Sorry for the total lack of updates for the past 4 weeks.
I was on holiday for 2 weeks and was mad busy before I went and have been preparing to go into a new job since I came back and have also had a bad bout of tonsilitis. Hopefully these are enough excuses for you all to forgive me.
I absolutely super-double-promise that I will update next week my lovely readers.
Cheers,
Lee (my real name)
May 05, 2006
April 05, 2006
In which Ches wants a real dad..bless, and MIke forgets who he is a dad to.
Apologies for missing last week, with sepcific apologies to the admin staff at a certain North West England mental institution... Sorry Theresa & Co!
Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.
Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.
Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:
Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"
There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.
Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...
Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.
Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.
In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.
Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.
Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.
Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:
Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"
There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.
Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...
Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.
Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.
In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.
March 17, 2006
In Which...oh I can't remember now..what's a blog? Who are you lot looking at this? Why do I look old in the mirror?
Apologies for lateness (and the cruel title).
Hamsden is not goign away and Ashley is dealing with it by squeaking so much I can't hear him, however every time his lips are moving on the telly every dog in our street start barking and the wine glass in my hand shatters. Clurr finally gets him to agree to meet Hamsden and his new non-alcoholic wife. They decide to meet in a service station and the saddo in me starts to wonder which one it might be, my money is on either Charnock Richard or Knutsford on the M6 (don't worry I fully intend to kill myself later for this). Anyway Hamsden demands to see Joshua, another wine glass of mine gets broken at Ashley's reaction and the meeting doesn't go well. It was however comforting to note that Hamsden's new missus is as bad an actor as his last one.
Ashley then spends the rest of the week causing dogs to bark and doing that "touching cloth" watery-eyed look. Hamsden & Mrs then turn up at the house and and play with Joshua, Ashley finds out runs round and threatens him with a pitchfork in an unitentionally hilarious scene. Clurr gets it in the neck for being a retarded ginger and Fred tries to talk sense into him, I think they agree to talk to Hamsden again but I missed it as I was sweeping up glass fragments at the time.
In Casa Carp, the Carp herself receives another card from "Richard Hillman", this time offering condolences on the anniversary of his untimely and ridiculous death. PPPhil starts to think the Carp may think that it's him and blames David, she agrees and quizzes David, he explodes in fit of teenage acne scarred rage. Fuck me that woman is thick. NEXT!
EvilBradley gets a call from Spain about Mike, he goes out there and returns with Mike behaving like Norman Wisdom, turns out he has had a stroke out there and it has accelerated hid Forgetting Mind Disease. He doesn't recognise Penny and wants to know where Alma is, they decide not to tell him as it would be a really long story and he would probably forget by the end anyway, which would be annoying. They go to the Doc who says that they need to do tests, but the writing is on the wall. Lady McLeanne is having none of this and tells EvilBradley to get the power of Attorney sharpish before he's in a nappy and singing the theme tune to Muffin the Mule all day. GoodBradley tries to get out for a second in protest but a combination of cockernee malevolence and cross-eyed feminine charm sends him back under. In the end they sign the POA and McLeanne moves on to her next project: Getting Mike in a Home. Shame on you Leanne, but shame on you more EvilBradley! There is a really touching scene where Mike and Bradley go into the factory and Mike talks about Elsie Tanner and then crumples into Bradley's arms weeping as he realises he is losing his mind. I am not ashamed to admit I shed a tear, the first of the flood that will no doubt be coming from my ducts as this storyline draws to a conclusion. I'm sure I won't be the only one.
Audrey has decided to take stock of her life after seeing Mike in a state, and says in the pub that she's not ready to settle down and wants to go back to the days when she abandoned her kids and had more men through her than the gents at Victoria Station. She metntions she may sell the flat & Salon, which leads Maria and her cheek pouches to think about ways of buying them. In the midst of all this Fiz wants to go travelling, Kirk doesn't. I personally don't want to think about this plot anymore.
IN other news:
BONG! Emily goes to see St Ed, forgiveness is on the cards
BONG! That new girl is Single White Femaling Kelly, if you follow me. It's shit either way.
BONG! Rersio and Craigiet decide to be honest about their relationship to keep Sally out of the funny farm
Hamsden is not goign away and Ashley is dealing with it by squeaking so much I can't hear him, however every time his lips are moving on the telly every dog in our street start barking and the wine glass in my hand shatters. Clurr finally gets him to agree to meet Hamsden and his new non-alcoholic wife. They decide to meet in a service station and the saddo in me starts to wonder which one it might be, my money is on either Charnock Richard or Knutsford on the M6 (don't worry I fully intend to kill myself later for this). Anyway Hamsden demands to see Joshua, another wine glass of mine gets broken at Ashley's reaction and the meeting doesn't go well. It was however comforting to note that Hamsden's new missus is as bad an actor as his last one.
Ashley then spends the rest of the week causing dogs to bark and doing that "touching cloth" watery-eyed look. Hamsden & Mrs then turn up at the house and and play with Joshua, Ashley finds out runs round and threatens him with a pitchfork in an unitentionally hilarious scene. Clurr gets it in the neck for being a retarded ginger and Fred tries to talk sense into him, I think they agree to talk to Hamsden again but I missed it as I was sweeping up glass fragments at the time.
In Casa Carp, the Carp herself receives another card from "Richard Hillman", this time offering condolences on the anniversary of his untimely and ridiculous death. PPPhil starts to think the Carp may think that it's him and blames David, she agrees and quizzes David, he explodes in fit of teenage acne scarred rage. Fuck me that woman is thick. NEXT!
EvilBradley gets a call from Spain about Mike, he goes out there and returns with Mike behaving like Norman Wisdom, turns out he has had a stroke out there and it has accelerated hid Forgetting Mind Disease. He doesn't recognise Penny and wants to know where Alma is, they decide not to tell him as it would be a really long story and he would probably forget by the end anyway, which would be annoying. They go to the Doc who says that they need to do tests, but the writing is on the wall. Lady McLeanne is having none of this and tells EvilBradley to get the power of Attorney sharpish before he's in a nappy and singing the theme tune to Muffin the Mule all day. GoodBradley tries to get out for a second in protest but a combination of cockernee malevolence and cross-eyed feminine charm sends him back under. In the end they sign the POA and McLeanne moves on to her next project: Getting Mike in a Home. Shame on you Leanne, but shame on you more EvilBradley! There is a really touching scene where Mike and Bradley go into the factory and Mike talks about Elsie Tanner and then crumples into Bradley's arms weeping as he realises he is losing his mind. I am not ashamed to admit I shed a tear, the first of the flood that will no doubt be coming from my ducts as this storyline draws to a conclusion. I'm sure I won't be the only one.
Audrey has decided to take stock of her life after seeing Mike in a state, and says in the pub that she's not ready to settle down and wants to go back to the days when she abandoned her kids and had more men through her than the gents at Victoria Station. She metntions she may sell the flat & Salon, which leads Maria and her cheek pouches to think about ways of buying them. In the midst of all this Fiz wants to go travelling, Kirk doesn't. I personally don't want to think about this plot anymore.
IN other news:
BONG! Emily goes to see St Ed, forgiveness is on the cards
BONG! That new girl is Single White Femaling Kelly, if you follow me. It's shit either way.
BONG! Rersio and Craigiet decide to be honest about their relationship to keep Sally out of the funny farm
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