December 22, 2005

Mikey Wrongmind and the Knicker Factory

First of all apologies for missing the update last week and being late with this one, I have had little boy in hospital issues to deal with and have also had to build another website in my spare time for the band I am in ( for anyone who is interested).

Another cheque has gone missing or something and Mike is blaming everyone else as per. He instigates a regime of Tenko style searching on the ladies in the factory, demanding they empty their bags, pockets and internal body cavities before leaving. Everyone accepts this except Hayley, who is no doubt wondering how anyone could search her foof as it is an inside-out clacker, and she refuses to be searched on a Matter of Trust . Mike insists, then in the end sacks her. The amount of Employment & Human Rights Law broken in that exchange is staggering by the way. Hayley tries to rally the troops around for a strike, but they all make excuses about being skint and Christmas coming etc. Fair enough everyone else maybe, bt for Janice to refuse is well out of order after Hayley dragged everyone out on strike for her. Mind you, I'm forgetting that Janice is a disgusting human being and so I should expect no more really.

Next day in the pub, Mike demands to know why Hayley was not at work this morning, Hayley says "Because you sacked me, you menc". "No I never" replies Mike, "You must have misunderstood". Hayley, glad to get her job back, says fair enough. Stupidly everyone else says Ok as well. Sack someone in a fit of temper one day, forget it happened the next day and no-one bats an eyelid - how very realistic. On and they find the cheque in the end, as if we cared. Bradley has enough of it all, between McBarlow's shit acting and Mike Amazing Forgetting Mind he can see the factory going to the dogs. He sits in his armchair sipping whisky and making noises about "taking what is his" and "putting an end to it". Bradley: scheming. The Nation: soporific.

Phil's flat has flooded so he has to move in to Casa Carp for the Festive period. Mother of the Year Gail agrees to this without even a mention to David - that's confused, angry, unhappy, jealous, borderline alcoholic David - well done Gail. Amazingly David is not happy about it and thinks that Phil is lying about his flat being flooded. He is later arrested by the cops for hanging around the flat and being far too ugly to be seen in public. On his return Phil kicks off about how David is a criminal and the Police got their just in time before he started his one boy destruction spree. Gail remembers that she has a son for a minute and defends him, maybe next time she will try talking to him in the first place, instead of simply making that awful simpering face every time Phil speaks. Gail says what would he know anyway as he doesn't havfe any kids, or does he? It is the second time in a week that she has said this and for the second time Phil looked wistfully into the distance like a contemplative Wolfhound.

The Sex-o-matic Plague has spread from Casa Carp to next door this week it would seem. Keith and Audrey go for a drink and they end up tipsy (and frisky!), Keith says Audrey can stay over and she looks a bit concerned, he apologises profusely for his wanton desire. She says "Never mind that, get your Farah's off you Sheffield love machine!" and they lick each other faces. Ewwwww! Next morning, they are awkward and Blanche spots Audrey leaving in "yesterday's Lilac jumper". Later in the pub K&A proudly announce that "We have nothing to be ashamed of, I gave this woman a jolly good seeing to last night, anyone got a problem with it?". No-one could speak as they were all concentrating on not throwing up.

Rersie and Craig are to attend the Posh School Ball for Posh Kids together, Sally buys a balck dress for Rersie that is minging in a major way, Serphie deals ewith it Pretty in Pink stylee by creating her own design for it. It mostly involves ripping it. She comes down looking like a much more attractive Siousxie Sioux. Sally: not happy. Rersie: "Whatever". Craig turns up looking like Edward Scissorhands. Rersie's friend turns up and says "My up two look absolutely aces, pip pip, my mummy bought me this boring thing, ra ra, jolly hockey sticks". Sally is then happy, because a teenager whose family happen to have money likes what her daughter is wearing. Sally: a stupid, stupid cow. After the ball, R&C end up doing the sex, Goth version, which probably involves putting on Temple of Love and keeping a angry face throughout. In the morning Craig wants to shout their love from the rooftops of Weatherfield, Rersie is less keen, what with her mum not being in chokey there is a high possibililty she might kill her if she hears and put herself there. Poor Craig is crestfallen, as he loves Rersie and has no-one else other than his tight grandad and a load of stuffed animals.

Audrey finds out and advises Rersie that she is too you for the sex, Goth version or otherwise. Rersie, says, "Just coz you and your Granddaughter got preggers don't mean I will, I'm not a stupid slapper!". At which point Sally enters, and Audrey does the decent thing and doesn't tell her, way to go Audrey! This story has been written and acted very well I think.

Speaking of plots written and acted very well, here are a few that are neither of those things:

Kelly has won some money on a scratchcard, Lloyd is advising fiscal caution, kelly want to spend it all. Somehow this leads to a row in the clock, and Kelly getting mugged. No, me neither.

Tracey and Steve are rowing over who should have Amy on Christmas Day.

Liz Taylorette has a date with her boss from the bookies, played by none other than a quite frighteningly rough looking Tony Slattery. Mind you if reports are to believed he hasn't been out of his house for 4 years so it's not suprising. Anyway, they go to the clock but it turns out that he is only going out with her to make his ex jealous. Liz T is very unhappy and nearly hits the bottle again under the pressure allied with a goading Bradley, but she doesn't. Later Eric asks her out again and she agrees.

December 06, 2005

Frankie my dear, I don't give a damn

Frankie is being told by Liz Taylorette that she must cut all ties with Bradley and make a clean break, what's her game then? Frankie for some reason takes the advice of a recovering alcoholic who hates her and tells Bradley that she wants a divorce. However she then thinks she may have made a mistake and pops round to see Bradley to give him another chance, as she realises she doens't want to end up like Liz Taylorette. She promptly catches him in the afterglow of the sex he has just had with Leanne. Ruh-roh! The thousand pieces that Frankie's heart is already in splinter into a further thousand pieces at the sight of such betrayal.

Frankie then turns to the demon drink, and proceeds to get plastered. Tracy spots a chance to be evil and invites Frankie to join her and Nathan, she then tries to set her up with Darth Builder. His eyes light up at the thought of another vulnerable woman to go wee wee on. Nathan, who obviously felt a disturbance in the force, realises that Frankie must be rescued and takes her home. Once inside Frankie passes out on the couch and Liz Taylorette leans over and says, "You sleep now, Liz will make it all better, and by better I mean unimaginably worse, YOU TEENAGE BABYSITTER SLUTWHORE!!!" . Cripes!

Next morning Wurzel gloats to Leanne that Bradley will only hurt her etc. Leanne decides that the best thing to do is to get together with him proper, Bradley agrees. Roadkill Relationship Alert! They decide they are "not bothered" what people think about them and later in the pub they sit together in a united front of not-botheredism. Wurzel and Frankie clock them and decide to leave, but bump into Bradley on the way out. He tells Frankie that Jamie had Leanne in her house earlier and that he told her she would end up a "pathetic drunken vodkawhore, just like Frankie and Liz Taylorette." Frankie: Upset. Bradley: Evil. Wurzel and Frankie go home and she calms down and they sit on the couch together saying how they mean the world to each other and would quite like to have sex, perhaps around Christmas time, for the ratings and the like. Liz overhears and pretends to hurt herself to get some attention. Passive-Aggressie and needy, not a very good cocktail in a mother Wurzel...

In other Baldwin news, Penny is worried about Mike ad his Amazing Forgetting Mind, and speaks to Bradley about it, Bradley couldn't give a shite. She also speaks to McBarlow about it, and then holds his face in her hands in and erotic and disturbing manner, for reasons I cannot as yet understand.

The Tradesman's Ball. (Warning! Includes non-comedy) Diggory pays Liz McCleavage to be his escort for the evening, nice. However, she then abandons him to hook up with Vernon, the drummer from the band, who used to be the market inspector in EastEnders, and looks a bit on the shifty side. Keith and Audrey have a row about a suit or something, I don't really know what happened as I was rendered blind by my own indifference. Fred and WBBev get on well and end up having a small face-lick at the end of the night, I've opened a book on how long it takes him to propose. Liz later sees Vernon on other dates and is all gushing and happy about how wonderful he is, this only happens in soaps when something truly awful is about to happen. Diggory also sacks her in a fit of fat and ugly jealousy.

Ashley is blind in one eye, there is an unitentionally hilarious scene where the doctor removes his eyepatch and he squeaks, "It's just blackness". Thing is I can't help feeling that if I were in the same situation I wouldn't really be bothered, I mean losing sight in one eye ain't the end of the world is it? Not like losing a leg, or a wife to an unconvincing murderer. I know he has to handle sharp knives in his work but so do pirates and they do alright with only one eye. Anyway, he spends the week being moody and full of self-pity, the nation spends the week full of apathy and boredom.

Tracy has moved from Peripheral Evil this week to larger role of Evil in the central plotting. She is cozying up with Darth and at one point offers to "share herself" with Nathan and Darth. Darth smiles and the idea of twos-up with added wee wee, Nathan however has had enough and finishes with her on the spot, calling her a "pretty girl but a vile, ugly, incosequential evil character with too many teeth". Tracy cannot believe the audacity of the man, we cannot belive it took him so long....

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Serphie, rough new cousin/friend, Sally: not happy
BONG! Chesney, sad about above development. (poor Ches)

November 30, 2005

Eye of the (Blind) Tiger

Corrie is continuing this season's theme of "shit", this week. However, shit is a relative term and compared to the other soap this week, Corrie's shit is actually good, if you follow me. I mean really EastEnders, do you not remember what happened to the last soap that tried to include lesbianism and gangsters? Here's a hint. Anyway I digress....

Tracy has decided to be horrible to Clurr, we are not told why, it seems to have just come from nowhere without explanation or backstory, like David Cameron. It begins with her making comments about Clurr having no friends, moves through a row in the Rovers and ends up with Ashley in hospital. If none of this interests you I suggests you miss this section, I unfortunately cannot as I have a duty to my public, who are probably already skipping this section....

Clurr gives Tracy a taxi ride home, Tracy refuses to pay as Steve is to blame for everything and so she should get free taxis. Little Amy has a cough and Clurr points out that it sounds nasty and that her friend's kid had a cough that turned into the Bubonic Plague or something. Tracy says "I'm sorry", Clurr says "Oh she's ok now", Tracy says, "No I'm sorry because I didn't think you had any friends." With wit like this around I bit Eddie Izzard is shitting himself. Anyway, later Ashley and Nathan are in the pub and the ladies turn up there is another row in which nasty things are said etc etc blah blah.

Next day, Nathan and Ashley meet up for their weekly homo-erotic sweating boxing session. Ashley tells Nathan that Tracy is an evil person with too many teeth, and is a character of limited consequence and importance in the current plotting, she however serves as an evil presence as a juxtaposition against the wholesome nature of the rest of the characters, and is also used to cause occasional stupid plots like this one that is about to happen. Nathan says she was "only having laugh". Ashley won't let it go, and continues "the good/evil dichotomy has been used in storytelling since the beginning of the written word, but was popularised more recently in the Star Wars films, with Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker. Tracy, by the way, has teeth like Darth Vader's mask grill". Nathan has heard enough and smacks him one. He then shouts, "I told you not to push me! I fundamentally disagree with your analysis of the history of drama and the role played by good/evil, AND, Tracy is my bird!" Nathan then goes into the changing room and savagely beats the locker up. What does this tell us about him I wonder? Ashley is left crumpled on the floor like some squeaky voiced draught excluder.

