July 26, 2005

For I Shall take you home Ciaran, to where your heart will feel no pain.

The continuing saga, er, continues with Bar Wars Episode XXXXVXMMII: Darth Strikes Back.

Bev has licked Darth's spit off her face and the revulsion she feels leads her to call the police to say that Darth is bad, evil, reptilian and he smells of poo and wee. The police send round a (rather attractive) female copper, who quizzes Darth in the middle of the pub, which is obviously standard procedure in all police investigations. The copper has no idea of the dark forces she is dealing with and Darth easily mind tricks her, "I'm not the builder you are looking for, Bevi Want A-Shaggy is the criminal, I can go about my business". "You can go about your business" repeats the feeble minded rozzer. Bev gets a full size bollocking off the fuzz for wasting their time. Dark Side 1 Decent People 0.

Ciaran has had enough of Darth and attacks him in the pub, Darth acts all feeble and passive aggressive for he has realised the force is strong with Ciaran and so he must be destroyed. Shelley sees what is going down and of course goes mad with Ciaran. "Leave him alone, he's a lover not a fighter" she shouts, the pub gasp once more. Ciaran releases him but has a warning for Shelley, "Look at what he's done to you, you stupid woman, one day he'll really hurt you and by then you'll look like a chubby Joan Rivers, and then what will you do?". Ciaran decides that he must leave and amazingly packs all of his earthly possessions into a small rucksack. Before leaving he nips round to see Bev, explaining that he's off as the world is his oyster, "think about all the places I could go" he says, "like Chorlton, Rochdale, Leigh, Stalybridge and Wythenshawe." He talks of all the women he could love in a very real and dirty way whilst on the road, Bev seizes her opportunity for abject humiliation and moves in thrusting her wrinkled bosom at poor Ciaran in his moment of weakness and saying "Let's Go to Bed" (maybe she saw the results of this site's poll and had the video camera set up ready). Ciaran says something along the lines of "you must be fucking joking" and leaves. Ciaran: shudders. Bev: Gagging for it

Meanwhile, guess who's got the blame for the Ciaran incident? That's right, Dame Shelley of Feeble Brain. Darth goes out for the day, probably to spit in children's faces or point and laugh at road accidents or something, leaving Shelley alone with only the voices in her head for company. Shelley: scarred and depressed. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Barlow vs McDonald continues unabated. Steve tells Tracy not to go to court at she will be mincemeat with her tissue of lies (how's that for a mixed metaphor), Tracy is having none and goes to see her solicitor. She still will not have it even when he says "You've got about as much chance of nailing diahorrea to a wall love" or something like that. This makes her even more determined to let battle commence. Deirdre tries the softly, softly catchy Tracy approach (she is now friends again with Liz after something about World War 1 in a restaurant or something).

Tracy relents and lets Steve take Amy out, he is going to the zoo but she says that she would rather go to the airport and watch planes, Steve has obviously left his brain in a pickle jar on his hearth at home for failing to spot this obvious ploy. It couldn't be more blatant if she'd said, "I've packed the baby's stuff and written 'I am a kidnapper' on your back OK?". Anyway Steve falls for it and heads to the airport where lo and behold the rozzers turn up and arrest him for trying to kidnap Amy. You can fill in the gaps by using these words: Tracy, pretend shock, stalking, kidnap, not Amy's real dad. Steve pulls a mind boggling series of "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces and tells the coppers that he didn't do it etc. The coppers open up the bag and find passports etc. Steve: Oh shit. Coppers: irrefutable evidence, you're nicked sunbeam, off to the pub for questioning! The nation: hang on he hasn't got any tickets, or boarding passes, or his own passport!

Penny and Mike return from Spain after about 6 months it seems, and his alzheimer's plot is kicking in as he is forgetting a lot of stuff. To be fair this is a good and realistic storyline, for a character as sharp as Mike it is a good story, and it's not often this stuff is done in soaps. Well done writers. In other Baldwin-related news, Danny's dad has died, I'm not sure why we're supposed to care.

Kirk and Maria's parents are moving to a donkey sanctuary in Cyprus (no really) and have given the kennels to the kids. Maria wants to sell, Kirk doesn't as he loves the dogs and has far too small a brain to work anywhere else. Maria ends up being disinherited by her parents and Fiz is all smug, at least until she has to start shovelling dog turds around then she's not so chuffed. NEXT!

Non-Comedy Sub-Plot Corner

Cilla crashes Blanche's wheelchair into the canal (oh my sides!) in quite the most unconvincing crash ever committed to film.

Sean runs after a dog for some reason (oh, there goes another rib!) involving a vet that he'd quite like to get it on with.

In other news (abbreviated)

BONG! Boxing match, Nathan punched by Ashley, still shit
BONG! Dev, selling street cars, who cares?
BONG! Twins, fancy nathan, new realms of shitty plot as yet untouched by western civilisation

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