June 16, 2005

All you wanna do is boss around Sally (boss sally boss)

More crypto shenanigans in the Rovers, which is becoming alarmingly like the Bates Motel as the weeks progress; loony downstairs with no friends, female figure appearing at the window occasionally, "We don't get many people coming in these days, not since they made Rosamund Street one-way"....

Anyway, Shell gets out of bed and dressed up to go shopping (in Evans' no doubt, the high street shop for fat rabbits), only to look out of the window and see her mother talking to Charlie, thus ending her desire to go shopping and sends her frankly more barmy than before, why is not explained very well. Charlie comes to see her and she says something like, " I forbid you to see that woman again Norman! She is evil, you will not see her again Norman!". Charlie tries for the "more than a cuggle" approach again but it rebbuffed. No borderline rapeage for you tonight pal, sling it!

Bradley Walsh has to go out and tells Janice to inform McBarlow that he is in charge. Spying an opportunity to rub Sally's nose in her faux-poshism, the postbox in a wig tells Sally that Bradley has put her in charge. Sally: happy, Janice: last collection 4:30. Sally sets about straightening out the evidently cockamamie show that is the factory computer. On Bradley's return he tells Sally to get away from the precious things of the office or else she'll be out, OUT I TELL YOU! Sally cries and runs home only to face more Herbivorous resistance from Rersie.

Enough is enough for Sally who goes mental mental, chicken oriental as she rips up and launches a bunch of tulips into everyone's dinner. Kevin is not a happy man because he only got the stalks and everyone knows the Northern man gets the biggest piece of dinner, flora or not.

More wonderful scenes from Blanche and one of her cronies, this time involving line dancing, a sore hip and "Wagon's Roll!" in a wheelchair...she is fabulous. Tracy is more concerned about the house, we are more concerned by which method we woudl most like to see Tracy killed.

Roy's grandad is dead and he might see his dad again. Apparently he wasn't very nice, don;t worry I'm sure he'll beam with pride when he finds out you've grown up into a weirdo married to another bloke.

June 14, 2005

Charlie says, "never listen to your mummy, you fat cow"

Shelley is trurning into a cross between Miss Haversham and Bette Davies in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane", but with less bollocks. Ironically, Charlie has actually hit her with a door so she is hiding out as he has convinced her that the public will not believe the TRUTH and it is ALL HER FAULT. Shelley simpers and shakes for a bit, but is successful in repelling all borders from the likes of Jason on a ladder and Fred on mission. Deirdre decides enough is enough (much like we have decided enough is enough of her waspy belt, with added pot belly emphasis) and phones Shelley's mother: cue all hell breaking loose. Long story short Shelley throws her out and says "Why will no-one believe me that my Charlie loves me and doesn't degrade me, break me down bit by bit and turn me into a gibbering jelly afraid of my own shadow?". Note to self Shell: 'because he has love'.

Anyway, this is of course Shelley's fault in Charlie's Psycho World Of Sinister Coercion and so she must pay! He finishes with her, but then gets back with her after making a speech somehow involving calling her a "Big Fat Rabbit", and ends in telling Shelley that she must "show how much she loves him". This involves shagging him when she just wants a cuggle... nice. Charlie: Chuffed. Shelley: Borderline raped. Nation: feels uncomfortable.

All is now well and Shelley decides it is time to greet her adoring public, for some reason this must be done dressed as a bat with bingo wings, however she cannot get to the bottom of the stairs without getting all out of breath. This means she is either a) unfit from lying in bed for a fortnight, or b) having panic attacks, due to being borderline raped and called a big fat rabbit. You make up your minds

The new Baldwin clan are unaware that Bradley Walsh is having it away with Leanne (poor girl, she has a direct choice between a lad with a Vileda supermop for a hairdo or a crinkled game show host with teeth so white it looks like they arelit by a U2 concert rig). Anyway, he says "i want you", she says "alright then", a nation says "I'm putting the kettle on."

Tracy is getting full on with Steve, she wants to move in. Steve spends all week going through his vast repertoire of "why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces.

The Webster household is unhappy, Sally can't get a decent job as Improbable Ian has hacked into her Reed online user account and put "a bit of how's your father" and "slag" in her 'job skills' section, thus making her only employable to middle aged car dealers or Peter Stringfellow. Rersie is a vegetarian, Sally comes over all James Mason in Spring and Port Wine and says she will "eat your pork chop or else you'll sit there until Sisters of Mercy reform, you goth bitch" or something. Rersie gives her a look with her ice blue eyes that says "Just keep pushing lady, and I'll tell Dad that you got one in the naughty place from Sven Goran Eriksson". This is warming up nicely...

Welcome to It's Corrie....

This will be a weekly update of the comings and goings in Coronation Street as seen by real life northerner Frank, me.

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