December 22, 2006


Just to inform you all that this blog will return in the New Year, probably at the end of January as I have to move house first.

In the meantime, I recommend you browse the archive or visit TV Dinners , where me and friends write about the telly generally..


November 08, 2006


Unable to honour my Corrie commitments, I have started a weekly blog on The X Factor.


June 19, 2006

In which I jack it all in...

It is with a heavy heart that I must inform you all that I will no longer be updating Corrie Commentary. A combination of a new job, more stuff happening in the evenings, a young family, and wanting a life in between means that I am not seeing Corrie enough to write about it. If I do see it I don't have the time to write copy good enough to do the blog justice, and the last thing I would want is to plough on and people to stop enjoying it because I'm not committed to it.

Better to burn out than to fade away and all that...

Thanks to everyone who has read it in the last year, it will still be here if you want to dip into the archive, and thanks to everyone who left very kind comments on here abot my writing.


May 24, 2006

In Which the Card Plot Finally Ends....

At Casa Carp, The Carp is still mulling over the UTEDavid/paper cut/blood on card Triangulation of Obviousness, and decides to set him a trap of such cunning you stick a tail on it and call it a fox. This is not before she discussed it with Audragh, who tells her something like "reallargh Gail, ahm serpriiiiiiiiizzed yer could think such a thing honestlargh", which I think means she disagrees with The Carp. Anyway, The Carp tells UTEDavid that Friday is Richard's birthday and that no-one knows about it apart from PPPhil, and she hopes another card doesn't turn up. UTE falls for it, there is much to-ing and fro-ing on the day the card is meant to arrive and after an interminable period of non-suspense Keith gives Carp the card that has been wrongly delivered to his house. The Carp then knows it is David and she weeps as the nation cries salt tears of joy, for this inadequate plot hath reached its devastatingly underwhelming conclusion.

The Carp shouts a lot at him, along the basic lines of "Why? Why? In the name of God why?" David says it was a joke that got out of hand. For future reference Davy boy, a joke getting out of hand is something like putting too many "Kick Me" stickers on a person's back, NOT a 6 month long campaign of mail that induces anguish and depression for the viewing public your mum. Sarah and Audreh are a lot less forgiving and give him a good pasting when they see him.

However by this time The Carp is starting to think that it is Not His Fault as he has been through a lot and his Dad has moved to the other side of the country (eh? He's in Liverpool, approximately 45mins - 1 hour on the train..). To complicate matters, the Police turn up to tell her that they have arrested PPPhil, for some reason it isn't PCs Gormless & Sexy it's some bald bloke. The Carp says she wants to drop her complaint, when the rozzer asks why she says "look over there!" and runs off, sort of. She however reconsiders and goes down the copshop to confess all, PC Baldy then takes David into a room and makes him think he is going to be arrested and then bottom-raped in prison by a young Ray Winstone type, but then lets him off. Later at the table over a chippy tea, The Carp says that no-one is to ever mention what has happened other than to say "The Incident of Which We Do Not Speak" or something. David goes to his room. THE END.

Dev has resurfaced, and it turns out that SunitaAAAaa! is moving into his house and he is moving back above the shop. This pleases him, as he reckons that once she is in the house she will realise that she misses him and wants him back. Yes I can just see her sat in her brand new house with her children, gazing into their beautiful garden and thinking "What I really need in here is a random shouting, oleaginous prick who I hate." Dev: Deluded. Also Amber has turned up again, who is a brilliant character by the way, as her mum and stepdad want to move to Iceland, and she doesn't mean change supermarkets. Amber reasonably asks to live me him, but he is too busy with his oily delusions about Sunita to listen. Amber: sad.

Frankie goes to see EvilBradley in the factory to talk turkey about the divorce, in the end he gives her the villa in Spain after trying to get back with her about 37 times during the conversation. She looked really hot in her power suit though so I don't blame him. Lady McLeanne is not happy, but is won round with talk of holidays and money etc. Frankie then goes and gets bladdered with the girls, and it must be said that Corrie always does those "girls night out" scenes very well IMO.

The woeful Kelly storyline continues as the factory workers get her job back. There is a lot of "to plead ot not to plead" going on and there is still no sign of Master Criminal Becky to get her off the hook. If you can find a modern and imposing looking building on a platform in the middle of the Indian Ocean complete with helipad, shark pool, and World Domination Office, my money is she'll be there. Anyway she is in court this week and I am waiting totally unabated breath for the outcome.

Unfortunately, the Dr Matt Hamsden plot has come up for breath again, leading to more shots of Ashley looking like he is touching cloth.

And before you say it, yes Corrie is a bit shit at the moment...

In other news:
BONG! Rita wants to move back into her flat.

May 17, 2006

In Which I have to catch up on about 5 weeks of plot...

Apologies one and all for the very long delay, a combination of holidays, a new job and tonsilitis have prevented me updating.

Since we last met the following has happened:
  • Mike has gone to the great sewing factory in the sky. It was a rather abrupt end and frankly a bit shit I thought, especially when you consider the great buid up to it.
  • This has led to myriad Bradley vs MacBaldwin spats over the will due to EvilBradley getting everything and Macbaldwin being given only a Toni & Guy voucher to get his barnet sorted out and about £60 in Luncheon Vouchers or something.
  • Rersio and Craigiet have become non-goths, following Craigiet realising that everyone looks at him funny. That's not because of your clothes Craigiet, it's because they are wondering why a bloke would possibly have so many layers cut into his hair
  • Jailhouse Becky has moved in with Kelly and Lister, and they are now trying to get her out: bag & baggage
  • The Carp is continuing to receive cards from "Richard Hillman", in the the storyline that has no end, or any engaging features, other than watching The Carp go slowly insane obviously
writing that has made me realise just how little happens in this soap and makes me wonder just how I manage to write about it (sort of) every week. But anyway onto this week's update.

JBecky is non too pleased about being told to move out of Kelly & Lister's flat and is on the rob, stealing Blanche's purse, Sally's Engagement ring, and judging by this plot, the sense and credibility of the writers. The final straw comes when Lady McLeanne's purse in half-inched and Bradley gets all the girls to open their lockers, leading to the discovery of the loot in Kelly's locker. "Gasp!" say the factory, "zzzzzzz" say the viewing public as the full horror of JBecky's plan is revealed. The police come and take Kelly away ha-ha, and totally ignore JBecky even though she has a criminal record and in also stroking and white cat, wearing a powder blue safari suit and going "Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!".

