Charlie says, "never listen to your mummy, you fat cow"

Shelley is trurning into a cross between Miss Haversham and Bette Davies in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane", but with less bollocks. Ironically, Charlie has actually hit her with a door so she is hiding out as he has convinced her that the public will not believe the TRUTH and it is ALL HER FAULT. Shelley simpers and shakes for a bit, but is successful in repelling all borders from the likes of Jason on a ladder and Fred on mission. Deirdre decides enough is enough (much like we have decided enough is enough of her waspy belt, with added pot belly emphasis) and phones Shelley's mother: cue all hell breaking loose. Long story short Shelley throws her out and says "Why will no-one believe me that my Charlie loves me and doesn't degrade me, break me down bit by bit and turn me into a gibbering jelly afraid of my own shadow?". Note to self Shell: 'because he has love'.

Anyway, this is of course Shelley's fault in Charlie's Psycho World Of Sinister Coercion and so she must pay! He finishes with her, but then gets back with her after making a speech somehow involving calling her a "Big Fat Rabbit", and ends in telling Shelley that she must "show how much she loves him". This involves shagging him when she just wants a cuggle... nice. Charlie: Chuffed. Shelley: Borderline raped. Nation: feels uncomfortable.

All is now well and Shelley decides it is time to greet her adoring public, for some reason this must be done dressed as a bat with bingo wings, however she cannot get to the bottom of the stairs without getting all out of breath. This means she is either a) unfit from lying in bed for a fortnight, or b) having panic attacks, due to being borderline raped and called a big fat rabbit. You make up your minds

The new Baldwin clan are unaware that Bradley Walsh is having it away with Leanne (poor girl, she has a direct choice between a lad with a Vileda supermop for a hairdo or a crinkled game show host with teeth so white it looks like they arelit by a U2 concert rig). Anyway, he says "i want you", she says "alright then", a nation says "I'm putting the kettle on."

Tracy is getting full on with Steve, she wants to move in. Steve spends all week going through his vast repertoire of "why the fuck is this happening to me?" faces.

The Webster household is unhappy, Sally can't get a decent job as Improbable Ian has hacked into her Reed online user account and put "a bit of how's your father" and "slag" in her 'job skills' section, thus making her only employable to middle aged car dealers or Peter Stringfellow. Rersie is a vegetarian, Sally comes over all James Mason in Spring and Port Wine and says she will "eat your pork chop or else you'll sit there until Sisters of Mercy reform, you goth bitch" or something. Rersie gives her a look with her ice blue eyes that says "Just keep pushing lady, and I'll tell Dad that you got one in the naughty place from Sven Goran Eriksson". This is warming up nicely...