Nathan later confesses to being a former criminal with anger issues to Kevin, Kevin says, "But growing up black in thatLondon you have to be a criminal don't you?". Nathan confesses to actually being a middle class lad who went off the rails. Fair play to Corrie, it would have been easy to have had him come from Stonebridge or Tower Hamlets, but at least they changed stereotype a bit.

Upshot of it all is that Ashley might be blind in one eye, I am impressed at how very little I care.

Bradley has set his sights on winning Frankie back as it is their anniversary, so he has activated the "overdrive" function on hi s "Cheeky Mockney Charm" machine. He releases a giant balloon off the top of the factory with "I love you" on it, she goes mad and says it has done nothing but embarrass her, however her eyes tell a different story.... He later pops round to work some more cheeky magic on her, she is jsut about to cave in when Wurzel and Liz Taylorette come in. Wurzel gets all "Grrrr, Smash!" and throws Bradley out, then chins him and lays him out. Fair play, hitting those gnashers must've hurt his hand. Bradley's advances are thwarted, but for how long? In other Baldwin related news, Mike is getting more forgetful and has forgot to bank a cheque that he forgot he was given. I hope he does this nearer Christmas and then the local rich man can foreclose on the business, then Bradley will try and top himself before being shown what life would be like had he never existed by his Guardian Angel - "there was no 5th series of Wheel Of Fortune Bradley, you were not around to present it.." Anyway all further evidence of Mike's creeping Alzheimer's.

The Jason/Violet/Sarah Triangle of Horn has ended as it is in the open now. Violet is upset with Sean for not telling her the TRUTH, she later finds out that Eileen also knew the TRUTH. She has to seek solace with Sunita and Shelley, past masters at the finding out of the TRUTH. Sarah now wants them to be a proper couple, Jason has a look in his eyes that suggests that he'd rather boil his own head, but agrees anyway as he is a builder of very little brain.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Trademan's Ball, Fred, Diggory, trying to find women to take
BONG! Kirk, Fiz, sorting stuff out. Molly: plotting
BONG! Les, Cilla, now properly married. Oh how we laughed (by "we" I mean "no-one")

November 23, 2005

I'm Just a Teenage Dirtbag, Baby.

Can I first say that having looked into it I can confirm that this is the worst week of Corrie since records began, even worse than the Spider/Emily/Red Rec debacle. I can also confirm that Ernest Bishop is alive and well, my Uncle saw him playing guitar for Bob Dylan at the MEN Arena last week.

Sunita has sought the counsel of Shelley in her hour of need, who incidentally seems to have recovered from a 2 year mental mauling in the space of two weeks, without so much as one additional session with Dr Finchy. Way to go writers, confirming the stereotype that overcoming mental illness is simply a matter of "pulling youself together" and "getting real". Anyway, whilst she is there the Devmeister turns up in a fit of randomly shouted emotional turmoil and rage. "ThIS alL happENED YEarS AGO!" he semi-bellows "Don't puNISH Me fOR IT NoW!!", Sunita suggests he tells his Harem of Improbabilty his woes as she is in the not caring zone, and also she is going to abort his precious babies. Dev cries "NooOOOOoo, not the PREcious!" and runs form the Rovers.

Later Sunita goes around to see Dev in the Office and he does that thing all blokes do and offers her a seat and to make her a cup of tea and other things, it's as if we think that they will be so blinded by us being nice to them that they will forget the fact that we have splintered their heart into a thousand pieces. Sunita says, "Don't bother, I only came round to tell you not to come to the Rivers again, ever." Dev says "bUT we'RE talKING NOw aren't WE?", but Sunita has already left. She also at some point admits she is not having an abortion. I hopes she does, then Corrie could have a stab at The Godfather,Part 2:
"Oh Dev you are so blind"
"What do you mean?"
"I had an abortion Dev, and it was a son Dev, a son! But I did it because all this must stop, all this Indian, Random shouting THING has to stop!"
It would be worth it just to see Dev attempt Al Pacino intensity. I imagine it would involve shouting, randomly.

There is much more of this sort of stuff, but basically Sunita is applying for a Divorce because it is OVER, and Dev is crying over cots and baby things. Tracy winds Dev up about the whole thing and Deirdre is sympathetic and consoling to him. Great, that's all we need, the image of those two making the sex in addition to the Gail/Phil montage in our already poisoned minds. It's like visiting

Mercifully the only sexual action coming from Casa Carp this week is from Sarah and Jason. He is working round there and she is once again making all kids of innuendo at all times, like popping home from the slaon at lunchtime to make him a sandwich, a vagina sandwich with extra boobie" or something, probably. Gail nearly catches them snogging and asks why Sarah is home, " I just came home to sit on Jason's jackhammer get some lunch" she innocently says, the minx. All of this eventually culminates in them having the sex upstairs a couple of days later, however David catches them and his ugly face breaks into and Ugly smirk.

David then decides to blackmail Jason in order to get money for Vodka Ice and Creme de Menthe. Jason pays up as he wants his Triangle of Horn to continue, but later changes his mind when David demands more money for some Laophraig 20 year Single Malt and a kebab, frustrated David attacks him but Jason holds off hid puny teenage attack with his strong "I can do it with 2 girls at once" arms. Gail later finds out, David tells her Jason started it, police called, yadda yadda. NEXT!

Liz Taylorette has hit rock bottom, has faced up to being an alcy abnd has checked into THe Wurzel Clinic. She spends most of the week doing a seemingly poor impression of Nic Cage in Leaving Las Vegas, the scriptwriters for some reason seem to think we care.

The Gothettes are trying to convert the whole of Weatherfield to vegetarianism. They are hatching plans left right and centre, firstly blockading Fred's shop until they are told to stop. There is a great moment as they discuss their next plans when the teenage boy in Craig takes over his principles and he says "can we just pack all this in and go for a snog?" Brilliant. They then get the pig on a lead for some reason and take him around the street. The words bottom, barrel, and scraping come to mind.

In other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Fiz, Kirk, Molly. to shit to even recap
BONG! Tracy, Nathan, can't make the sex, shit who cares?

November 15, 2005

Dev and Debacle

Apropos of nothing, after being out of the main plotting for about 6 months, Dev and Sunita have floated to the top of the Corrie pile this week like a turd in a Royal Doulton. And, just like you can't polish a turd, you cannot polish this storyline in any way. Here goes.

One of Dev's workers, Ravinder, has splintered her fetlock or something, and so her teenage female offspring, Amber, must come and stay at Dev and Sunitas' place. Dev is not happy and enganges in plenty of RANdom sHOUTing about the whole thing. This seems odd, but all will soon become clear, it won't make any sense mind you but it will become clear. Sunita takes Amber back to her flat to await the return of Ravinder and spies a picture of Dev, looking just like Lou Bega of Mambo Number 5 fame, with Ravinder on the fridge. Sunita looks perplexed, and later questions Dev about it who says, "Photo? eh? look over there!" and runs off.

Unhappy with such a response Sunita goes to see Ravinder on the Fetlockology Ward to demand The Truth! Ravinder says "You can't handle the truth! But ask Dev anyway not me". Sunita insists and she confesses that Amber is indeed Dev's child, she then adds "and you might want to have a word with the woman who works in Gorton, oh and the woman who works in Radcliffe, oh and I've got another kid with him as well. But don't worry about the Wigan shop, even Dev wouldn't stoop that low". Sunita: the 5th person in a month to have her heart broken into a thousand betrayed pieces.

Sunita confronts Dev about the Harem of Improbability and he randomly shouts "I was GOIng to TELL you bUT onLY after THe bABIes were born, and ANYWAy hOW was I to KNOW thaT the wRITERS would come up WITH someTHing so bloody STUPID?!" Sunita is having none of it and tells him that it is all over etc etc, liar yadda yadda. In the end some other woman walks in with a baby that is Dev's and Sunita weeps the tears of the betrayed.

I like Sunita, but I cannot feel sorry for her in this, because the storyline is just far too stupid to be taken remotely seriously enough to elicit an emotional response. Shame on you Corrie, I know that Dev Actor Man made it impossible to keep him in the show, but really is this the best you can do? Or is it Sunita that is leaving? Either way it was shite, NEXT!

There is obviously something in the water at Casa Carp as Gail and Sarah are clearly on heat. Sarah is going for Jason in a ruthless manner, making him come round to check the lighting and saying things like "ooh it's high voltage, you'll get a shock with what I can do" and "can you please put your lump hammer right up my foof" or words to that affect anyway. Jason is resisting at the moment, but it is making him feel bad and his poor puny brain cannot cope with it and he is making strange with Violet as a result. Jason: Horny but trying. Sarah: strumpet.

I'm sorry to have to recap what Gail & Phil have been up to as I am sure we have all had enough sleepless nights over it already, but I must try to be professional and give and account. Since Martin has gone to Liverpool with his loopy missus, David has pointed out to Gail that she is a sad act who is all alone and all that. Gail inexplicably takes his advice on board rather than pasting him and sending him to his room, and contacts Phil again. They go out to the Pizza Place, and Phis says, "I'm not ordering food until you tell me what's going on!"
"Well, David told me I need to help myself a bit more"
"Which means?"
"I want your caber in my foof"
Phil pours the wine faster than you can say french letter.

They get back to the house and Gail invites him in for coffee, and they make some more innuendo about being up all night. The nation as one grip their sickbags tighter. They go inside and start licking each other's faces as at every home in the land the vomit flows....

Next day Gail has her simpering face on as she tells her mother and daughter about the fabulous seeing to she had the night before. I repeat that this is to her mother and daughter. Audrey is pleased for her, Sarah decides to recdouble her efforts with Jason as being beaten at sex by your carpfaced mother is a poor show.

Janice is stirring it in the factory as the workforce now know about the true nature Bradley's parentage due to McBarlow telling them. Sean in fact even calls him McBarlow at one point which was cool, maybe he's a fan of the blog. Bradley attacks McBarlow who has the smuggest smirk on his face ever and the fight is broken up. Janice's Metal Mickey-like head has a satisfied look upon it and at this point I could quite easily sanction a hitman to kill both her and McBarlow without losing any sleep, not including what I'm already losing thinking about Gail's orgasm face obviously.

In other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Lloyd, Kelly, other woman, no I don't care either
BONG! Websters, something about new trainers
BONG! Liz Taylorette, sober, Janice, kicks her off the wagon. janice: EVIL

November 10, 2005

No Updates

Apologies for the lack of updates for the past couple of weeks, I couldn't bring myself to write about the wedding pantomime farce and then I was away with work and saw no Corrie at all last week.