In the station Kelly says she is framed, the police are having none of it and charge her. She confronts JBecky who denies everything whilst moving Kelly over the trap door to her shark pool. She also tells Kelly that her and Lister have been having an affair. Kelly: crestfallen. JBecky: mad, in an evil manner. Later on Kelly and Lister make up. Please God tell me this storyline is nearly over....

The Carp has found another card, this one was hand delivered and left on the Kitchen table. Meaning that the perp has been In The House! Whilst UTEDavid was upstairs in bed ill!! On inspection the card appears to have blood on it. She calls the rozzers to do DNA and all that stuff. PCs Gormless and Sexy turn up and dutifully take the card away. Jason comes in to change the locks and they decide to go to teh chippy for tea to cheer themselves up, what excitement! Whilst eating UTEDavid winces in pain from the salt getting into his paper cut. The Carp freezes as the full implications of such an admission hit her: this means that David will become a suspect and that this plot will last even longer than it has already. Kill. Me. Now.

Norris has started internet dating and has arranged a date with a woman whose name a cannot remember, but she looks like a Pig in Knickers. Whilst they are out, Rita decides to go and have a toot round the flat, why is unexplained but it's probably something to do with her being a nosy old bat with no life. Whilst she is in there Norris and the Pig in Knickers return and she hides in the cupboard. Oh my sides! She is later discovered as the Pig in Knickers is leaving due to Norris interpreting "a weekend in London" as "do me in the naughty place", is shocked and throws her out. Norris: Angry. Rita: Sorry. They later are friends again and confesses that he is frightened of intimacy with the Pig In Knickers due to his being gay two failed marriages.

Craigiet has taken a job at the Garage of Improbable Death, assisting Kevin. Warming to the lad he invites him round for tea, Sally is pissed off about it and tells Kevin in a very grown up manner and he has to cook. Craig turns up and brigns flowers and wine, leading Sally to thaw a bit. Watch it Craig, with her track record she'll be jumping your bones for the sex within a month.

Roy's Rolls has been shut by Environmental Health, they clean it up and it then gets re-opened, in the meantime he has fallen out with Vera.

In Other News:
BONG! Fred and WBBev are making wedding plans
BONG! Some Godawful plot about Claire and smoking.

May 05, 2006

Lack of Updates

Sorry for the total lack of updates for the past 4 weeks.

I was on holiday for 2 weeks and was mad busy before I went and have been preparing to go into a new job since I came back and have also had a bad bout of tonsilitis. Hopefully these are enough excuses for you all to forgive me.

I absolutely super-double-promise that I will update next week my lovely readers.

Lee (my real name)

April 05, 2006

In which Ches wants a real dad..bless, and MIke forgets who he is a dad to.

Apologies for missing last week, with sepcific apologies to the admin staff at a certain North West England mental institution... Sorry Theresa & Co!

Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.

Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.

Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:

Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"

There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.

Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...

Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.

Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.

In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.

March 17, 2006

In Which...oh I can't remember now..what's a blog? Who are you lot looking at this? Why do I look old in the mirror?

Apologies for lateness (and the cruel title).

Hamsden is not goign away and Ashley is dealing with it by squeaking so much I can't hear him, however every time his lips are moving on the telly every dog in our street start barking and the wine glass in my hand shatters. Clurr finally gets him to agree to meet Hamsden and his new non-alcoholic wife. They decide to meet in a service station and the saddo in me starts to wonder which one it might be, my money is on either Charnock Richard or Knutsford on the M6 (don't worry I fully intend to kill myself later for this). Anyway Hamsden demands to see Joshua, another wine glass of mine gets broken at Ashley's reaction and the meeting doesn't go well. It was however comforting to note that Hamsden's new missus is as bad an actor as his last one.

Ashley then spends the rest of the week causing dogs to bark and doing that "touching cloth" watery-eyed look. Hamsden & Mrs then turn up at the house and and play with Joshua, Ashley finds out runs round and threatens him with a pitchfork in an unitentionally hilarious scene. Clurr gets it in the neck for being a retarded ginger and Fred tries to talk sense into him, I think they agree to talk to Hamsden again but I missed it as I was sweeping up glass fragments at the time.

In Casa Carp, the Carp herself receives another card from "Richard Hillman", this time offering condolences on the anniversary of his untimely and ridiculous death. PPPhil starts to think the Carp may think that it's him and blames David, she agrees and quizzes David, he explodes in fit of teenage acne scarred rage. Fuck me that woman is thick. NEXT!

EvilBradley gets a call from Spain about Mike, he goes out there and returns with Mike behaving like Norman Wisdom, turns out he has had a stroke out there and it has accelerated hid Forgetting Mind Disease. He doesn't recognise Penny and wants to know where Alma is, they decide not to tell him as it would be a really long story and he would probably forget by the end anyway, which would be annoying. They go to the Doc who says that they need to do tests, but the writing is on the wall. Lady McLeanne is having none of this and tells EvilBradley to get the power of Attorney sharpish before he's in a nappy and singing the theme tune to Muffin the Mule all day. GoodBradley tries to get out for a second in protest but a combination of cockernee malevolence and cross-eyed feminine charm sends him back under. In the end they sign the POA and McLeanne moves on to her next project: Getting Mike in a Home. Shame on you Leanne, but shame on you more EvilBradley! There is a really touching scene where Mike and Bradley go into the factory and Mike talks about Elsie Tanner and then crumples into Bradley's arms weeping as he realises he is losing his mind. I am not ashamed to admit I shed a tear, the first of the flood that will no doubt be coming from my ducts as this storyline draws to a conclusion. I'm sure I won't be the only one.

Audrey has decided to take stock of her life after seeing Mike in a state, and says in the pub that she's not ready to settle down and wants to go back to the days when she abandoned her kids and had more men through her than the gents at Victoria Station. She metntions she may sell the flat & Salon, which leads Maria and her cheek pouches to think about ways of buying them. In the midst of all this Fiz wants to go travelling, Kirk doesn't. I personally don't want to think about this plot anymore.

