Apologies for missing last week, with sepcific apologies to the admin staff at a certain North West England mental institution... Sorry Theresa & Co!
Chesney & Serphie are rummaging through some stuff in the Battersby residence when Serphie stumbles across Ches' birth certificate and sees that it is bereft of a father's name. Ches does that sad face he does and decides that Uncle Les must adopt him so that he will have a real dad once and for all. Les is chuffed at the idea and they get the adoption people in, however Les fails to declare his criminal record, so no doubt Ches is going to have his heart broken again when none of this comes off due to non-disclosure. Altogether now: awwwwwwwwww poor Ches.
Perverted Podiatrist Phil finds out from David that the Carp has received another card and gets all needy and weird about how she didn't tell him, in the end he brings it up at the table and David is all "she didn't want to tell you as you are probaly sending them you 9 foot freak!" PPPhil goes all "Grrr SMASH!" and makes a grab for David, The Carp is horrified and orders him out inmediamente. Whilst PPPhil is drowning his weirdness in the Rovers, The Carp is at home saying how she never learns and it is all her fault. For some reason her family are very conciliatry and not one of them says "yes it is your fault, your completely and utterly stupid bitch. Did you learn nothing? Are you a total bloody moron?", which is certainly what I and no doubt the nation would be saying. Later on in the week, Audrey tells Sarah that The Carp will need time to get over Phil. Well of course, I mean she's known him 6 months, she know nothing about him, he was freaky murderer loving weirdo, and he was bullying her son; in my experience people like that are always very difficult to get over. The upside though is that this bloody awful storyline is hopefully over.
Mike's disease is accelerating rapidly, and I'm sure the writers think that we have alzheimer's as they keep repeating the same dialogue between Jamie and Bradley, twice an episode:
Bradley "He should go in a home"
Jamie "No he shouldn't, we'll have him"
Bradley "You couldn't handle it"
Jamie "better than your skenning fuck-whore can I'll bet"
Bradley "leave her out of it"
Jamie "He's not going in a home"
Bradley "It's for the best"
There is much Forgetting Mind Disease Mayhem, involving Mike going missing and calling the Police on Bradley & Lady McLeanne. There is also a brilliant scene where Deirdre dances with him and cries like a baby on his shoulder at his terrrible state, really touching stuff, brilliantly written.
Mike eventually decides that his kids are awful, apart frm Mark and gets on the train to go and see him. He arrives soaking and Mark tries to apologise to him for shagging that Dingle woman off Emmerdale. Luckily Mike can't remember any of it, but the penny drops ant the mention of the worh "Linda" and he heads out into the night in his dressing gown and with a bottle of Scotch and some pills! HeroJamie turns up dressed as Bruce Sprinsteen in the Streets of Philadelphia video and rescues him by throwing away the pills and then rocking him to sleep. They all go home. Mike: Cold. Jamie: Wet. The nation: tearful. And you just know it's gonna get worse...
Gansters Moll has decided to start putting the Sexual Moves of the 1940s on Darth Builder. This pleases Darth, however she soon starts to rebuff and I am very confused. Darth confronts her on the street and tells her he is not one to be messed with "I've got a full bladder of piss with your name on it!" he sort of says, Steve sees all of this and then starts a fight with Darth but his feeble skills are no match for the Power of the Dark Side. Later Moll confesses to Steve that she was being all Gilda with Darth but only because Tracy is doing her head in. Steve's face of confusion is matched only by mine and the rest of the viewing public.
Tricky Dicky has returned from the cruise and has no home so McCleavage moves him into Steve's flat, on being told, Steve pulls such a sequence of "Why the Fuck is this Happening To Me?" faces that my dog had an epileptic fit due to the strobing effect caused. Tricky is obviously a bit of a twat and is getting Liz to do everything and pay for everything etc. He is holding auditions for a new singer for his band and there is much non-comedy at all the rubbish singers that are turning up, and Liz decides to give it a go. She sings 'Fever' and is not too bad, whislt she is singing Tricky turns to the band and says "She's the best today, and I can guarantee she'll play 'threes up' in the back of the van." However Liz's ambitions are thwarted when a late auditionee turns up, it's that girls who was in that band who married that bloke who was in Eastenders but is now fat, bald and unemployable. SHe sings, is good, they let her in yadda yadda. Liz: not happy.
In Other News:
BONG! Sean pretends to have a boyfriend.
BONG! Norris has a housewarming party straight out of Abigail's Party
BONG! Rita & Emily are pissing each other off under the same roof.