When you're in love with a wrinkly bosom, it's hard.

Barlow vs McDonald is rumbling away like a fat man's belly after a particularly large Masala (with Keema nan). Steve lures Tracy into the pub and further lures her into losing her rag and snotting him one in the pub, he's obviously been taking mind trick lessons from Darth Builder. Steve is all "Ha-ha! Now they know what you are really like". Tracy: appointment with the rozzers. Steve: Smug

On her realease from chokey, Tracy suprises everyone by being calm and talking about how much Steve hurt her etc. The scriptwriters have thankfully pulled her back from the brink of Alexis Colby levels of psycho-bithchyness just before she marries a former hitman and has Amee's wedding hijacked by Russian separatist terrorists (anyone who spots that reference is sadder than I am). Anyway she is all reasonable with Steve, whose feeble brain cannot understand what is happening, but on the upside he pulls a new expression that I haven't seen before to compete with the now world famous "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face.

Liz has a date with Bob and his posh friends in the clock. In an incredible blinding flash of self awareness she has realised that she dresses like a contestant on Strictly Porn Dancing and decides to buy some new clobber, in the guise of business suit. Bob comes to pick her up in the Rovers and says "Why you dressed like that for?"
"to be all classy n that",
"But I've told all my mates that you're a dirty bitch, they won't believe me now!"
"Alright I'll get changed then!"
Beautiful.

Fred has reached the end of his tether with Shelley, I say the end of his tether!! He speaks to Bev about it who turns on the charm to convince him otherwise and they go the Clock for a meal to discuss. Bev pulls out all the stops by diplaying an acre of wrinkled bosom for Fred's delectation, but it just serves to remind him why he wants her behind the bar. However he says he will think about it. The next day he tells her that she can stay as he doesn't want to be the one that drives her to being sectioned or something, however I think the real reason is that he wants to bury his giant jowly head in Bev's leathery chest and so he's keeping her sweet.

At the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion Shelley's bruises are clearing up and she talks about how she wants to get back the behind the bar, especially now Sean is mincing about polishing knobs and plotting her downfall. Darth says "There is no way Northerners will stand for a bender being in charge of their pub", Shelly counters with "I dunno they love the gays these days don't they". Darth spots his chance and tells her that Sean probably will take over if she doesn't get her fat rabbit arse downstairs. Is it me who is getting a spot of Deja Vu with these conversations? Wind it up now please, NEXT!

They unbeliveably spend about 40 minutes of the hour-long monday episode with Leanne and Bradley Walsh arranging to meet in an hotel, and then Frankie following Leanne, and then a fire alarm being set off and Leanne getting out of it...you still awake? Neither was I, NEXT!

Some great stuff with Jack and Vera and advice Vera has read in a magazine saying that women should shout at their husbands as it makes the women live longer. Jack foils her plan by winding her up even more and ignoring her. I know it is pointless plot but it is fun and they work so well together jack & vera.

Adam McBarlow has made the beast with two backs with Kelly and she is now wrapping him round her little finger. Mike offers some advice along the lines of "Don't shit where you eat" and then struggles to remember what day it is.

Keith is doing Gail's garden and the family reckon he fancies her and so try and engineer a cozy dinner together for them. It all very obvious, Sarah at one point comes in and says "What you two doing? Are you doing the garden? Do you want to put your tool in her bush?" or something like that. By the way has anyone seen Bethany in the last 6 months? Gail tells them that nothing is going on or will go on, but even Audrey is all "You love him you do, he wants to turf your ginnel." Anyway, long story short they end up alone and Gail informs him that nothing will happen in the bedroom department, Keith says "What? No, it's your mum I fancy, not you. Ho ho, you thought I fancied you!? Christ I may have been without for a while but I'm not that desperate, Carp face."


In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Maria and Fiz, kennels, row, bollocks
BONG! Emily, long lost niece, Norris suspicious, amusing
BONG! Lister, streetcars, double bollocks