The End of the Affair

The World's Least Interesting Affair is now in the open since FatRipley came home and found Leanne and Bradley Walsh heavy petting on the sofa, something for which they would of course be thrown out of the swimming baths, along with running, smoking and the most heinous of crimes: bombing. FatRipley is giving it the large one in the factory, being lippy and lazy, Danny is about to say something but is given a "Bollock me and I'll have your bollocks, or your wife will" look. Cowed, Bradley returns to his office and later tells Leanne to tell FatRipley to pack it in, Leanne laughs and says "She's only having a laugh, you crinkly old comedian you". Anyway, it all becomes too much for Bradley who decides that they have to split up. Leanne is all "Am I bovvered", but it is obvious that inside her heart is splintered into a thousand pieces. Her mood is lifted however when Bradley suggests they go to a special hotel, for a special night of special sexualness. Christ, imagine that crinkly face and white teeth bearing down on you...

In order to facilitate Bradley's Burnage Bonking Bonanza he sends Wurzel to Amshterdam, however on the day the van breaks down and so Wurzel spends the afternoon getting frisky with Leanne. Two blokes in one day for her then, nice. As they lie in the afterglow of their love Wurzel ends up proposing, producing some of Elizabeth Duke's finest in the process, Leanne accepts, and also agrees to go to Amshterdam with him for a Leerdammer fuelled sexfest. She rings Bradley to tell him it's off, leaving a message in the answerphone, then promptly leaves her phone behind with Frankie. Ruh-Roh!

Later, Bradley is in the hotel room awaiting his quarry, he checks his messages and then phones Leanne's mobile. Leanne's mobile rings and is accompanied by a photo of Bradley in the knacker on the screen and the name "Bradley (the one who has been having sex with me for a number of months)", Not exaclty one of the greatest criminal minds is Leanne. Frankie looks puzzled and chooses to answer it in a Leanne voice, Bradley says "Where are you? I'm stood here with a hard on and nowhere to put it, and it's no use playing hard to get because I know and you know that you are a slag". Frankie says, "erm Bradley, it's me". Bradley puts the phone down and says nothing, but you can see on his face that something inside him has just fallen on its side. Frankie: heart smashed into a million betrayed pieces.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron. Eileen has a date with Phil and later gloats to Gail that he is not interested in her and that her family are just another family of freaks for his thesis. Gail, being the grown up that she is, then goes and kicks Phil out in a fit of pubescent rage just as Sarah is about to open up to him. Well done Carpy, top marks for perspective and maturity there. Phil later tries to make amends with Gail, Sarah attempts to rebuff him but as he knocks on the door Gail's eyes widen and her mouth gloops ecstatically in spite of Sarah's protests about the fact that he is a bit of a shit and all that. Phil weaves his Caledonian Silver Tongued Majic on her and also destroys the interview tapes to show he really wants her as more than an interviewee, Gail is happy and they agree to start again. Erm Gail, there are things called tape recorders in this world, they can make copies of tapes, might be worth bearing that in mind.

Later Eileen tries to build bridges (after being blanked by Phil) by telling Gail that they've both been duped by an improbable character, but when Phil comes to meet Gail at that point she throws Eileen a "Have that you bitch!" look. Right can we dump the slow plotting now and just move to the bit where Eileen beats Gail's face repeatedly with a coal shovel? I'm sure that would make us all a lot happier.

Violet and Jason go out for a big clubbing session (the dancing type, not the baby seal type), which is the first time I can remember any of the young characters going out properly at all by the way. Once bladdered, Violet is again overcome with the weight of guilt re the Darth Snogging, telling Shelley obviously was not enough to purge her fetid soul so now she must face Jason. She tells him that what he is about to hear will shock and horrify him, but he is still too pilled off his box giddy from his night out to listen to her, until she tells him the full awful truth that is. Jason is not happy, he cannot believe that she would be so stupid to remove the Sacred Neckerchief of Jasonia and thus let Darth in for the snog, so he orders her to sleep on the couch.

Next day Jason jacks his job in because he cannot work for such an evil man, I mean it was OK when Darth was weeing everyone else's women, but not his woman. Violet moves in with Shelley as they share the bond of having being turned to the dark side, they no doubt go in the back room put "I Will Survive" on and drink Lambrini. Sean tries to get Jason to talk to Violet, Jason isn't in the mood to take advice from the resident wrongmo, however Shelley puts a dent in his Armour of Outrage, so all is not lost.

In other news (abbreviated):
BONG! Cilla, wedding dress, non-comedy shenanegins
BONG! Martin, mascot love. Kill. me. now.
BONG! Liz, bicycle bakery deliveries, more non-comedy
BONG! Diggory, will someone please kill him (that's a request, not news)
BONG! Nathan, foils garage scam, of little consequence
BONG! Streetcars, new driver, woman for Steve
BONG! Kelly, Lloyd, another woman, no-one cares.