IN other news:
BONG! Emily goes to see St Ed, forgiveness is on the cards
BONG! That new girl is Single White Femaling Kelly, if you follow me. It's shit either way.
BONG! Rersio and Craigiet decide to be honest about their relationship to keep Sally out of the funny farm

March 08, 2006

In which Sally goes mental mental, chicken oriental!

Rersio is palying her parents like a cheap banjo and still doing adolescent sex, the juvenile obsession with Craigiet. She tells Sall that there is no point moping about and is going to spend some time with Pippa, I have a frightening moment where I think that she may be about to go lesbotic with her mate, then I remember that this isn't EastEnders and relax. She walks out of the house and goes straight to Craigiet's, and is spied by Kevin whilst doing so. Whod've thought that her cunning plan of not getting seen ie walking across the street in full view of everyone woudl backfire in such a way. Sall hears and is biblical with outrage, Rersio says that they are stuck together like dogs in autumn and there is nothing she can do about it. Sally reacts by getting brochures to a boarding school in Yorkshire, Rersio doesn't take it seriously as they can't affrd it anyway, Sall informs her that she'll do whatever it takes to get her away from the threat posed by Craigiet's Potential Wasting Penis. Rersio: shocked. Sall: Mad

Later in the week Sall sees the Gothic lovedragons kissing and flips harder than a pancake on Shrove Tuesday. She orders Rersio into the car and then drives off really rather fast. Turns out she is going directly to Rersio's Yorkshire Gaol, she will not pass Go and she will not be collecting £200. Craigiet informs Kevin of what has happened and that they left "about an hour ago", Keving speeds of like a confused looking slightly more simian Colin Farrell, and ten minutes later is "right behind them". His van is obviously KITT in disguise and he put it in "pursuit" mode and made liberal use of the "Turbo Boost" function. Rersio meanwhile is trying to talk to her mother and get her to slow down, but Sall just reponds with a series of clucks and beeps. In the end she skids to a halt in the middle of nowhere. To digress, where exactly in Yorkshire is this School? Because that is a hell of a strange route to go from Manchester, unless of course in teh midst of her madness she still worked out that the traffic on the M62 is murder at that time of day.

Anyway, Rersio asks Sall what is going on and Sall poignantly says, "I'm lost.." Kevin turns up and tells her something about how they are going to die together alone as the kids will leave home and just phone every couple of weeks. This inexplicably makes her feel better and she agrees to come home. In the end Sall agrees that Rersio cannot finish with Craigiet, and that she must "stay close". It all happened very abruptly this sequence, but I thought it was very well done, Rersio trying to help her mum in the end and feeling remorse, Kevin trying to sort it all out despite his obvious lack of tools for the job, Sall basically being clinically depressed after the last 18 months (affair, sacked, working back where she started etc, kid issues). All very realistic, and very touching in the end I thought. Oh yeah and Sally punched Janice in the pub again. Hooray!

Speaking of which. janice and Les end up shagging for reasons too boring to recount here. janice ends up leaving the street, sadly not forever as her character has been rescued. Christ knows why, unless they plan to make her the new love interest for Nathan or something. Cilla finds out about Les' shenanegans and kicks him out forever. There is a lot of non-comedy involving him living in the car.

Dr Hamsden has turned up at nursey and speaks to Clurr about Joshua. Clurr is too stupid to realise who he might be, which is no great surprise as she is also stupid enough to wear those glasses. He later pops into the butchers to call on Ashley, who does that red faced-watery eyed thing that he does that I think is meant to denote anger and emotion, or he could be touching cloth and desperately trying to hold it in. It's hard to tell. Ashley tells him he can't see him yadda yadda, Hamsden says, "I know you're angry about me and Maxine", Ashley says, "Don't you even say her name!" Maybe because she's like the Candyman and if you say her name 3 times she'll come from the dead and kill you, or out of rehab and back in the show, not sure what is worse. Anyway, Hamsden makes noises about not going away and Ashley spends the rest of the show squeaking loudly at everyone.

Emily's TokenDeaf Niece turns up and they go to church. St Ed is there and Emily runs off, he makesd more noises about repentance and the like, Emily makes more noises about wanting to crush his head in a vice until his eyeballs pop out or something. They all go home and later they are playing cards and Norris demands that Emily talk about her sorrow and feelings and she boots him out. He says, "You lot may be able to ignore her suffering, but I can't, and if that means I have to be kicked out then so be it". I love Norris for this, and he is right of course.

In Other News:
BONG! The Crappers and that Trainmong are still engaged in a storyline that bores me so much I could shit concrete.
BONG! Nathan and Frankie have made the beast with two backs
BONG! Kelly's mate is working in the factory. They used to be in prison together. No I don't care either.

March 01, 2006

In Which the writers better buck their ideas up..

God it's been shit this week hasn't it? But my public are like a ravenous monster that must be fed their glut of sneering and so I shall cough up the goods. Sorry for the delay by the way, I don't get paid for this you know, so sometimes other stuff does take precedence...

Fred and WBBev have to announce their ridiculously contrived love to their respective families, needless to say they aren't impressed apart from Clurr, but she is a borderline imbecile so no-once cares what she thinks. The families start to list off the reasons why it is not a good idea and it is thus (paraphrasing slightly):

Reasons not to Marry Fred

Reasons not to Marry WBBev

- Would shag a warm scarf

- looks like a beclothed blancmange

- difficult to find his penis

- has proposed to every woman in
lancashire, with the exception of Emily

- jowly

- irritating

- Goggly Eyes

- slept with Darth Builder

- lack of desire to find Fred's penis

- slept with Boyzone Ciaran

- patronising voice

- excessive flaunting of Wrinkly Bosom

All of this falls on deaf ears and they throw the inevitable in the Rovers party. Fred produces a massive Rock for WBBev's finger and they embrace as Shelley and Ashley look on with faces like chewed caramels. Shelley's face turns even worse when Fred mentions something about WBBev being "a great landlady".

In other Elliot/Peacock news. Dr Matt Hamsden has written to Ashley asking about Joshua, this means he is no doubt going to make an appearance at some point and have some very emotional scenes to ruin with his acting "skills". Fred wants no part of it as "You are his dad Ashley, I say you are his dad!" but Ashley is all, "but you are my Dad and I didn't know you etc and look at out realationship now yadda yadda". Fred: argument foiled. Ashley: Sad. As much as this storyline is no doubt going to bore us all out of our crusts, at least it is realistic and Ashley was quite touching when he talked about his feelings towards Fred.

