July 13, 2005


Firstly we go to Darth Towers, where Shelley has decided that the only way to keep Darth Builder is to get cosmetic surgery to make her look like Violet. I assume that she is going to get a prosthetic neckerchief grafted on to her neck and then a strange lispy tooth gauge inserted, or maybe not, or maybe I don't care. Anyway, Darth Builder is not happy about it and tells her, " I love you just the way you are, you fat, pathetic, ga-ga bitch", and then tries to nuzzle her bosom in an arousing manner. Shelley recoils, Darth storms off still carrying a full load of potato juice, Shelley shouts after him, "I'll let you!" (eeeeeewww!), but it's too late, he is gone. Darth: Evil and gagging for it. Shelley: Entering as yet undiscovered realms of lunacy.

Darth then turns his attention to his Young Apprentice Violet, who for the first time in 8 months has removed her Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia thus leaving herself criminally unprotected from power of the dark side. Darth sees this error and makes his move, getting her drunk and moving in for the big snog, Violet responds but then for some rseason he says "hang on a minute" and goes out the back, maybe he's gone to get some johnnies, or Nutella, or a gimp mask. Violet seizes her opportunity and legs it, not wanting to risk a possible heady cocktail of chocolate spread and demeaning bondage. Just as she is by the door Darth reappears, she says "I'll never turn to the dark side, and please don't tell Jason", he says "You're just like that stupid slag upstairs". Violet: Penny drops. Darth: Jazz mag time.

The Barlow women are back from Poland, this leads to Ken & Dreary running upstairs excitedly, I would make a joke about what they were probably going to do but some of you may be eating reading this. Tracy returns later in the week, Steve makes demands, she rebuffs etc. Work out what is happening from these words: Court, access, rights, Roy testifying. Tracy then uses Amee as leverage with the Cropsters: "testify and you'll never see my mewling baby again!". Hayley caves in, Roy is not happy but Hayley says something like, "We can't have a baby because the only internal plumbing I've got is a pee-pipe and an inside out willie, so we are being selfish on this one". Tracy rewards them with an entire day to spend with Amee, who by the way is a very ugly child.

Candice enters a model competition seemingly dressed as International Prostitute Disco Dancing Champion (Northern section). Football Boy is not happy but tags along and is soon chatted up by the woman who slept with her brother in Brookside. She has obviously gor bored with incest and gained a penchant for sleeping with untalented midgets with shit hair instead. Needless to say Candice fails the audition, along with some Non-comedy from the twins.

Bob arranges a ride in the country with Liz , he means on bikes, she comes expecting an altogether different ride in heels and mini skirt. It's all a bit "Last of the Summer Wine", only without Thora Hird (may the Lord bless her sweet stair-lifted soul).

In other news:

BONG! The boxing match is still on
BONG! Scooter and Sarah rescued the carp (for fuck's sake)
BONG! Roy builds his Grandad's door thing, attracting attention from the Gazzette
BONG! That's all folks!

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