given a "Bollock me and I'll have your bollocks, or your wife will" look. Cowed, Bradley returns to his office and later tells Leanne to tell FatRipley to pack it in, Leanne laughs and says "She's only having a laugh, you crinkly old comedian you". Anyway, it all becomes too much for Bradley who decides that they have to split up. Leanne is all "Am I bovvered", but it is obvious that inside her heart is splintered into a thousand pieces. Her mood is lifted however when Bradley suggests they go to a special hotel, for a special night of special sexualness. Christ, imagine that crinkly face and white teeth bearing down on you...

In order to facilitate Bradley's Burnage Bonking Bonanza he sends Wurzel to Amshterdam, however on the day the van breaks down and so Wurzel spends the afternoon getting frisky with Leanne. Two blokes in one day for her then, nice. As they lie in the afterglow of their love Wurzel ends up proposing, producing some of Elizabeth Duke's finest in the process, Leanne accepts, and also agrees to go to Amshterdam with him for a Leerdammer fuelled sexfest. She rings Bradley to tell him it's off, leaving a message in the answerphone, then promptly leaves her phone behind with Frankie. Ruh-Roh!

Later, Bradley is in the hotel room awaiting his quarry, he checks his messages and then phones Leanne's mobile. Leanne's mobile rings and is accompanied by a photo of Bradley in the knacker on the screen and the name "Bradley (the one who has been having sex with me for a number of months)", Not exaclty one of the greatest criminal minds is Leanne. Frankie looks puzzled and chooses to answer it in a Leanne voice, Bradley says "Where are you? I'm stood here with a hard on and nowhere to put it, and it's no use playing hard to get because I know and you know that you are a slag". Frankie says, "erm Bradley, it's me". Bradley puts the phone down and says nothing, but you can see on his face that something inside him has just fallen on its side. Frankie: heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Eileen has a date with Phil and later gloats to Gail that he is not interested in her and that her family are just another family of freaks for his thesis. Gail, being the grown up that she is, then goes and kicks Phil out in a fit of pubescent rage just as Sarah is about to open up to him. Well done Carpy, top marks for perspective and maturity there. Phil later tries to make amends with Gail, Sarah attempts to rebuff him but as he knocks on the door Gail's eyes widen and her mouth gloops ecstatically in spite of Sarah's protests about the fact that he is a bit of a shit and all that. Phil weaves his Caledonian Silver Tongued Majic on her and also destroys the interview tapes to show he really wants her as more than an interviewee, Gail is happy and they agree to start again. Erm Gail, there are things called tape recorders in this world, they can make copies of tapes, might be worth bearing that in mind.

Later Eileen tries to build bridges (after being blanked by Phil) by telling Gail that they've both been duped by an improbable character, but when Phil comes to meet Gail at that point she throws Eileen a "Have that you bitch!" look. Right can we dump the slow plotting now and just move to the bit where Eileen beats Gail's face repeatedly with a coal shovel? I'm sure that would make us all a lot happier.

Violet and Jason go out for a big clubbing session (the dancing type, not the baby seal type), which is the first time I can remember any of the young characters going out properly at all by the way. Once bladdered, Violet is again overcome with the weight of guilt re the Darth Snogging, telling Shelley obviously was not enough to purge her fetid soul so now she must face Jason. She tells him that what he is about to hear will shock and horrify him, but he is still too pilled off his box giddy from his night out to listen to her, until she tells him the full awful truth that is. Jason is not happy, he cannot believe that she would be so stupid to remove the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus let Darth in for the snog, so he orders her to sleep on the couch.

Next day Jason jacks his job in because he cannot work for such an evil man, I mean it was OK when Darth was weeing everyone else's women, but not his woman. Violet moves in with Shelley as they share the bond of having being turned to the dark side, they no doubt go in the back room put "I Will Survive" on and drink Lambrini. Sean tries to get Jason to talk to Violet, Jason isn't in the mood to take advice from the resident wrongmo, however Shelley puts a dent in his Armour of Outrage, so all is not lost.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Cilla, wedding dress, non-comedy shenanegins
BONG! Martin, mascot love. Kill. me. now.
BONG! Liz, bicycle bakery deliveries, more non-comedy
BONG! Diggory, will someone please kill him (that's a request, not news)
BONG! Nathan, foils garage scam, of little consequence
BONG! Streetcars, new driver, woman for Steve
BONG! Kelly, Lloyd, another woman, no-one cares.

Down, Down, the Quality's Down

Status Quo turn up in the Rovers in a not all silly, pointless and far fetched manner. Turns out that Francis, the one with dark hair, has had to wear a neck brace for years because some Ginger Mancunian jumped on him 20 years ago on stage. Knowing that he is probably not referring to Paul Scholes we must assume that this will end up being Les, oh my sides. Chesney rushes to tell Les that his all time favourite band of all time are in the pub, but he will not believe him. To cut a pointlessly hour long episode short, Les eventually believes it and runs out to the pub clutching all his albums to get them signed, albums such as "They All Sound the Same", "They All Sound the Same, except this one's got a slow one on it" and "The One About Being in the Army that Was a Minor hit in the 80s". The Quo are about to to drive off when Francis spots Les and realises that Les is the man who hurt his neck in days of Rock n Roll yore, surprise sur-fucking-prise. Francis chins Les, as does Rick, leaving him Reelin' All Over the Floor. (Can you see what I did there?)

Cilla smells blood, money smeeling blood, that is in fact money and not blood at all, as the chance for a "compo" claim looms large. Solicitors take one look at her and won't take the case on "Look love, you are a totally unconvincing, two dimensional, pantomime villain type of character, therefore you will have about as much credibility in court as you have with the audience of this show". Cilla: angry but undeterred. On returning to the pub Kirk shows them his latest pap photos, it's a photo of the fight = evidence! Thankfully there were no topless shots of Fiz, I'd just had my tea. Les and his Ex Brookside Solicitor go to see the Quo solicitor, who surprisingly is aged about 13. There is much fencing and posturing until the photos are produced, Quo Solicitor the Younger realises the game is up and says "ok Les, let's talk turkey, then I can get back to playing Crack Whore Rape Massacre on my PS2".

Les later struts into the pub with the air of a man who has achieved something great, Cilla and Yana have been shopping and are talking about what it is like to be rich. Les confesses that the Quo Adolescent Lawyer offered him £500, 000, but instead Les took the alternative offer of having the Quo play at the wedding. Cilla "Why did you do that for?" Les "Because it's Status Quo's 40th Anniversary and they are being crowbarred into this plot for no good reason". Cilla chins him, the nation wants to chin the producer and writers.

After a quiet few weeks, Gailzilla Vs Eileenatron is warming up again, they must have switched promoters to Don King from Frank Warren or something. Phil goes around to Gail's house to talk about Evil Richard Hillman, Gail tells of the full horror she encountered: plot too long, Richard's hair, his hilariously unconvincing evil stare, seeing David tied up was actually quite funny, the full works. This makes her feel better, and to reinforce this Phil maithers with her feet for a bit and she nods off to dream beautiful Carp dreams about fat worms and Boilie bait. Gail liked the experience so much that she recommends it to Sarah who is unsure, "The thing is mum, I have deep emotional wounds which strangely enough I don't think can be healed by talking to some foot fetishist with an unhealthy interest in murder and Carp-like women."

Sean manages to convince Phil to have a date with Eileen, so all is not lost for the nations' favourite taxi lady. C'mon Eileen!

Kelly asks Lloyd to come to a concert with her, he can't go as it is darts night, she then finds out it isn't. He is non too keen to tell her the real reason, probably because it is teeth-scrapingly boring.

Leanne and Bradley Walsh are back making the beast with two backs with a vengeance, FatRipley is aware that Leanne is having an affair, but she does not know who with. I'll save you the pain of having to sit through an hour of this drivel by informing you that FatRipley catches them together in the flat and pulls the smuggest face in smugville, which strangely still has her resembling a cave troll, a smug cave troll, but still a cave troll. Bradley jumps up and tries to explain everything in a way that Renee from Allo Allo would be proud of. Bradley leaves, and Janice comes over all "You are going to hell, even I wouldn't shag my bloke's dad." That's because you probably look like him too much Jan.


In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, other mascot is a lady, possible romance. For. Fuck's. Sake.
BONG! Liz, working in bakery
BONG! erm, that's it.

Going to the Chapel and we're (NOT) going to get married.

At last it is here, the climax of what seems like the last 18 years of our lives as the longest storyline ever comes to an end in a church, which frankly is the best place for most things to end such as lives, friendships and young catholic boys' innocence.

It is the night before the Wedding of Cataclysmic Fulfilment, and Darth has said that Shelley must not see Dr Finchy anymore, Shelley being weak willed (or is she?!) as usual caves in. When Dr Finchy comes around she tells him "I'm cured now and everything, peep, jibber, so I don't need to see you anymore, here come the lobsters, RUN!". Not wholly convinced Finchy asks, "Is this you that's decided this Shelley?", Shelley "Oh yes, me and only me, gottle of geer, gottle of geer". Darth looks upon his works and is joyful, so joyful that he goes off on his stag do, picks up a blond woman and no doubt wees on her.