I'll be back firing on all cylinders next week.

October 25, 2005

The Twelve Trials of Kirkules

The girls in the factory are taking advantage of Bradley's weakened state by taking unprecedented liberties, like having the transistor radio on and (the horror!) working too slowly. McBarlow tries to deal with them but they quite understandably laugh in his terribly acted and bewigged face, McBarlow has had enough and takes Bradley for a drink to tell him to get it together. He mentions liberties and things like that, Bradley takes it all on board goes back to the factory and lines them up, Tenko style, for a bollocking. During said bollocking he smashes the tranny on the floor (the radio, not Hayley), and Janice says, "How's the family Bradley?", Bradley immediately sacks her, in direct breach of the Employment Act 2004 by the way. Hayley is fully aware of this and pleads with him to reconsider, he doesn't so it is strike time!! They all march out on a wildcat strike (in direct breach of the Trades Union Act 1985), except Sally, who they then later call a scab and physically intimidate (in direct breach of criminal law and the Industrial Relations Act 1985) as she tries to cross the picket line. Any of you lot reading this thinking of doing any of the above have been warned!

A pitiful picket line is created, Bradley brings in scab labour to supplement Sally, and then Mike comes back, and he is not happy, he's even less happy when he finds out about the World's Least Interesting affair. By the time he gets into the factory he probably can't remember what he's pissed off about but plods on anyway, he tells Bradley he must sort the strike out. Bradley says no, and then Mike's terrapin like head extends further out of his shoulder shell and his eyes become all misty, he makes random comments about "mistakes" and how him and Bradley are "alike". He then tells inexplicably tells Bradley that he is his real Dad. Ruh-roh. Way to go genius, his world has already been turned upside down so you think it's a good idea to kick it down the stairs and out into the street as well do you? Bradley then totally nicks a line I could've used by saying that Mike had gone all Darth Vader on him. Bradley gets all "Grrrrr, smash" on the factory and Mike leaves, retracting his head back into his shoulder shell. Bradley tries to phone Frankie, she hangs up, he tries to phone his mum, she's not in (probably out shagging someone the hussy). He sits alone in the factory and becomes the fourth person in a fortnight to have his heart shattered into a thousand betrayed pieces. Amazingly I found myself feeling some sympathy for him, so credit to the writers for that one.

Gail and Phil continue to nauseate the nation with their potential shagging shenanegans. They have a night in together at Casa Carp and things take a turn for the minging as they begin licking each other's faces, Gail takes him upstairs but then panics at the thought that Phil may start coiffuring his hair and developing an Unconvicing Evil Stare. She sends him away. Gail: conflicted. Phil: warming up his right hand. Gail later tells him in the cafe that she thinks they should stop seeing each other as she cannot be intimate with a man ever again probably. Phil: back to the foot fetish porn. The nation: cry salt tears of joy. Unfortunately I have a feeling this will not be the end.

Taxilord has invoked the Seven Plagues of Gangster on Streetcars. His first plague is Intimidation of Employees, he sends Unconvicing Henchman Son to get into Clurr's cab and reel off a lot of cliches about "harm" and "lovely little lad, shame if he got hurt" etc and tells her to stop working for Steve. Clurr goes home and UHS follows her so he knows where she lives, in broad daylight, with about 20 witnesses to see him do it. Genius. Ashley sees him, his Maxime rage explodes and he lamps UHS and sends him packing. He then comes over all Danny Glover in The Color Purple and says "You will not drive that automobile again. You hear me Miss Clurry?!" She defies her husband and says, "The war on turrer goes on".

Later Taxilord pays Lloyd a visit, Lloyd is all "look mate I'm doing my best but your Missus is obviously fantastic in the sack as Steve won't see sense". Taxilord is not happy, and he calls Lloyd a "monkey" and maintains he should "go back to the jungle" at which point Kelly comes in and is told the same. The gloves are off now! No doubt we will now see a united front as all of Middle Weatherfield unite to defeat the Evil Taxilord. Fair play to Corrie on this one though, lots of soaps shy away from racism even in their most evil characters, so they should be applauded for having the guts to actually show it.

Les has asked Kirk to be his best man, but Cilla wants her oldest son to do it, so she devises 12 tests he must pass to be allowed the honour. BBC1 had the updated Canterbury Tales, Corrie has this gem as a reworking of Greek mythology. They also steal a Wedding cake. Laugh? I nearly did.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Sunita, still pregnant. Dev, still and insufferable bellend.
BONG! Jack, sailing ancestor. No, me neither.
BONG! Ken & Deirdre, Ken drinking decaf now. (I can't believe that is an accurate plot summary, but it is)

October 18, 2005


Liz Taylorette has turned up on the street, demanding to know why her beautiful Wurzel son's wedding has been postponed, and where she can get some SmartPrice Brandy at 9:30am. She goes to see Leanne, who once again shows her ability to be utterly brain-dead under questioning and says, "It's Frankie's fault, Bradley's been playing hide the sausage with another woman again and now she's dead upset and so she says she can't handle us getting married", Taylorette storms off to see Frankie, well done Leanne. Bradley sees Liz Taylorette entering his former abode and his crinkly mush crumples into what can only be described as an "oh shit" face. Taylorette starts laying the law down to Frankie, until in the end Frankie cannae take no more captain and says "It was Leanne, that's why he can't marry her!" It is now Taylorette's turn to show her total lack of cool under pressure skills, and storms off for the second time in search of Leanne. Teh whole Crypto Clan end up meeting in the factory office, Taylorette determined to tell THE TRUTH, Bradley tries aversion tactics , "oh is that the time? Wurzel let's me and you get this delivery out, where's me washboard? A man walks in to a bar, listen to this it's a cracker this one, he says to the barman 'have you ever slept with a horse?'" Taylorette suffers this no longer and tells THE TRUTH. Ruh-Roh!

Wurzel wheels round to Bradley, who actually has a go at adding crying to his emotional repertoire (which now reads: cheeky, chirpy, crying, cheeky, shouting, cheeky). To be honest it is so bad I expect a drama tutor to walk on and say "Ok Bradley we'll come back to that, let's move on to exercise 4 - Being a Tree Throught Medium of Dance." Wurzel is having none as he has become the second person in the space of a week to have his heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces. Bradley later tries to talk to him, Wurzel says, "Look dad, Wheel of Fortune was bad enough, but this I cannot forgive you for".

Liz Taylorette sees an opportunity to win back her boy and starts tipping poison in about how Frankie didn't tell him because she is evil and doesn't really love him, Wurzel being a bear of very little brain at first agrees, but later realises like thet rest of us that Frankie is ace and decides to stay. Frankie: pleased. Liz Taylorette: Heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces, No 3. I suggest Wurzel should make a move on Frankie, after all they are about the same age, thus creating such a complicated Crypto-Incest situation that even Mormons will get confused.

Leanne eventually leaves, I am shocked by how little I care. Later in the week, Wurzel turns up with cropped hair, maybe it is symbol of a new beginning or maybe he is a sort of reverse Samson who will gain brains and charm through having short hair. More likely someone just told him the truth, that his hair was a Hate Crime and if he didn't sort it out a European Tribunal would be after him.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Gail has now lapped poor Eileen in this competition she is so far ahead, but the more I see of Phil the more I think that she has had a lucky escape. Anyway, Gail and Phil go out for a meal to The Clock, Gail wants to know more about him, like how did he get into foot maithering. Given her past with men I'd be asking more searching questions than that if I was her: "Do you have an unconvincing evil stare?", "Are you in any way psychopathic?" for example. He relays a story about some widow on a bus getting her feet rubbed and it made her forget about her dead husband or something, I feel it's more about a desire to lick between women's toes myself, time will tell, watch this space. Gail maturely decides that this is enough information to shag him and takes him home, only to be scuppered by Teenage Rage! David has made a mess of the house and simply makes grunting noises when spoken to, Phil makes his excuses and leaves. Gail is furious, she says "you need to more grown up David! Now get to your room you naughty little boy!" David goes upstairs and blasts out Joy Division from his stereo. Fabulous stuff, the longer I can put off thinking about the image of Gail's orgasm face whilst a giant Scotsman sweats and heaves over her the better.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a toyboy, who is a dead ringer for the dwarf from Fantasy Island and The Man With the Golden Gun. She parades him around in front of Steve who pulls his usual array of Why the Fuck Is This Happening To Me™ faces. Liz says, "let's go and have a shower together Andy", Steve says "He's called Andy?! Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!" before washing his eyes out with caustic soda. Andy says, "Look Boss! Zee plane." Andy later brings his mother to the Rovers to meet Liz, she is a clone of her, Liz becomes afraid of the oedipal nightmare she has wandered into and packs him in on the spot. Andy looks upset, wait until Mr Scaramanga finds out about it mate.

Ronnie and Steve are still going strong, Taxilord has been round to Streetcars to put the frighteners on Lloyd, who then tells Steve to pack her in and pack her bags for everybody's sake. Taxilord then provides evidence he attended the same Crap Gangster College as Byrite Andy on EastEnders, by invoking a terrifying campaign of spilling Olive Oil on seats and making hoax taxi bookings. The Horror! Steve is blatantly in love with his 1940s debutante Ronnie and thus cannot lose her so he decides to meet up with Taxilord to tackle the issue head on. They meet up in a pub, Taxilord says "hello Steve, this is my Unconvicing Henchman Son, that is required in all of these scenes, carry on". Steve details his Roadmap to Peace, involving not straying onto Taxilord's patch and not causing anymore damage etc, he however makes a diplomatic faux pas when he then adds " and your missus hates you and loves having sex with me and she isn't coming back ever. Fancy a drink?". Taxilord makes some cliched points about Steve having guts to face him or something. Whilst Steve is at the bar, Unconvincing Henchman Son says "are you going soft?", Taxilord says "no, whacking (yes he actually used that word) him would be a waste of a bullet, he'll wish he's never been born by the end of this yadda yadda yadda". Please. Make. This. Stop. Now. Remember the simple equation: Decent Soap + Gangsters = Death of Soap (see Brookside)

Robyn has found out about Martin's past and is not replying to his calls, Martin goes to finds her at school and they eventually talk. He tells all and she says, "So let me get this straight, added to the fact that you are a rat faced minger who can't act, you have also been arrested for murder and spent time shacked up with a 16 year old girl with serious sartorial issues?"
"Funnily enough I need some time to think about this". About 5 seconds should be enough love.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Deirdre, quit smoking, Ken, quit Coffee, Nation, quit caring
BONG! Les, Cilla, no church
BONG! Janice, giving Bradley trouble

October 12, 2005

Betrayal: The Aftermath

Frankie is sitting alone, staring into the painful abyss of pain and deception that her life has proven to be, inside her chest cavity she can hear the tinkling of the pieces of her broken heart. Bradley returns and tries to tell her that Leanne made all the running because she is, after all, a slag. Frankie is having none of it and dishes him out a serving of lumpy-head, this forces Bradley into a tactical change and he instead pleads with her not to tell Wurzel. "He's just a boy love, and you don't want him to hate his Dad do you ey?", Frankie doesn't let on what she is going to do. She acted the pants off this scene by the way, Bradley was just Bradley as usual.

