June 22, 2005

Last night I saw my momma barred from the pub, ooowee Charlie, Charlie, cheat, cheat...

Can some-one please explain to me the point of Clurr's character anymore? At one point she was a young woman of independent means who fell in love with Ashley and saved him from post Maxime misery. She now appears to have a mental age of about 7, an obsession with all forms of transport and a pair a spaz glasses. Are the scriptwriters about to lead up to a Mencap inspired story? If not then they are seriously overdoing the sub-Alan Bennett comedy leanings....

Anway, more fun at the house of Crypto Rape and Coercion. Charlie has now officially gone over to the Dark Side and will now be known as Darth Builder, and is taking evil to a level not seen since Richard "Unconvincing Stare" Hillman. Bev is being abused on the street by him, such lines as "you are old and I hate you", "you are old and I only shagged you because you were desperate", "you are old and shelley hates you" and "you are old". Unfazed by this very cutting and clever series of insults, Bev goes to the pub with Liz to face him down. Darth tries to bar her, she says "you can't bar me Darth, you have no power, I laugh in your face, spit on your shoes and walk through your rockery!". Darth: not happy. Bev: Smug. Liz: Mutton.

Darth knows how to solve this and heads to the Bedroom of Inadequacy. He tells Shelley to get her arse downstairs as her mother is making him look a fool! Shelley says, "But I can't, I've not ironed by bat top and my bingo wings need exfoliating", He says "Listen you fat bitch, get downstairs or I'm leaving and I'm taking the telly remote with me, you sad case". This spurs her into action. To be fair they both act the pants off this scene, particularly Shelley.

Shell bars her mum, and Darth wants to go out to celebrate. Shell doesn't, as in her own mind she is fat and mad, and Heartbeat is on the telly. Darth uses the Jedi mind trick to get her out of the house wearing a quite frankly vile shiny spider web style poncho. At the meal Shelley is twitchy and is the end storms off when Charlie leaves her on her own. His work is complete, he has her mad, agoraphobic, thinking she's fat, inadequate and worst of all wearing shocking ponchos. By the way this story really has run it's course so it is probably time to wind it up now...

Dev's ranDOM SHOUting has beCOME worse since SuNITA has fallen pregNANT. Christ knows what he'll be like observing the birth. "C'MOn nurSES, CAn't you SEE SHE is in teRIBble pain!". He is trying to make Sunita take it easy because she may harm the precious baby, even though it is only about 4 hours into it's foetal growth, Sunita is like "leave me alone and let me work", he is like "bUT the BAby may BE harMED!!". Boring, NEXT!

New drivers ahoy at the Street Cars, one of which is Lister from Red Dwarf, him and Dev wind each other up a bit, we all wish they would all be run over by a tram.

Blanche needs a new hip an has decided to go to Poland for it, cue some minor comedy shenanegins on the internet and finding Pole Dancers instead of Poles. NEXT!

Steve is playing the long game with Tracy, ie he longs to be away from her and her frankly terrifying gnashers and gums, but he also longs to be on Amee's birth certificate so that when he does a Shergar with Tracy he will have rights. And of course if these rights are not met he can get dressed up as Batman and climb up the Rovers. They go to see Roy to get him to write a letter saying "Didn't shag her, not mine. Love Roy" so that the names can be swapped. He refuses due to being a bit doolally at the moment (the reason for which has passed me by, due to a very good reason: a crushing lack of interest in the funeral storyline). Roy: unbalanced. Steve: "Why the fuck is this happening to me?" Face No 243. Tracy: 4:30 at Newmarket

Sarah, Scooter and Gail have been brought out of the plot cupboard after a long hiatus, not sure why, but it hasn't started too well with some plot involving a rusty nail.

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