Eileen & St Ed are trying to conduct as normal life as is possible for a ex-murderer living in the same street as the widow of his murderee. St Ed does not help by constantly mithering Emily every time he sees her like some demented Jehovah's Witness trying to flog you the Watchtower:
"Emily, you have to forgive me for I repent!"
"No I don't"
"But you must, for thou art a Christian and God will smite thee!"
"No he won't"
"But thou art not not being fair!"
"Bothered. TTFN!"

Eileen is getting heartily sick of this as she thought moving a man in would mean more sex, not bible reading and self flagellation, although admittedly some men are into that, Tory Cabinet ministers and Frank Bough for example. In the edn she erupts and tells him that it is "OVER!" because he won't put down is Bilble and take off his trolleys, and he wobn't allow himself to be happy and she can't live with/like that etc etc. She also makes a totally bizarre speech about he she loves St Ed like she loves her sons, unconditionally and all that. She's only known him 5 minutes, and in that time he has turned from bible basher to murderer to guilt ridden frigid asexual. Some catch eh?

Rersio has returned from her three-month ski trip to be told of Craigiet having another woman in his house and indeed his room. Rersio: devastated. Sally: ecstatic. Rersio bins him off and then pops round to drop off his stuff and agrees to talk to him. Craigiet says, "but I never did it" and Rersio crumples into his arms in a fabulous teenage way as she never really wanted to finish it anyway. They agree not to tell their parents that they are back in their globule of love, a risky strategy methinks, but should make for some great scenes.

Leanne's car has been fixed in Kev's garage, but as it is being driven away by Leanne with Janice in the car the brakes fail and they crash, this leads to Janice swearing an oath of revenge or something on Sally. Welcome to the shittest plot in the world everyone! What is the point fo Janice anymore? Anyone got any ideas? I'm bollixed if I know. Anyway, she taunts Sally and there is what seems like about 14 hours of pointless sniping until Janice pours tea over Sally's knickers, those she has made not those she is wearing. More's the pity as the site of Sally running round screaming with a scalded foof would be very amusing and certainly better than this crock of shit they are serving up.

Also in the factory Mike seems to ahve gone awol in Spain, his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease has not doubt led to think that he actually is Spanish and so is now running a small roadside Tapas bar in the Cordoba province. EvilBradley does not care, even when Frankie his conscience comes to see him. Frankie: disgusted. EvilBradley: satisfied.

In Other News:
BONG! Tracy, abandoning her child still. Ken & Deirdre not happy
BONG! The Crappers, model trainset plot still running. Kill. Me. Now.
BONG! Rita, moved in with Emily

February 22, 2006

In which I have to crib a bit due to not seeing it much this week.

Apologies all as I have seen little of the street this week due to having a life, well a bit of one anyway...

It is the aftermath of the revelations about (Not so) St Ed's past. Emily is lighting candles and getting all watery eyed about her dear devoted Ernest and Eileen is getting all dry of foof about her dear departed Ed. Sean Convinces Eileen to go and see Emily to find out what is going on. Emily tells Eileen "I'm afraid I've thrown you a wrong 'un Eileen, the man I thought was a decent man is in fact Murdering Michael McMurderer, from Killville, Killinois, and he murderised my husband to death." Eileen: shocked but still horny. Next day Emily comes round to see her and tells her that she hoped she could forgive him, but all she wants to do is crush him without mercy. She later tries to go to church, but some some kind of Devil's forcefield stops her going in, and thus it seems she is to lose her faith until the writers make her perform the inevitable forgiveness.

Eileen goes to see St Ed to demand THE TRUTH. He tells her "I killed a bloke, got sent to chokey, found God whilst I was having my back door kicked in by Ronnie the Bastard and was released and wanted to make it right with Emily." She melts into his his strong homicidal arms and agrees to continue their love and hav a word with Emily.

Eileen tells Emily of St Ed's remorse, but Emily is having none of it and instead suggest that Eileen is so "desperate for a man that she'll take anything, even a murderiser with questionable hair" ,and that's ignoring the fact he has appeared in both Heartbeat and Where the Heart Is, both of which are now classified as hate crimes by teh EU Court. Eileen leaves Emily's house and weeps like a lickle baby about the fact that she is probably also now on Emily's "Crush Without Mercy" List.

The Carp has been in receipt of a Valentine card from Richard Hillman, the nation is nowhere near the edge of its seat at the mystery of it all. In agreement with this site's poll Audrey says, "It's Phil", Carp says it isn't, Audrey reminds her that the last time she thought she knew a man he turned out to be a pantomime villain with a quiff who tried to kill her family. Carp says, "am I bovvered? Anyway it's not Phil" and Audrey pulls a brilliant disapproving face. We will no doubt find out who it is soon enough, but this really is a crock of shite storyline either way.

Tracy is on the crawl with Darth Builder and offering everything in her box of tricks to win him back. He agrees to let her move in but says, "Get your bits, get your back, but don't bring your kid". Long story short she leaves the Amee behind as it is "for the best" and moves in with him. The Barlows: agog. Darth: mwahahahahahaaaaaaa! This all seems a little forced to me, almost like the writers are trying too hard to make them an evil couple, in the next few weeks I expect them to turn into Fred & Rose West, only with less bondage and more wee wee.

Fred receives a phone callfrom WBBev, she has been abandoned by her cruise boyfriend in the middle of "nowhere", this often happens of course, people rarely drop you off at a train station or anything. Fred wobbles to the rescue like some beclothed blancmange and goes to get her, WBBev is very grateful, how grateful I wonder? Well we soon find out as he inevitably proposes and she accepts, even though he is an enormous fat minger with a meat fetish. Fred is happy as he will finally get married and maybe get his rocks off. "I'm putting it in now I say I'm putting it in now.." (for an hilarious discussion about this, please visit here, thanks to the GUT gang for filling in some blanks this week as well)

David has found a Cannabis plantation (!) over the bookies. I completely missed this episode so if anyone can enlighten me I'll be grateful

In other news:
BONG! Bradley, bought Leanne a car, it breaks.
BONG! Sally, happy that Craig has another woman at his house
BONG! Rita, looking for a new flat
BONG! Clurr, non-comedy involving valentine's card she thinks is from Steve. It's from Ashley.