On their return from Amshterdam, Leanne and Wurzel are buoyed upon the afterglow of their lovefest and are in a hurry to tell everyone all about it (their impending marriage, not the the sex in Holland obviously). Bradley heads them off at the pass, well outside the house, and tells Wurzel that he's been kicked out because Frankie knows about an affair he's been having, Leanne says "Does she know who it was with?", Bradley says "yes", winks and nods and puts his fingers to his lips. Wurzel is too busy being morally outraged to notice.

Frankie later confronts Leanne and tells her that she had better finish with Wurzel or else she will tell everything. Leanne says "Burrah love 'im!", Frankie throws her head back and laughs maniacally, " Love is a lot of things darling, unfortunately one of them isn't taking it in the naughty place of your fiance's dad". The storyline plods on in this vein for much of the week, Bradley is confident of using his crinkly charms to get back in with Frankie, but she rebuffs all attempts at Unconvicing Cheeky Cockney Charm®, and Bradley starts to realise that this could be it this time.

Apart from the above storyline, the silly season continues....

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. This has become a bit of a whitewash, with Gail winning by miles due to the scriptwriters blatantly ignoring the results of the poll on this very site that proved that 91% of the public wanted Eileen to win*. Anyway CarpFeatures goes out for a meal with Phil, all is going well generally. Sarah isn't happy though, this is because she has a brain that can reason further than that of a Carp in spawn, Gail realises that she must talk to Sarah before she samples some of Phil's caber to make sure all is OK.

Eileen gets her revenge on Gail by pouring concrete into her footspa and cementing her feet in whilst Gail is asleep, she does not wake up. A footspa has warm sooting water in it, concrete is cold, coarse and full of alkali materials. I'll say no more about the ridiculous nature of this.
Gail cancels a date with Phil, at some point he gives her a firemans' lift for some reason I couldnt' work out, maybe she has a carry fetish. Gail talks to Sarah, they talk about Richard, Gail confesses that she can't even watch an advert for the Pru without thinking about Richard, and pensions now frighten her or something. Basically she uses the entire conversation to manipulate Sarah into saying "I don't mind if you make the beast with 2 backs with Phil". Can you imagine Gail's orgasm face? I'll leave you to pnder on that one.
*Actual people surveyed: 18

Gail is not the only one of the Platt Dynasty to be geeting a bit of loving these days with Ratface Martin getting himself a new woman in the guise of Robyn, the other mascot woman, who seemingly likes men who look like rats and have the charm and personality of a turnip. AS someone put it, "I suppose Robyn is quite pretty compared to Martin's last two. If you put Kaytay's haircut onto Gail's face you would have an identikit for the worst looking woman on the planet" (© shangalang, GU Talk).

After much to-ing and fro-ing that is far too boring to recount here, they end up back in Martin's flat. Robyn is wearing a frankly bizarre dress cum smock thing that looks like it is made of nylon flowery toilet roll covers. Anyway they have a "double meaning" conversation about sex alike to the one between Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in Annie Hall, except this one had no chemistry whatsoever and you keep asking yourself, "why in the name of blue fuck would someone who looks like her fancy him?", so not that dissimilar to Annie Hall on the latter front then really. Anyway, they go to bed we try not to think about it too much.

Steve has taken on a new driver at Streetcars , she appears to be a hybrid of Marilyn Monroe and Mick Hucknall and is called Ronnie. He obviously fancies her and so uses the oldest recruitment criteria in the book and employs her, Lloyd is not happy, Eileen is amused, we are soporific. Couple of days later a bloke turns up the office, he is a local taxi warlord or something and instructs people not to employ his wife so that she will be destitute and will have to return home to him, and they better do as he says as he is powerful man apparently. For a second I was afraid that we were about to drift into Eastenders Gangster Territory, then I remembered that the Corrie writers tend to understand good plotting and public opinion, and relaxed again. Anyway you can see where this is going, Taxilord's missus is non other Mickilyn Huckroe! What a gargantuan surprise. Lloyd tells Steve he has to sack her, Steve pulls "Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me?"™ face no 38, but agrees. He takes her for a drink and makes a decision to shag her instead, nice work fella! We await the outcome of this love/gangster triangle with spectaculary un-bated breath.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Cilla, ripped wedding dress, not happy with church. Non-comedy holocaust
BONG! Liz, toyboy
BONG! Violet, Jason, patching things up, ahhhhhhh.

October 05, 2005

The End of the Affair

The World's Least Interesting Affair is now in the open since FatRipley came home and found Leanne and Bradley Walsh heavy petting on the sofa, something for which they would of course be thrown out of the swimming baths, along with running, smoking and the most heinous of crimes: bombing. FatRipley is giving it the large one in the factory, being lippy and lazy, Danny is about to say something but is given a "Bollock me and I'll have your bollocks, or your wife will" look. Cowed, Bradley returns to his office and later tells Leanne to tell FatRipley to pack it in, Leanne laughs and says "She's only having a laugh, you crinkly old comedian you". Anyway, it all becomes too much for Bradley who decides that they have to split up. Leanne is all "Am I bovvered", but it is obvious that inside her heart is splintered into a thousand pieces. Her mood is lifted however when Bradley suggests they go to a special hotel, for a special night of special sexualness. Christ, imagine that crinkly face and white teeth bearing down on you...

In order to facilitate Bradley's Burnage Bonking Bonanza he sends Wurzel to Amshterdam, however on the day the van breaks down and so Wurzel spends the afternoon getting frisky with Leanne. Two blokes in one day for her then, nice. As they lie in the afterglow of their love Wurzel ends up proposing, producing some of Elizabeth Duke's finest in the process, Leanne accepts, and also agrees to go to Amshterdam with him for a Leerdammer fuelled sexfest. She rings Bradley to tell him it's off, leaving a message in the answerphone, then promptly leaves her phone behind with Frankie. Ruh-Roh!

Later, Bradley is in the hotel room awaiting his quarry, he checks his messages and then phones Leanne's mobile. Leanne's mobile rings and is accompanied by a photo of Bradley in the knacker on the screen and the name "Bradley (the one who has been having sex with me for a number of months)", Not exaclty one of the greatest criminal minds is Leanne. Frankie looks puzzled and chooses to answer it in a Leanne voice, Bradley says "Where are you? I'm stood here with a hard on and nowhere to put it, and it's no use playing hard to get because I know and you know that you are a slag". Frankie says, "erm Bradley, it's me". Bradley puts the phone down and says nothing, but you can see on his face that something inside him has just fallen on its side. Frankie: heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Eileen has a date with Phil and later gloats to Gail that he is not interested in her and that her family are just another family of freaks for his thesis. Gail, being the grown up that she is, then goes and kicks Phil out in a fit of pubescent rage just as Sarah is about to open up to him. Well done Carpy, top marks for perspective and maturity there. Phil later tries to make amends with Gail, Sarah attempts to rebuff him but as he knocks on the door Gail's eyes widen and her mouth gloops ecstatically in spite of Sarah's protests about the fact that he is a bit of a shit and all that. Phil weaves his Caledonian Silver Tongued Majic on her and also destroys the interview tapes to show he really wants her as more than an interviewee, Gail is happy and they agree to start again. Erm Gail, there are things called tape recorders in this world, they can make copies of tapes, might be worth bearing that in mind.

Later Eileen tries to build bridges (after being blanked by Phil) by telling Gail that they've both been duped by an improbable character, but when Phil comes to meet Gail at that point she throws Eileen a "Have that you bitch!" look. Right can we dump the slow plotting now and just move to the bit where Eileen beats Gail's face repeatedly with a coal shovel? I'm sure that would make us all a lot happier.

Violet and Jason go out for a big clubbing session (the dancing type, not the baby seal type), which is the first time I can remember any of the young characters going out properly at all by the way. Once bladdered, Violet is again overcome with the weight of guilt re the Darth Snogging, telling Shelley obviously was not enough to purge her fetid soul so now she must face Jason. She tells him that what he is about to hear will shock and horrify him, but he is still too pilled off his box giddy from his night out to listen to her, until she tells him the full awful truth that is. Jason is not happy, he cannot believe that she would be so stupid to remove the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus let Darth in for the snog, so he orders her to sleep on the couch.

Next day Jason jacks his job in because he cannot work for such an evil man, I mean it was OK when Darth was weeing everyone else's women, but not his woman. Violet moves in with Shelley as they share the bond of having being turned to the dark side, they no doubt go in the back room put "I Will Survive" on and drink Lambrini. Sean tries to get Jason to talk to Violet, Jason isn't in the mood to take advice from the resident wrongmo, however Shelley puts a dent in his Armour of Outrage, so all is not lost.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Cilla, wedding dress, non-comedy shenanegins
BONG! Martin, mascot love. Kill. me. now.
BONG! Liz, bicycle bakery deliveries, more non-comedy
BONG! Diggory, will someone please kill him (that's a request, not news)
BONG! Nathan, foils garage scam, of little consequence
BONG! Streetcars, new driver, woman for Steve
BONG! Kelly, Lloyd, another woman, no-one cares.

September 27, 2005

Down, Down, the Quality's Down

Status Quo turn up in the Rovers in a not all silly, pointless and far fetched manner. Turns out that Francis, the one with dark hair, has had to wear a neck brace for years because some Ginger Mancunian jumped on him 20 years ago on stage. Knowing that he is probably not referring to Paul Scholes we must assume that this will end up being Les, oh my sides. Chesney rushes to tell Les that his all time favourite band of all time are in the pub, but he will not believe him. To cut a pointlessly hour long episode short, Les eventually believes it and runs out to the pub clutching all his albums to get them signed, albums such as "They All Sound the Same", "They All Sound the Same, except this one's got a slow one on it" and "The One About Being in the Army that Was a Minor hit in the 80s". The Quo are about to to drive off when Francis spots Les and realises that Les is the man who hurt his neck in days of Rock n Roll yore, surprise sur-fucking-prise. Francis chins Les, as does Rick, leaving him Reelin' All Over the Floor. (Can you see what I did there?)

Cilla smells blood, money smeeling blood, that is in fact money and not blood at all, as the chance for a "compo" claim looms large. Solicitors take one look at her and won't take the case on "Look love, you are a totally unconvincing, two dimensional, pantomime villain type of character, therefore you will have about as much credibility in court as you have with the audience of this show". Cilla: angry but undeterred. On returning to the pub Kirk shows them his latest pap photos, it's a photo of the fight = evidence! Thankfully there were no topless shots of Fiz, I'd just had my tea. Les and his Ex Brookside Solicitor go to see the Quo solicitor, who surprisingly is aged about 13. There is much fencing and posturing until the photos are produced, Quo Solicitor the Younger realises the game is up and says "ok Les, let's talk turkey, then I can get back to playing Crack Whore Rape Massacre on my PS2".

