Indecent Proposal

Gail is shocked and horrified at the request Phil made re the interview, and is walking around the street being guarded by David in case the Scottish fiend shows his face again, Sarah is also unhappy. By the way, it has been about 98 days since anyone last saw Bethany on screen. Phil comes round to apologise and consesses to Gail that he wasn't just after an interview, he also facied a bit of the other as well. Gail gloops her mouth ecstatically and considers her latest proposition whilst eating Boilie and trying to avoid detection by tectonic sonar lake scanners.

She decides to go for it as she would like to help other people in her situation and it might help the kids, plus she hasn't had anything near her naughty place since Richard Hillman, and sex with him probably involved something along the lines of that sword strap-on thing from Se7en.

She brings the kids into the living room, Sarah says something about "I used to lie crying in the night til night goes into morning just another day, happy people pass my way". David however is not in the mood to half quote Manilow lyrics and simply states "I blame you, you and only you, you, you're the one I'm blaming, you. Got That?!" Gails eyes widen and her mouth gloops frantically. She then decides she must speak to Phil and so must the kids, to "help them". Good plan, going to a doctor or family counselling is obviously a stupid idea when you have a foot maitherer doing a part time Criminology degree to sort out your issues.

Shelley's journey down her road to Sanity Damascus continues with relations with her mother getting better, and her venturing into the bar a couple of times. Darth is very unhappy about it and is now constantly surrounded by so dark an aura he looks like a Ready Brek advert in negative. Bev's stuck on smile is removed when she goes to see Charlie and offers him some filthy lucre to leave, he says "no ta". He is pulling out all the the Jedi headfuck stops to prevent Wrinkly Bosom Bev from coming to the wedding, eventually suggesting that the wedding be postponed, then informing Shell of the attempted bribe, then saying that she can come anyway. So powerful is this headmangle that I put on my dressing gown and go and sit in my bedroom for three days. He really is that good...

Frankie and Bradley Walsh return from Spayn, blissfully unaware that Liz Taylorette has been running round the street and factory and their home in a drunken stupor, shouting about how Bradley is a bastard, Frankie as slayg and that Michael Jackson is a beautiful human being. Jamie thinks he has done a good job of covering it up until FatRipley lets it slip in the pub, "Ey you're ex is a rum one isn't she, she told me all about your past Bradley, all the juicy stuff: Appaling comedian, Wheel of Fortune all of it." Bradley: Not happy.

Leanne is pining for some Bradley love after having to shag Wurzel Gummidge for a whole week. However , the week in Catholic Spayn has obviously made him come over all monogamous and he says, "You must top your whoring ways my child, as I have done,". Leanne says "Am I bovvered? Look at my face?". Leanne: Crestfallen. Bradley: trying his best.

Tracy and Steve finally have their day in court. It's not pretty, to give you the abridged testimonies,

Tracy: pretended local weirdo was dad, sold baby, took baby back, drove Karen mental, took money off Steve then denied he was father

Steve: Found out was dad, chose to ignore it, then paid some money, then ignored it again, then pretended to love tracy, broke her heart into a thousand pieces.

The Judge is damning in his criticism of the two of them and of how long they have managed to drag out this storyline for, and in the end rules Steve can have access. The Nation cries salt tears of joy and this conclusion, simply because it is the conclusion and no other reason.

Lister has decided that the way to sort out Streetcars is to let the drivers pick their own call sign. Steve very sensibly asks what the commercial benefit is of this, the nation asks what is the point of this ridiculous character and storyline. I can't remember what they picked to be honest so I'll just make them up. Les was "Shit Actor", Clurr was "Appaling Character" and Lister was "Scouse Twat" or something. Steve refrained and engaged is a montage of Why the Fuck is this Happening to Me? faces instead.

Liz McCleavage has got herself a new bloke, who appears to be the genetic hybrid spawn of Jocky Wilson and Big Cliff Lazarenko.

