First of all apologies for missing the update last week and being late with this one, I have had little boy in hospital issues to deal with and have also had to build another website in my spare time for the band I am in (www.blackstaronline.co.uk for anyone who is interested).
Another cheque has gone missing or something and Mike is blaming everyone else as per. He instigates a regime of Tenko style searching on the ladies in the factory, demanding they empty their bags, pockets and internal body cavities before leaving. Everyone accepts this except Hayley, who is no doubt wondering how anyone could search her foof as it is an inside-out clacker, and she refuses to be searched on a Matter of Trust . Mike insists, then in the end sacks her. The amount of Employment & Human Rights Law broken in that exchange is staggering by the way. Hayley tries to rally the troops around for a strike, but they all make excuses about being skint and Christmas coming etc. Fair enough everyone else maybe, bt for Janice to refuse is well out of order after Hayley dragged everyone out on strike for her. Mind you, I'm forgetting that Janice is a disgusting human being and so I should expect no more really.
Next day in the pub, Mike demands to know why Hayley was not at work this morning, Hayley says "Because you sacked me, you menc". "No I never" replies Mike, "You must have misunderstood". Hayley, glad to get her job back, says fair enough. Stupidly everyone else says Ok as well. Sack someone in a fit of temper one day, forget it happened the next day and no-one bats an eyelid - how very realistic. On and they find the cheque in the end, as if we cared. Bradley has enough of it all, between McBarlow's shit acting and Mike Amazing Forgetting Mind he can see the factory going to the dogs. He sits in his armchair sipping whisky and making noises about "taking what is his" and "putting an end to it". Bradley: scheming. The Nation: soporific.
Phil's flat has flooded so he has to move in to Casa Carp for the Festive period. Mother of the Year Gail agrees to this without even a mention to David - that's confused, angry, unhappy, jealous, borderline alcoholic David - well done Gail. Amazingly David is not happy about it and thinks that Phil is lying about his flat being flooded. He is later arrested by the cops for hanging around the flat and being far too ugly to be seen in public. On his return Phil kicks off about how David is a criminal and the Police got their just in time before he started his one boy destruction spree. Gail remembers that she has a son for a minute and defends him, maybe next time she will try talking to him in the first place, instead of simply making that awful simpering face every time Phil speaks. Gail says what would he know anyway as he doesn't havfe any kids, or does he? It is the second time in a week that she has said this and for the second time Phil looked wistfully into the distance like a contemplative Wolfhound.
The Sex-o-matic Plague has spread from Casa Carp to next door this week it would seem. Keith and Audrey go for a drink and they end up tipsy (and frisky!), Keith says Audrey can stay over and she looks a bit concerned, he apologises profusely for his wanton desire. She says "Never mind that, get your Farah's off you Sheffield love machine!" and they lick each other faces. Ewwwww! Next morning, they are awkward and Blanche spots Audrey leaving in "yesterday's Lilac jumper". Later in the pub K&A proudly announce that "We have nothing to be ashamed of, I gave this woman a jolly good seeing to last night, anyone got a problem with it?". No-one could speak as they were all concentrating on not throwing up.
Rersie and Craig are to attend the Posh School Ball for Posh Kids together, Sally buys a balck dress for Rersie that is minging in a major way, Serphie deals ewith it Pretty in Pink stylee by creating her own design for it. It mostly involves ripping it. She comes down looking like a much more attractive Siousxie Sioux. Sally: not happy. Rersie: "Whatever". Craig turns up looking like Edward Scissorhands. Rersie's friend turns up and says "My up two look absolutely aces, pip pip, my mummy bought me this boring thing, ra ra, jolly hockey sticks". Sally is then happy, because a teenager whose family happen to have money likes what her daughter is wearing. Sally: a stupid, stupid cow. After the ball, R&C end up doing the sex, Goth version, which probably involves putting on Temple of Love and keeping a angry face throughout. In the morning Craig wants to shout their love from the rooftops of Weatherfield, Rersie is less keen, what with her mum not being in chokey there is a high possibililty she might kill her if she hears and put herself there. Poor Craig is crestfallen, as he loves Rersie and has no-one else other than his tight grandad and a load of stuffed animals.