Les later struts into the pub with the air of a man who has achieved something great, Cilla and Yana have been shopping and are talking about what it is like to be rich. Les confesses that the Quo Adolescent Lawyer offered him £500, 000, but instead Les took the alternative offer of having the Quo play at the wedding. Cilla "Why did you do that for?" Les "Because it's Status Quo's 40th Anniversary and they are being crowbarred into this plot for no good reason". Cilla chins him, the nation wants to chin the producer and writers.

After a quiet few weeks, Gailzilla Vs Eileenatron is warming up again, they must have switched promoters to Don King from Frank Warren or something. Phil goes around to Gail's house to talk about Evil Richard Hillman, Gail tells of the full horror she encountered: plot too long, Richard's hair, his hilariously unconvincing evil stare, seeing David tied up was actually quite funny, the full works. This makes her feel better, and to reinforce this Phil maithers with her feet for a bit and she nods off to dream beautiful Carp dreams about fat worms and Boilie bait. Gail liked the experience so much that she recommends it to Sarah who is unsure, "The thing is mum, I have deep emotional wounds which strangely enough I don't think can be healed by talking to some foot fetishist with an unhealthy interest in murder and Carp-like women."

Sean manages to convince Phil to have a date with Eileen, so all is not lost for the nations' favourite taxi lady. C'mon Eileen!

Kelly asks Lloyd to come to a concert with her, he can't go as it is darts night, she then finds out it isn't. He is non too keen to tell her the real reason, probably because it is teeth-scrapingly boring.

Leanne and Bradley Walsh are back making the beast with two backs with a vengeance, FatRipley is aware that Leanne is having an affair, but she does not know who with. I'll save you the pain of having to sit through an hour of this drivel by informing you that FatRipley catches them together in the flat and pulls the smuggest face in smugville, which strangely still has her resembling a cave troll, a smug cave troll, but still a cave troll. Bradley jumps up and tries to explain everything in a way that Renee from Allo Allo would be proud of. Bradley leaves, and Janice comes over all "You are going to hell, even I wouldn't shag my bloke's dad." That's because you probably look like him too much Jan.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, other mascot is a lady, possible romance. For. Fuck's. Sake.
BONG! Liz, working in bakery
BONG! erm, that's it.

September 22, 2005

Going to the Chapel and we're (NOT) going to get married.

At last it is here, the climax of what seems like the last 18 years of our lives as the longest storyline ever comes to an end in a church, which frankly is the best place for most things to end such as lives, friendships and young catholic boys' innocence.

It is the night before the Wedding of Cataclysmic Fulfilment, and Darth has said that Shelley must not see Dr Finchy anymore, Shelley being weak willed (or is she?!) as usual caves in. When Dr Finchy comes around she tells him "I'm cured now and everything, peep, jibber, so I don't need to see you anymore, here come the lobsters, RUN!". Not wholly convinced Finchy asks, "Is this you that's decided this Shelley?", Shelley "Oh yes, me and only me, gottle of geer, gottle of geer". Darth looks upon his works and is joyful, so joyful that he goes off on his stag do, picks up a blond woman and no doubt wees on her.

Shelley is alone the night before her wedding, Violet pops upstairs and tells her to pop downstairs, she enters the living room to hear "Suprise!" from all her friends. Good plan guys, this woman has been terrified of her own shadow for 6 months so you decide to frighten the shits out of her. Anyway during said impromptu hen night Violet tells Shelley of that fateful night when she foolishly removed the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus invited the Dark Side unto her bosom. Shelley: Not impressed. Violet: Purged

It is the morning of the wedding and Darth has not returned from his Night of Blond Urinary Adventure. Jason is worried, but not as worried as I am about the fact that he appears to be sporting a tie made from genuine Mr Blobby hide.

Shelley is all alone on the morning of her wedding, but Dr Finchy turns up with a wedding card which surely pushes the bounds of professional ethics into the outer regions of the galaxy. He tells her that she must complete her training and that powerful the dark side is, and to rush to face Darth would be a mistake. Shelley just jabbers on about walking down the aisle in front of all those people (looking like something from the DFS sale if the dress is anything to go by).

Outside the church Shelley hesitates in the car, Fred tells her that as long as it's what she wants then he'll be with her every step of the way, Shelley psychs herself up "I can do this I can, llllllllllet's get ready toooooo rrrrrrrrrrummmble". On reaching th'altar, she thanks Darth for coming (really) and the ceremony kicks off. It is all going swimmingly until the Vicar asks if Shelley will honour, obey, and take wee wee? "Nay, Nay and thrice Nay" she says. The crowd gasp, Darth's face crumples into the expressive embodiment of pure evil and rage, the nation organise an open top bus celebration down Deansgate because it is finally over.

Or is it?! Darth chases Shelley out of the church, chucks her in the Bonnie & Clydemobile and drives off to the back of abandoned warehouse, how very Sweeney. He gets in the back of the car and for a horrible minute I thought we were going to see a pre-watershed re-enactment of the scene from Once Upon a Time In America with Robert De Niro and Elizabeth McGovern in the back of a very similar car. Thankfully he just wants to try and cow her again and the conversation loosely goes:

Darth: "But you control me I paid for everything remember?"
Shell: "But you weed on me all the time and i was alone on my wedding morning and people have started calling me Mrs Pissy Smell. But now I have the power"
Darth: "No you haven't, you'll come crawling back to me and my gross misogyny"
Shell: "Not this time Darth, you struck me down but I have become more powerful than you can ever imagine. You're just like Peter, except you can act a bit."
Flush with her triumph and confidence, Shelley gets out of the car struts down the street, opening scenes of Saturday Night Fever style, to a phone box. She phones Dr Finchy, he then says congratulations to her, she says that she didn't get married, he is chuffed, she wants to continue the sessions, he is double chuffed.

Darth retires to the ale house with Jason (still wearing Blobby), he lays down his theory of where it all went wrong. "It was Dr Finchy's fault, and I hired him and now look what's happened!". Frankly Darth, serves you right for being so stupid as to hire a pychologist who can throw a shoe over a pub, you were always onto a loser with that one. Darth then tells a short story about how his dad was treated badly by a female of the species and always to ld him to keep women at arms length. If that was the writers' attempt to expalin Darth's character then it was ridiculous, tagged on and frankly pathetic.

Jason leaves looking confused as usual. Darth sees his blond conquest from the night before, she offers to be his potty for the evening, he calls her a slut. Charming to the last. Shelley returns to the pub, Bev tells the pub ambiguously "She's Back!" see what she did there? They cheer, they clap, they cry. Cake us cut, case is closed. Thank fuck for that. NEXT!

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Keith decide to look at Alfeh's old stuff in the garage, they find a camera that has film in it and decide to develop it. mmmmmm. When developed it is of the Grocers DebaucheryFest in Blackpool or something, Audrey was never allowed to go as it was a boys' thing, like power tools and masturbating. They find a photo of him and Rita together, ruh-roh!! Much falling out occurs but then they work out that it was a double exposure and in fact it was photo of Rita in her living room overlapped with one of Alfeh and he must have taken a photo of Rita without winding it on. Rita then mounts the tallest high horse in the kingdon and rides it to the highest moral high ground in all the land and says "Audrey, I can understand how you might think it of me as I was a singer and slag in my younger days, but to think that of Alf well you have shat all over his memory". Audrey: ashamed. It does beg the question, what was he doing taking photos of Rita in her living though doesn't it? But the scriptwriters have decided to wind it up there thankfully.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, mascot race. Kill. Me. Now
BONG! The Canine Triangle continues
BONG! Chesney sees Sally in the bud, Les tells everyone
BONG! Norris, no job, junior partnership in Kabin

September 20, 2005

Update Wait!

I will update this week after all the wedding shenanegins are over, so as to not split it over two updates.....

September 14, 2005

Indecent Proposal

Gail is shocked and horrified at the request Phil made re the interview, and is walking around the street being guarded by David in case the Scottish fiend shows his face again, Sarah is also unhappy. By the way, it has been about 98 days since anyone last saw Bethany on screen. Phil comes round to apologise and consesses to Gail that he wasn't just after an interview, he also facied a bit of the other as well. Gail gloops her mouth ecstatically and considers her latest proposition whilst eating Boilie and trying to avoid detection by tectonic sonar lake scanners.

She decides to go for it as she would like to help other people in her situation and it might help the kids, plus she hasn't had anything near her naughty place since Richard Hillman, and sex with him probably involved something along the lines of that sword strap-on thing from Se7en.

She brings the kids into the living room, Sarah says something about "I used to lie crying in the night til night goes into morning just another day, happy people pass my way". David however is not in the mood to half quote Manilow lyrics and simply states "I blame you, you and only you, you, you're the one I'm blaming, you. Got That?!" Gails eyes widen and her mouth gloops frantically. She then decides she must speak to Phil and so must the kids, to "help them". Good plan, going to a doctor or family counselling is obviously a stupid idea when you have a foot maitherer doing a part time Criminology degree to sort out your issues.

Shelley's journey down her road to Sanity Damascus continues with relations with her mother getting better, and her venturing into the bar a couple of times. Darth is very unhappy about it and is now constantly surrounded by so dark an aura he looks like a Ready Brek advert in negative. Bev's stuck on smile is removed when she goes to see Charlie and offers him some filthy lucre to leave, he says "no ta". He is pulling out all the the Jedi headfuck stops to prevent Wrinkly Bosom Bev from coming to the wedding, eventually suggesting that the wedding be postponed, then informing Shell of the attempted bribe, then saying that she can come anyway. So powerful is this headmangle that I put on my dressing gown and go and sit in my bedroom for three days. He really is that good...

Frankie and Bradley Walsh return from Spayn, blissfully unaware that Liz Taylorette has been running round the street and factory and their home in a drunken stupor, shouting about how Bradley is a bastard, Frankie as slayg and that Michael Jackson is a beautiful human being. Jamie thinks he has done a good job of covering it up until FatRipley lets it slip in the pub, "Ey you're ex is a rum one isn't she, she told me all about your past Bradley, all the juicy stuff: Appaling comedian, Wheel of Fortune all of it." Bradley: Not happy.

Leanne is pining for some Bradley love after having to shag Wurzel Gummidge for a whole week. However , the week in Catholic Spayn has obviously made him come over all monogamous and he says, "You must top your whoring ways my child, as I have done,". Leanne says "Am I bovvered? Look at my face?". Leanne: Crestfallen. Bradley: trying his best.

Tracy and Steve finally have their day in court. It's not pretty, to give you the abridged testimonies,

Tracy: pretended local weirdo was dad, sold baby, took baby back, drove Karen mental, took money off Steve then denied he was father

Steve: Found out was dad, chose to ignore it, then paid some money, then ignored it again, then pretended to love tracy, broke her heart into a thousand pieces.
The Judge is damning in his criticism of the two of them and of how long they have managed to drag out this storyline for, and in the end rules Steve can have access. The Nation cries salt tears of joy and this conclusion, simply because it is the conclusion and no other reason.

