September 14, 2005

Indecent Proposal

Gail is shocked and horrified at the request Phil made re the interview, and is walking around the street being guarded by David in case the Scottish fiend shows his face again, Sarah is also unhappy. By the way, it has been about 98 days since anyone last saw Bethany on screen. Phil comes round to apologise and consesses to Gail that he wasn't just after an interview, he also facied a bit of the other as well. Gail gloops her mouth ecstatically and considers her latest proposition whilst eating Boilie and trying to avoid detection by tectonic sonar lake scanners.

She decides to go for it as she would like to help other people in her situation and it might help the kids, plus she hasn't had anything near her naughty place since Richard Hillman, and sex with him probably involved something along the lines of that sword strap-on thing from Se7en.

She brings the kids into the living room, Sarah says something about "I used to lie crying in the night til night goes into morning just another day, happy people pass my way". David however is not in the mood to half quote Manilow lyrics and simply states "I blame you, you and only you, you, you're the one I'm blaming, you. Got That?!" Gails eyes widen and her mouth gloops frantically. She then decides she must speak to Phil and so must the kids, to "help them". Good plan, going to a doctor or family counselling is obviously a stupid idea when you have a foot maitherer doing a part time Criminology degree to sort out your issues.

Shelley's journey down her road to Sanity Damascus continues with relations with her mother getting better, and her venturing into the bar a couple of times. Darth is very unhappy about it and is now constantly surrounded by so dark an aura he looks like a Ready Brek advert in negative. Bev's stuck on smile is removed when she goes to see Charlie and offers him some filthy lucre to leave, he says "no ta". He is pulling out all the the Jedi headfuck stops to prevent Wrinkly Bosom Bev from coming to the wedding, eventually suggesting that the wedding be postponed, then informing Shell of the attempted bribe, then saying that she can come anyway. So powerful is this headmangle that I put on my dressing gown and go and sit in my bedroom for three days. He really is that good...

Frankie and Bradley Walsh return from Spayn, blissfully unaware that Liz Taylorette has been running round the street and factory and their home in a drunken stupor, shouting about how Bradley is a bastard, Frankie as slayg and that Michael Jackson is a beautiful human being. Jamie thinks he has done a good job of covering it up until FatRipley lets it slip in the pub, "Ey you're ex is a rum one isn't she, she told me all about your past Bradley, all the juicy stuff: Appaling comedian, Wheel of Fortune all of it." Bradley: Not happy.

Leanne is pining for some Bradley love after having to shag Wurzel Gummidge for a whole week. However , the week in Catholic Spayn has obviously made him come over all monogamous and he says, "You must top your whoring ways my child, as I have done,". Leanne says "Am I bovvered? Look at my face?". Leanne: Crestfallen. Bradley: trying his best.

Tracy and Steve finally have their day in court. It's not pretty, to give you the abridged testimonies,

Tracy: pretended local weirdo was dad, sold baby, took baby back, drove Karen mental, took money off Steve then denied he was father

Steve: Found out was dad, chose to ignore it, then paid some money, then ignored it again, then pretended to love tracy, broke her heart into a thousand pieces.
The Judge is damning in his criticism of the two of them and of how long they have managed to drag out this storyline for, and in the end rules Steve can have access. The Nation cries salt tears of joy and this conclusion, simply because it is the conclusion and no other reason.

Lister has decided that the way to sort out Streetcars is to let the drivers pick their own call sign. Steve very sensibly asks what the commercial benefit is of this, the nation asks what is the point of this ridiculous character and storyline. I can't remember what they picked to be honest so I'll just make them up. Les was "Shit Actor", Clurr was "Appaling Character" and Lister was "Scouse Twat" or something. Steve refrained and engaged is a montage of Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me? faces instead.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a new bloke, who appears to be the genetic hybrid spawn of Jocky Wilson and Big Cliff Lazarenko.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Kirk, Fiz, New girl at kennels, triangle.
BONG! Les, Cilla, getting married, much hilarity and Status Quo apparently
BONG! Audrey, Keith, dates etc NEXT!
BONG! Keith, Craig, pig in back yard (oh my sides!)

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