March 17, 2006

In Which...oh I can't remember now..what's a blog? Who are you lot looking at this? Why do I look old in the mirror?

Apologies for lateness (and the cruel title).

Hamsden is not goign away and Ashley is dealing with it by squeaking so much I can't hear him, however every time his lips are moving on the telly every dog in our street start barking and the wine glass in my hand shatters. Clurr finally gets him to agree to meet Hamsden and his new non-alcoholic wife. They decide to meet in a service station and the saddo in me starts to wonder which one it might be, my money is on either Charnock Richard or Knutsford on the M6 (don't worry I fully intend to kill myself later for this). Anyway Hamsden demands to see Joshua, another wine glass of mine gets broken at Ashley's reaction and the meeting doesn't go well. It was however comforting to note that Hamsden's new missus is as bad an actor as his last one.

Ashley then spends the rest of the week causing dogs to bark and doing that "touching cloth" watery-eyed look. Hamsden & Mrs then turn up at the house and and play with Joshua, Ashley finds out runs round and threatens him with a pitchfork in an unitentionally hilarious scene. Clurr gets it in the neck for being a retarded ginger and Fred tries to talk sense into him, I think they agree to talk to Hamsden again but I missed it as I was sweeping up glass fragments at the time.

In Casa Carp, the Carp herself receives another card from "Richard Hillman", this time offering condolences on the anniversary of his untimely and ridiculous death. PPPhil starts to think the Carp may think that it's him and blames David, she agrees and quizzes David, he explodes in fit of teenage acne scarred rage. Fuck me that woman is thick. NEXT!

EvilBradley gets a call from Spain about Mike, he goes out there and returns with Mike behaving like Norman Wisdom, turns out he has had a stroke out there and it has accelerated hid Forgetting Mind Disease. He doesn't recognise Penny and wants to know where Alma is, they decide not to tell him as it would be a really long story and he would probably forget by the end anyway, which would be annoying. They go to the Doc who says that they need to do tests, but the writing is on the wall. Lady McLeanne is having none of this and tells EvilBradley to get the power of Attorney sharpish before he's in a nappy and singing the theme tune to Muffin the Mule all day. GoodBradley tries to get out for a second in protest but a combination of cockernee malevolence and cross-eyed feminine charm sends him back under. In the end they sign the POA and McLeanne moves on to her next project: Getting Mike in a Home. Shame on you Leanne, but shame on you more EvilBradley! There is a really touching scene where Mike and Bradley go into the factory and Mike talks about Elsie Tanner and then crumples into Bradley's arms weeping as he realises he is losing his mind. I am not ashamed to admit I shed a tear, the first of the flood that will no doubt be coming from my ducts as this storyline draws to a conclusion. I'm sure I won't be the only one.

Audrey has decided to take stock of her life after seeing Mike in a state, and says in the pub that she's not ready to settle down and wants to go back to the days when she abandoned her kids and had more men through her than the gents at Victoria Station. She metntions she may sell the flat & Salon, which leads Maria and her cheek pouches to think about ways of buying them. In the midst of all this Fiz wants to go travelling, Kirk doesn't. I personally don't want to think about this plot anymore.

IN other news:
BONG! Emily goes to see St Ed, forgiveness is on the cards
BONG! That new girl is Single White Femaling Kelly, if you follow me. It's shit either way.
BONG! Rersio and Craigiet decide to be honest about their relationship to keep Sally out of the funny farm

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