Doctor Doctor, Can't you see I'm poncho wearing

Clurr haas become all community spirited and decided to clean up the Red Rec garden so that the local children can drink alcopops, spew up, give each other love-bites and get each other pregnant in prettier surroundings. She gets herself some willing volunteers, well Ashley and crippled Emily anyway, and gets to work. Janice (who now looks like a fat Ripley in Alien 3) and the oh-so-hilarious "identical"twins turn up to get a look at the hunky gardener, who unfortunately for them prefers gardening of the uphill type. Clurr berates FatRipley for not being community spirited enough, FatRipley mocks her for being a boring ginge who is only after an MBE or something, a Mud Fight of Ferocious Pointlessness ensues until in the end Emily pipes up. "What are you doing?" She demands to know "Stop! This is meant to be a decent soap opera with relevant and also amusing storylines, not some bastardised cross between Laurel & Hardy and Tizwaz!!". They all look suitably ashamed, as they should.

Dr Finchy is continuing the highly improbable treatment plan for Shelley, this time he has devised a plan of taking Darth's sandwiches to him at work across the road. Shelley gets through it, even managing to be strong in the face of the Wrinkled Bosom of Bev on the street. She arrives in the garage all pleased with herself and praises Dr Finchy for helping her, this angers Darth and the dark cloud moves over him once more and he says "Well, pity it's brown bread you stupid, fat rabbit, ridiculous poncho wearing bitch". Shelley: crushed. Dr Finchy: Starting to figure it out. Darth: time nearly up.

Shelley reselves to go to the shop, face Sunita, and for the love of God BUY THE RIGHT BREAD! Dr Finchy doesn't think it's a good idea, Darth used the mind trick to convince her to go, he then goes into the back room to watch videos of baby seals being clubbed to death with other baby seals. Little does he know that he has probably sealed his own doom by sending her out to her best friend and thus given her the chance to sort herself out, how very dialectical eh? Anyway, Shelley finds out that Sunita is pregnant and they embrace. Shelley and Sunita: Happy. Storyline: Very nearly over. The nation: Hooray!

There is trouble at Webster Manor, due to Sally's previous perfomances and her lack of planning Serphie has ended up not getting into Weatherfield High. Sally pleads with the Head to let her in, he takes great delight in giving her a speech: Prvate education BAD! State education GOOD! being the crux of it. There is some brilliant stuff whilst she tries to school Serphie at home, Rersie being totally unhelpful and Kevin just demanding his tea and pulling that irate/confused face all the time.

GailZilla vs Eileenatron. Phil has found out that Eileen lied about him staying over and is not happy, he agrees to go out with the Carpular faced one for dinner. Gail is all smugness when she marches into the cab office to get a taxi to "the pizza place in the arcade". Phil scolds Eileen for lying, Steve joins in as well, which was very funny. At the meal Phil mentions that he has a big question to ask Gail, her eyes bulge and she gloops for air at the excitememnt of it all, he says he'll need a few drinks first though. Gail: shag-hopeful. Phil: nervous.

The qustion finally comes, turns out he is doing a dissertaion on victims of crime and wants to talk to Gail about her relationship with Evil Richard Hillman. Gail says nothing and stares at him with those dead fish eyes, stands up and walks away with all the dignity she can muster (not much). Phil shouts "what you didnt' think I actually fancied you did you?". Well he didn't but that is what he was thinking I'm sure.

There have been some amazing Blanche-isms this week, none better than my personal favourite with regard to Norris, "Is he here? Or is he with the rest of his kind in Knotty Ash?". Classic, hard to imagine Eastenders coming up with such a cryptic insult...

In other news abbreviated:

BONG! Nathan, two timing Tracey, sleeping at websters.
BONG! Kennels, new manager, used to be Olly in Emmerdale.
BONG! Sean, gardener, beast with two backs (homo version).
BONG! Jamie, mum turned up. Yawn.