Audrey finds out and advises Rersie that she is too you for the sex, Goth version or otherwise. Rersie, says, "Just coz you and your Granddaughter got preggers don't mean I will, I'm not a stupid slapper!". At which point Sally enters, and Audrey does the decent thing and doesn't tell her, way to go Audrey! This story has been written and acted very well I think.
Speaking of plots written and acted very well, here are a few that are neither of those things:
Kelly has won some money on a scratchcard, Lloyd is advising fiscal caution, kelly want to spend it all. Somehow this leads to a row in the clock, and Kelly getting mugged. No, me neither.
Tracey and Steve are rowing over who should have Amy on Christmas Day.
Liz Taylorette has a date with her boss from the bookies, played by none other than a quite frighteningly rough looking Tony Slattery. Mind you if reports are to believed he hasn't been out of his house for 4 years so it's not suprising. Anyway, they go to the clock but it turns out that he is only going out with her to make his ex jealous. Liz T is very unhappy and nearly hits the bottle again under the pressure allied with a goading Bradley, but she doesn't. Later Eric asks her out again and she agrees.
December 22, 2005
December 06, 2005
Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn
Frankie is being told by Liz Taylorette that she must cut all ties with Bradley and make a clean break, what's her game then? Frankie for some reason takes the advice of a recovering alcoholic who hates her and tells Bradley that she wants a divorce. However she then thinks she may have made a mistake and pops round to see Bradley to give him another chance, as she realises she doens't want to end up like Liz Taylorette. She promptly catches him in the afterglow of the sex he has just had with Leanne. Ruh-roh! The thousand pieces that Frankie's heart is already in splinter into a further thousand pieces at the sight of such betrayal.
Frankie then turns to the demon drink, and proceeds to get plastered. Tracy spots a chance to be evil and invites Frankie to join her and Nathan, she then tries to set her up with Darth Builder. His eyes light up at the thought of another vulnerable woman to go wee wee on. Nathan, who obviously felt a disturbance in the force, realises that Frankie must be rescued and takes her home. Once inside Frankie passes out on the couch and Liz Taylorette leans over and says, "You sleep now, Liz will make it all better, and by better I mean unimaginably worse, YOU TEENAGE BABYSITTER SLUTWHORE!!!" . Cripes!
Next morning Wurzel gloats to Leanne that Bradley will only hurt her etc. Leanne decides that the best thing to do is to get together with him proper, Bradley agrees. Roadkill Relationship Alert! They decide they are "not bothered" what people think about them and later in the pub they sit together in a united front of not-botheredism. Wurzel and Frankie clock them and decide to leave, but bump into Bradley on the way out. He tells Frankie that Jamie had Leanne in her house earlier and that he told her she would end up a "pathetic drunken vodkawhore, just like Frankie and Liz Taylorette." Frankie: Upset. Bradley: Evil. Wurzel and Frankie go home and she calms down and they sit on the couch together saying how they mean the world to each other and would quite like to have sex, perhaps around Christmas time, for the ratings and the like. Liz overhears and pretends to hurt herself to get some attention. Passive-Aggressie and needy, not a very good cocktail in a mother Wurzel...
In other Baldwin news, Penny is worried about Mike ad his Amazing Forgetting Mind, and speaks to Bradley about it, Bradley couldn't give a shite. She also speaks to McBarlow about it, and then holds his face in her hands in and erotic and disturbing manner, for reasons I cannot as yet understand.
The Tradesman's Ball. (Warning! Includes non-comedy) Diggory pays Liz McCleavage to be his escort for the evening, nice. However, she then abandons him to hook up with Vernon, the drummer from the band, who used to be the market inspector in EastEnders, and looks a bit on the shifty side. Keith and Audrey have a row about a suit or something, I don't really know what happened as I was rendered blind by my own indifference. Fred and WBBev get on well and end up having a small face-lick at the end of the night, I've opened a book on how long it takes him to propose. Liz later sees Vernon on other dates and is all gushing and happy about how wonderful he is, this only happens in soaps when something truly awful is about to happen. Diggory also sacks her in a fit of fat and ugly jealousy.
