Eye of the (Blind) Tiger

Corrie is continuing this season's theme of "shit", this week. However, shit is a relative term and compared to the other soap this week, Corrie's shit is actually good, if you follow me. I mean really EastEnders, do you not remember what happened to the last soap that tried to include lesbianism and gangsters? Here's a hint. Anyway I digress....

Tracy has decided to be horrible to Clurr, we are not told why, it seems to have just come from nowhere without explanation or backstory, like David Cameron. It begins with her making comments about Clurr having no friends, moves through a row in the Rovers and ends up with Ashley in hospital. If none of this interests you I suggests you miss this section, I unfortunately cannot as I have a duty to my public, who are probably already skipping this section....

Clurr gives Tracy a taxi ride home, Tracy refuses to pay as Steve is to blame for everything and so she should get free taxis. Little Amy has a cough and Clurr points out that it sounds nasty and that her friend's kid had a cough that turned into the Bubonic Plague or something. Tracy says "I'm sorry", Clurr says "Oh she's ok now", Tracy says, "No I'm sorry because I didn't think you had any friends." With wit like this around I bit Eddie Izzard is shitting himself. Anyway, later Ashley and Nathan are in the pub and the ladies turn up there is another row in which nasty things are said etc etc blah blah.

Next day, Nathan and Ashley meet up for their weekly homo-erotic sweating boxing session. Ashley tells Nathan that Tracy is an evil person with too many teeth, and is a character of limited consequence and importance in the current plotting, she however serves as an evil presence as a juxtaposition against the wholesome nature of the rest of the characters, and is also used to cause occasional stupid plots like this one that is about to happen. Nathan says she was "only having laugh". Ashley won't let it go, and continues "the good/evil dichotomy has been used in storytelling since the beginning of the written word, but was popularised more recently in the Star Wars films, with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Tracy, by the way, has teeth like Darth Vader's mask grill". Nathan has heard enough and smacks him one. He then shouts, "I told you not to push me! I fundamentally disagree with your analysis of the history of drama and the role played by good/evil, AND, Tracy is my bird!" Nathan then goes into the changing room and savagely beats the locker up. What does this tell us about him I wonder? Ashley is left crumpled on the floor like some squeaky voiced draught excluder.

Nathan later confesses to being a former criminal with anger issues to Kevin, Kevin says, "But growing up black in thatLondon you have to be a criminal don't you?". Nathan confesses to actually being a middle class lad who went off the rails. Fair play to Corrie, it would have been easy to have had him come from Stonebridge or Tower Hamlets, but at least they changed stereotype a bit.

Upshot of it all is that Ashley might be blind in one eye, I am impressed at how very little I care.


Bradley has set his sights on winning Frankie back as it is their anniversary, so he has activated the "overdrive" function on hi s "Cheeky Mockney Charm" machine. He releases a giant balloon off the top of the factory with "I love you" on it, she goes mad and says it has done nothing but embarrass her, however her eyes tell a different story.... He later pops round to work some more cheeky magic on her, she is jsut about to cave in when Wurzel and Liz Taylorette come in. Wurzel gets all "Grrrr, Smash!" and throws Bradley out, then chins him and lays him out. Fair play, hitting those gnashers must've hurt his hand. Bradley's advances are thwarted, but for how long? In other Baldwin related news, Mike is getting more forgetful and has forgot to bank a cheque that he forgot he was given. I hope he does this nearer Christmas and then the local rich man can foreclose on the business, then Bradley will try and top himself before being shown what life would be like had he never existed by his Guardian Angel - "there was no 5th series of Wheel Of Fortune Bradley, you were not around to present it.." Anyway all further evidence of Mike's creeping Alzheimer's.

The Jason/Violet/Sarah Triangle of Horn has ended as it is in the open now. Violet is upset with Sean for not telling her the TRUTH, she later finds out that Eileen also knew the TRUTH. She has to seek solace with Sunita and Shelley, past masters at the finding out of the TRUTH. Sarah now wants them to be a proper couple, Jason has a look in his eyes that suggests that he'd rather boil his own head, but agrees anyway as he is a builder of very little brain.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Trademan's Ball, Fred, Diggory, trying to find women to take
BONG! Kirk, Fiz, sorting stuff out. Molly: plotting
BONG! Les, Cilla, now properly married. Oh how we laughed (by "we" I mean "no-one")

I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.