Lister has decided that the way to sort out Streetcars is to let the drivers pick their own call sign. Steve very sensibly asks what the commercial benefit is of this, the nation asks what is the point of this ridiculous character and storyline. I can't remember what they picked to be honest so I'll just make them up. Les was "Shit Actor", Clurr was "Appaling Character" and Lister was "Scouse Twat" or something. Steve refrained and engaged is a montage of Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me? faces instead.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a new bloke, who appears to be the genetic hybrid spawn of Jocky Wilson and Big Cliff Lazarenko.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Kirk, Fiz, New girl at kennels, triangle.
BONG! Les, Cilla, getting married, much hilarity and Status Quo apparently
BONG! Audrey, Keith, dates etc NEXT!
BONG! Keith, Craig, pig in back yard (oh my sides!)

September 06, 2005

Doctor Doctor, Can't you see I'm poncho wearing

Clurr haas become all community spirited and decided to clean up the Red Rec garden so that the local children can drink alcopops, spew up, give each other love-bites and get each other pregnant in prettier surroundings. She gets herself some willing volunteers, well Ashley and crippled Emily anyway, and gets to work. Janice (who now looks like a fat Ripley in Alien 3) and the oh-so-hilarious "identical"twins turn up to get a look at the hunky gardener, who unfortunately for them prefers gardening of the uphill type. Clurr berates FatRipley for not being community spirited enough, FatRipley mocks her for being a boring ginge who is only after an MBE or something, a Mud Fight of Ferocious Pointlessness ensues until in the end Emily pipes up. "What are you doing?" She demands to know "Stop! This is meant to be a decent soap opera with relevant and also amusing storylines, not some bastardised cross between Laurel & Hardy and Tizwaz!!". They all look suitably ashamed, as they should.

Dr Finchy is continuing the highly improbable treatment plan for Shelley, this time he has devised a plan of taking Darth's sandwiches to him at work across the road. Shelley gets through it, even managing to be strong in the face of the Wrinkled Bosom of Bev on the street. She arrives in the garage all pleased with herself and praises Dr Finchy for helping her, this angers Darth and the dark cloud moves over him once more and he says "Well, pity it's brown bread you stupid, fat rabbit, ridiculous poncho wearing bitch". Shelley: crushed. Dr Finchy: Starting to figure it out. Darth: time nearly up.

Shelley reselves to go to the shop, face Sunita, and for the love of God BUY THE RIGHT BREAD! Dr Finchy doesn't think it's a good idea, Darth used the mind trick to convince her to go, he then goes into the back room to watch videos of baby seals being clubbed to death with other baby seals. Little does he know that he has probably sealed his own doom by sending her out to her best friend and thus given her the chance to sort herself out, how very dialectical eh? Anyway, Shelley finds out that Sunita is pregnant and they embrace. Shelley and Sunita: Happy. Storyline: Very nearly over. The nation: Hooray!

There is trouble at Webster Manor, due to Sally's previous perfomances and her lack of planning Serphie has ended up not getting into Weatherfield High. Sally pleads with the Head to let her in, he takes great delight in giving her a speech: Prvate education BAD! State education GOOD! being the crux of it. There is some brilliant stuff whilst she tries to school Serphie at home, Rersie being totally unhelpful and Kevin just demanding his tea and pulling that irate/confused face all the time.

GailZilla vs Eileenatron. Phil has found out that Eileen lied about him staying over and is not happy, he agrees to go out with the Carpular faced one for dinner. Gail is all smugness when she marches into the cab office to get a taxi to "the pizza place in the arcade". Phil scolds Eileen for lying, Steve joins in as well, which was very funny. At the meal Phil mentions that he has a big question to ask Gail, her eyes bulge and she gloops for air at the excitememnt of it all, he says he'll need a few drinks first though. Gail: shag-hopeful. Phil: nervous.

The qustion finally comes, turns out he is doing a dissertaion on victims of crime and wants to talk to Gail about her relationship with Evil Richard Hillman. Gail says nothing and stares at him with those dead fish eyes, stands up and walks away with all the dignity she can muster (not much). Phil shouts "what you didnt' think I actually fancied you did you?". Well he didn't but that is what he was thinking I'm sure.

There have been some amazing Blanche-isms this week, none better than my personal favourite with regard to Norris, "Is he here? Or is he with the rest of his kind in Knotty Ash?". Classic, hard to imagine Eastenders coming up with such a cryptic insult...

In other news abbreviated:

BONG! Nathan, two timing Tracey, sleeping at websters.
BONG! Kennels, new manager, used to be Olly in Emmerdale.
BONG! Sean, gardener, beast with two backs (homo version).
BONG! Jamie, mum turned up. Yawn.

August 23, 2005

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron

It looks like the the writers have been given their brains back as the summer draws to a close as things have picked up a bit in the last week, and heavens be praised, it looks like the Darth Builder/Shelley storyline is entering endgame.

So to Darth Towers first we go. Fed up with Shelley's aversion to the beast with two backs, Darth gets himself a woman and takes her in the backroom to canoodle, Shelley figures out what is going on due to the noises coming from the room: "ooh" "aaah" and Darth saying "Can I wee on you please?". Shelley rumbles him, but due to the seemingly endless months of Jedi Darkside head-fuck that she has been submitted to cannot bring herself to have a proper word with Darth. Shelley: Sad. Darth: Put your clothes on love, you're taxi's here.

Next day Darth has once again convinced Shelley it is her fault that he had to find another woman to go wee-wee on and she he's offski. Shelley watches him go, tries to follow him, gets frightened again etc etc. Darth comes back eventually on the proviso that she goes to see the doctor, and no doubt accepts the wee wee as well. The doctor basically says, "Well love there's nothing I can do because you are basically a total basket case, and no amount of Amoxicillin can sort that out. So I recommend you get your head felt".

Darth books a session with a shrink, who turns out to be Finchy from the Office. Dr Finchy insists that he be left alone with his patient, no doubt so he can get her to bend over so he can say "While yer down there love". Darth is not happy about this arrangement, as his Dark powers cannot work through walls, but he must agree as Dr Finchy can throw a shoe over a pub.
The counselling goes well, and Violet later lets slip that Dr Finchy is coming back to help shelly go outside. On hearing this a dark cloud forms over Darth's head and her retreats into his private room to watch videos of road accidents and torture. Darth: Not Happy. Shelley: On the road back. This storyline: Nearly over. The Nation: cries salt tears of joy

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron II: The Battle of the Reflexologist, has commenced. This looks like this is going to be brilliant and I'm sure we all agree that the wonderful Eileen must beat Carpface in this one. Phil, the said reflexologist, has started in the Health Centre and he is played by that tall Scottish bloke that always prompts people to say "oooooo, what's he been in 'im?".

Anyway, Gail spots him first and fancies a bit of his sauce, Eileen than spots him in the street and fancies a bit of his sauce. This is the Corrie equivalent of the shooting of Franz Ferdinand in laying the foundations for an all consuming, devastating war! Gail tells Eileen that there are no appointments to see Phil, but then Eileen organises a home visit with him, timed immediatly after his home visit to Gail. Gail offers Phil dinner after her treatment, he says "Sorry love I don't eat worms, plankton or groundbait, and anyway I have to go". She then watches him cross the road to Eileen's, who shoots a fabulous "have that you bitch" look across the street. Gail: Angry. The Nation: Go Eileen! Go Eileen! Phil says "you have spaectacular feet", Eileen "thanks, you should see my fanny".

Next Day confusion is caused by Phil's car being outside in the morning (waiting for an early MOT) at Webster's Grease Monkeys Inc. Sean and Eileen wind up poor feeble minded Jason into thinking that Phil stayed the night. Word gets to Gail, who is all"Whatever, never liked him anyway he's well sad, am I bovvered?". This pretence soon falls when she sees them together in the pub and all hell breaks loose following a trading of insults. Eillen tells Gail that her husband wanted to kill her to get away from her and Gail reminds Eileen that her kids haven't seen their dads. It was a draw that one I think, but thankfully there is much, mcuh more to come.

Jack and Vera are separated, they pridictably but rather sweetly get back together at Southport on their anniversary.

Candice has found out that Adam is going to be rich and so no longer sees him as a lad with a shit haircut, she sees him as a giant pound sign with a shit haircut. Classy work girl.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Keith, Audrey, date. NEXT!
BONG! Emily, niece, gone home. Is there a point to this by the way?
BONG! Sean, Tim, love-rat/not love-rat?
BONG! Rita, dead, mistake, Norris unhappy.

That's all folks

August 19, 2005


Sorry for the delay with updating the site, I'm a bit snowed under this week so I''ll do a big update next Tuesday.


August 09, 2005

When you're in love with a wrinkly bosom, it's hard.

Barlow vs McDonald is rumbling away like a fat man's belly after a particularly large Masala (with Keema nan). Steve lures Tracy into the pub and further lures her into losing her rag and snotting him one in the pub, he's obviously been taking mind trick lessons from Darth Builder. Steve is all "Ha-ha! Now they know what you are really like". Tracy: appointment with the rozzers. Steve: Smug

On her realease from chokey, Tracy suprises everyone by being calm and talking about how much Steve hurt her etc. The scriptwriters have thankfully pulled her back from the brink of Alexis Colby levels of psycho-bithchyness just before she marries a former hitman and has Amee's wedding hijacked by Russian separatist terrorists (anyone who spots that reference is sadder than I am). Anyway she is all reasonable with Steve, whose feeble brain cannot understand what is happening, but on the upside he pulls a new expression that I haven't seen before to compete with the now world famous "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face.

Liz has a date with Bob and his posh friends in the clock. In an incredible blinding flash of self awareness she has realised that she dresses like a contestant on Strictly Porn Dancing and decides to buy some new clobber, in the guise of business suit. Bob comes to pick her up in the Rovers and says "Why you dressed like that for?"
"to be all classy n that",
"But I've told all my mates that you're a dirty bitch, they won't believe me now!"
"Alright I'll get changed then!"

Fred has reached the end of his tether with Shelley, I say the end of his tether!! He speaks to Bev about it who turns on the charm to convince him otherwise and they go the Clock for a meal to discuss. Bev pulls out all the stops by diplaying an acre of wrinkled bosom for Fred's delectation, but it just serves to remind him why he wants her behind the bar. However he says he will think about it. The next day he tells her that she can stay as he doesn't want to be the one that drives her to being sectioned or something, however I think the real reason is that he wants to bury his giant jowly head in Bev's leathery chest and so he's keeping her sweet.

At the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion Shelley's bruises are clearing up and she talks about how she wants to get back the behind the bar, especially now Sean is mincing about polishing knobs and plotting her downfall. Darth says "There is no way Northerners will stand for a bender being in charge of their pub", Shelly counters with "I dunno they love the gays these days don't they". Darth spots his chance and tells her that Sean probably will take over if she doesn't get her fat rabbit arse downstairs. Is it me who is getting a spot of Deja Vu with these conversations? Wind it up now please, NEXT!