Ashley is blind in one eye, there is an unitentionally hilarious scene where the doctor removes his eyepatch and he squeaks, "It's just blackness". Thing is I can't help feeling that if I were in the same situation I wouldn't really be bothered, I mean losing sight in one eye ain't the end of the world is it? Not like losing a leg, or a wife to an unconvincing murderer. I know he has to handle sharp knives in his work but so do pirates and they do alright with only one eye. Anyway, he spends the week being moody and full of self-pity, the nation spends the week full of apathy and boredom.
Tracy has moved from Peripheral Evil this week to larger role of Evil in the central plotting. She is cozying up with Darth and at one point offers to "share herself" with Nathan and Darth. Darth smiles and the idea of twos-up with added wee wee, Nathan however has had enough and finishes with her on the spot, calling her a "pretty girl but a vile, ugly, incosequential evil character with too many teeth". Tracy cannot believe the audacity of the man, we cannot belive it took him so long....
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Serphie, rough new cousin/friend, Sally: not happy
BONG! Chesney, sad about above development. (poor Ches)
Frankie then turns to the demon drink, and proceeds to get plastered. Tracy spots a chance to be evil and invites Frankie to join her and Nathan, she then tries to set her up with Darth Builder. His eyes light up at the thought of another vulnerable woman to go wee wee on. Nathan, who obviously felt a disturbance in the force, realises that Frankie must be rescued and takes her home. Once inside Frankie passes out on the couch and Liz Taylorette leans over and says, "You sleep now, Liz will make it all better, and by better I mean unimaginably worse, YOU TEENAGE BABYSITTER SLUTWHORE!!!" . Cripes!
Next morning Wurzel gloats to Leanne that Bradley will only hurt her etc. Leanne decides that the best thing to do is to get together with him proper, Bradley agrees. Roadkill Relationship Alert! They decide they are "not bothered" what people think about them and later in the pub they sit together in a united front of not-botheredism. Wurzel and Frankie clock them and decide to leave, but bump into Bradley on the way out. He tells Frankie that Jamie had Leanne in her house earlier and that he told her she would end up a "pathetic drunken vodkawhore, just like Frankie and Liz Taylorette." Frankie: Upset. Bradley: Evil. Wurzel and Frankie go home and she calms down and they sit on the couch together saying how they mean the world to each other and would quite like to have sex, perhaps around Christmas time, for the ratings and the like. Liz overhears and pretends to hurt herself to get some attention. Passive-Aggressie and needy, not a very good cocktail in a mother Wurzel...
In other Baldwin news, Penny is worried about Mike ad his Amazing Forgetting Mind, and speaks to Bradley about it, Bradley couldn't give a shite. She also speaks to McBarlow about it, and then holds his face in her hands in and erotic and disturbing manner, for reasons I cannot as yet understand.
The Tradesman's Ball. (Warning! Includes non-comedy) Diggory pays Liz McCleavage to be his escort for the evening, nice. However, she then abandons him to hook up with Vernon, the drummer from the band, who used to be the market inspector in EastEnders, and looks a bit on the shifty side. Keith and Audrey have a row about a suit or something, I don't really know what happened as I was rendered blind by my own indifference. Fred and WBBev get on well and end up having a small face-lick at the end of the night, I've opened a book on how long it takes him to propose. Liz later sees Vernon on other dates and is all gushing and happy about how wonderful he is, this only happens in soaps when something truly awful is about to happen. Diggory also sacks her in a fit of fat and ugly jealousy.
Ashley is blind in one eye, there is an unitentionally hilarious scene where the doctor removes his eyepatch and he squeaks, "It's just blackness". Thing is I can't help feeling that if I were in the same situation I wouldn't really be bothered, I mean losing sight in one eye ain't the end of the world is it? Not like losing a leg, or a wife to an unconvincing murderer. I know he has to handle sharp knives in his work but so do pirates and they do alright with only one eye. Anyway, he spends the week being moody and full of self-pity, the nation spends the week full of apathy and boredom.