In Other News (abbreviated):

BONG! Kirk, Fiz, New girl at kennels, triangle.
BONG! Les, Cilla, getting married, much hilarity and Status Quo apparently
BONG! Audrey, Keith, dates etc NEXT!
BONG! Keith, Craig, pig in back yard (oh my sides!)

Doctor Doctor, Can't you see I'm poncho wearing

Clurr haas become all community spirited and decided to clean up the Red Rec garden so that the local children can drink alcopops, spew up, give each other love-bites and get each other pregnant in prettier surroundings. She gets herself some willing volunteers, well Ashley and crippled Emily anyway, and gets to work. Janice (who now looks like a fat Ripley in Alien 3) and the oh-so-hilarious "identical"twins turn up to get a look at the hunky gardener, who unfortunately for them prefers gardening of the uphill type. Clurr berates FatRipley for not being community spirited enough, FatRipley mocks her for being a boring ginge who is only after an MBE or something, a Mud Fight of Ferocious Pointlessness ensues until in the end Emily pipes up. "What are you doing?" She demands to know "Stop! This is meant to be a decent soap opera with relevant and also amusing storylines, not some bastardised cross between Laurel & Hardy and Tizwaz!!". They all look suitably ashamed, as they should.

Dr Finchy is continuing the highly improbable treatment plan for Shelley, this time he has devised a plan of taking Darth's sandwiches to him at work across the road. Shelley gets through it, even managing to be strong in the face of the Wrinkled Bosom of Bev on the street. She arrives in the garage all pleased with herself and praises Dr Finchy for helping her, this angers Darth and the dark cloud moves over him once more and he says "Well, pity it's brown bread you stupid, fat rabbit, ridiculous poncho wearing bitch". Shelley: crushed. Dr Finchy: Starting to figure it out. Darth: time nearly up.

Shelley reselves to go to the shop, face Sunita, and for the love of God BUY THE RIGHT BREAD! Dr Finchy doesn't think it's a good idea, Darth used the mind trick to convince her to go, he then goes into the back room to watch videos of baby seals being clubbed to death with other baby seals. Little does he know that he has probably sealed his own doom by sending her out to her best friend and thus given her the chance to sort herself out, how very dialectical eh? Anyway, Shelley finds out that Sunita is pregnant and they embrace. Shelley and Sunita: Happy. Storyline: Very nearly over. The nation: Hooray!

There is trouble at Webster Manor, due to Sally's previous perfomances and her lack of planning Serphie has ended up not getting into Weatherfield High. Sally pleads with the Head to let her in, he takes great delight in giving her a speech: Prvate education BAD! State education GOOD! being the crux of it. There is some brilliant stuff whilst she tries to school Serphie at home, Rersie being totally unhelpful and Kevin just demanding his tea and pulling that irate/confused face all the time.

GailZilla vs Eileenatron. Phil has found out that Eileen lied about him staying over and is not happy, he agrees to go out with the Carpular faced one for dinner. Gail is all smugness when she marches into the cab office to get a taxi to "the pizza place in the arcade". Phil scolds Eileen for lying, Steve joins in as well, which was very funny. At the meal Phil mentions that he has a big question to ask Gail, her eyes bulge and she gloops for air at the excitememnt of it all, he says he'll need a few drinks first though. Gail: shag-hopeful. Phil: nervous.

The qustion finally comes, turns out he is doing a dissertaion on victims of crime and wants to talk to Gail about her relationship with Evil Richard Hillman. Gail says nothing and stares at him with those dead fish eyes, stands up and walks away with all the dignity she can muster (not much). Phil shouts "what you didnt' think I actually fancied you did you?". Well he didn't but that is what he was thinking I'm sure.

There have been some amazing Blanche-isms this week, none better than my personal favourite with regard to Norris, "Is he here? Or is he with the rest of his kind in Knotty Ash?". Classic, hard to imagine Eastenders coming up with such a cryptic insult...

In other news abbreviated:

BONG! Nathan, two timing Tracey, sleeping at websters.
BONG! Kennels, new manager, used to be Olly in Emmerdale.
BONG! Sean, gardener, beast with two backs (homo version).
BONG! Jamie, mum turned up. Yawn.

