July 19, 2005


Off to Darth Towers once more for the continuing adventures of Darth Builder and the Cryto Coercion Brainwash Jamboree...

Shelley goes to the Clinic of Facial Transformisation for her consultation. She comes back happy, "She seemed to understand my need to horribly disfigure myself in order to stop my pantomime villain boyfriend from snitching off" she says. Darth looks upon his works and is pleased. Darth is also now happy to have made a submissive of Violet, who is staying away from work and has vowed to wear the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia for all eternity to protect her. Darth walks into the garage and finds Jason and Violet in an embrace, he talks of their love and then extends a tentacle to rub Violet's arm. Violet: repulsed. Darth: "I'll get you my pretty". Jason: blissfully unaware.

Violet's strange behaviour later leads Jason to assume that she is pregnant and he makes a lovely speech about "not being like his dad and looking after the bairn and everything". Violet cries due to the crushing guilt and shame causing her untold pain.

Bev decides to become Miss Marple for a week and starts rifling through Darth's office drawers, grabs a handful of papers and runs! Bearing in mind this is a builder's yard she probably got a 2 year old copy of Razzle, a 1986 Pirelli Calendar and several back issues of the Daily Star. Realising the futility of her plan she instead decides to phone all his customers instead to explain to them that he is a Crypto Racist, a bully and he smells of pooh and wee. Not satisfied with this she employs a glamourous assistant (Ciaran) and meets Shelley as she comes back from having her face transformified. "You look like a Panda in negative!" cries Bev, "It wasn't Darth!" cries Shelley, "Gasp", erm, gasp the pub. Cue all hell breaking loose and Bev once again being hoyed out the pub. Do they not have Pubwatch in Weatherfield? She could be banned now from every pub in the locality if they did.

Darth once again makes all this out to be Shelley's fault and decides but then comes back. He says "I nearly went, but I sat in the van and jacked off thinking of my power over you realised that your mum would win if I left, so I'm staying, on the condition that you accept Golden Showers as part of our sex life". "Oh anything Darth, just don't leave me", the acquiescence of a broken woman is complete. Darth: mwahahahahahahahaha aaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Shelley: What's a golden shower? He later pays a visit to Bev, she wants him to hit her, either because a) she is kinky or b) she wants to get him locked up. He realises her game, tells her that Shelley is now a subordinate of the dark side and that it is all Bev's fault. He then licks her face with a reptilian tongue and leaves. Bev: Crying. Darth: Satisfied. The nation: deeply uncomfortable.

Elsewhere, Sean is getting hemself a boyfriend in the shape of a Irish Vet called Tim. Insert your own joke about putting hands up arses here........

Scooter has destroyed Gail's fence whilst rescuing the carp (now there's a line I thought I'd never be writing in my life), she somehow ends up on his side. I end up snoring. NEXT!

Warren is realeased from Weatherfield Town or whatever the club is called, Candice promptly dumps him for "ruining her life and holding her back", Warren gets a proper mard lip at this point and I almost begin to feel sorry for him, until I remember every scene he has ever been in and the anger kills the pity. However Warren has the last laugh when he is invited to play in Spain by Brookside Incest Fashion Woman, no doubt he hasn't realised that she has other versions of "playing away" in mind for him. At this point we are not sure if it involves pretending to be her brother. Candice tries to win him back, but to no avail, he is off to sleep with a woman with at least 20 less teeth in her gob.

Blanche is not happy being waited on by Deirdre, and is struggling with her Bionic Hip, Deirdre tries to help by getting her a motorised wheelchair, Blanche: not happy and even more nasty than usual.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Roy, contraption, sold, not funny, shit
BONG! Ashley, lad from garage, boxing coach, more shit
BONG! Tracy, Steve, Solicitors etc.

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