Tracy has moved from Peripheral Evil this week to larger role of Evil in the central plotting. She is cozying up with Darth and at one point offers to "share herself" with Nathan and Darth. Darth smiles and the idea of twos-up with added wee wee, Nathan however has had enough and finishes with her on the spot, calling her a "pretty girl but a vile, ugly, incosequential evil character with too many teeth". Tracy cannot believe the audacity of the man, we cannot belive it took him so long....
In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Serphie, rough new cousin/friend, Sally: not happy
BONG! Chesney, sad about above development. (poor Ches)
November 30, 2005
Eye of the (Blind) Tiger
Corrie is continuing this season's theme of "shit", this week. However, shit is a relative term and compared to the other soap this week, Corrie's shit is actually good, if you follow me. I mean really EastEnders, do you not remember what happened to the last soap that tried to include lesbianism and gangsters? Here's a hint. Anyway I digress....
Tracy has decided to be horrible to Clurr, we are not told why, it seems to have just come from nowhere without explanation or backstory, like David Cameron. It begins with her making comments about Clurr having no friends, moves through a row in the Rovers and ends up with Ashley in hospital. If none of this interests you I suggests you miss this section, I unfortunately cannot as I have a duty to my public, who are probably already skipping this section....
Clurr gives Tracy a taxi ride home, Tracy refuses to pay as Steve is to blame for everything and so she should get free taxis. Little Amy has a cough and Clurr points out that it sounds nasty and that her friend's kid had a cough that turned into the Bubonic Plague or something. Tracy says "I'm sorry", Clurr says "Oh she's ok now", Tracy says, "No I'm sorry because I didn't think you had any friends." With wit like this around I bit Eddie Izzard is shitting himself. Anyway, later Ashley and Nathan are in the pub and the ladies turn up there is another row in which nasty things are said etc etc blah blah.
Next day, Nathan and Ashley meet up for their weeklyhomo-erotic sweating boxing session. Ashley tells Nathan that Tracy is an evil person with too many teeth, and is a character of limited consequence and importance in the current plotting, she however serves as an evil presence as a juxtaposition against the wholesome nature of the rest of the characters, and is also used to cause occasional stupid plots like this one that is about to happen. Nathan says she was "only having laugh". Ashley won't let it go, and continues "the good/evil dichotomy has been used in storytelling since the beginning of the written word, but was popularised more recently in the Star Wars films, with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Tracy, by the way, has teeth like Darth Vader's mask grill". Nathan has heard enough and smacks him one. He then shouts, "I told you not to push me! I fundamentally disagree with your analysis of the history of drama and the role played by good/evil, AND, Tracy is my bird!" Nathan then goes into the changing room and savagely beats the locker up. What does this tell us about him I wonder? Ashley is left crumpled on the floor like some squeaky voiced draught excluder.
Nathan later confesses to being a former criminal with anger issues to Kevin, Kevin says, "But growing up black in thatLondon you have to be a criminal don't you?". Nathan confesses to actually being a middle class lad who went off the rails. Fair play to Corrie, it would have been easy to have had him come from Stonebridge or Tower Hamlets, but at least they changed stereotype a bit.
Upshot of it all is that Ashley might be blind in one eye, I am impressed at how very little I care.
Bradley has set his sights on winning Frankie back as it is their anniversary, so he has activated the "overdrive" function on hi s "Cheeky Mockney Charm" machine. He releases a giant balloon off the top of the factory with "I love you" on it, she goes mad and says it has done nothing but embarrass her, however her eyes tell a different story.... He later pops round to work some more cheeky magic on her, she is jsut about to cave in when Wurzel and Liz Taylorette come in. Wurzel gets all "Grrrr, Smash!" and throws Bradley out, then chins him and lays him out. Fair play, hitting those gnashers must've hurt his hand. Bradley's advances are thwarted, but for how long? In other Baldwin related news, Mike is getting more forgetful and has forgot to bank a cheque that he forgot he was given. I hope he does this nearer Christmas and then the local rich man can foreclose on the business, then Bradley will try and top himself before being shown what life would be like had he never existed by his Guardian Angel - "there was no 5th series of Wheel Of Fortune Bradley, you were not around to present it.." Anyway all further evidence of Mike's creeping Alzheimer's.