February 14, 2006

In which Eileen gets some action and St Ed comes clean

Eileen is increasingly frustrated by St Ed's lack of va va voom in matters bedroom. After watching a film together on the couch Eileen goes for some gentle cupping, but St Ed rejects her and suggests they watch "The Passion Of the Christ" instead or something. However after a few days, not even God himself can contain St Ed's erection and they go to bed to make sweet sweet love on a biblical scale. Next morning Eilieen is all content in the afterglow of their love, but St Ed seems troubled about something, my guess is after looking at nubile young ladies porn mags for 20 years it was a bit of a shock seeing Eileen's body, he leaves quickly, leaving Eileen feeling somewhat unclean.

Eileen sees him lateer in the pub and asks him what is going on, and does he not fancy her. he says "No, I really fancy you and you are special etc, however I must now go and confess to murder do something. Wait there, I won't be a tick". He goes to see Emily, complete with hammy stepping out of the shadows in a scary manner outside of her house. He tells Emily about how he has "done things" and so on, Emily says "But St Ed, it is not your past that we must be concerned about, what you are now is important. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you without mercy". St Ed confesses all about the robbery that went wrong, and how it was he that killed Ernest, even though he would've been about 12 at the time and he has played another character since, that he is now repentent. Emily tells him to "Get out and await your merciless crushing!". He then goes to the Cafe and cries for a bit whilst writing Emily a letter, he posts the letter only for Emily to come out in what looked like a outdoor coat that she was strangely wearing inside, and rip the letter into a thousand pieces, like the thousand broken pieces of her heart...

Not So St Ed then scarpers from Eileen leaving her thinking it is all over after only one game of hide the sausage. Good storyline this, you really can feel Emily's pain and it is teeing up for a great test of faith storyline for a long standing character.

Darth and Tracy are not getting on well, mainly due to Darth not wanting her there. Tracy however knows how to win Darth over and says, "Look Darth, my body is basically your potty to do with as your bodily functions will." This convinces Darth to keep her around. Steve is not happy at his quite frighteningly ugly daughter being left in a house with a Sith Lord, and they nearly have a fight. It is all very silly, but it was nice to see a reappearance of Steve's "Why the Fuck is This Happening to Me?" face after a long hiatus. Later in the week Darth starts to talk about the reasons why he wants to mictirate on women, something to do with his mum or something, but he clams up just at the point at which I was starting to get to this side of the "interested" post.

Tracy makes the mistake of thinking that this has weakened Darth and starts to take the mickey by leaving him alone with Amy all day. Charlie marches round to the pub with Amy in his arms and tells Tracy that she is chucked and her and her ugly kid are out, bag and baggage. Tracy tries to calm him but he says "I'm off to town to meet a mate and probably pull. Have you any idea how full my bladder is?!". Tracy: upset. Shelley: told you so. Darth: dark side fully returned.

All in Casa Carp is relatively normal, normal for them anyway. PPPhil returns from the shops and has bought David a Westlife CD (what the fuck?!), apparently the Carp said he liked them. Now PPPhil may be an evil foot maitherer but I am sure he is not stupid enough to think that a teenager as angry and messed up as David is going to storm out of the room and put "Flying Without Wings" on full blast? Anyway DAvid is suitably unimpressed and he tells PPPhil so, PPPHil drags him down the stairs and puts his hand in the door and says "How would you like me to break your fingers eh? You ugly wee shite on wheels." The Carp comes in as PPPhil releases David and he runs upstairs. PPPhil says, " I guess he disnae like Westlife", and smirks the smile of the evil. David also keeps seeing some blond woman around a lot and ends up in her house, for reasons I can't fathom. Maybe all will become clear next week.

Welcome to the most pathetically contrived plot in the history of Soapland. Tyrone and Molly have a day out on the van selling hot dogs and uncomfortably getting close to each other. On the way the home the van catches fire as they are driving along (oh my sides!), they drive along for a mile, incredibly without Tyrone spotting the flames in his mirrors (bang! there goes another rib!), they then decide the best way to put it out is to drive it into a duck pond in a park (oh stop it, please! I can't take anymore hilarity!). They end up snogging, surprise surprise. They are quite a well matched couple actually, in that they are both pointless characters and borderline retards.

Fred has kicked out Orchid permanently, but not before her Unconvincing Gangster Boyfriend terrified Rita out of her own house.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Frankie, Nathan: Going on a date (Frankie's eyebrows really need doing by the way)
BONG! Wurzel, Violet: still together
BONG! Deirdre: being blackmailed at work by someone about something (mind refusing to compute.)
BONG! The bookgroup: met once again, with hilarious results (seriously)
BONG! Dev & Amber: nice little relationship building.

February 07, 2006

In which the shit plot percentage rises to 90% and Dev has plenty of scope for RaNDOm SHoutING.

Well where to begin with the last week's Compendium of Crap? I'm assuming that all the decent Corrie writers have been granted a sabbatical after their years of sterling work and have been replaced by a set of monkeys with typewriters if the latest offerings are anything to go by. I warn you now I'm saving the good bit (the Websters) until the end. Here goes...

Dev and Sunita are spending more time together, this is due to Dev continuing to pop round and Sunita being so tired she is probably hallucinating and seeing him as some kind of swarthy angel. Anyway, her resolve weakens so much in her exhaustion that she kisses him, Dev shouts "Woo hoo!", punches the air and goes off to the pub clicking his heels together to celebrate, alone, which tells you a lot. Steve comes in and warns him not to be to complacent or something. In the meantime Shelley tries to get Sunita to stay with her as it seems that she wants to go Lezzer now after being shat on by Peter and literally weed on by Darth Builder, at least that was the impression I got. Sunita however decides that the choice between supping from the hairy cup or licking Dev's oily face for the rest of her life is no choice at all and calls her brother to take her home.

