In Which I have to catch up on about 5 weeks of plot...

Apologies one and all for the very long delay, a combination of holidays, a new job and tonsilitis have prevented me updating.

Since we last met the following has happened:

• Mike has gone to the great sewing factory in the sky. It was a rather abrupt end and frankly a bit shit I thought, especially when you consider the great buid up to it.
• This has led to myriad Bradley vs MacBaldwin spats over the will due to EvilBradley getting everything and Macbaldwin being given only a Toni & Guy voucher to get his barnet sorted out and about £60 in Luncheon Vouchers or something.
  
• Rersio and Craigiet have become non-goths, following Craigiet realising that everyone looks at him funny. That's not because of your clothes Craigiet, it's because they are wondering why a bloke would possibly have so many layers cut into his hair
• Jailhouse Becky has moved in with Kelly and Lister, and they are now trying to get her out: bag & baggage
• The Carp is continuing to receive cards from "Richard Hillman", in the the storyline that has no end, or any engaging features, other than watching The Carp go slowly insane obviously

writing that has made me realise just how little happens in this soap and makes me wonder just how I manage to write about it (sort of) every week. But anyway onto this week's update.

JBecky is non too pleased about being told to move out of Kelly & Lister's flat and is on the rob, stealing Blanche's purse, Sally's Engagement ring, and judging by this plot, the sense and credibility of the writers. The final straw comes when Lady McLeanne's purse in half-inched and Bradley gets all the girls to open their lockers, leading to the discovery of the loot in Kelly's locker. "Gasp!" say the factory, "zzzzzzz" say the viewing public as the full horror of JBecky's plan is revealed. The police come and take Kelly away ha-ha, and totally ignore JBecky even though she has a criminal record and in also stroking and white cat, wearing a powder blue safari suit and going "Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!".

In the station Kelly says she is framed, the police are having none of it and charge her. She confronts JBecky who denies everything whilst moving Kelly over the trap door to her shark pool. She also tells Kelly that her and Lister have been having an affair. Kelly: crestfallen. JBecky: mad, in an evil manner. Later on Kelly and Lister make up. Please God tell me this storyline is nearly over....


The Carp has found another card, this one was hand delivered and left on the Kitchen table. Meaning that the perp has been In The House! Whilst UTEDavid was upstairs in bed ill!! On inspection the card appears to have blood on it. She calls the rozzers to do DNA and all that stuff. PCs Gormless and Sexy turn up and dutifully take the card away. Jason comes in to change the locks and they decide to go to teh chippy for tea to cheer themselves up, what excitement! Whilst eating UTEDavid winces in pain from the salt getting into his paper cut. The Carp freezes as the full implications of such an admission hit her: this means that David will become a suspect and that this plot will last even longer than it has already. Kill. Me. Now.

Norris has started internet dating and has arranged a date with a woman whose name a cannot remember, but she looks like a Pig in Knickers. Whilst they are out, Rita decides to go and have a toot round the flat, why is unexplained but it's probably something to do with her being a nosy old bat with no life. Whilst she is in there Norris and the Pig in Knickers return and she hides in the cupboard. Oh my sides! She is later discovered as the Pig in Knickers is leaving due to Norris interpreting "a weekend in London" as "do me in the naughty place", is shocked and throws her out. Norris: Angry. Rita: Sorry. They later are friends again and confesses that he is frightened of intimacy with the Pig In Knickers due to his being gay two failed marriages.


Craigiet has taken a job at the Garage of Improbable Death, assisting Kevin. Warming to the lad he invites him round for tea, Sally is pissed off about it and tells Kevin in a very grown up manner and he has to cook. Craig turns up and brigns flowers and wine, leading Sally to thaw a bit. Watch it Craig, with her track record she'll be jumping your bones for the sex within a month.

Roy's Rolls has been shut by Environmental Health, they clean it up and it then gets re-opened, in the meantime he has fallen out with Vera.

In Other News:
BONG! Fred and WBBev are making wedding plans
BONG! Some Godawful plot about Claire and smoking.

Lack of Updates

Sorry for the total lack of updates for the past 4 weeks.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks and was mad busy before I went and have been preparing to go into a new job since I came back and have also had a bad bout of tonsilitis. Hopefully these are enough excuses for you all to forgive me.

I absolutely super-double-promise that I will update next week my lovely readers.

Cheers,
Lee (my real name)

In which Ches wants a real dad..bless, and MIke forgets who he is a dad to.

Apologies for missing last week, with sepcific apologies to the admin staff at a certain North West England mental institution... Sorry Theresa & Co!

Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.

Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.

Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:

Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"

There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.

Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...


Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.

Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.

In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.