In which Eileen gets some action and St Ed comes clean

Eileen is increasingly frustrated by St Ed's lack of va va voom in matters bedroom. After watching a film together on the couch Eileen goes for some gentle cupping, but St Ed rejects her and suggests they watch "The Passion Of the Christ" instead or something. However after a few days, not even God himself can contain St Ed's erection and they go to bed to make sweet sweet love on a biblical scale. Next morning Eilieen is all content in the afterglow of their love, but St Ed seems troubled about something, my guess is after looking at nubile young ladies porn mags for 20 years it was a bit of a shock seeing Eileen's body, he leaves quickly, leaving Eileen feeling somewhat unclean.

Eileen sees him lateer in the pub and asks him what is going on, and does he not fancy her. he says "No, I really fancy you and you are special etc, however I must now go and confess to murder do something. Wait there, I won't be a tick". He goes to see Emily, complete with hammy stepping out of the shadows in a scary manner outside of her house. He tells Emily about how he has "done things" and so on, Emily says "But St Ed, it is not your past that we must be concerned about, what you are now is important. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you without mercy". St Ed confesses all about the robbery that went wrong, and how it was he that killed Ernest, even though he would've been about 12 at the time and he has played another character since, that he is now repentent. Emily tells him to "Get out and await your merciless crushing!". He then goes to the Cafe and cries for a bit whilst writing Emily a letter, he posts the letter only for Emily to come out in what looked like a outdoor coat that she was strangely wearing inside, and rip the letter into a thousand pieces, like the thousand broken pieces of her heart...

Not So St Ed then scarpers from Eileen leaving her thinking it is all over after only one game of hide the sausage. Good storyline this, you really can feel Emily's pain and it is teeing up for a great test of faith storyline for a long standing character.

Darth and Tracy are not getting on well, mainly due to Darth not wanting her there. Tracy however knows how to win Darth over and says, "Look Darth, my body is basically your potty to do with as your bodily functions will." This convinces Darth to keep her around. Steve is not happy at his quite frighteningly ugly daughter being left in a house with a Sith Lord, and they nearly have a fight. It is all very silly, but it was nice to see a reappearance of Steve's "Why the Fuck is This Happening to Me?" face after a long hiatus. Later in the week Darth starts to talk about the reasons why he wants to mictirate on women, something to do with his mum or something, but he clams up just at the point at which I was starting to get to this side of the "interested" post.

Tracy makes the mistake of thinking that this has weakened Darth and starts to take the mickey by leaving him alone with Amy all day. Charlie marches round to the pub with Amy in his arms and tells Tracy that she is chucked and her and her ugly kid are out, bag and baggage. Tracy tries to calm him but he says "I'm off to town to meet a mate and probably pull. Have you any idea how full my bladder is?!". Tracy: upset. Shelley: told you so. Darth: dark side fully returned.

All in Casa Carp is relatively normal, normal for them anyway. PPPhil returns from the shops and has bought David a Westlife CD (what the fuck?!), apparently the Carp said he liked them. Now PPPhil may be an evil foot maitherer but I am sure he is not stupid enough to think that a teenager as angry and messed up as David is going to storm out of the room and put "Flying Without Wings" on full blast? Anyway DAvid is suitably unimpressed and he tells PPPhil so, PPPHil drags him down the stairs and puts his hand in the door and says "How would you like me to break your fingers eh? You ugly wee shite on wheels." The Carp comes in as PPPhil releases David and he runs upstairs. PPPhil says, " I guess he disnae like Westlife", and smirks the smile of the evil. David also keeps seeing some blond woman around a lot and ends up in her house, for reasons I can't fathom. Maybe all will become clear next week.

Welcome to the most pathetically contrived plot in the history of Soapland. Tyrone and Molly have a day out on the van selling hot dogs and uncomfortably getting close to each other. On the way the home the van catches fire as they are driving along (oh my sides!), they drive along for a mile, incredibly without Tyrone spotting the flames in his mirrors (bang! there goes another rib!), they then decide the best way to put it out is to drive it into a duck pond in a park (oh stop it, please! I can't take anymore hilarity!). They end up snogging, surprise surprise. They are quite a well matched couple actually, in that they are both pointless characters and borderline retards.

Fred has kicked out Orchid permanently, but not before her Unconvincing Gangster Boyfriend terrified Rita out of her own house.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Frankie, Nathan: Going on a date (Frankie's eyebrows really need doing by the way)
BONG! Wurzel, Violet: still together
BONG! Deirdre: being blackmailed at work by someone about something (mind refusing to compute.)
BONG! The bookgroup: met once again, with hilarious results (seriously)
BONG! Dev & Amber: nice little relationship building.