The Jason/Violet/Sarah Triangle of Horn has ended as it is in the open now. Violet is upset with Sean for not telling her the TRUTH, she later finds out that Eileen also knew the TRUTH. She has to seek solace with Sunita and Shelley, past masters at the finding out of the TRUTH. Sarah now wants them to be a proper couple, Jason has a look in his eyes that suggests that he'd rather boil his own head, but agrees anyway as he is a builder of very little brain.
In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Trademan's Ball, Fred, Diggory, trying to find women to take
BONG! Kirk, Fiz, sorting stuff out. Molly: plotting
BONG! Les, Cilla, now properly married. Oh how we laughed (by "we" I mean "no-one")
Tracy has decided to be horrible to Clurr, we are not told why, it seems to have just come from nowhere without explanation or backstory, like David Cameron. It begins with her making comments about Clurr having no friends, moves through a row in the Rovers and ends up with Ashley in hospital. If none of this interests you I suggests you miss this section, I unfortunately cannot as I have a duty to my public, who are probably already skipping this section....
Clurr gives Tracy a taxi ride home, Tracy refuses to pay as Steve is to blame for everything and so she should get free taxis. Little Amy has a cough and Clurr points out that it sounds nasty and that her friend's kid had a cough that turned into the Bubonic Plague or something. Tracy says "I'm sorry", Clurr says "Oh she's ok now", Tracy says, "No I'm sorry because I didn't think you had any friends." With wit like this around I bit Eddie Izzard is shitting himself. Anyway, later Ashley and Nathan are in the pub and the ladies turn up there is another row in which nasty things are said etc etc blah blah.
Next day, Nathan and Ashley meet up for their weekly
Nathan later confesses to being a former criminal with anger issues to Kevin, Kevin says, "But growing up black in thatLondon you have to be a criminal don't you?". Nathan confesses to actually being a middle class lad who went off the rails. Fair play to Corrie, it would have been easy to have had him come from Stonebridge or Tower Hamlets, but at least they changed stereotype a bit.
Upshot of it all is that Ashley might be blind in one eye, I am impressed at how very little I care.
Bradley has set his sights on winning Frankie back as it is their anniversary, so he has activated the "overdrive" function on hi s "Cheeky Mockney Charm" machine. He releases a giant balloon off the top of the factory with "I love you" on it, she goes mad and says it has done nothing but embarrass her, however her eyes tell a different story.... He later pops round to work some more cheeky magic on her, she is jsut about to cave in when Wurzel and Liz Taylorette come in. Wurzel gets all "Grrrr, Smash!" and throws Bradley out, then chins him and lays him out. Fair play, hitting those gnashers must've hurt his hand. Bradley's advances are thwarted, but for how long? In other Baldwin related news, Mike is getting more forgetful and has forgot to bank a cheque that he forgot he was given. I hope he does this nearer Christmas and then the local rich man can foreclose on the business, then Bradley will try and top himself before being shown what life would be like had he never existed by his Guardian Angel - "there was no 5th series of Wheel Of Fortune Bradley, you were not around to present it.." Anyway all further evidence of Mike's creeping Alzheimer's.
The Jason/Violet/Sarah Triangle of Horn has ended as it is in the open now. Violet is upset with Sean for not telling her the TRUTH, she later finds out that Eileen also knew the TRUTH. She has to seek solace with Sunita and Shelley, past masters at the finding out of the TRUTH. Sarah now wants them to be a proper couple, Jason has a look in his eyes that suggests that he'd rather boil his own head, but agrees anyway as he is a builder of very little brain.
In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Trademan's Ball, Fred, Diggory, trying to find women to take
BONG! Kirk, Fiz, sorting stuff out. Molly: plotting
BONG! Les, Cilla, now properly married. Oh how we laughed (by "we" I mean "no-one")
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