September 27, 2005

Down, Down, the Quality's Down

Status Quo turn up in the Rovers in a not all silly, pointless and far fetched manner. Turns out that Francis, the one with dark hair, has had to wear a neck brace for years because some Ginger Mancunian jumped on him 20 years ago on stage. Knowing that he is probably not referring to Paul Scholes we must assume that this will end up being Les, oh my sides. Chesney rushes to tell Les that his all time favourite band of all time are in the pub, but he will not believe him. To cut a pointlessly hour long episode short, Les eventually believes it and runs out to the pub clutching all his albums to get them signed, albums such as "They All Sound the Same", "They All Sound the Same, except this one's got a slow one on it" and "The One About Being in the Army that Was a Minor hit in the 80s". The Quo are about to to drive off when Francis spots Les and realises that Les is the man who hurt his neck in days of Rock n Roll yore, surprise sur-fucking-prise. Francis chins Les, as does Rick, leaving him Reelin' All Over the Floor. (Can you see what I did there?)

Cilla smells blood, money smeeling blood, that is in fact money and not blood at all, as the chance for a "compo" claim looms large. Solicitors take one look at her and won't take the case on "Look love, you are a totally unconvincing, two dimensional, pantomime villain type of character, therefore you will have about as much credibility in court as you have with the audience of this show". Cilla: angry but undeterred. On returning to the pub Kirk shows them his latest pap photos, it's a photo of the fight = evidence! Thankfully there were no topless shots of Fiz, I'd just had my tea. Les and his Ex Brookside Solicitor go to see the Quo solicitor, who surprisingly is aged about 13. There is much fencing and posturing until the photos are produced, Quo Solicitor the Younger realises the game is up and says "ok Les, let's talk turkey, then I can get back to playing Crack Whore Rape Massacre on my PS2".

Les later struts into the pub with the air of a man who has achieved something great, Cilla and Yana have been shopping and are talking about what it is like to be rich. Les confesses that the Quo Adolescent Lawyer offered him £500, 000, but instead Les took the alternative offer of having the Quo play at the wedding. Cilla "Why did you do that for?" Les "Because it's Status Quo's 40th Anniversary and they are being crowbarred into this plot for no good reason". Cilla chins him, the nation wants to chin the producer and writers.

After a quiet few weeks, Gailzilla Vs Eileenatron is warming up again, they must have switched promoters to Don King from Frank Warren or something. Phil goes around to Gail's house to talk about Evil Richard Hillman, Gail tells of the full horror she encountered: plot too long, Richard's hair, his hilariously unconvincing evil stare, seeing David tied up was actually quite funny, the full works. This makes her feel better, and to reinforce this Phil maithers with her feet for a bit and she nods off to dream beautiful Carp dreams about fat worms and Boilie bait. Gail liked the experience so much that she recommends it to Sarah who is unsure, "The thing is mum, I have deep emotional wounds which strangely enough I don't think can be healed by talking to some foot fetishist with an unhealthy interest in murder and Carp-like women."

Sean manages to convince Phil to have a date with Eileen, so all is not lost for the nations' favourite taxi lady. C'mon Eileen!

Kelly asks Lloyd to come to a concert with her, he can't go as it is darts night, she then finds out it isn't. He is non too keen to tell her the real reason, probably because it is teeth-scrapingly boring.

Leanne and Bradley Walsh are back making the beast with two backs with a vengeance, FatRipley is aware that Leanne is having an affair, but she does not know who with. I'll save you the pain of having to sit through an hour of this drivel by informing you that FatRipley catches them together in the flat and pulls the smuggest face in smugville, which strangely still has her resembling a cave troll, a smug cave troll, but still a cave troll. Bradley jumps up and tries to explain everything in a way that Renee from Allo Allo would be proud of. Bradley leaves, and Janice comes over all "You are going to hell, even I wouldn't shag my bloke's dad." That's because you probably look like him too much Jan.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, other mascot is a lady, possible romance. For. Fuck's. Sake.
BONG! Liz, working in bakery
BONG! erm, that's it.