February 07, 2006

In which the shit plot percentage rises to 90% and Dev has plenty of scope for RaNDOm SHoutING.

Well where to begin with the last week's Compendium of Crap? I'm assuming that all the decent Corrie writers have been granted a sabbatical after their years of sterling work and have been replaced by a set of monkeys with typewriters if the latest offerings are anything to go by. I warn you now I'm saving the good bit (the Websters) until the end. Here goes...

Dev and Sunita are spending more time together, this is due to Dev continuing to pop round and Sunita being so tired she is probably hallucinating and seeing him as some kind of swarthy angel. Anyway, her resolve weakens so much in her exhaustion that she kisses him, Dev shouts "Woo hoo!", punches the air and goes off to the pub clicking his heels together to celebrate, alone, which tells you a lot. Steve comes in and warns him not to be to complacent or something. In the meantime Shelley tries to get Sunita to stay with her as it seems that she wants to go Lezzer now after being shat on by Peter and literally weed on by Darth Builder, at least that was the impression I got. Sunita however decides that the choice between supping from the hairy cup or licking Dev's oily face for the rest of her life is no choice at all and calls her brother to take her home.

Dev is later walking round being generally happy and having a smug look on his oleaginous face when he spots Sunita getting into the Car of Finality. His Random Shouting Chip goes into into hyperdrive as he stands in front of the Car "yOU CAn't DO THiS to me SuNitaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAaA!". Sunita does what she has to do and leaves teh gelatinous git weeping like a little biddy baby on the Cobblestones Of Karmic Justic. Ha Ha Ha! Amber later pops round to see him and gets a job at the shop. No doubt this is the beginning of a new and totally mediocre storyline. Althought to be fair I like Amber as a character, shame about her dad though.

Liz has come back from the cruise and is in the middle of regaling all and sundry with tales of her holiday when Fred enters, "Yeah so anyway, I was bent over and Vernon took his cymbal stand and put it right up there whilst 3 crew members stood holding their..Oh Fred, Bev's met someone else and is never coming back..anyway where was I? Well, long story short, I was drenched in it." Fred howls with the timbre of brokenhearted. He later is telling the dreadfully boring news to Ashley who cuts himself and they have to go to the hozzer, I wonder why? Welcome to Plot Contrivance 101: As they enter the hospital, Fred spots Orchid being wheeled in, Black and Blue (for those who do not know, Orchid was a woman who pretended to be a Thai bride to con Fred out of his money about 4 years ago, he found out, she disappeared. No I don't know why she is back either..). There is much to-ing and fro-ing, but basically, she's been beaten up by a psycho called Stuart and Fred wants to care for her, as she is sorry for her previous actions and Fred is a good man simply looking for a decent looking oriental woman to indulge his sexual desires. Fred ropes Rita in to letting her stay and Rita agrees but treats Stacy (her real name) with disdain because of her past. That's ex-prostitute, stripper and showgirl Rita by the way. Things get better between them and they go to town, only to return to find Rita's flat trashed, Rita wants to call the police, Orchid doesn't, Fred simply wants to take Orchid from behind. Orchid does a runner to Fred's and tries to turn on the Orchid charm, Fred feels the sap rising but is strong and casts her into the street like a bucket of effluent in Tudor London. I have absolutely no idea why this plot is even happening, if anyone has any clue please suggest it in the comments, as I am completely in the dark.

Jason and Sarah are back together again, mainly because Jason is horny and Sarah obviously does not mind being his sex receptacle, what would Millie Tant say? Perverted Podiatrist Phil is still hanging round and angering David, so David goes to spend time at his Dad's house, only to return with news that Martin's mad missus is preggers. Anyway, on Sarah's birthday she receives a card addressed from Richard Hillman, GASP! Straight away the finger of blame turns upon David, who denies everything, PPPhil sits there being normal, Jason wonders if this means no sex for him tonight.

Maria thiks she's pregnant, she then isn't and is chuffed, whereas Tyrone is disappointed. Tyrone has been thinking and he sits Maria down and lays it on the line to her, "Look, you're decent looking in a suburban Manchester sort of way, and I'm a gurning, borderline retarded waste of screen time, so I'm finishing with you before you get the chance to do it ot me, you bitch". Maria: sad but probably relieved. Tyrone: irritating. He puts all his energy into getting his business up and running, the nation puts all its enery into trying to keep watching the cowpat of a story. Molly starts to help him more which will no doubt lead to a coupling of two gurning imbeciles for our viewing delectation.

Eileen and St Ed are still going along nicely. Eileen is absolutely gagging for a seeing to and in the end gets him told. St Ed says that quick sex is not the way to go and that they have a future together that must not be ruined. Translation: I was turned wrongmo in prison and I need to be well entrenched in a relationship with you before I introduce the notion that I want you to use a strap-on on me. Eileen: charmed. St Ed: lovely but wrong.

THE WEBSTERS - Saviours of Soap Opera!

Rersio and Craigiet continue to make sweet, sweet love to the chagrin of their respective parents/guardian. Kev and Sall cook up a plot to foil their oversexed teenage ways: reporting them to the police for underage doing of the sex. Genius. Sally tells the police that Craigiet forced Rersio to do the terrible deed, police respond "Are you sure she's not just a bit of a slapper Mrs Webster?". They then go round to Keith's to have a word with Craigiet, where they find out THE TRUTH: No-one forced anyone, they are both bang at it and heavy on it.

Having been foiled in the police plan, Sally moves on to plan B: send Rersio ski-ing. No I haven't just made that up. Kev is not happy about it, but Sally insists and leaves him looking like a confused slightly more simian Colin Farrell. Rersio tells Craigiet the news, he believes that she should go and return stronger in their love and that'll learn all the olds that they are the Real Deal. I predict she will come back and will have gone off him, as 15 year olds do, and Craig will be heartbroken and will have to console himself with leaving the show and having a pop career.

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Ronnie winding up tracy, Steve not happy
BONG! Tracy & Amy moved in with Darth. Darth: not happy.

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