Can I first say that having looked into it I can confirm that this is the worst week of Corrie since records began, even worse than the Spider/Emily/Red Rec debacle. I can also confirm that Ernest Bishop is alive and well, my Uncle saw him playing guitar for Bob Dylan at the MEN Arena last week.

Sunita has sought the counsel of Shelley in her hour of need, who incidentally seems to have recovered from a 2 year mental mauling in the space of two weeks, without so much as one additional session with Dr Finchy. Way to go writers, confirming the stereotype that overcoming mental illness is simply a matter of "pulling youself together" and "getting real". Anyway, whilst she is there the Devmeister turns up in a fit of randomly shouted emotional turmoil and rage. "ThIS alL happENED YEarS AGO!" he semi-bellows "Don't puNISH Me fOR IT NoW!!", Sunita suggests he tells his Harem of Improbabilty his woes as she is in the not caring zone, and also she is going to abort his precious babies. Dev cries "NooOOOOoo, not the PREcious!" and runs form the Rovers.

Later Sunita goes around to see Dev in the Office and he does that thing all blokes do and offers her a seat and to make her a cup of tea and other things, it's as if we think that they will be so blinded by us being nice to them that they will forget the fact that we have splintered their heart into a thousand pieces. Sunita says, "Don't bother, I only came round to tell you not to come to the Rivers again, ever." Dev says "bUT we'RE talKING NOw aren't WE?", but Sunita has already left. She also at some point admits she is not having an abortion. I hopes she does, then Corrie could have a stab at The Godfather,Part 2:

"Oh Dev you are so blind"
"What do you mean?"
"I had an abortion Dev, and it was a son Dev, a son! But I did it because all this must stop, all this Indian, Random shouting THING has to stop!"

It would be worth it just to see Dev attempt Al Pacino intensity. I imagine it would involve shouting, randomly.

There is much more of this sort of stuff, but basically Sunita is applying for a Divorce because it is OVER, and Dev is crying over cots and baby things. Tracy winds Dev up about the whole thing and Deirdre is sympathetic and consoling to him. Great, that's all we need, the image of those two making the sex in addition to the Gail/Phil montage in our already poisoned minds. It's like visiting www.totalmingersdoingthesex.com/middle_aged

Mercifully the only sexual action coming from Casa Carp this week is from Sarah and Jason. He is working round there and she is once again making all kids of innuendo at all times, like popping home from the slaon at lunchtime to make him a sandwich, a vagina sandwich with extra boobie" or something, probably. Gail nearly catches them snogging and asks why Sarah is home, " I just came home to sit on Jason's jackhammer get some lunch" she innocently says, the minx. All of this eventually culminates in them having the sex upstairs a couple of days later, however David catches them and his ugly face breaks into and Ugly smirk.

David then decides to blackmail Jason in order to get money for Vodka Ice and Creme de Menthe. Jason pays up as he wants his Triangle of Horn to continue, but later changes his mind when David demands more money for some Laophraig 20 year Single Malt and a kebab, frustrated David attacks him but Jason holds off hid puny teenage attack with his strong "I can do it with 2 girls at once" arms. Gail later finds out, David tells her Jason started it, police called, yadda yadda. NEXT!

Liz Taylorette has hit rock bottom, has faced up to being an alcy abnd has checked into THe Wurzel Clinic. She spends most of the week doing a seemingly poor impression of Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, the scriptwriters for some reason seem to think we care.

The Gothettes are trying to convert the whole of Weatherfield to vegetarianism. They are hatching plans left right and centre, firstly blockading Fred's shop until they are told to stop. There is a great moment as they discuss their next plans when the teenage boy in Craig takes over his principles and he says "can we just pack all this in and go for a snog?" Brilliant. They then get the pig on a lead for some reason and take him around the street. The words bottom, barrel, and scraping come to mind.

In other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Fiz, Kirk, Molly. to shit to even recap
BONG! Tracy, Nathan, can't make the sex, shit who cares?

Dev and Debacle

Apropos of nothing, after being out of the main plotting for about 6 months, Dev and Sunita have floated to the top of the Corrie pile this week like a turd in a Royal Doulton. And, just like you can't polish a turd, you cannot polish this storyline in any way. Here goes.

One of Dev's workers, Ravinder, has splintered her fetlock or something, and so her teenage female offspring, Amber, must come and stay at Dev and Sunitas' place. Dev is not happy and enganges in plenty of RANdom sHOUTing about the whole thing. This seems odd, but all will soon become clear, it won't make any sense mind you but it will become clear. Sunita takes Amber back to her flat to await the return of Ravinder and spies a picture of Dev, looking just like Lou Bega of Mambo Number 5 fame, with Ravinder on the fridge. Sunita looks perplexed, and later questions Dev about it who says, "Photo? eh? look over there!" and runs off.

Unhappy with such a response Sunita goes to see Ravinder on the Fetlockology Ward to demand The Truth! Ravinder says "You can't handle the truth! But ask Dev anyway not me". Sunita insists and she confesses that Amber is indeed Dev's child, she then adds "and you might want to have a word with the woman who works in Gorton, oh and the woman who works in Radcliffe, oh and I've got another kid with him as well. But don't worry about the Wigan shop, even Dev wouldn't stoop that low". Sunita: the 5th person in a month to have her heart broken into a thousand betrayed pieces.

Sunita confronts Dev about the Harem of Improbability and he randomly shouts "I was GOIng to TELL you bUT onLY after THe bABIes were born, and ANYWAy hOW was I to KNOW thaT the wRITERS would come up WITH someTHing so bloody STUPID?!" Sunita is having none of it and tells him that it is all over etc etc, liar yadda yadda. In the end some other woman walks in with a baby that is Dev's and Sunita weeps the tears of the betrayed.

I like Sunita, but I cannot feel sorry for her in this, because the storyline is just far too stupid to be taken remotely seriously enough to elicit an emotional response. Shame on you Corrie, I know that Dev Actor Man made it impossible to keep him in the show, but really is this the best you can do? Or is it Sunita that is leaving? Either way it was shite, NEXT!


There is obviously something in the water at Casa Carp as Gail and Sarah are clearly on heat. Sarah is going for Jason in a ruthless manner, making him come round to check the lighting and saying things like "ooh it's high voltage, you'll get a shock with what I can do" and "can you please put your lump hammer right up my foof" or words to that affect anyway. Jason is resisting at the moment, but it is making him feel bad and his poor puny brain cannot cope with it and he is making strange with Violet as a result. Jason: Horny but trying. Sarah: strumpet.

I'm sorry to have to recap what Gail & Phil have been up to as I am sure we have all had enough sleepless nights over it already, but I must try to be professional and give and account. Since Martin has gone to Liverpool with his loopy missus, David has pointed out to Gail that she is a sad act who is all alone and all that. Gail inexplicably takes his advice on board rather than pasting him and sending him to his room, and contacts Phil again. They go out to the Pizza Place, and Phis says, "I'm not ordering food until you tell me what's going on!"
"Well, David told me I need to help myself a bit more"
"Which means?"
"I want your caber in my foof"
Phil pours the wine faster than you can say french letter.

They get back to the house and Gail invites him in for coffee, and they make some more innuendo about being up all night. The nation as one grip their sickbags tighter. They go inside and start licking each other's faces as at every home in the land the vomit flows....

Next day Gail has her simpering face on as she tells her mother and daughter about the fabulous seeing to she had the night before. I repeat that this is to her mother and daughter. Audrey is pleased for her, Sarah decides to recdouble her efforts with Jason as being beaten at sex by your carpfaced mother is a poor show.


Janice is stirring it in the factory as the workforce now know about the true nature Bradley's parentage due to McBarlow telling them. Sean in fact even calls him McBarlow at one point which was cool, maybe he's a fan of the blog. Bradley attacks McBarlow who has the smuggest smirk on his face ever and the fight is broken up. Janice's Metal Mickey-like head has a satisfied look upon it and at this point I could quite easily sanction a hitman to kill both her and McBarlow without losing any sleep, not including what I'm already losing thinking about Gail's orgasm face obviously.

In other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Lloyd, Kelly, other woman, no I don't care either
BONG! Websters, something about new trainers
BONG! Liz Taylorette, sober, Janice, kicks her off the wagon. janice: EVIL