They unbeliveably spend about 40 minutes of the hour-long monday episode with Leanne and Bradley Walsh arranging to meet in an hotel, and then Frankie following Leanne, and then a fire alarm being set off and Leanne getting out of still awake? Neither was I, NEXT!

Some great stuff with Jack and Vera and advice Vera has read in a magazine saying that women should shout at their husbands as it makes the women live longer. Jack foils her plan by winding her up even more and ignoring her. I know it is pointless plot but it is fun and they work so well together jack & vera.

Adam McBarlow has made the beast with two backs with Kelly and she is now wrapping him round her little finger. Mike offers some advice along the lines of "Don't shit where you eat" and then struggles to remember what day it is.

Keith is doing Gail's garden and the family reckon he fancies her and so try and engineer a cozy dinner together for them. It all very obvious, Sarah at one point comes in and says "What you two doing? Are you doing the garden? Do you want to put your tool in her bush?" or something like that. By the way has anyone seen Bethany in the last 6 months? Gail tells them that nothing is going on or will go on, but even Audrey is all "You love him you do, he wants to turf your ginnel." Anyway, long story short they end up alone and Gail informs him that nothing will happen in the bedroom department, Keith says "What? No, it's your mum I fancy, not you. Ho ho, you thought I fancied you!? Christ I may have been without for a while but I'm not that desperate, Carp face."

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Maria and Fiz, kennels, row, bollocks
BONG! Emily, long lost niece, Norris suspicious, amusing
BONG! Lister, streetcars, double bollocks

August 03, 2005

dun, dun, dun dun; dun, dun, dun; dun, dun, duuuuuuun! Risin' Up back on the Street etc..

First of all apologies as I did not see much Corrie last week, see even though I enjoy writing this I do have other things in my life like my wife, kids and work believe it or not, so some of this is cribbed from the website updates and my lovely friends on GU Talk..

It's fight night in the Street with our Ashley taking on Mad Dog in a fight for the Shittest Plot Championship of the World. It all ends up in a riot and Clurr somehow comes out of her lobotomised stupor and asserts herself a bit with Mad Dog's girlfriend. The fight was a draw if anyone cares. I actually think that the Scriptwriters have missed the perfect opportunity here to reconstruct the the final scene from Rocky, only with Ashley shouting "Cluuuuuuuur!" at the top of his pre-pubescent comedy voice, instead we get this shite served up to us. NEXT!

It is Scooter's big day as Carpgate gets an airing in court. Martin is a bit bemused by the whole thing, he should count himself lucky as I spent most of this episode trying to ram a rusted rasp into my jugular to make it stop. Gail takes the stand as a character witness, of course if she was telling the truth she would say "To be honest m'lud, I'd never seen him until my daughter randomly brought him home one day and then he moved in 45 minutes later, for all I know he could be a goat rapist". Of course she doesn't say that and talks about how he is lovely and the like, the prosecutor then says:

"Isn't it true Ms Hillman, if indeed that is your real name, that the only reason you are here defending this man is that the Carp he rescued are actually part of your own species?"
"Do you expect the jury to believe that your face is entirely human?"
"well yes I do"
"I've no further questions for Barbel features here m'lud"

I think he got off at the end but I was beginning to feel woozy due to the blood loss by this time.

Danny's dad is dead, and his mum Viv has turned up, I think she used to be in Eldorado as she looks very familiar. Anyway she's not impressed with Coronation Street and it's cobbles and northern people as she is considerably richer than that. She later tells Mike that he is in fact Danny's dad, Penny echoes all our thoughts when she says "not another one!". He really has got lucky that bloke, especially considering he looks like a terrapin. He is outraged etc etc, she says "Well I gave birth about nine months after we made the beast with two backs didn't I? Didn't you work it out? hello! McFly!" Mike: tired and emotional (and forgetful). Viv: "Oh look, they wear the same clothes as we do up here, how novel!"

Barlow vs McDonald continues like a runaway milk lorry, a very boring runaway milk lorry. Tracy bullies the Crappers into not allowing Steve to even look at Amy or else she'll withdraw crypto adopto sub-parenting rights. They have no choice but to give in as Hayley's bespoke uterus is made from laminated papier mache and therefore can only hold water and redundant sperm, not a lickle baby of their very own.

Incredibly, considering the vast body of evidence they had (not), the police case against Steve regarding kidnapping crumbled like a house of cards, on shifting sand, that had nver been built in the first place. I think the CPS probably said something like "let him go and don't bother us with this crap again Mr Plod".

They finally end up in court on Monday over paternity or something, Deirdre and Liz go to court showing a united front as grandparents and as joint High Priestesses of the Pantheon of Sartorial Disaster. Deirdre is once again wearing a belt around her beergut to draw more attention to it, and Liz sports a conservative court ensemble of sequined halter neck top and skirt split so far up the left thigh that I'm sure I got a glimpse of next week's washing. Anyway, at the end the judge arbitrarily says "right I believe Steve is the father so that's that out of the way". Steve: smirks Tracy: face like thunder. The nation: is this the end of it then?

Sadly no, on the return to the street Liz suggests Steve talk to Tracy to try and sort it outside of court. Steve goes over and Tracy takes a dive that an Italian footballer would be proud of and calls her mum saying that Steve threatened her, Deirdre has obviously switched her brain to "inadequate" mode as she believes Tracy and talks about solicitors and things. Steve's short-lived smile crumples into the all too familiar "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face, he goes back over to Liz and says "Well done genius". Tracey goes back to court and tells the judge who grants an temporary injunction. I know they have to speed up the the plot a bit so a little artistic license is fair enough, but I'm pretty sure you can't just pop into court and get an injunction, don't you at leat have to fill in a form or something? Tracy smiles whilst a nation cries salt tears of despair.

Meanwhile at the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion, Fred has had enough of Shelley and is going to give her til Friday to shape herself or get out, bag and baggage! He speaks to Bev about it she is all "Well maybe you should, but then again no maybe you shouldn't". Fred: voluble. Bev: desperate. The Nation: so bored we could shit concrete.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Lister buying Streetcars, yawn.
BONG! Sean, Irish vet, not yet in pants.
BONG! Sean, kelly, job in Rovers, rivals, double yawn

Sorry about the title, but I just had to get Eye of the Tiger in...

July 26, 2005

For I Shall take you home Ciaran, to where your heart will feel no pain.

The continuing saga, er, continues with Bar Wars Episode XXXXVXMMII: Darth Strikes Back.

Bev has licked Darth's spit off her face and the revulsion she feels leads her to call the police to say that Darth is bad, evil, reptilian and he smells of poo and wee. The police send round a (rather attractive) female copper, who quizzes Darth in the middle of the pub, which is obviously standard procedure in all police investigations. The copper has no idea of the dark forces she is dealing with and Darth easily mind tricks her, "I'm not the builder you are looking for, Bevi Want A-Shaggy is the criminal, I can go about my business". "You can go about your business" repeats the feeble minded rozzer. Bev gets a full size bollocking off the fuzz for wasting their time. Dark Side 1 Decent People 0.

Ciaran has had enough of Darth and attacks him in the pub, Darth acts all feeble and passive aggressive for he has realised the force is strong with Ciaran and so he must be destroyed. Shelley sees what is going down and of course goes mad with Ciaran. "Leave him alone, he's a lover not a fighter" she shouts, the pub gasp once more. Ciaran releases him but has a warning for Shelley, "Look at what he's done to you, you stupid woman, one day he'll really hurt you and by then you'll look like a chubby Joan Rivers, and then what will you do?". Ciaran decides that he must leave and amazingly packs all of his earthly possessions into a small rucksack. Before leaving he nips round to see Bev, explaining that he's off as the world is his oyster, "think about all the places I could go" he says, "like Chorlton, Rochdale, Leigh, Stalybridge and Wythenshawe." He talks of all the women he could love in a very real and dirty way whilst on the road, Bev seizes her opportunity for abject humiliation and moves in thrusting her wrinkled bosom at poor Ciaran in his moment of weakness and saying "Let's Go to Bed" (maybe she saw the results of this site's poll and had the video camera set up ready). Ciaran says something along the lines of "you must be fucking joking" and leaves. Ciaran: shudders. Bev: Gagging for it

Meanwhile, guess who's got the blame for the Ciaran incident? That's right, Dame Shelley of Feeble Brain. Darth goes out for the day, probably to spit in children's faces or point and laugh at road accidents or something, leaving Shelley alone with only the voices in her head for company. Shelley: scarred and depressed. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Barlow vs McDonald continues unabated. Steve tells Tracy not to go to court at she will be mincemeat with her tissue of lies (how's that for a mixed metaphor), Tracy is having none and goes to see her solicitor. She still will not have it even when he says "You've got about as much chance of nailing diahorrea to a wall love" or something like that. This makes her even more determined to let battle commence. Deirdre tries the softly, softly catchy Tracy approach (she is now friends again with Liz after something about World War 1 in a restaurant or something).

Tracy relents and lets Steve take Amy out, he is going to the zoo but she says that she would rather go to the airport and watch planes, Steve has obviously left his brain in a pickle jar on his hearth at home for failing to spot this obvious ploy. It couldn't be more blatant if she'd said, "I've packed the baby's stuff and written 'I am a kidnapper' on your back OK?". Anyway Steve falls for it and heads to the airport where lo and behold the rozzers turn up and arrest him for trying to kidnap Amy. You can fill in the gaps by using these words: Tracy, pretend shock, stalking, kidnap, not Amy's real dad. Steve pulls a mind boggling series of "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces and tells the coppers that he didn't do it etc. The coppers open up the bag and find passports etc. Steve: Oh shit. Coppers: irrefutable evidence, you're nicked sunbeam, off to the pub for questioning! The nation: hang on he hasn't got any tickets, or boarding passes, or his own passport!

Penny and Mike return from Spain after about 6 months it seems, and his alzheimer's plot is kicking in as he is forgetting a lot of stuff. To be fair this is a good and realistic storyline, for a character as sharp as Mike it is a good story, and it's not often this stuff is done in soaps. Well done writers. In other Baldwin-related news, Danny's dad has died, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care.

Kirk and Maria's parents are moving to a donkey sanctuary in Cyprus (no really) and have given the kennels to the kids. Maria wants to sell, Kirk doesn't as he loves the dogs and has far too small a brain to work anywhere else. Maria ends up being disinherited by her parents and Fiz is all smug, at least until she has to start shovelling dog turds around then she's not so chuffed. NEXT!

Non-Comedy Sub-Plot Corner

Cilla crashes Blanche's wheelchair into the canal (oh my sides!) in quite the most unconvincing crash ever committed to film.

Sean runs after a dog for some reason (oh, there goes another rib!) involving a vet that he'd quite like to get it on with.

In other news (abbreviated)

BONG! Boxing match, Nathan punched by Ashley, still shit
BONG! Dev, selling street cars, who cares?
BONG! Twins, fancy nathan, new realms of shitty plot as yet untouched by western civilisation

July 19, 2005


Off to Darth Towers once more for the continuing adventures of Darth Builder and the Cryto Coercion Brainwash Jamboree...