Dev is later walking round being generally happy and having a smug look on his oleaginous face when he spots Sunita getting into the Car of Finality. His Random Shouting Chip goes into into hyperdrive as he stands in front of the Car "yOU CAn't DO THiS to me SuNitaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAaA!". Sunita does what she has to do and leaves teh gelatinous git weeping like a little biddy baby on the Cobblestones Of Karmic Justic. Ha Ha Ha! Amber later pops round to see him and gets a job at the shop. No doubt this is the beginning of a new and totally mediocre storyline. Althought to be fair I like Amber as a character, shame about her dad though.

Liz has come back from the cruise and is in the middle of regaling all and sundry with tales of her holiday when Fred enters, "Yeah so anyway, I was bent over and Vernon took his cymbal stand and put it right up there whilst 3 crew members stood holding their..Oh Fred, Bev's met someone else and is never coming back..anyway where was I? Well, long story short, I was drenched in it." Fred howls with the timbre of brokenhearted. He later is telling the dreadfully boring news to Ashley who cuts himself and they have to go to the hozzer, I wonder why? Welcome to Plot Contrivance 101: As they enter the hospital, Fred spots Orchid being wheeled in, Black and Blue (for those who do not know, Orchid was a woman who pretended to be a Thai bride to con Fred out of his money about 4 years ago, he found out, she disappeared. No I don't know why she is back either..). There is much to-ing and fro-ing, but basically, she's been beaten up by a psycho called Stuart and Fred wants to care for her, as she is sorry for her previous actions and Fred is a good man simply looking for a decent looking oriental woman to indulge his sexual desires. Fred ropes Rita in to letting her stay and Rita agrees but treats Stacy (her real name) with disdain because of her past. That's ex-prostitute, stripper and showgirl Rita by the way. Things get better between them and they go to town, only to return to find Rita's flat trashed, Rita wants to call the police, Orchid doesn't, Fred simply wants to take Orchid from behind. Orchid does a runner to Fred's and tries to turn on the Orchid charm, Fred feels the sap rising but is strong and casts her into the street like a bucket of effluent in Tudor London. I have absolutely no idea why this plot is even happening, if anyone has any clue please suggest it in the comments, as I am completely in the dark.

Jason and Sarah are back together again, mainly because Jason is horny and Sarah obviously does not mind being his sex receptacle, what would Millie Tant say? Perverted Podiatrist Phil is still hanging round and angering David, so David goes to spend time at his Dad's house, only to return with news that Martin's mad missus is preggers. Anyway, on Sarah's birthday she receives a card addressed from Richard Hillman, GASP! Straight away the finger of blame turns upon David, who denies everything, PPPhil sits there being normal, Jason wonders if this means no sex for him tonight.

Maria thiks she's pregnant, she then isn't and is chuffed, whereas Tyrone is disappointed. Tyrone has been thinking and he sits Maria down and lays it on the line to her, "Look, you're decent looking in a suburban Manchester sort of way, and I'm a gurning, borderline retarded waste of screen time, so I'm finishing with you before you get the chance to do it ot me, you bitch". Maria: sad but probably relieved. Tyrone: irritating. He puts all his energy into getting his business up and running, the nation puts all its enery into trying to keep watching the cowpat of a story. Molly starts to help him more which will no doubt lead to a coupling of two gurning imbeciles for our viewing delectation.

Eileen and St Ed are still going along nicely. Eileen is absolutely gagging for a seeing to and in the end gets him told. St Ed says that quick sex is not the way to go and that they have a future together that must not be ruined. Translation: I was turned wrongmo in prison and I need to be well entrenched in a relationship with you before I introduce the notion that I want you to use a strap-on on me. Eileen: charmed. St Ed: lovely but wrong.

THE WEBSTERS - Saviours of Soap Opera!

Rersio and Craigiet continue to make sweet, sweet love to the chagrin of their respective parents/guardian. Kev and Sall cook up a plot to foil their oversexed teenage ways: reporting them to the police for underage doing of the sex. Genius. Sally tells the police that Craigiet forced Rersio to do the terrible deed, police respond "Are you sure she's not just a bit of a slapper Mrs Webster?". They then go round to Keith's to have a word with Craigiet, where they find out THE TRUTH: No-one forced anyone, they are both bang at it and heavy on it.

Having been foiled in the police plan, Sally moves on to plan B: send Rersio ski-ing. No I haven't just made that up. Kev is not happy about it, but Sally insists and leaves him looking like a confused slightly more simian Colin Farrell. Rersio tells Craigiet the news, he believes that she should go and return stronger in their love and that'll learn all the olds that they are the Real Deal. I predict she will come back and will have gone off him, as 15 year olds do, and Craig will be heartbroken and will have to console himself with leaving the show and having a pop career.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Ronnie winding up tracy, Steve not happy
BONG! Tracy & Amy moved in with Darth. Darth: not happy.

January 25, 2006

In which I have to do 2 weeks of plot, due to missing last week's update

Sorry about last week, and a big shout out to my reader in Japan!

To business. The Wonderful Websters of Weatherfield continue to be the best, most realistic and entertaining family on the tellybox at the moment. Rersio and Craigiet have been caught on the nest again and Sally erupts like a social climbing Vesuvius intent on destroying the Pompeii of their teenage love (see what I did there?). Anyway, Rersio tells her mother that they love each other and that Craigiet had his wellies on, so there is no need to worry. Sally deems this response as "unacceptable" and gets the morning after pill and forcefeeds it to Rersio. Sally: Psycho. Rersio: abused. Nation: Aghast. Kevin makes the sensible comment to Sally that "maybe it's best if we let this burn itself out as we can't keep them apart can we?" Sally says, "What, and have her knocked up and in a 2 up 2 down marrried to a confused looking, slightly more simian Colin Farrell like me? I want more for her than that Kevin!" Sally storms out leaving Kevin alone and looking like a confused, slightly more simian Colin Farrell.

Meanwhile, Rersio & Craigiet go to the doctor to get the pill. They must face the Carp on reception who looks unimpressed and very, very ugly. When they eventually get to the doctor, their normal doctor has been replaced by a scottish man with a ginger beard, which we all know is a sign of evil, and protestant puritanism. Rersio asks for the pill, Dr Evil says "Nay, thou art too innocent of age", Craigiet says "We've done nothing wrong" which seems to be his stock response to everything these days. In the end Dr Evil relents and says "I shall give you that which you seek as I would rather though inbibe said medication, fear less thou may cometh unto me seeking womb-based child murder. However, knoweth that thou wilst suffer hell's pains perpertually for thy fecund activities". Rersio & Craigiet are now free to make rampant love to their hearts content, or at least until Sally finds the pills.