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron

It looks like the the writers have been given their brains back as the summer draws to a close as things have picked up a bit in the last week, and heavens be praised, it looks like the Darth Builder/Shelley storyline is entering endgame.

So to Darth Towers first we go. Fed up with Shelley's aversion to the beast with two backs, Darth gets himself a woman and takes her in the backroom to canoodle, Shelley figures out what is going on due to the noises coming from the room: "ooh" "aaah" and Darth saying "Can I wee on you please?". Shelley rumbles him, but due to the seemingly endless months of Jedi Darkside head-fuck that she has been submitted to cannot bring herself to have a proper word with Darth. Shelley: Sad. Darth: Put your clothes on love, you're taxi's here.

Next day Darth has once again convinced Shelley it is her fault that he had to find another woman to go wee-wee on and she he's offski. Shelley watches him go, tries to follow him, gets frightened again etc etc. Darth comes back eventually on the proviso that she goes to see the doctor, and no doubt accepts the wee wee as well. The doctor basically says, "Well love there's nothing I can do because you are basically a total basket case, and no amount of Amoxicillin can sort that out. So I recommend you get your head felt".

Darth books a session with a shrink, who turns out to be Finchy from the Office. Dr Finchy insists that he be left alone with his patient, no doubt so he can get her to bend over so he can say "While yer down there love". Darth is not happy about this arrangement, as his Dark powers cannot work through walls, but he must agree as Dr Finchy can throw a shoe over a pub.
The counselling goes well, and Violet later lets slip that Dr Finchy is coming back to help shelly go outside. On hearing this a dark cloud forms over Darth's head and her retreats into his private room to watch videos of road accidents and torture. Darth: Not Happy. Shelley: On the road back. This storyline: Nearly over. The Nation: cries salt tears of joy

Gailzilla vs Eileenatron II: The Battle of the Reflexologist, has commenced. This looks like this is going to be brilliant and I'm sure we all agree that the wonderful Eileen must beat Carpface in this one. Phil, the said reflexologist, has started in the Health Centre and he is played by that tall Scottish bloke that always prompts people to say "oooooo, what's he been in 'im?".

Anyway, Gail spots him first and fancies a bit of his sauce, Eileen than spots him in the street and fancies a bit of his sauce. This is the Corrie equivalent of the shooting of Franz Ferdinand in laying the foundations for an all consuming, devastating war! Gail tells Eileen that there are no appointments to see Phil, but then Eileen organises a home visit with him, timed immediatly after his home visit to Gail. Gail offers Phil dinner after her treatment, he says "Sorry love I don't eat worms, plankton or groundbait, and anyway I have to go". She then watches him cross the road to Eileen's, who shoots a fabulous "have that you bitch" look across the street. Gail: Angry. The Nation: Go Eileen! Go Eileen! Phil says "you have spaectacular feet", Eileen "thanks, you should see my fanny".

Next Day confusion is caused by Phil's car being outside in the morning (waiting for an early MOT) at Webster's Grease Monkeys Inc. Sean and Eileen wind up poor feeble minded Jason into thinking that Phil stayed the night. Word gets to Gail, who is all"Whatever, never liked him anyway he's well sad, am I bovvered?". This pretence soon falls when she sees them together in the pub and all hell breaks loose following a trading of insults. Eillen tells Gail that her husband wanted to kill her to get away from her and Gail reminds Eileen that her kids haven't seen their dads. It was a draw that one I think, but thankfully there is much, mcuh more to come.

Jack and Vera are separated, they pridictably but rather sweetly get back together at Southport on their anniversary.

Candice has found out that Adam is going to be rich and so no longer sees him as a lad with a shit haircut, she sees him as a giant pound sign with a shit haircut. Classy work girl.

In other news (abbreviated):

BONG! Keith, Audrey, date. NEXT!
BONG! Emily, niece, gone home. Is there a point to this by the way?
BONG! Sean, Tim, love-rat/not love-rat?
BONG! Rita, dead, mistake, Norris unhappy.

That's all folks