Shelley goes to the Clinic of Facial Transformisation for her consultation. She comes back happy, "She seemed to understand my need to horribly disfigure myself in order to stop my pantomime villain boyfriend from snitching off" she says. Darth looks upon his works and is pleased. Darth is also now happy to have made a submissive of Violet, who is staying away from work and has vowed to wear the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia for all eternity to protect her. Darth walks into the garage and finds Jason and Violet in an embrace, he talks of their love and then extends a tentacle to rub Violet's arm. Violet: repulsed. Darth: "I'll get you my pretty". Jason: blissfully unaware.

Violet's strange behaviour later leads Jason to assume that she is pregnant and he makes a lovely speech about "not being like his dad and looking after the bairn and everything". Violet cries due to the crushing guilt and shame causing her untold pain.

Bev decides to become Miss Marple for a week and starts rifling through Darth's office drawers, grabs a handful of papers and runs! Bearing in mind this is a builder's yard she probably got a 2 year old copy of Razzle, a 1986 Pirelli Calendar and several back issues of the Daily Star. Realising the futility of her plan she instead decides to phone all his customers instead to explain to them that he is a Crypto Racist, a bully and he smells of pooh and wee. Not satisfied with this she employs a glamourous assistant (Ciaran) and meets Shelley as she comes back from having her face transformified. "You look like a Panda in negative!" cries Bev, "It wasn't Darth!" cries Shelley, "Gasp", erm, gasp the pub. Cue all hell breaking loose and Bev once again being hoyed out the pub. Do they not have Pubwatch in Weatherfield? She could be banned now from every pub in the locality if they did.

Darth once again makes all this out to be Shelley's fault and decides but then comes back. He says "I nearly went, but I sat in the van and jacked off thinking of my power over you realised that your mum would win if I left, so I'm staying, on the condition that you accept Golden Showers as part of our sex life". "Oh anything Darth, just don't leave me", the acquiescence of a broken woman is complete. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Shelley: What's a golden shower? He later pays a visit to Bev, she wants him to hit her, either because a) she is kinky or b) she wants to get him locked up. He realises her game, tells her that Shelley is now a subordinate of the dark side and that it is all Bev's fault. He then licks her face with a reptilian tongue and leaves. Bev: Crying. Darth: Satisfied. The nation: deeply uncomfortable.

Elsewhere, Sean is getting hemself a boyfriend in the shape of a Irish Vet called Tim. Insert your own joke about putting hands up arses here........

Scooter has destroyed Gail's fence whilst rescuing the carp (now there's a line I thought I'd never be writing in my life), she somehow ends up on his side. I end up snoring. NEXT!

Warren is realeased from Weatherfield Town or whatever the club is called, Candice promptly dumps him for "ruining her life and holding her back", Warren gets a proper mard lip at this point and I almost begin to feel sorry for him, until I remember every scene he has ever been in and the anger kills the pity. However Warren has the last laugh when he is invited to play in Spain by Brookside Incest Fashion Woman, no doubt he hasn't realised that she has other versions of "playing away" in mind for him. At this point we are not sure if it involves pretending to be her brother. Candice tries to win him back, but to no avail, he is off to sleep with a woman with at least 20 less teeth in her gob.

Blanche is not happy being waited on by Deirdre, and is struggling with her Bionic Hip, Deirdre tries to help by getting her a motorised wheelchair, Blanche: not happy and even more nasty than usual.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Roy, contraption, sold, not funny, shit
BONG! Ashley, lad from garage, boxing coach, more shit
BONG! Tracy, Steve, Solicitors etc.

July 13, 2005


Firstly we go to Darth Towers, where Shelley has decided that the only way to keep Darth Builder is to get cosmetic surgery to make her look like Violet. I assume that she is going to get a prosthetic neckerchief grafted on to her neck and then a strange lispy tooth gauge inserted, or maybe not, or maybe I don't care. Anyway, Darth Builder is not happy about it and tells her, " I love you just the way you are, you fat, pathetic, ga-ga bitch", and then tries to nuzzle her bosom in an arousing manner. Shelley recoils, Darth storms off still carrying a full load of potato juice, Shelley shouts after him, "I'll let you!" (eeeeeewww!), but it's too late, he is gone. Darth: Evil and gagging for it. Shelley: Entering as yet undiscovered realms of lunacy.

Darth then turns his attention to his Young Apprentice Violet, who for the first time in 8 months has removed her Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia thus leaving herself criminally unprotected from power of the dark side. Darth sees this error and makes his move, getting her drunk and moving in for the big snog, Violet responds but then for some rseason he says "hang on a minute" and goes out the back, maybe he's gone to get some johnnies, or Nutella, or a gimp mask. Violet seizes her opportunity and legs it, not wanting to risk a possible heady cocktail of chocolate spread and demeaning bondage. Just as she is by the door Darth reappears, she says "I'll never turn to the dark side, and please don't tell Jason", he says "You're just like that stupid slag upstairs". Violet: Penny drops. Darth: Jazz mag time.

The Barlow women are back from Poland, this leads to Ken & Dreary running upstairs excitedly, I would make a joke about what they were probably going to do but some of you may be eating reading this. Tracy returns later in the week, Steve makes demands, she rebuffs etc. Work out what is happening from these words: Court, access, rights, Roy testifying. Tracy then uses Amee as leverage with the Cropsters: "testify and you'll never see my mewling baby again!". Hayley caves in, Roy is not happy but Hayley says something like, "We can't have a baby because the only internal plumbing I've got is a pee-pipe and an inside out willie, so we are being selfish on this one". Tracy rewards them with an entire day to spend with Amee, who by the way is a very ugly child.

Candice enters a model competition seemingly dressed as International Prostitute Disco Dancing Champion (Northern section). Football Boy is not happy but tags along and is soon chatted up by the woman who slept with her brother in Brookside. She has obviously gor bored with incest and gained a penchant for sleeping with untalented midgets with shit hair instead. Needless to say Candice fails the audition, along with some Non-comedy from the twins.

Bob arranges a ride in the country with Liz , he means on bikes, she comes expecting an altogether different ride in heels and mini skirt. It's all a bit "Last of the Summer Wine", only without Thora Hird (may the Lord bless her sweet stair-lifted soul).

In other news:

BONG! The boxing match is still on
BONG! Scooter and Sarah rescued the carp (for fuck's sake)
BONG! Roy builds his Grandad's door thing, attracting attention from the Gazzette
BONG! That's all folks!

July 05, 2005

Life's A Riot With Butcher vs Butcher!

Coronation Street has officially entered the inverted blockbuster season. Whilst Holywood is turning out it's biggest films for the summer, the films which will prop the industry up for another unimaginative year, Corrie is turning out it's crappiest storylines. This is in order to mark time until the autumn, when the nights draw in and people get their knitting out, bunker in for the winter and actually pay proper attention to the telly, rather than doing silly things like going out or gardening.

So anyway the parade of shite is thus:

Fred is having a row with another fat butcher who also has a squeakey voiced son (oh my sides!). They decide to finish it by Ashley and Ashley MkII doing combat in the ring, judging by the way they both talk that could mean bumming each other into submission, but it more than likely means boxing. I feel sorry for Fred as they seem to have turned his character into the buffoon he was 10 years ago when he first appeared, the character and the actor deserve better. NEXT!

Roy is still building the energy saving contraption on his door. The rest of the cast cannot get in but are humouring him, where are Cilla and Les when you need them to get someone told? NEXT!

Ken's hopes of a full Wank Week are ruined by people popping round all the time and the builders smashing up his house by accident. In the end he explodes in a fit of rage borne of excess sexual tension. He fumes at Jason "All I want to do is give it to Nikki from Basildon on page 42 of Parade with both barrels, but you have smashed my window!"

The Scooter/Sarah non-story continues. I really don't know what is going on here, but it ends with Scooter finding some Koi Carp in distress at some odd woman's house who seems convinced that Scooter is going to molest her. He'd be more interested in the dog love I reckon. Anyway he then retells the distressed Koi storyline to the Platt's, who seem to listen. For some reason not one of them says "What the fuck are you banging on about, you unconvincing sub-character of little relevance?" Not even David, who for someone who grew up in a suburb of Manchester has the strongest South Yorkshire accent I have ever heard. I think Martin might have been laughing but it's hard to tell with him as has the acting craft of a carrot. NEXT!

Clurr finally gets a job on the Taxis. One of her first jobs is to pick up a couple of school kids and take them home, they try and pull a fast one by saying they only get in the taxi if they have chocolate. The young scamps are soon foiled by Claire, who says "fine, fuck you then I'm going anyway", bluff called, go Clurr! I was really hoping that the kids would then Happy Slap her, sending her stupid remmo glasses flying - a golden opportunity for a topical and frankly amusing storyline missed...

Wiggy has asked Leanne to move in with him, in a proper flat and everything, she says she can't because she's taking it in the naughty place off his dad not ready to move in yet. Wiggy: Sad. Leanne: Rough as.

Shelley is still holed up the Bedroom of Inadequacy within the Castle of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Darth Builder is playing a cunning game of telling everyone he's fed up with her, yet exacerbating her issues with is talk of fat rabbits and the fact that he might run away forever, to Celebrity Crypto Island, where he will have 5 weeks to turn Jodie Marsh into a gibbering orange wreck in a batwing jumper. Violet and Ciaran are about to malfunction because the rota is about to run out (there are only 2 of you, you seem to work every day, how hard can it be?). Anyway Fred decides enough is enough, (I say enough is enough!) and tells Shelley to go and see a doctor. Shelley says "I don't need to see a doctor I'm fine, I was just saying this to the Mermaid that lives in my bedroom, under the trapdoor that leads to hell which must never look in, oh no, never look in there." Fred: Concerned. Darth: Mwahahahahaha! Shelley: Cuckoo.

Darth later uses the Jedi mind trick to send Ciaran home and be alone with Violet. Shelley listens at the top of the stairs as Darth says, "Come with me Violet, we can be one on the road to nowhere". Violet says "You cannot have me Darth, my soul is pure and protected by the sacred neckerchief of Jasonia, which as you know I never, ever, ever take off". Darth: Work in progress mwahahahaha! Violet: perturbed.

Steve is Desperately Seeking Tracy, but he cannot find her as the Barlow's have closed ranks on him. "I'd like to help you but I can't" says Ken "Unless you can lend me you spare room and some kleenex". Steve: "WTFITHTM" Face 277.

Much non-comedy with Norris and his book. These plots are normally very funny in Corrie, but they are usually done much better than this, these characters deserve more than being shoe-horned into a deliberate sub Alan Bennett "comedy" set piece that insults both the actors and the viewers in my opinion. And the less said about the "hilarious" twins and their boyfriend shenanagins the better!

And last of all, where the hell has the Rersie and Sally vegetarian plot gone, that was looking good and would actually be worth watching. Instead we get the shower of cack above! BAH!