Firstly we go to Darth Towers, where Shelley has decided that the only way to keep Darth Builder is to get cosmetic surgery to make her look like Violet. I assume that she is going to get a prosthetic neckerchief grafted on to her neck and then a strange lispy tooth gauge inserted, or maybe not, or maybe I don't care. Anyway, Darth Builder is not happy about it and tells her, " I love you just the way you are, you fat, pathetic, ga-ga bitch", and then tries to nuzzle her bosom in an arousing manner. Shelley recoils, Darth storms off still carrying a full load of potato juice, Shelley shouts after him, "I'll let you!" (eeeeeewww!), but it's too late, he is gone. Darth: Evil and gagging for it. Shelley: Entering as yet undiscovered realms of lunacy.
Darth then turns his attention to his Young Apprentice Violet, who for the first time in 8 months has removed her Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia thus leaving herself criminally unprotected from power of the dark side. Darth sees this error and makes his move, getting her drunk and moving in for the big snog, Violet responds but then for some rseason he says "hang on a minute" and goes out the back, maybe he's gone to get some johnnies, or Nutella, or a gimp mask. Violet seizes her opportunity and legs it, not wanting to risk a possible heady cocktail of chocolate spread and demeaning bondage. Just as she is by the door Darth reappears, she says "I'll never turn to the dark side, and please don't tell Jason", he says "You're just like that stupid slag upstairs". Violet: Penny drops. Darth: Jazz mag time.
The Barlow women are back from Poland, this leads to Ken & Dreary running upstairs excitedly, I would make a joke about what they were probably going to do but some of you may be eating reading this. Tracy returns later in the week, Steve makes demands, she rebuffs etc. Work out what is happening from these words: Court, access, rights, Roy testifying. Tracy then uses Amee as leverage with the Cropsters: "testify and you'll never see my mewling baby again!". Hayley caves in, Roy is not happy but Hayley says something like, "We can't have a baby because the only internal plumbing I've got is a pee-pipe and an inside out willie, so we are being selfish on this one". Tracy rewards them with an entire day to spend with Amee, who by the way is a very ugly child.
Candice enters a model competition seemingly dressed as International Prostitute Disco Dancing Champion (Northern section). Football Boy is not happy but tags along and is soon chatted up by the woman who slept with her brother in Brookside. She has obviously gor bored with incest and gained a penchant for sleeping with untalented midgets with shit hair instead. Needless to say Candice fails the audition, along with some Non-comedy from the twins.
Bob arranges a ride in the country with Liz , he means on bikes, she comes expecting an altogether different ride in heels and mini skirt. It's all a bit "Last of the Summer Wine", only without Thora Hird (may the Lord bless her sweet stair-lifted soul).
In other news:
BONG! The boxing match is still on
BONG! Scooter and Sarah rescued the carp (for fuck's sake)
BONG! Roy builds his Grandad's door thing, attracting attention from the Gazzette
BONG! That's all folks!
July 13, 2005
July 05, 2005
Life's A Riot With Butcher vs Butcher!
Coronation Street has officially entered the inverted blockbuster season. Whilst Holywood is turning out it's biggest films for the summer, the films which will prop the industry up for another unimaginative year, Corrie is turning out it's crappiest storylines. This is in order to mark time until the autumn, when the nights draw in and people get their knitting out, bunker in for the winter and actually pay proper attention to the telly, rather than doing silly things like going out or gardening.
So anyway the parade of shite is thus:
Fred is having a row with another fat butcher who also has a squeakey voiced son (oh my sides!). They decide to finish it by Ashley and Ashley MkII doing combat in the ring, judging by the way they both talk that could mean bumming each other into submission, but it more than likely means boxing. I feel sorry for Fred as they seem to have turned his character into the buffoon he was 10 years ago when he first appeared, the character and the actor deserve better. NEXT!
Roy is still building the energy saving contraption on his door. The rest of the cast cannot get in but are humouring him, where are Cilla and Les when you need them to get someone told? NEXT!
Ken's hopes of a full Wank Week are ruined by people popping round all the time and the builders smashing up his house by accident. In the end he explodes in a fit of rage borne of excess sexual tension. He fumes at Jason "All I want to do is give it to Nikki from Basildon on page 42 of Parade with both barrels, but you have smashed my window!"
The Scooter/Sarah non-story continues. I really don't know what is going on here, but it ends with Scooter finding some Koi Carp in distress at some odd woman's house who seems convinced that Scooter is going to molest her. He'd be more interested in the dog love I reckon. Anyway he then retells the distressed Koi storyline to the Platt's, who seem to listen. For some reason not one of them says "What the fuck are you banging on about, you unconvincing sub-character of little relevance?" Not even David, who for someone who grew up in a suburb of Manchester has the strongest South Yorkshire accent I have ever heard. I think Martin might have been laughing but it's hard to tell with him as has the acting craft of a carrot. NEXT!
Clurr finally gets a job on the Taxis. One of her first jobs is to pick up a couple of school kids and take them home, they try and pull a fast one by saying they only get in the taxi if they have chocolate. The young scamps are soon foiled by Claire, who says "fine, fuck you then I'm going anyway", bluff called, go Clurr! I was really hoping that the kids would then Happy Slap her, sending her stupid remmo glasses flying - a golden opportunity for a topical and frankly amusing storyline missed...
Wiggy has asked Leanne to move in with him, in a proper flat and everything, she says she can't because she'staking it in the naughty place off his dad not ready to move in yet. Wiggy: Sad. Leanne: Rough as.
Shelley is still holed up the Bedroom of Inadequacy within the Castle of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Darth Builder is playing a cunning game of telling everyone he's fed up with her, yet exacerbating her issues with is talk of fat rabbits and the fact that he might run away forever, to Celebrity Crypto Island, where he will have 5 weeks to turn Jodie Marsh into a gibbering orange wreck in a batwing jumper. Violet and Ciaran are about to malfunction because the rota is about to run out (there are only 2 of you, you seem to work every day, how hard can it be?). Anyway Fred decides enough is enough, (I say enough is enough!) and tells Shelley to go and see a doctor. Shelley says "I don't need to see a doctor I'm fine, I was just saying this to the Mermaid that lives in my bedroom, under the trapdoor that leads to hell which must never look in, oh no, never look in there." Fred: Concerned. Darth: Mwahahahahaha! Shelley: Cuckoo.
Darth later uses the Jedi mind trick to send Ciaran home and be alone with Violet. Shelley listens at the top of the stairs as Darth says, "Come with me Violet, we can be one on the road to nowhere". Violet says "You cannot have me Darth, my soul is pure and protected by the sacred neckerchief of Jasonia, which as you know I never, ever, ever take off". Darth: Work in progress mwahahahaha! Violet: perturbed.
Steve is Desperately Seeking Tracy, but he cannot find her as the Barlow's have closed ranks on him. "I'd like to help you but I can't" says Ken "Unless you can lend me you spare room and some kleenex". Steve: "WTFITHTM" Face 277.
Much non-comedy with Norris and his book. These plots are normally very funny in Corrie, but they are usually done much better than this, these characters deserve more than being shoe-horned into a deliberate sub Alan Bennett "comedy" set piece that insults both the actors and the viewers in my opinion. And the less said about the "hilarious" twins and their boyfriend shenanagins the better!
And last of all, where the hell has the Rersie and Sally vegetarian plot gone, that was looking good and would actually be worth watching. Instead we get the shower of cack above! BAH!
So anyway the parade of shite is thus:
Fred is having a row with another fat butcher who also has a squeakey voiced son (oh my sides!). They decide to finish it by Ashley and Ashley MkII doing combat in the ring, judging by the way they both talk that could mean bumming each other into submission, but it more than likely means boxing. I feel sorry for Fred as they seem to have turned his character into the buffoon he was 10 years ago when he first appeared, the character and the actor deserve better. NEXT!
Roy is still building the energy saving contraption on his door. The rest of the cast cannot get in but are humouring him, where are Cilla and Les when you need them to get someone told? NEXT!
Ken's hopes of a full Wank Week are ruined by people popping round all the time and the builders smashing up his house by accident. In the end he explodes in a fit of rage borne of excess sexual tension. He fumes at Jason "All I want to do is give it to Nikki from Basildon on page 42 of Parade with both barrels, but you have smashed my window!"
