August 03, 2005

dun, dun, dun dun; dun, dun, dun; dun, dun, duuuuuuun! Risin' Up back on the Street etc..

First of all apologies as I did not see much Corrie last week, see even though I enjoy writing this I do have other things in my life like my wife, kids and work believe it or not, so some of this is cribbed from the website updates and my lovely friends on GU Talk..

It's fight night in the Street with our Ashley taking on Mad Dog in a fight for the Shittest Plot Championship of the World. It all ends up in a riot and Clurr somehow comes out of her lobotomised stupor and asserts herself a bit with Mad Dog's girlfriend. The fight was a draw if anyone cares. I actually think that the Scriptwriters have missed the perfect opportunity here to reconstruct the the final scene from Rocky, only with Ashley shouting "Cluuuuuuuur!" at the top of his pre-pubescent comedy voice, instead we get this shite served up to us. NEXT!

It is Scooter's big day as Carpgate gets an airing in court. Martin is a bit bemused by the whole thing, he should count himself lucky as I spent most of this episode trying to ram a rusted rasp into my jugular to make it stop. Gail takes the stand as a character witness, of course if she was telling the truth she would say "To be honest m'lud, I'd never seen him until my daughter randomly brought him home one day and then he moved in 45 minutes later, for all I know he could be a goat rapist". Of course she doesn't say that and talks about how he is lovely and the like, the prosecutor then says:

"Isn't it true Ms Hillman, if indeed that is your real name, that the only reason you are here defending this man is that the Carp he rescued are actually part of your own species?"
"Do you expect the jury to believe that your face is entirely human?"
"well yes I do"
"I've no further questions for Barbel features here m'lud"

I think he got off at the end but I was beginning to feel woozy due to the blood loss by this time.

Danny's dad is dead, and his mum Viv has turned up, I think she used to be in Eldorado as she looks very familiar. Anyway she's not impressed with Coronation Street and it's cobbles and northern people as she is considerably richer than that. She later tells Mike that he is in fact Danny's dad, Penny echoes all our thoughts when she says "not another one!". He really has got lucky that bloke, especially considering he looks like a terrapin. He is outraged etc etc, she says "Well I gave birth about nine months after we made the beast with two backs didn't I? Didn't you work it out? hello! McFly!" Mike: tired and emotional (and forgetful). Viv: "Oh look, they wear the same clothes as we do up here, how novel!"

Barlow vs McDonald continues like a runaway milk lorry, a very boring runaway milk lorry. Tracy bullies the Crappers into not allowing Steve to even look at Amy or else she'll withdraw crypto adopto sub-parenting rights. They have no choice but to give in as Hayley's bespoke uterus is made from laminated papier mache and therefore can only hold water and redundant sperm, not a lickle baby of their very own.

Incredibly, considering the vast body of evidence they had (not), the police case against Steve regarding kidnapping crumbled like a house of cards, on shifting sand, that had nver been built in the first place. I think the CPS probably said something like "let him go and don't bother us with this crap again Mr Plod".

They finally end up in court on Monday over paternity or something, Deirdre and Liz go to court showing a united front as grandparents and as joint High Priestesses of the Pantheon of Sartorial Disaster. Deirdre is once again wearing a belt around her beergut to draw more attention to it, and Liz sports a conservative court ensemble of sequined halter neck top and skirt split so far up the left thigh that I'm sure I got a glimpse of next week's washing. Anyway, at the end the judge arbitrarily says "right I believe Steve is the father so that's that out of the way". Steve: smirks Tracy: face like thunder. The nation: is this the end of it then?

Sadly no, on the return to the street Liz suggests Steve talk to Tracy to try and sort it outside of court. Steve goes over and Tracy takes a dive that an Italian footballer would be proud of and calls her mum saying that Steve threatened her, Deirdre has obviously switched her brain to "inadequate" mode as she believes Tracy and talks about solicitors and things. Steve's short-lived smile crumples into the all too familiar "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" face, he goes back over to Liz and says "Well done genius". Tracey goes back to court and tells the judge who grants an temporary injunction. I know they have to speed up the the plot a bit so a little artistic license is fair enough, but I'm pretty sure you can't just pop into court and get an injunction, don't you at leat have to fill in a form or something? Tracy smiles whilst a nation cries salt tears of despair.

Meanwhile at the House of Crypto Rape and Coercion, Fred has had enough of Shelley and is going to give her til Friday to shape herself or get out, bag and baggage! He speaks to Bev about it she is all "Well maybe you should, but then again no maybe you shouldn't". Fred: voluble. Bev: desperate. The Nation: so bored we could shit concrete.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Lister buying Streetcars, yawn.
BONG! Sean, Irish vet, not yet in pants.
BONG! Sean, kelly, job in Rovers, rivals, double yawn

Sorry about the title, but I just had to get Eye of the Tiger in...

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