September 22, 2005

Going to the Chapel and we're (NOT) going to get married.

At last it is here, the climax of what seems like the last 18 years of our lives as the longest storyline ever comes to an end in a church, which frankly is the best place for most things to end such as lives, friendships and young catholic boys' innocence.

It is the night before the Wedding of Cataclysmic Fulfilment, and Darth has said that Shelley must not see Dr Finchy anymore, Shelley being weak willed (or is she?!) as usual caves in. When Dr Finchy comes around she tells him "I'm cured now and everything, peep, jibber, so I don't need to see you anymore, here come the lobsters, RUN!". Not wholly convinced Finchy asks, "Is this you that's decided this Shelley?", Shelley "Oh yes, me and only me, gottle of geer, gottle of geer". Darth looks upon his works and is joyful, so joyful that he goes off on his stag do, picks up a blond woman and no doubt wees on her.

Shelley is alone the night before her wedding, Violet pops upstairs and tells her to pop downstairs, she enters the living room to hear "Suprise!" from all her friends. Good plan guys, this woman has been terrified of her own shadow for 6 months so you decide to frighten the shits out of her. Anyway during said impromptu hen night Violet tells Shelley of that fateful night when she foolishly removed the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus invited the Dark Side unto her bosom. Shelley: Not impressed. Violet: Purged

It is the morning of the wedding and Darth has not returned from his Night of Blond Urinary Adventure. Jason is worried, but not as worried as I am about the fact that he appears to be sporting a tie made from genuine Mr Blobby hide.

Shelley is all alone on the morning of her wedding, but Dr Finchy turns up with a wedding card which surely pushes the bounds of professional ethics into the outer regions of the galaxy. He tells her that she must complete her training and that powerful the dark side is, and to rush to face Darth would be a mistake. Shelley just jabbers on about walking down the aisle in front of all those people (looking like something from the DFS sale if the dress is anything to go by).

Outside the church Shelley hesitates in the car, Fred tells her that as long as it's what she wants then he'll be with her every step of the way, Shelley psychs herself up "I can do this I can, llllllllllet's get ready toooooo rrrrrrrrrrummmble". On reaching th'altar, she thanks Darth for coming (really) and the ceremony kicks off. It is all going swimmingly until the Vicar asks if Shelley will honour, obey, and take wee wee? "Nay, Nay and thrice Nay" she says. The crowd gasp, Darth's face crumples into the expressive embodiment of pure evil and rage, the nation organise an open top bus celebration down Deansgate because it is finally over.

Or is it?! Darth chases Shelley out of the church, chucks her in the Bonnie & Clydemobile and drives off to the back of abandoned warehouse, how very Sweeney. He gets in the back of the car and for a horrible minute I thought we were going to see a pre-watershed re-enactment of the scene from Once Upon a Time In America with Robert De Niro and Elizabeth McGovern in the back of a very similar car. Thankfully he just wants to try and cow her again and the conversation loosely goes:

Darth: "But you control me I paid for everything remember?"
Shell: "But you weed on me all the time and i was alone on my wedding morning and people have started calling me Mrs Pissy Smell. But now I have the power"
Darth: "No you haven't, you'll come crawling back to me and my gross misogyny"
Shell: "Not this time Darth, you struck me down but I have become more powerful than you can ever imagine. You're just like Peter, except you can act a bit."
Flush with her triumph and confidence, Shelley gets out of the car struts down the street, opening scenes of Saturday Night Fever style, to a phone box. She phones Dr Finchy, he then says congratulations to her, she says that she didn't get married, he is chuffed, she wants to continue the sessions, he is double chuffed.

Darth retires to the ale house with Jason (still wearing Blobby), he lays down his theory of where it all went wrong. "It was Dr Finchy's fault, and I hired him and now look what's happened!". Frankly Darth, serves you right for being so stupid as to hire a pychologist who can throw a shoe over a pub, you were always onto a loser with that one. Darth then tells a short story about how his dad was treated badly by a female of the species and always to ld him to keep women at arms length. If that was the writers' attempt to expalin Darth's character then it was ridiculous, tagged on and frankly pathetic.

Jason leaves looking confused as usual. Darth sees his blond conquest from the night before, she offers to be his potty for the evening, he calls her a slut. Charming to the last. Shelley returns to the pub, Bev tells the pub ambiguously "She's Back!" see what she did there? They cheer, they clap, they cry. Cake us cut, case is closed. Thank fuck for that. NEXT!

Elsewhere this week, Audrey and Keith decide to look at Alfeh's old stuff in the garage, they find a camera that has film in it and decide to develop it. mmmmmm. When developed it is of the Grocers DebaucheryFest in Blackpool or something, Audrey was never allowed to go as it was a boys' thing, like power tools and masturbating. They find a photo of him and Rita together, ruh-roh!! Much falling out occurs but then they work out that it was a double exposure and in fact it was photo of Rita in her living room overlapped with one of Alfeh and he must have taken a photo of Rita without winding it on. Rita then mounts the tallest high horse in the kingdon and rides it to the highest moral high ground in all the land and says "Audrey, I can understand how you might think it of me as I was a singer and slag in my younger days, but to think that of Alf well you have shat all over his memory". Audrey: ashamed. It does beg the question, what was he doing taking photos of Rita in her living though doesn't it? But the scriptwriters have decided to wind it up there thankfully.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Martin, mascot race. Kill. Me. Now
BONG! The Canine Triangle continues
BONG! Chesney sees Sally in the bud, Les tells everyone
BONG! Norris, no job, junior partnership in Kabin

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