I for one wish that I had Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind disease as I desperately want to forget this whole storyline, but here goes.. EvilBradley wants Mike to sign the business over to him before he starts pissing himself and thinking it's 1962, Mike doesn't want to. However he then ends up on the roof of the factory in a confused state, and agrees to whatever EvilBradley wants. GoodBradley is feeling guilty about the whole thing but Lady McLeanne is chuffed. Mike then goes to Spain, and let's EvilB and Lady McLeanne stay in his flat. McLeanne loves it when a plan comes together. I am still betting that Wurzel somehow comes to the rescue, after he has made the beast with 2 backs with Frankie, speaking of which...

Wurzel and Frankie have finally discovered that Sue Ellen is telling them both the same thing about them being after each other, so basically the truth then? Anyway, Wurzel has had enough and throws her out bag and baggage into the street like a drunken Jack Russell. Frankie says, "Christ you are sexy when you are angry". They are however still in denial, so Wurzel organises a date with lisping Violet. Whist on said date they encounter all from Casa Carp including Jason who corners Wurzel in the toilet and tells him not to go near Violet's foof or obbly-bobbly bits under any circumstances, Wurzel sends him packing, but not before Sarah overhears the row and starts one of her own with Jason around the "Why do you care about what she is doing?" theme.

Next day Jason comes to see Violet and tries to woo her by inviting her back to his place for some sex, the cad. Violet is disctinctly dis-chuffed and sends him packing, however later Jason proposes to her (eh?)and she is conflicted but ultimately says no. Jason returns to Sarah only to get a gobload for not responding to messages, he loses his rag and says "look you're just a slapper who I was using as my fuck-toy, I love Violet". Gail chucks him out and Sarah cuffs David, for reasons unknown, probably because he is very, very ugly.

In other Carp related developments. Phil has a normal conversation with David about being a lad surrounded by women, David begins to soften until Phil says "look I know things haven't been easy with your mum and everything.." David angers and says "No I don't fancy her, and in no way have a Oedipal desire to have sex with her which you are preventing me from doing!" and deliberately smashes Phil's fingers in the car boot. Arf arf!

St Ed, is still being nice to Emily and putting the moves on Eileen, Norris is not happy and is suspicious and very camp. St Ed confesses to Emily that he has been in chokey and that is where he found God, learned to paint, fix toaster and how to take 8 inches in his rear passage. Emily says "the past is the past St Ed, and it the present that we must look to. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you, crush you without mercy". St Ed has a date with Eileen, he confessed to all about the chokey time, Norris is smug, nobody else is bothered. Eileen invites him in for Rampant Christian Sex coffee. St Ed denies, and probably goes home for a good bout of self-flagellation.

Sunita is still denying Dev his paternal rights, and he is no doublt looking longingly at a Batman suit or a plot to kidnap a high profile child to highlight his plight. Steve however has a better idea and tells him to go and register the births himself. Sunita then tries to register the births and is told that it has already been done. She summons Dev, who says "BUT yoU WOUld nOt let me GET INvolVEd in ANY OTHER waY". Later in the week they spend more time together, Dev is hopeful, and Sunita lets him hold the twins, he weeps the salt tears of the stupid, "BoO HOO hoo, boO HoO hOo".

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Tyrone, Maria,. In press competition, Ty bought a van. Maria not happy. Nation not bothered
BONG! Jack, Vera. The art thing is still going on. I neither know nor care what it is about
BONG! I think the dog thing is still ongoing in the Barlow house, but my brain refuses to process it any longer.

January 11, 2006

In which over 50% of the plots are frankly rubbish

Rersio & Craigiet continue to suffer the Separation Of The Wanton, and are yearning for each other like the Charlie Kennedy and Creme de Menthe (allegedly). They manage to sneak a conversation through a window (can you see what they did there?) but are spending most of their time apart and no doubt horny as hell. They do get some time together later in the week at Keith's House of Sin and they wax about how "everyone must be really sad and unfulfilled as they have never known love like we knows the love of each other", or something. Brillliant teenage nonsense from Corrie here: no gangsters, no people being paid to shag children, no bald bloke who looks about 40. You know who I'm talking about! Rersio is being very well behaved at home as a smokescreen for her lascivious actions and desires, Craigiet is still looking sullen and tortured (apart from when he is on Soapstar Superstar where he looks cute and lovely).

In other Webster-related news, Serphie is being bullied do to a Severe Lack of Norks. Hayley manufactures her a padded bra with skills she learned in her transformation days. Serphie is a first none to chuffed at the idea that Hayley could understand her problems, but Hayley says "There was no-one more flat chested than me, due to being a bloke and all that", and Serphie realises that if the miraculous bra could make a fella have yaps then it must be a good one. All is happy in Webster Towers, I have a feeling it won't last...

Mike has become like the king of the Rohirrim in Lord of the Rings when he was in the control of Saruman and his own henchman, except Mike is under the control of his Amazing Forgetting Mind Disease and EvilBradley, but you get my drift. Mike throws Penny out for reasons I cannot remember (maybe it's catching), he then throws Adam out after EvilBradley uses his Malevolent Cockney Charm to convince him they are having an affair. Mike then says that he is going to write to Mark, his 27th, son to try and "sort things out", EvilBradley says "I'll post it for you mwahahahahaha!", he then symbolically screws it up and once again goes "Mwahahahahaha!". I'm assuming that GoodBradley is frozen in some Ice somewhere and that him and EvilBradley will battle it out in a scrapyard at some point, like that scene in Superman 3. EvilBradley does begin to feel guilty about what he is doing bu Lady McLeanne tells him to carry on, my wife reckons that it was Frankiwe that curbed this more horrible streak in Bradley and now he is without her it is running free. She may be right, or it may be that the scriptwriters are just being lazy and changing his character, you decide.

