July 05, 2005

Life's A Riot With Butcher vs Butcher!

Coronation Street has officially entered the inverted blockbuster season. Whilst Holywood is turning out it's biggest films for the summer, the films which will prop the industry up for another unimaginative year, Corrie is turning out it's crappiest storylines. This is in order to mark time until the autumn, when the nights draw in and people get their knitting out, bunker in for the winter and actually pay proper attention to the telly, rather than doing silly things like going out or gardening.

So anyway the parade of shite is thus:

Fred is having a row with another fat butcher who also has a squeakey voiced son (oh my sides!). They decide to finish it by Ashley and Ashley MkII doing combat in the ring, judging by the way they both talk that could mean bumming each other into submission, but it more than likely means boxing. I feel sorry for Fred as they seem to have turned his character into the buffoon he was 10 years ago when he first appeared, the character and the actor deserve better. NEXT!

Roy is still building the energy saving contraption on his door. The rest of the cast cannot get in but are humouring him, where are Cilla and Les when you need them to get someone told? NEXT!

Ken's hopes of a full Wank Week are ruined by people popping round all the time and the builders smashing up his house by accident. In the end he explodes in a fit of rage borne of excess sexual tension. He fumes at Jason "All I want to do is give it to Nikki from Basildon on page 42 of Parade with both barrels, but you have smashed my window!"

The Scooter/Sarah non-story continues. I really don't know what is going on here, but it ends with Scooter finding some Koi Carp in distress at some odd woman's house who seems convinced that Scooter is going to molest her. He'd be more interested in the dog love I reckon. Anyway he then retells the distressed Koi storyline to the Platt's, who seem to listen. For some reason not one of them says "What the fuck are you banging on about, you unconvincing sub-character of little relevance?" Not even David, who for someone who grew up in a suburb of Manchester has the strongest South Yorkshire accent I have ever heard. I think Martin might have been laughing but it's hard to tell with him as has the acting craft of a carrot. NEXT!

Clurr finally gets a job on the Taxis. One of her first jobs is to pick up a couple of school kids and take them home, they try and pull a fast one by saying they only get in the taxi if they have chocolate. The young scamps are soon foiled by Claire, who says "fine, fuck you then I'm going anyway", bluff called, go Clurr! I was really hoping that the kids would then Happy Slap her, sending her stupid remmo glasses flying - a golden opportunity for a topical and frankly amusing storyline missed...

Wiggy has asked Leanne to move in with him, in a proper flat and everything, she says she can't because she's taking it in the naughty place off his dad not ready to move in yet. Wiggy: Sad. Leanne: Rough as.

Shelley is still holed up the Bedroom of Inadequacy within the Castle of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Darth Builder is playing a cunning game of telling everyone he's fed up with her, yet exacerbating her issues with is talk of fat rabbits and the fact that he might run away forever, to Celebrity Crypto Island, where he will have 5 weeks to turn Jodie Marsh into a gibbering orange wreck in a batwing jumper. Violet and Ciaran are about to malfunction because the rota is about to run out (there are only 2 of you, you seem to work every day, how hard can it be?). Anyway Fred decides enough is enough, (I say enough is enough!) and tells Shelley to go and see a doctor. Shelley says "I don't need to see a doctor I'm fine, I was just saying this to the Mermaid that lives in my bedroom, under the trapdoor that leads to hell which must never look in, oh no, never look in there." Fred: Concerned. Darth: Mwahahahahaha! Shelley: Cuckoo.

Darth later uses the Jedi mind trick to send Ciaran home and be alone with Violet. Shelley listens at the top of the stairs as Darth says, "Come with me Violet, we can be one on the road to nowhere". Violet says "You cannot have me Darth, my soul is pure and protected by the sacred neckerchief of Jasonia, which as you know I never, ever, ever take off". Darth: Work in progress mwahahahaha! Violet: perturbed.

Steve is Desperately Seeking Tracy, but he cannot find her as the Barlow's have closed ranks on him. "I'd like to help you but I can't" says Ken "Unless you can lend me you spare room and some kleenex". Steve: "WTFITHTM" Face 277.

Much non-comedy with Norris and his book. These plots are normally very funny in Corrie, but they are usually done much better than this, these characters deserve more than being shoe-horned into a deliberate sub Alan Bennett "comedy" set piece that insults both the actors and the viewers in my opinion. And the less said about the "hilarious" twins and their boyfriend shenanagins the better!

And last of all, where the hell has the Rersie and Sally vegetarian plot gone, that was looking good and would actually be worth watching. Instead we get the shower of cack above! BAH!

No comments: