October 18, 2005


Liz Taylorette has turned up on the street, demanding to know why her beautiful Wurzel son's wedding has been postponed, and where she can get some SmartPrice Brandy at 9:30am. She goes to see Leanne, who once again shows her ability to be utterly brain-dead under questioning and says, "It's Frankie's fault, Bradley's been playing hide the sausage with another woman again and now she's dead upset and so she says she can't handle us getting married", Taylorette storms off to see Frankie, well done Leanne. Bradley sees Liz Taylorette entering his former abode and his crinkly mush crumples into what can only be described as an "oh shit" face. Taylorette starts laying the law down to Frankie, until in the end Frankie cannae take no more captain and says "It was Leanne, that's why he can't marry her!" It is now Taylorette's turn to show her total lack of cool under pressure skills, and storms off for the second time in search of Leanne. Teh whole Crypto Clan end up meeting in the factory office, Taylorette determined to tell THE TRUTH, Bradley tries aversion tactics , "oh is that the time? Wurzel let's me and you get this delivery out, where's me washboard? A man walks in to a bar, listen to this it's a cracker this one, he says to the barman 'have you ever slept with a horse?'" Taylorette suffers this no longer and tells THE TRUTH. Ruh-Roh!

Wurzel wheels round to Bradley, who actually has a go at adding crying to his emotional repertoire (which now reads: cheeky, chirpy, crying, cheeky, shouting, cheeky). To be honest it is so bad I expect a drama tutor to walk on and say "Ok Bradley we'll come back to that, let's move on to exercise 4 - Being a Tree Throught Medium of Dance." Wurzel is having none as he has become the second person in the space of a week to have his heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces. Bradley later tries to talk to him, Wurzel says, "Look dad, Wheel of Fortune was bad enough, but this I cannot forgive you for".

Liz Taylorette sees an opportunity to win back her boy and starts tipping poison in about how Frankie didn't tell him because she is evil and doesn't really love him, Wurzel being a bear of very little brain at first agrees, but later realises like thet rest of us that Frankie is ace and decides to stay. Frankie: pleased. Liz Taylorette: Heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces, No 3. I suggest Wurzel should make a move on Frankie, after all they are about the same age, thus creating such a complicated Crypto-Incest situation that even Mormons will get confused.

Leanne eventually leaves, I am shocked by how little I care. Later in the week, Wurzel turns up with cropped hair, maybe it is symbol of a new beginning or maybe he is a sort of reverse Samson who will gain brains and charm through having short hair. More likely someone just told him the truth, that his hair was a Hate Crime and if he didn't sort it out a European Tribunal would be after him.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Gail has now lapped poor Eileen in this competition she is so far ahead, but the more I see of Phil the more I think that she has had a lucky escape. Anyway, Gail and Phil go out for a meal to The Clock, Gail wants to know more about him, like how did he get into foot maithering. Given her past with men I'd be asking more searching questions than that if I was her: "Do you have an unconvincing evil stare?", "Are you in any way psychopathic?" for example. He relays a story about some widow on a bus getting her feet rubbed and it made her forget about her dead husband or something, I feel it's more about a desire to lick between women's toes myself, time will tell, watch this space. Gail maturely decides that this is enough information to shag him and takes him home, only to be scuppered by Teenage Rage! David has made a mess of the house and simply makes grunting noises when spoken to, Phil makes his excuses and leaves. Gail is furious, she says "you need to more grown up David! Now get to your room you naughty little boy!" David goes upstairs and blasts out Joy Division from his stereo. Fabulous stuff, the longer I can put off thinking about the image of Gail's orgasm face whilst a giant Scotsman sweats and heaves over her the better.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a toyboy, who is a dead ringer for the dwarf from Fantasy Island and The Man With the Golden Gun. She parades him around in front of Steve who pulls his usual array of Why the Fuck Is This Happening To Me™ faces. Liz says, "let's go and have a shower together Andy", Steve says "He's called Andy?! Eeeeeewwwwwwwwwww!" before washing his eyes out with caustic soda. Andy says, "Look Boss! Zee plane." Andy later brings his mother to the Rovers to meet Liz, she is a clone of her, Liz becomes afraid of the oedipal nightmare she has wandered into and packs him in on the spot. Andy looks upset, wait until Mr Scaramanga finds out about it mate.

Ronnie and Steve are still going strong, Taxilord has been round to Streetcars to put the frighteners on Lloyd, who then tells Steve to pack her in and pack her bags for everybody's sake. Taxilord then provides evidence he attended the same Crap Gangster College as Byrite Andy on EastEnders, by invoking a terrifying campaign of spilling Olive Oil on seats and making hoax taxi bookings. The Horror! Steve is blatantly in love with his 1940s debutante Ronnie and thus cannot lose her so he decides to meet up with Taxilord to tackle the issue head on. They meet up in a pub, Taxilord says "hello Steve, this is my Unconvicing Henchman Son, that is required in all of these scenes, carry on". Steve details his Roadmap to Peace, involving not straying onto Taxilord's patch and not causing anymore damage etc, he however makes a diplomatic faux pas when he then adds " and your missus hates you and loves having sex with me and she isn't coming back ever. Fancy a drink?". Taxilord makes some cliched points about Steve having guts to face him or something. Whilst Steve is at the bar, Unconvincing Henchman Son says "are you going soft?", Taxilord says "no, whacking (yes he actually used that word) him would be a waste of a bullet, he'll wish he's never been born by the end of this yadda yadda yadda". Please. Make. This. Stop. Now. Remember the simple equation: Decent Soap + Gangsters = Death of Soap (see Brookside)

Robyn has found out about Martin's past and is not replying to his calls, Martin goes to finds her at school and they eventually talk. He tells all and she says, "So let me get this straight, added to the fact that you are a rat faced minger who can't act, you have also been arrested for murder and spent time shacked up with a 16 year old girl with serious sartorial issues?"
"Funnily enough I need some time to think about this". About 5 seconds should be enough love.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Deirdre, quit smoking, Ken, quit Coffee, Nation, quit caring
BONG! Les, Cilla, no church
BONG! Janice, giving Bradley trouble

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