The Scooter/Sarah non-story continues. I really don't know what is going on here, but it ends with Scooter finding some Koi Carp in distress at some odd woman's house who seems convinced that Scooter is going to molest her. He'd be more interested in the dog love I reckon. Anyway he then retells the distressed Koi storyline to the Platt's, who seem to listen. For some reason not one of them says "What the fuck are you banging on about, you unconvincing sub-character of little relevance?" Not even David, who for someone who grew up in a suburb of Manchester has the strongest South Yorkshire accent I have ever heard. I think Martin might have been laughing but it's hard to tell with him as has the acting craft of a carrot. NEXT!
Clurr finally gets a job on the Taxis. One of her first jobs is to pick up a couple of school kids and take them home, they try and pull a fast one by saying they only get in the taxi if they have chocolate. The young scamps are soon foiled by Claire, who says "fine, fuck you then I'm going anyway", bluff called, go Clurr! I was really hoping that the kids would then Happy Slap her, sending her stupid remmo glasses flying - a golden opportunity for a topical and frankly amusing storyline missed...
Wiggy has asked Leanne to move in with him, in a proper flat and everything, she says she can't because she's
Shelley is still holed up the Bedroom of Inadequacy within the Castle of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Darth Builder is playing a cunning game of telling everyone he's fed up with her, yet exacerbating her issues with is talk of fat rabbits and the fact that he might run away forever, to Celebrity Crypto Island, where he will have 5 weeks to turn Jodie Marsh into a gibbering orange wreck in a batwing jumper. Violet and Ciaran are about to malfunction because the rota is about to run out (there are only 2 of you, you seem to work every day, how hard can it be?). Anyway Fred decides enough is enough, (I say enough is enough!) and tells Shelley to go and see a doctor. Shelley says "I don't need to see a doctor I'm fine, I was just saying this to the Mermaid that lives in my bedroom, under the trapdoor that leads to hell which must never look in, oh no, never look in there." Fred: Concerned. Darth: Mwahahahahaha! Shelley: Cuckoo.
Darth later uses the Jedi mind trick to send Ciaran home and be alone with Violet. Shelley listens at the top of the stairs as Darth says, "Come with me Violet, we can be one on the road to nowhere". Violet says "You cannot have me Darth, my soul is pure and protected by the sacred neckerchief of Jasonia, which as you know I never, ever, ever take off". Darth: Work in progress mwahahahaha! Violet: perturbed.
Steve is Desperately Seeking Tracy, but he cannot find her as the Barlow's have closed ranks on him. "I'd like to help you but I can't" says Ken "Unless you can lend me you spare room and some kleenex". Steve: "WTFITHTM" Face 277.
Much non-comedy with Norris and his book. These plots are normally very funny in Corrie, but they are usually done much better than this, these characters deserve more than being shoe-horned into a deliberate sub Alan Bennett "comedy" set piece that insults both the actors and the viewers in my opinion. And the less said about the "hilarious" twins and their boyfriend shenanagins the better!
And last of all, where the hell has the Rersie and Sally vegetarian plot gone, that was looking good and would actually be worth watching. Instead we get the shower of cack above! BAH!
June 28, 2005
Ken Alone....
As usual the 2 campest characters are providing us with the best stuff this week: Norris and his book, revealing all kinds of secrets about his terrible mother; and Sean and his stuffed cat prank on the lovely but gormless Jason..
Blanche and Deirdre are off to Poland to complete Operation Bionic Hip. At one point Deirdre tries to get Ken to go with them by saying "Well what will you do here on your own?", Ken replies, " I don't know catch up on some solitary pursuits." So that'll be him masturbating in every room of the house then, hope Emily doesn't pop round on the off chance.. "Ken, I've brought you some dinner seeing as you were on your own, GASP!", Ken, "Shit I was right on the vinegar strokes as well then Emily..." (a lovely image for you all there)
Steve's long game with Tracey has come to an abrubt end due to him being unable to keep his gurning in check long enough to con her. Liz is not happy as she will "never get to see Amee again, and I'd bought her first chain mail halter neck as well!". Steve pulls "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face numbers 12, 234, 19 and 43; all in the space of 5 minutes. The Barlows are up in arms about it, seemingly forgetting that in the last 3 years Tracy has nicked her Gran's boyfriend, pretended to sleep with Roy and then blackmailed him, tried to sell their Grandchild, and basically been one of the most vile human beings on Earth. All Steve is trying to do is get some rights, but somehow he is the villain. Go figure?
Gail is not happy with the amount of housework that Sarah and Scooter are doing, we are not happy with a) the amount of time being given to such a shit storyline and b) the amount Gail looks like ET, only without the redeeming feature of being a nice person/alien. NEXT!
Fred is at war with a local butcher who is muscling in on his patch. This just seems to be the Diggory storyline being recycled and is not very funny, I think a few of the writers must be on holiday as the show has definitely gone downhill a bit recently.
It's Jamie "Robin Asquith" Barlow's birthday so a party is laid on, only to be rudely interrupted by his mother. Long story short, she gets pissed and starts shouting, Bradley Walsh shouts back, everybody leaves, Bradley and Leanne go for a bit of how's your father upstairs. Once again the writers have made a cardinal mistake of introducing emotional plots to characters that we care about not one jot. Jamie is rubbish, his hair is rubbish and his acting is rubbish and we would rather watch him walk off set if that is at all possible, please thankyou?
Roy is building some engineering contraption in his cafe. So bad is this that I cannot even be bothered to think of anything funny to write, so I'll just swear instead: Shite!!
Not much from the Crazy house this week, nor from Webster Hall, they better pull soemthing out of these this week otherwise we could get as bad as Eastenders. Which, in my opinion, has perked up a bit recently by the way...
Blanche and Deirdre are off to Poland to complete Operation Bionic Hip. At one point Deirdre tries to get Ken to go with them by saying "Well what will you do here on your own?", Ken replies, " I don't know catch up on some solitary pursuits." So that'll be him masturbating in every room of the house then, hope Emily doesn't pop round on the off chance.. "Ken, I've brought you some dinner seeing as you were on your own, GASP!", Ken, "Shit I was right on the vinegar strokes as well then Emily..." (a lovely image for you all there)
Steve's long game with Tracey has come to an abrubt end due to him being unable to keep his gurning in check long enough to con her. Liz is not happy as she will "never get to see Amee again, and I'd bought her first chain mail halter neck as well!". Steve pulls "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face numbers 12, 234, 19 and 43; all in the space of 5 minutes. The Barlows are up in arms about it, seemingly forgetting that in the last 3 years Tracy has nicked her Gran's boyfriend, pretended to sleep with Roy and then blackmailed him, tried to sell their Grandchild, and basically been one of the most vile human beings on Earth. All Steve is trying to do is get some rights, but somehow he is the villain. Go figure?
Gail is not happy with the amount of housework that Sarah and Scooter are doing, we are not happy with a) the amount of time being given to such a shit storyline and b) the amount Gail looks like ET, only without the redeeming feature of being a nice person/alien. NEXT!
Fred is at war with a local butcher who is muscling in on his patch. This just seems to be the Diggory storyline being recycled and is not very funny, I think a few of the writers must be on holiday as the show has definitely gone downhill a bit recently.
It's Jamie "Robin Asquith" Barlow's birthday so a party is laid on, only to be rudely interrupted by his mother. Long story short, she gets pissed and starts shouting, Bradley Walsh shouts back, everybody leaves, Bradley and Leanne go for a bit of how's your father upstairs. Once again the writers have made a cardinal mistake of introducing emotional plots to characters that we care about not one jot. Jamie is rubbish, his hair is rubbish and his acting is rubbish and we would rather watch him walk off set if that is at all possible, please thankyou?
Roy is building some engineering contraption in his cafe. So bad is this that I cannot even be bothered to think of anything funny to write, so I'll just swear instead: Shite!!
Not much from the Crazy house this week, nor from Webster Hall, they better pull soemthing out of these this week otherwise we could get as bad as Eastenders. Which, in my opinion, has perked up a bit recently by the way...
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