Shelley is alone the night before her wedding, Violet pops upstairs and tells her to pop downstairs, she enters the living room to hear "Suprise!" from all her friends. Good plan guys, this woman has been terrified of her own shadow for 6 months so you decide to frighten the shits out of her. Anyway during said impromptu hen night Violet tells Shelley of that fateful night when she foolishly removed the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus invited the Dark Side unto her bosom. Shelley: Not impressed. Violet: Purged

It is the morning of the wedding and Darth has not returned from his Night of Blond Urinary Adventure. Jason is worried, but not as worried as I am about the fact that he appears to be sporting a tie made from genuine Mr Blobby hide.

Shelley is all alone on the morning of her wedding, but Dr Finchy turns up with a wedding card which surely pushes the bounds of professional ethics into the outer regions of the galaxy. He tells her that she must complete her training and that powerful the dark side is, and to rush to face Darth would be a mistake. Shelley just jabbers on about walking down the aisle in front of all those people (looking like something from the DFS sale if the dress is anything to go by).

Outside the church Shelley hesitates in the car, Fred tells her that as long as it's what she wants then he'll be with her every step of the way, Shelley psychs herself up "I can do this I can, llllllllllet's get ready toooooo rrrrrrrrrrummmble". On reaching th'altar, she thanks Darth for coming (really) and the ceremony kicks off. It is all going swimmingly until the Vicar asks if Shelley will honour, obey, and take wee wee? "Nay, Nay and thrice Nay" she says. The crowd gasp, Darth's face crumples into the expressive embodiment of pure evil and rage, the nation organise an open top bus celebration down Deansgate because it is finally over.

Or is it?! Darth chases Shelley out of the church, chucks her in the Bonnie & Clydemobile and drives off to the back of abandoned warehouse, how very Sweeney. He gets in the back of the car and for a horrible minute I thought we were going to see a pre-watershed re-enactment of the scene from Once Upon a Time In America with Robert De Niro and Elizabeth McGovern in the back of a very similar car. Thankfully he just wants to try and cow her again and the conversation loosely goes:

Darth: "But you control me I paid for everything remember?"
Shell: "But you weed on me all the time and i was alone on my wedding morning and people have started calling me Mrs Pissy Smell. But now I have the power"
Darth: "No you haven't, you'll come crawling back to me and my gross misogyny"
Shell: "Not this time Darth, you struck me down but I have become more powerful than you can ever imagine. You're just like Peter, except you can act a bit."

Flush with her triumph and confidence, Shelley gets out of the car struts down the street, opening scenes of Saturday Night Fever style, to a phone box. She phones Dr Finchy, he then says congratulations to her, she says that she didn't get married, he is chuffed, she wants to continue the sessions, he is double chuffed.

Darth retires to the ale house with Jason (still wearing Blobby), he lays down his theory of where it all went wrong. "It was Dr Finchy's fault, and I hired him and now look what's happened!". Frankly Darth, serves you right for being so stupid as to hire a pychologist who can throw a shoe over a pub, you were always onto a loser with that one. Darth then tells a short story about how his dad was treated badly by a female of the species and always to ld him to keep women at arms length. If that was the writers' attempt to expalin Darth's character then it was ridiculous, tagged on and frankly pathetic.

Jason leaves looking confused as usual. Darth sees his blond conquest from the night before, she offers to be his potty for the evening, he calls her a slut. Charming to the last. Shelley returns to the pub, Bev tells the pub ambiguously "She's Back!" see what she did there? They cheer, they clap, they cry. Cake us cut, case is closed. Thank fuck for that. NEXT!

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Keith decide to look at Alfeh's old stuff in the garage, they find a camera that has film in it and decide to develop it. mmmmmm. When developed it is of the Grocers DebaucheryFest in Blackpool or something, Audrey was never allowed to go as it was a boys' thing, like power tools and masturbating. They find a photo of him and Rita together, ruh-roh!! Much falling out occurs but then they work out that it was a double exposure and in fact it was photo of Rita in her living room overlapped with one of Alfeh and he must have taken a photo of Rita without winding it on. Rita then mounts the tallest high horse in the kingdon and rides it to the highest moral high ground in all the land and says "Audrey, I can understand how you might think it of me as I was a singer and slag in my younger days, but to think that of Alf well you have shat all over his memory". Audrey: ashamed. It does beg the question, what was he doing taking photos of Rita in her living though doesn't it? But the scriptwriters have decided to wind it up there thankfully.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, mascot race. Kill. Me. Now
BONG! The Canine Triangle continues
BONG! Chesney sees Sally in the bud, Les tells everyone
BONG! Norris, no job, junior partnership in Kabin