March 01, 2006

In Which the writers better buck their ideas up..

God it's been shit this week hasn't it? But my public are like a ravenous monster that must be fed their glut of sneering and so I shall cough up the goods. Sorry for the delay by the way, I don't get paid for this you know, so sometimes other stuff does take precedence...

Fred and WBBev have to announce their ridiculously contrived love to their respective families, needless to say they aren't impressed apart from Clurr, but she is a borderline imbecile so no-once cares what she thinks. The families start to list off the reasons why it is not a good idea and it is thus (paraphrasing slightly):

Reasons not to Marry Fred

Reasons not to Marry WBBev

- Would shag a warm scarf

- looks like a beclothed blancmange

- difficult to find his penis

- has proposed to every woman in
lancashire, with the exception of Emily

- jowly

- irritating

- Goggly Eyes

- slept with Darth Builder

- lack of desire to find Fred's penis

- slept with Boyzone Ciaran

- patronising voice

- excessive flaunting of Wrinkly Bosom

All of this falls on deaf ears and they throw the inevitable in the Rovers party. Fred produces a massive Rock for WBBev's finger and they embrace as Shelley and Ashley look on with faces like chewed caramels. Shelley's face turns even worse when Fred mentions something about WBBev being "a great landlady".

In other Elliot/Peacock news. Dr Matt Hamsden has written to Ashley asking about Joshua, this means he is no doubt going to make an appearance at some point and have some very emotional scenes to ruin with his acting "skills". Fred wants no part of it as "You are his dad Ashley, I say you are his dad!" but Ashley is all, "but you are my Dad and I didn't know you etc and look at out realationship now yadda yadda". Fred: argument foiled. Ashley: Sad. As much as this storyline is no doubt going to bore us all out of our crusts, at least it is realistic and Ashley was quite touching when he talked about his feelings towards Fred.

Eileen & St Ed are trying to conduct as normal life as is possible for a ex-murderer living in the same street as the widow of his murderee. St Ed does not help by constantly mithering Emily every time he sees her like some demented Jehovah's Witness trying to flog you the Watchtower:
"Emily, you have to forgive me for I repent!"
"No I don't"
"But you must, for thou art a Christian and God will smite thee!"
"No he won't"
"But thou art not not being fair!"
"Bothered. TTFN!"

Eileen is getting heartily sick of this as she thought moving a man in would mean more sex, not bible reading and self flagellation, although admittedly some men are into that, Tory Cabinet ministers and Frank Bough for example. In the edn she erupts and tells him that it is "OVER!" because he won't put down is Bilble and take off his trolleys, and he wobn't allow himself to be happy and she can't live with/like that etc etc. She also makes a totally bizarre speech about he she loves St Ed like she loves her sons, unconditionally and all that. She's only known him 5 minutes, and in that time he has turned from bible basher to murderer to guilt ridden frigid asexual. Some catch eh?

Rersio has returned from her three-month ski trip to be told of Craigiet having another woman in his house and indeed his room. Rersio: devastated. Sally: ecstatic. Rersio bins him off and then pops round to drop off his stuff and agrees to talk to him. Craigiet says, "but I never did it" and Rersio crumples into his arms in a fabulous teenage way as she never really wanted to finish it anyway. They agree not to tell their parents that they are back in their globule of love, a risky strategy methinks, but should make for some great scenes.

Leanne's car has been fixed in Kev's garage, but as it is being driven away by Leanne with Janice in the car the brakes fail and they crash, this leads to Janice swearing an oath of revenge or something on Sally. Welcome to the shittest plot in the world everyone! What is the point fo Janice anymore? Anyone got any ideas? I'm bollixed if I know. Anyway, she taunts Sally and there is what seems like about 14 hours of pointless sniping until Janice pours tea over Sally's knickers, those she has made not those she is wearing. More's the pity as the site of Sally running round screaming with a scalded foof would be very amusing and certainly better than this crock of shit they are serving up.

Also in the factory Mike seems to ahve gone awol in Spain, his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease has not doubt led to think that he actually is Spanish and so is now running a small roadside Tapas bar in the Cordoba province. EvilBradley does not care, even when Frankie his conscience comes to see him. Frankie: disgusted. EvilBradley: satisfied.

In Other News:
BONG! Tracy, abandoning her child still. Ken & Deirdre not happy
BONG! The Crappers, model trainset plot still running. Kill. Me. Now.
BONG! Rita, moved in with Emily