All is not well at Casa Carp. Ugliest Teenager Ever David, is stropping around and generally not being very nice to anyone, especially Phil. Whilst Gail is out they have a row over National Geographic Channel vs MTV2, Phil flips and picks David up and puts him against the wall, David looks terrified and surprisingly less ugly when vulnerable. Phil suddely catches himself on and puts him down, David says "ooooooooooooooo, you've done it now mister! When I tell my mum your haggis munching arse will be out of that door quicker than you can say Glenmorangie!". On Gail's return Phil says "I just shouted at him a bit that's all", Gail believes him and has a chat with David. David goes mad and says "I knew you wouldn't believe me, all you care about is getting backscuttled on a regular basis and not about ME!" Gail cuffs him one and David runs upstairs. Gail & Phil then settle down to watch Happy Families on the telly over a glass of wine whilst David looks through the bars on the stairs like some demented, bewigged John Malkovich.

Jason and Eileen have a row about Sarah, Jason threatens to leave, Eileen deosn't want to lose another son, especially one that stands a chance of giving her Grandkids, so becomes more accomodating with Sarah.

Emily has met a bloke called Ed at a Christian Indoctrination Cult Bible Group or somewhere, he seems very nice and is also making moves on Eileen. All will soon turn to shite soon though for Emily, I won't put the spoiler in here, if you want it then ask for it in the comments.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Maria waxes Tyrone. Oh how we didn't laugh.
BONG! The Barlows have a dog. It doesn't like Ken. Hilarity* as he ties to befriend it.
BONG! Liz & Vernon off on Cruise
BONG! Fred. Not gone on cruise. Tedious "we fancy each other but can't tell each other" storyline alert!!

* Utterly tedious and painful shite

January 03, 2006

It's Christmas Time, there's every need to be afraid.

The Baldwin Clan (minus Wurzel and Frankie, but plus Leanne) go to The Ubiquitous Clock for Christmas dinner, also in attendance is Sue Ellen with Tony Slattery, but on a separate table obviously. She later becomes very drunk natch and then starts having a go at Bradley, until the phone Wirzel, who turns up with Frankie to take the poor pissed-up wretch home. Bradley and McBaldwin are continuing to snipe at one another, in a very boring manner, then Bradleys mum turns up, I can't remember her name but she used to be in Eldorado. Anyway, Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind kicks into overdrive and he asks where Harry is, cue slack-jawed looks from around the table, Bradley says "erm, he's dead Michael", Mike looks like a confused terrapin. he later leaves to go for "a walk" and is found by Wurzel in a foetal position outside the factory gently rocking backwards & forwards and weeping like a baby at bedtime. He says "I'm losing my mind", Wurzel says "No you're not". Mike says "But I forgot my own brother was dead". Wurzel says "What? You are totally gone mate, erm I mean you're just tired, now let's get you home and into a nappy". Mike now sees Wurzel as his saviour, and has put his number in his phone for emergencies. I predict that there are going to be Will-rigging shenanegins and Mike will spite them all by leaving everything to Wurzel, you read it here first. Disturbingly, I've started liking Wurzel recently, can I get a tablet for this or something? There is much more forgetting stuff that happens, including Proposing to Penny and then forgetting, but I'm sure you've got the gist now haven't you...

Steve and Ronnie end up at the Barlow's for christmas dinner leading to a frankly hilarious board-game scene that I would not do justice recounting here.

Sue Ellen has fallen off the wagon and into a giant vat of vodka and bitterness. She is upset that Jamie seems to like Frankie, we of course know that he fancies the pants off her. She takes every opportunity to have a go at Frankie to Jamie, in order to turn him to the dark side, he however is not listening and fantasising about Frankie's boobs. Frankie spends New Year's Eve with Nathan, flirting and generally having a good time, she kisses Jamie at midnight and he undoubtedly gets a semi-on, but it goes no further. He later ends up doing a runner for some reason, I must admit I missed this episode, so anyone who can fill in the blanks, feel free.

Rersio and Craig-iet is continuing apace, with the star-crossed lovers of Weatherfield bang at it and heavy on it. On New Year's Eve they spend the night in Keith's house, Rersio wearing a very lovely dress in my opinion, and end up making the sex after Craigiet tells her that he "worships her". Only teenagers could think that was good, an adult's Freak Alarm would be triggered immediately by someone saying that. Anyway, Sally catches them in bed and has a fit of Victorian style moral outrage about it and locks poor Rersio in the tower. Kevin shouts with a confused look on his face as per and threates "pastings" and the like. It seems a slightly hysterical reaction for Sally to be honest, yes they are underage but 1) they think they loove each other and therefore are giving their virg to someone very special, 2) they bagged up. In this day and age it's the best you can hope for I reckon. Sally then spends the rest of the week being in ans Extreme State of Rage and everybody in the whole world, especially after she fidns out Keith and Audrey knew about it, but were probably too busy making the sex themselves to care (ewwww!). Silly cow.

Also on NYE, Deirdre insists her and Ken go out and that Tracy must babysit for her own daughter. Tracy: not happy. Later on Darth Builder pops round and persuades Tracy to go to his place for spot of festive micturition, why she didn't invite him in I don't know, probably worried about the couch stinking of piss. Anyway she leaves Amy in BABY HOME ALONE SHOCKER! She returns later and all is well. I can only guess this will now be a regular occurence, until about mid Feb, when Amy will get out of her cot and try to cook chips and set the chip-pan on fire, which in the real world would then lead to care proceedings, but in Soap world will lead to Amy simply being given to Steve. ken and Deirdre return home after a vomit-inducing conversation about an "early night and a big bed" to find Amy and Tracy all snuggled on the sofa. Tracy is shaping up into a pretty good villain actually and her and Charlie are a great pairing.

In other Christmas news (abbreviated):
BONG! Les, Cilla. non-comedy borken cooker, deep fry dinner in chippy, chippy burnt down.
BONG! Clurr. Pregnant.
BONG! Fred & Bev. A couple - nearly.
BONG! Sean. wants babies. Violet, willing to be his breeding sow.
BONG! Ronnie, nicks £5k from Taxilord. Sees him in prison. Steve in danger.

January 01, 2006


A very Happy New Year to all readers and I wish you and yours all the very best for 2006. Thanks for reading my ranting scrawls, and thanks for your lovely comments in 2005.

I will be updating sometime this week when my headache clears...