January 25, 2006

In which I have to do 2 weeks of plot, due to missing last week's update

Sorry about last week, and a big shout out to my reader in Japan!

To business. The Wonderful Websters of Weatherfield continue to be the best, most realistic and entertaining family on the tellybox at the moment. Rersio and Craigiet have been caught on the nest again and Sally erupts like a social climbing Vesuvius intent on destroying the Pompeii of their teenage love (see what I did there?). Anyway, Rersio tells her mother that they love each other and that Craigiet had his wellies on, so there is no need to worry. Sally deems this response as "unacceptable" and gets the morning after pill and forcefeeds it to Rersio. Sally: Psycho. Rersio: abused. Nation: Aghast. Kevin makes the sensible comment to Sally that "maybe it's best if we let this burn itself out as we can't keep them apart can we?" Sally says, "What, and have her knocked up and in a 2 up 2 down marrried to a confused looking, slightly more simian Colin Farrell like me? I want more for her than that Kevin!" Sally storms out leaving Kevin alone and looking like a confused, slightly more simian Colin Farrell.

Meanwhile, Rersio & Craigiet go to the doctor to get the pill. They must face the Carp on reception who looks unimpressed and very, very ugly. When they eventually get to the doctor, their normal doctor has been replaced by a scottish man with a ginger beard, which we all know is a sign of evil, and protestant puritanism. Rersio asks for the pill, Dr Evil says "Nay, thou art too innocent of age", Craigiet says "We've done nothing wrong" which seems to be his stock response to everything these days. In the end Dr Evil relents and says "I shall give you that which you seek as I would rather though inbibe said medication, fear less thou may cometh unto me seeking womb-based child murder. However, knoweth that thou wilst suffer hell's pains perpertually for thy fecund activities". Rersio & Craigiet are now free to make rampant love to their hearts content, or at least until Sally finds the pills.

I for one wish that I had Mike's Amazing Forgetting Mind disease as I desperately want to forget this whole storyline, but here goes.. EvilBradley wants Mike to sign the business over to him before he starts pissing himself and thinking it's 1962, Mike doesn't want to. However he then ends up on the roof of the factory in a confused state, and agrees to whatever EvilBradley wants. GoodBradley is feeling guilty about the whole thing but Lady McLeanne is chuffed. Mike then goes to Spain, and let's EvilB and Lady McLeanne stay in his flat. McLeanne loves it when a plan comes together. I am still betting that Wurzel somehow comes to the rescue, after he has made the beast with 2 backs with Frankie, speaking of which...

Wurzel and Frankie have finally discovered that Sue Ellen is telling them both the same thing about them being after each other, so basically the truth then? Anyway, Wurzel has had enough and throws her out bag and baggage into the street like a drunken Jack Russell. Frankie says, "Christ you are sexy when you are angry". They are however still in denial, so Wurzel organises a date with lisping Violet. Whist on said date they encounter all from Casa Carp including Jason who corners Wurzel in the toilet and tells him not to go near Violet's foof or obbly-bobbly bits under any circumstances, Wurzel sends him packing, but not before Sarah overhears the row and starts one of her own with Jason around the "Why do you care about what she is doing?" theme.

Next day Jason comes to see Violet and tries to woo her by inviting her back to his place for some sex, the cad. Violet is disctinctly dis-chuffed and sends him packing, however later Jason proposes to her (eh?)and she is conflicted but ultimately says no. Jason returns to Sarah only to get a gobload for not responding to messages, he loses his rag and says "look you're just a slapper who I was using as my fuck-toy, I love Violet". Gail chucks him out and Sarah cuffs David, for reasons unknown, probably because he is very, very ugly.

In other Carp related developments. Phil has a normal conversation with David about being a lad surrounded by women, David begins to soften until Phil says "look I know things haven't been easy with your mum and everything.." David angers and says "No I don't fancy her, and in no way have a Oedipal desire to have sex with her which you are preventing me from doing!" and deliberately smashes Phil's fingers in the car boot. Arf arf!

St Ed, is still being nice to Emily and putting the moves on Eileen, Norris is not happy and is suspicious and very camp. St Ed confesses to Emily that he has been in chokey and that is where he found God, learned to paint, fix toaster and how to take 8 inches in his rear passage. Emily says "the past is the past St Ed, and it the present that we must look to. Unless of course you killed my husband, then I will crush you, crush you without mercy". St Ed has a date with Eileen, he confessed to all about the chokey time, Norris is smug, nobody else is bothered. Eileen invites him in for Rampant Christian Sex coffee. St Ed denies, and probably goes home for a good bout of self-flagellation.

Sunita is still denying Dev his paternal rights, and he is no doublt looking longingly at a Batman suit or a plot to kidnap a high profile child to highlight his plight. Steve however has a better idea and tells him to go and register the births himself. Sunita then tries to register the births and is told that it has already been done. She summons Dev, who says "BUT yoU WOUld nOt let me GET INvolVEd in ANY OTHER waY". Later in the week they spend more time together, Dev is hopeful, and Sunita lets him hold the twins, he weeps the salt tears of the stupid, "BoO HOO hoo, boO HoO hOo".

In Other News (abbreviated):
BONG! Tyrone, Maria,. In press competition, Ty bought a van. Maria not happy. Nation not bothered
BONG! Jack, Vera. The art thing is still going on. I neither know nor care what it is about
BONG! I think the dog thing is still ongoing in the Barlow house, but my brain refuses to process it any longer.

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